Chapter 1
“Why?” Princess Celestia asked. Queen Chrysalis stood in her room with a ragged look on her face. The room was small, had no guards in it and was locked. Celestia had been enjoying her time when Queen Chrysalis appeared in her room. Princess Celestia had jumped in fright at the sight of the Changeling Queen but now held her glowing horn at the Queen’s neck.
“Why?” Princess Celestia repeated, not taking her eyes off Queen Chrysalis. “You know that coming here you will be sent to trial, then to jail where you will rot like you deserve!”
“I’m dying. My species, my race, we’re dying.” Chrysalis coughed. “We’re on the brink of extinction. We needed food and we were desperate. I’m sorry.”
“Extinction?” Celestia asked and blinked in confusion.
“You don’t seem to realize that there are other species other than your ponies, Celestia. Changelings are an ancient race. We were peaceful beings that fed off of love, until you and your sister gained the throne. Then ponies began to hate us and see us as less than ponies. We were driven out of Equestria. We began to starve. We tried to survive, but slowly we began to die.” Chrysalis explained. “I’m sorry for invading, Equestria.”
“Why didn’t you try to work something out with me, Chrysalis? I would have helped you,” Celestia said and lifted her horn off the dying Queen’s neck.
“Changelings are a proud race. We weren’t sure if we would be fully accepted by the Princess of the race that has been killing us for a long time and begging for help would not have helped us look any better in the eyes of our enemy,” Queen Chrysalis coughed. “I am still so sorry.”
“Is there anything I can do for you? Is there any hope left for your race?” Celestia asked desperately.
“It’s too late,” Chrysalis said as she kneeled to sit on the floor to cough a cough that shook her body. “I came here with one last request. Will you fulfill it for me?”
“Of course.” Celestia nodded.
“Well, it is and I have a request. As a changeling, it is in my nature and pride to die alone. But I have a request. That is why I have come to you. I may not trust you, but I have no other choice.”
“What is it?” Celestia asked Chrysalis who stared at the floor.
“I have… a daughter.” Chrysalis admitted. “I have given her the last of my meal. She is alive and healthy. She is old enough to know how to feed and I told her I am sending her to you. I have told her that you are my sister. Will you take care of her?”
“I didn’t know that you had a daughter.” Celestia said softly.
“I had many children, before they died.” Chrysalis said angrily with another cough. “Our lack of food has not made it easy for them. However, my youngest has survived.”
“What’s her name?”
“Heart Felt.” Chrysalis said and started to cough again and this time when she stopped, it left her shaking. “Heart Felt, dear?”
Heart Felt appeared in a green zap of teleportation. She was a filly, but she sported a long pink mane that was long curly. She had light pink eyes and a hard shell that covered the back of her like all changelings, except it was pink. Her light pink wings buzzed as she quickly zipped behind her mother. She peeked out at Celestia with her huge pink eyes.
“This is your Aunt Celestia, Hearty. Say hi.” Chrysalis said in a sweet motherly tone that surprised Celestia. Heart peeked out from behind Chrysalis and smiled.
“Hi.” She said cheerfully.
“That’s right. You’re going to be staying with her for a while.” Chrysalis said.
“For how long?” She asked in an adorable voice. She stared at Chrysalis with huge adorable eyes that made Celestia want to hug the changeling filly. She restrained herself.
“Until I come back.” She said and began to cough again and collapsed. Heart’s ears drooped.
“You’re never coming back, are you?” She asked. “You’ve been coughing for days now ever since Tubby got sick. Everychangeling has been getting sick except me. Am I going to get sick too?”
“General Tubby was a good changeling. He got sick for another reason. I’ll be better in no time.” Chrysalis lied and coughed again. “I want you to stay with Aunt Celestia and be good. I’ll come back for you. You can’t get sick. I protected you with a spell.”
“Ok.” Heart said and nuzzled Chrysalis’s side. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” Chrysalis said. “Now, I’ve put all your things over there.”
Heart and Celestia turned to see farthest corner filled with two suitcases and a teddy bear. Heart ran over to it in glee as Chrysalis looked up at Celestia.
“Be good to her. Please,” Chrysalis pleaded. “Teach her to live a normal life as the last changeling. I want her to be happy. She can’t get what I get. I’ve made sure of that. But I want her to be loved. One day, you must tell her that I’m never coming back. I’ll let you decide when that day is.”
“I’ll do my best.” Celestia said as she watched Heart Felt talk to her teddy.
“I never particularly trusted you, Celestia. But I want her to be happy.” Chrysalis said and bowed her head. “So I may die in peace.”
“I will take care of her. I promise.”
“Now, I am able to go to a place where I may die while my ancestors watch over me.” Chrysalis said. “Now I will die in peace.” Chrysalis stood up slowly and looked over at Heart Felt.
“Goodbye Heat Felt.”
“Bye Mommy.” Heart said as she turned around. “See you when you get back.”
“See you.” Chrysalis said and disappeared in a flash of green light. Celestia stared at the spot where Chrysalis was. She looked back to Heart who was grinning up at Celestia.
Why would Chrysalis entrust Heart Felt to her? It would only make sense that she was the only pony Chrysalis knew if changelings were not exactly social creatures, but why her? Why not a random pony off the street? Perhaps Heart Felt was a bit different from regular changelings. But how? Was she a trap? Her instincts told her no and that Chrysalis really had died. Still, something was off about Heart Felt. She was different somehow. No. She had to clear her thoughts. Nothing was wrong here. Nothing at all...
“Heart Felt? What kind of room do you like?” Celestia asked as she floated the young changeling’s things into the air. She took in a long breath and looked down at the adorable changeling who seem quite interested in everything.
“A room with a view.” Heart said shyly. She hopped over to Celestia who opened her bedroom door. “And a lot of ceiling space.”
“I know the perfect place.” Celestia said. “Follow me.”
Heart Felt followed Celestia outside the room as the Princess reluctantly shut the door behind her.
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You seem to switch between the names "Heart Felt" and "Heat Felt" an awful lot, which looks quite dodgy. Nice little story otherwise.
Princess Celestia is extremely OOC here. You've made her so shortsighted and thick that she doesn't even seem to understand that possibility of extinction is realistic, or realize the potential consequences of having expelled the changelings.
For a ruler as wise and experienced as Celestia to both miss the implications of events and react in such horror and guilt when she's blindsided by the results just doesn't work, and for me that breaks the story.
I also don't think it's in the realm of plausibility that Chrysalis would try to pass off the lie to her daughter about being related to Celestia, or for Celestia to assent to this plan. They have to know that this won't work in the long term and that when it blows up in everyone's faces, it's only going to make things a terrible, painful mess.
5717938 Oh it will be a terrible painful mess and I plan to make a sequel with some changeling backstory and history and chaos. Who doesn't love a good bit of chaos?
5717944 Am I to assume that the sequel will tell the story of Heart Felt? I would be interested in reading it.
5718269 For the most part.
SEQUEL NOW
This is a wonderful little story! I need a sequel!!!!!
Keep up the good work!
You got the sad tag right!!!
I would recommend entirely removing "Princess Celestia asked." as the verb, "asked", carries no real impact or purpose & using the Princess' name serves only to show her presence; within that introductory paragraph you mention her name more than once & easily establish the characters in the scene. Furthermore, without that "Princess Celestia asked." the reader likely concludes the following: having read the description(s), logically one deduces that either the Princess or the Queen currently speaks & by simply having "Why?" (sans speaker) an incentive to continue reading builds as the curt brevity of the question begs the question of who speaks thusly & why in such a manner; does the Princess issue that brusque utterance &, if so, what spurs this?
Also, that first question might produce more impact if it were separated into its own paragraph; the slight pause between paragraphs would increase the reader's anticipation of the character speaking & to whom he/she is speaking.
"Queen Chrysalis stood" could be improved with more descriptive language, though it does function satisfactorily; as this is the introductory paragraph, a stronger verb or more vivid imagery would better serve to hook readers.
Compounding the complication of that somewhat pedestrian verb "stood", its succeeding phrase could also benefit marginally from a more active narrative voice. The remainder of the sentence sounds clunky & overdrawn in that three descriptive phrases are seemingly stapled onto that simple sentence "Queen Chrysalis stood": these three phrases, "in her room", "with a ragged look", & "on her face", read more as a list than an image. To improve this more reader involvement is required.
For example, "Queen Chrysalis stood, looking ragged," possesses an active voice as the verb of "looking" engages the reader with ongoing action; the Queen doesn't passively stand with a look as, rather, she stands there looking ragged-- she herself is actively looking ragged. In addition, the total word count of the sentence reduces with this alteration, allowing it to flow more fluidly.
That phrase "in her room" appears entirely unnecessary as the following sentence establishes the physical setting; so, cut it. Regarding the final phrase ("on her face"), again a mere extraction is suggested: why limit that "ragged" look to the Queen's face alone? To remove this phrase is to allow readers more freedom in envisioning the Queen-- that freedom allows for the implicit image of disheveled hair, scuff marks, bruises, scrapes, etc. to surface.
As with the sentence previous, this one lacks any level of reader interaction: the weak verbs "was" & "had" could be entirely removed & the sentence would maintain the same effect, ultimately.
The room small, no guards in it and locked.
Whilst grammatically incorrect, the point still stands: engage readers with attention-grabbing verbs. Also, the adjective "small" holds minimal meaning-- it's used so frequently & contextually that here, in attempting to set a scene, it holds no significance. Simply searching "define small" on Google lists several synonyms that could be employed for greater efficacy. An example of this, "compact" produces a specific image of a tight space, dense with objects & furniture; alternatively, if you desired a more characterizing setting, that term "utilitarian" offers the image of a small, highly organized space that reflects a minimalist lifestyle in its inhabitant. There exist numerous options for whatever you goal might be (implicitly describing a character, more accurately describing the physical setting, etc.).
It is recommended that phrase "had no guards in it" be removed also as it serves no purpose, save the detriment of the sentence itself: common canon & show canon dictates guards do not stand in the Princesses' chambers as they guard their entrances &, thus, there is no need to affirm their absence. It seems redundant to readers & actually disrupts the story's flow in making the reader pause & consider "Why is the author stating the obvious?" In addition to this disruption, "in it" merely serves to slow the sentence down with unnecessary syllables. Even in the original sentence this holds true as "The room was small, had no guards and was locked." reads more fluidly than "The room was small, had no guards in it and was locked."
You're missing an Oxford Comma, also. Excluding an Oxford Comma is an undeniable grammatical error; if you wish me to go into the proof of such an assertion, then by all means I shall, but know the Oxford Comma is essential to correct grammar.
Again, "was" proves a weak verb & thus requires replacing. There also doesn't seem to be any justification for why the room is locked & hence that fact seems irrelevant; so, cut it. If it serves a future purpose, it may be incorporated in other ways, without the use of the weak word "was".
Also, as short as this sentence is, it may prove more fluid when combined with the previous sentence as shown below.
Original:
“Why?” Princess Celestia asked. Queen Chrysalis stood in her room with a ragged look on her face. The room was small, had no guards in it and was locked.
Proposed:
"Why?"
Queen Chrysalis stood, looking ragged, in Celestia's locked room.
As aforementioned, the narration here lacks vitality; this distances the reader from the story & prevents immersion. The passive verb phrase of "had _", when coupled with that weak verb "to be" (or in this case "been"), slows the flow of the story & bores the reader.
The structure, diction, & tone of this sentence are overall rather humdrum; it "tells" more than "shows", as some might say. First, it tells the reader what was happening: "Celestia had been enjoying her time". Then, it tells the reader what caused that to change in stating "when Queen Chrysalis appeared". "in her room" can be cut altogether as within this same paragraph the setting has already been stated.
To allow for a more fluidity & immersion, I propose the following: combine both this sentence & its following with special adherence to an active voice of narration to produce a more engaging atmosphere & narrator.
The duet of "her time" seemed too long & thus I shorted it to "herself" (one word). Then, I replaced "when" with "until"; "when" originally only emphasized the passive voice in further setting the event of Chrysalis' appearance in the past whereas the proposed "until" played a more present role: Celestia had enjoyed herself until THIS DID THAT-- it takes the passive beginning of the sentence & flips it on its head; the sentence builds up to an active verb like a fist flying throw the air before hitting something. The dependent clause "startling the Princess" also remains active as the verb "startle" is presented in its present form "startling", thus making the action seem like its happening now rather than in the past.
The hard consonants of "Q" in "Quick" & "c" in "recover" come in rapid succession as their words are short & no more than three syllables (two of which in re-cov-er are unstressed syllables), allowing for a brisk pace to be kept whilst reading (the flow of the previous sentence is carried into the second).
Other words were cut to keep the flow going; for example, the adjective "glowing" not only slowed the sentence flow with its dual stressed syllables, it also seemed unnecessary as horns only glow when magic is being used or built up into a spell already decided upon & here Celestia is doing neither. The hard consonant sound at the end of "neck" served when in ending the flow of the sentence & paragraph cleanly, allowing the reader to begin the next paragraph without an awkward transition of rhythm.
Thusly concluding, my proposal for the introductory section is enclosed below:
What did you disagree, or agree, with?
obviously its not
perfect as context &
structure could also be
reworked but let me know
ur thoughts on
these suggestions
fgt
that only took like
20 minutes ;P
That is all. Equestria is ours.
7642761 I'm literally crying tears of joy. No one's ever given me any proper feedback in my entire life. All I get is praise, praise, praise that my story was great or something like that but nobody ever gives me actually feedback. Thank you so, so much.
7643118
wow fuck u
spoiled cunt i
aint ur shoulder
to lean on
fgt
That is all. Equestria is ours.