Arthur Renai Craftswell is nopony special. And he's okay with that. Artie isn't terribly interested in his job at Quills and Sofas, but it helps pay the bills. So he's okay with that. Artie has never had much interest in selling his art, but he doesn't do it for the money anyway. So he's okay with that.
Artie's closest friend in the world, one Pinkamena Diane Pie, is struggling to find the time of day to spend with him. And Pinkie isn't okay with that. But Artie is. And he's more than willing to explain to her why.
Chapters (1)
Give THE GODDAMN BATMAN time to read this, then I shall point out your errors
Interesting description i will read this and try to see what wrong
Well, I've looked it through, and there might be a few reasons why it's recieved the negative response it got.
First, there's Artie's introduction. Most of that is just handed to me, and I don't really know what to do with that. He's an artist, and that's great for him, but really, if you took that out, I don't think it would have made much of a difference.
What a lot of people will take offense to is the relationship with Pinkie. It's not really worked in, and if you wanted to make the idea of a childhood friend work, you need a lot more time and words than just a paragraph. Again, I'm just handed the fact that he's friends with Pinkie, if that makes sense.
Then the story takes a weird turn where he tells a story. Asides from being a bit difficult to read in terms of content, it's again a case of me being given information as opposed to having to discover it for myself. I think people call that showing and telling, but not being very literary, I kind of never got how that worked.
I think this would be a lot more palatable for people if you took the time to introduce Pinkie and Artie's relationship a lot more, instead of diving headfirst into this story he's telling. In fact, the medium of a story probably isn't the best way to give all that information either, but what the heck do I know. All I do know is that I don't have much reason to care about Artie because I don't know him, have not been given the time to discover him, and don't have any real, visible example of his relationship with Pinkie outside of what he tells me, so I find myself unable to care about that either.
I don't think it's deserving of nothing but dislikes, but I can certainly see why it's not getting an overwhelmingly positive response, either. I have no strong feelings for or against it, aside from a bit of respect for how you tried to tell the story, which I don't think I've seen done all that often, so points for taking risks.
I hope that helped, because I'm not all that great at explaining this stuff. Maybe someone else can do better.
EDIT: also what Weatherstorm said on the promotion thread. There's a fair bit of distrust towards OCs, but if there's something else afoot, this might be part of it. Or I could be talking out of my arse again, that happens at least twice a week.
Okay, I think I get the biggest issue, author is nothing more than a whinner, whin, whin, whin. I mean, the 'not for fame and fortune idea' sounds nice, but it just dosnt work.
You want to make this story work, here's a start, and I stress, start:
Make his parents more intrested in him running the family bussiness than peruse his talent, take out the 'no fame part' entierly, and the part whee pinkie is to busy for twilight, start it where aurthor is meeting up with pinkie after a long time, have him on ther ok farm because he ran away from home, don't make him so pestamistitc, and ur on your way to a good story.
There weren't any grammar issues that leapt out at me. It was a little bit boring, but not terribly so. It was weird that he called Pinkie "Diane" instead of Pinkie. It is definitely Slice of Life. I don't see anything here that warrants that many downvotes.
What a fairly sweet little story.
I liked it but as far as any problems with it I'd say maybe,
1 You've got a little wall of text problems and that turns some readers off, better paragraph spacing and more paragraphs would probably be better
2 Being told as a story rather than being shown as a story threw the pacing off a little bit. This dynamic might be better served in a non-one shot so we can get a better idea of this character, rather than him just telling us.
3 Some people might rag on the 'show don't tell' particularly in the beginning but I thought it was nice, reminding me of Tolkien in the Hobbit, actually.
4 There really isn't much happening in the story. No real arc to it. No one's disposition changes and nothing really new is taken from the experience. It's a nice story but it seems like a smaller part to a potentially bigger story
It's nice (I can't imagine how it got so many downvotes, but then again I either upvote it if I like it or just don't so there's that). It's a cute little story and that's really all it is. You did a lot of things right, particularly handling the tell don't show aspect and the characterization of Pinkie Pie but if you wanted to do more, I'd say this concept could do very well in a larger idea.
I liked it, I favorited it. It's nice, that's all.
You need to break up the paragraphs into small bits. While you're at it fix the formatting, you missed some paragraph breaks.
Your biggest problem is this is pure Slice of Live, and that doesn't appeal to many because it lacks conflict. It's a nice little, well told story, but it's not exciting. A lot of readers would find it boring. You'll just have to be patient, and let an appreciative audience find it in time.
Well i liked the story to be honest but i found some erros that you might correct like you use alot of times the point ''.'' alright, so that give the paragraphp idea an abrupt end. Then you said this was for a contest right? So you couldn't imagine that others participants who also are in the contest would unvote you? Is just an possibility.
With the story itself, well i found some erors which i think you should fix
[quote]I want every moment we do have to be filled with more laughs than the last." I thought of this ''I want every moment we spent together to be happier than the last one''[quote]"Honestly, I don't think anypony but you would be capable of accomplishing that feat." I prefer like this "Honestly, I don't think anypony besides you; would be capable of accomplishing that feat."
Poiting all of that is what I found but maybe there are more errors which i didn't catch but I'm not perfect anyways good story and I hope that it get upvotes
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Thank you all for the little reviews. For clarification, I wasn't expecting my story to be featured or front page material, I never do. I just didn't understand the influx of dislikes. I'll try to rectify the mistakes you all pointed out.
Also, if you thought Artie was boring in any way, then that's good. I tried to write him as a sort of dry, boring guy.
Ok. I've both liked, and favourited this. Do you want to know why?
My reasoning lies solely in this: This has a beautiful undertone of friendship (basically the only value the show represents), and the relationship with Pinkie Pie isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sure, she's a canon character, but it means that you don't have to define every last character trait of two OCs for this kind of relationship. Hell, describing one OC is difficult enough, let alone two!
All this needs is a bit of editing. I really do not understand the (now-slightly-unbalanced) like bar being so full of red. I enjoyed this.
Now, to the constructive criticism. Most of what I would correct is the same as what 5702122 said earlier on. The pacing was, for all intents and purposes, absolutely fine. I saw no issue with you launching straight into a monologue-typical story, although paragraphing could have been used in a less sparse manner. The relationship explored by Arthur's story was vaguely in-depth, and was just perfect for showing the deep friendship he and Pinkie Pie share.
However, all the way through I felt that Arthur was building up to something drastically important, and (to be honest) the climax wasn't really a climax - although it did serve its purpose remarkably well. The fic came down from a monologue to a small wall-of-text narration in the pen-penultimate paragraph [The two smiled at each other...] which, while not strictly an issue, was a bit jaunting to read - although it sweetens their friendship just that little bit more with the painting of Pinkie Pie.
Overall, I enjoyed this story and would read it again if it had some edits put to it.
(N.B.: If you want, you can PM me here or send me an email at blarghdylanquincy@gmail.com and we can talk about proper editing habits (and also you can get me to edit it for you =D).)
Official/ Contest Review: "I'm Ok with it...Really I am"
Link: I'm ok with it...really I am
Description: "We don't need to smother our friends to let them know that we're there for them. We just need to be there for them. Nopony understands this more than Artie Craftswell."
Pinki Pie has another friend that isn't part of the main six... just a good old friend. This story is his story.
9/10 For Writing Style/ Skill: This is perhaps the best slice of life story involving an O.C. and a member of the Main Six that I have read. The flow, the character's behavior, the characterization of Artie Craftswell, it all works together so freaking well! This type of writing is on level with high end publishing. Perhaps I missed a few spelling/ grammar mistakes, but I didn't catch any. If I did, it was because the flow of the story, its pacing and tone are so powerful I forgot all about it! Certainly professional level work here.
5/5 For Family Friendliness: This teaches a very good lessen we all have to learn, and its a painful one, when we are younger. We cant spend all of our time with our friends. Some times we have to choose to be with one, rather then another... and that sucks. It does it is such a beautiful and peaceful way that to be honest? i felt a little bit of warm fuzzy's in my heart! Recommended for all ages, including the shows original intended audience! (this is quite rare for me to do).
Comment: Sheesh... I felt like I could be reading this in an anthology of nice fuzzy slice of life fan fics about the main six, with a warm fire, a cup of hot coco and a good blanket on a cold winters night! This story made me feel... safe... emotionally as I was reading it... I have never felt safe while reading a story. I mean there have been times i have felt good, or I have felt 'not in danger' while reading... but, I mean, I have never actually felt SAFE while reading anything before. Good job!
I'm okay with this.
5721566 really?
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Yes really. This is an official review from my blog. I find that providing structured reviews things tend to go better.
Also... i really really liked this one haha
5734214 if you say so. Though, feel free to check out mine if u can
Hello! I'll be judging your submission, so let's see what we've got here!
Very nice. Very nice indeed.
I even got a little choked up at one point. Quite the accomplishment indeed.
Very well written.
Have my 'stache of approval.