If you are reading this it means that this is one of the few websites still up, and you survived the end of the world. well the world didn't end, more like it's really empty. For any of you out there reading this, this is my story of how I'm dealing with what is happening right now, and hopefully a way for me to get in contact with other survivors. As well as keep me sane while I slowly spiral into depression from lack of pony human contact.
Please answer...
My own take on a wonderful story by Starscribe called The Last Pony on Earth. I highly recommend you read it, but it is not required.
Chapters (7)
That's all of my edits for now. I'll PM you everything else later.
It seems to be going quite well.
6052092
Thank you for the help! I didn't realize how many errors there were in the beginning alone. I've gone ahead and looked over the whole thing again and fixed what I could find.
Now all I have to do after editing is finding a way to get it past moderation.
6052229 The reason I stopped was because I had to revise for an exam. I'll continue when I'm more focused.
As for the story not being pony enough, just write the next chapter. The first sounds a bit self-inserty with too much focus on the main character's back story that is, quite frankly, irrelevant. If you jump straight in with pony action then it should make it through; you can either change this chapter or do that for the next. Otherwise it's mostly OK with a few nitpicks here and there - it's easily readable, though some sentences needed some extra punctuation to stop them being too lengthy.
6052525
Will do, thank you for the advice. I will get on fixing it latter today.
6055237 If you think it's a good idea and it will help improve the story I'm all for it
6052551 I need to ask about some things while I correct some things:
1) Does he have 1 sister or more? In my edit I'm assuming 1.
2) Where was he numb (I'm assuming his limbs for now)
6055345 Yes, he only has one sister and yeah it is his limbs that are numb, I was mostly thinking fingers and toes because, you know, they are gone.
Nice chapter. There's a few parts where I'd shuffle some words and punctuation around to help with the flow, but I don't think there was anything major. I'll try an PM you later.
6063095 I thought it fit with the theme?
Off to a good start. I liked the 'magic missile' part that shows nicely that he hasn't a clue about pony magic and isn't about to find out much more about that horn of his except for it being really sensitive anytime soon. I appreciate these slow starts.
One question though (and that one has bugged me with all the stories so far): I guess you can sort of accept or delude yourself about accepting the fact that the whole neighbourhood has disappeared; but how can you just deal with waking up and finding your family not just gone but clearly vanished into thin air? Immediate denial? Then I'll be waiting for the crash that should come when that part of the brain realises that this is it.
Your protagonist is probably so far the most likely to at least initially deal with the situation rationally since he's military and trained to function under sudden extreme stress. Good idea.
Anyway, your style is fine and your protagonist feels pretty real. Very nice description of the initial reactions. Do go on!
I don't think he has the vocal chords, though our protagonist may find himself understanding the cat more as time passes. Also, it's does, swap the e and the s. That's all I spotted.
Ah Map Overgrown, did you know you can have a really sweet sniper spot if you parkour to that roof? Hu, memories.
Thank you, your protagonist just got real! Very realistic that the breakdown first comes after little while, not straight away.
Plus the second breakdown while dictating was very well written - enough to make me feel uncomfortable. Mission accomplished.
A very nice way to have him notice the sudden weirdness of animal behaviour was the dog lending him a shoulder to cry on. Gives emotional impact for the reader even if that first breakdown is only mentioned in little detail. Well done.
All in all: this is good. You have my attention. Really looking forward to more.
Really liking this story. Definitely one of the better side stories I've read so far. Just want to quickly point out that you dated the chapter 4/25 instead of 5/25. But keep up the good work otherwise!
6066890 Fixed, thanks!
Still enjoying things, excited to see where things go and what your plans might be. Cheating unicorns have it all easy (hah, not right now they don't). Looking forward to seeing the different military directions this one ends up going. That's a neat perspective nobody else has tried to bring to the table yet. Keep it up!
You'd be surprised how many people only mythology via DnD and the like. Even someone like myself who already liked researching those stuff found entirely new myths and legends to learn about from those source books.
Also; Gah! I'm falling behind! Brain Monkeys! To your typewriters!
Walking might be slow, but he could probably maintain a canter for a long time - once he learns how to.
[caustic reader protective coating] Darn you American colonist!
Jake made his bed in the bathroom? Not the bed and home department? For shame.
I wonder how easy using military tech is... or getting into a military base (without authorization) is... Probably not probably.
Americans...[/caustic reader protective coating]
Alrighty, nutrient content is approximately the equivalent of the by now canon established standard unit of pony nutrition: 1 granola bar. 2 of those.
Where was I?
Right, story is progressing smoothly and although fast paced it doesn't seem rushed; some better proofreading would be nice but it's not really bad. Finding Jack was nicely written... but the part I think I liked best was
You bet he did...
Keep up the good work!
Greycaite bathrooms tend to have better doors than broken sliding glass ones.
Yuo put 2 number 2s in your recent list
Then it's someone asking if he's been miss sold PPI
I'll do a collab. Gonna be another two or three weeks on your end for you to catch up to where I am (in universe), but I'll be heading up towards New York about two weeks after I get back to Bastrop from my trip to the aircraft carrier that's in Message (I forget the name of the ship and town right now).
Those darn telemarketers
Got around to reading this tonight. The story itself is rather good, but I do believe you're rushing a bit on animals getting intelligent. The other major critique I have is that your grammar is lacking in quality. How often are you posting these chapters? If it's not too often, I'd be happy to edit for ya. It'd be a nice break to what I'm working on now.
--Stahl
You going to continue the story?
6374944
Yes I am, I'm sorry for the hiatus but I am currently at AIT (Military school to teach me how to do my specific job), and I don't get much free time. I am working in the next chapter, it's just going really slowly.
Thank you for your favorite and your patience!
I would love to see a team of five, Manehattan pony police officers who assists the two humans tuned into ponies to use their new pony abilities. One of the police ponies was shown in the episode, “The Gift of the Maud Pie”.
vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/e/ed/Police_Pony_and_ponies_staring_at_Pinkie_S6E3.png/revision/latest?cb=20160403212911
vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/e/e6/Pinkie_Pie_%22it_just_can%27t_be%21%22_S6E3.png/revision/latest?cb=20160403212857
...and myth became legend...
I'll have to reread your story first, but I'd be willing to look your stuff over. Depends on how much editing you want. Send me a PM?
My recommendation when it comes to writing is always finish before revision. if you want to radically change the format, do it from here on out, and leave a note in the beginning for future readers that the first few chapters will be in a different style/whatever than what you're writing with later sections. That way you can be honest with new readers but at the same time make forward progress and not trip over yourself endlessly revising things.
If you get to the end and still feel like revising the first few chapters, that would be the time I would go back and tidy them up.
But that's just how I'd do it.
Been rereading this and Id forgotten how Witty it can be.
Oh this made me laugh.
You really should emphasize her desperate plea and slow breakdown as Mitchell is reduced to incoherent completely unsympathetic grumbling, and then when her sobs finally cut out with a terrible finality, he shouts "You have to release the push-to-talk button!"