Res ipsa loquitur, sed quid in infernos dicet?
Samus Aran has been exiled from the Galactic Federation, but travels through their space to find an old friend, U-Mos. Aftwards, Sylux shoots her ship down near an uncharted, non-federation planet. Meanwhile Twilight sees these "meteors" crash on Equestria.
A Tri-cross between TF2, the Metroid Series, and MLP: FIM.
My first serious Fic. Criticism for improvement is welcome.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Alas, it seems none have been fortunate to stuble upon this yet, however I myself see great potential for this story. Needs a few corrections here and there, but otherwise its brilliant.
I will be watching.
6086028
Danke schön, I am glad to see that my work is appreciated. Hope to hear feedback in the future, preferably would you mind pointing out these corrections?
Thank you sir,
Obedire R. Birch
A note: I appreciate criticicm, but for those three thumbs down there is no explanation; you didn't provide one. I cannot improve without being told what is wrong.
Sorry to you thumbs down,
Professor Obedire R. Birch
6086125
Some but not all of the phrasing is iffy, so to speak. There are a few spelling errors here and there but nothing that major.
For example, early in the chapter, you write: says a bit wary scootaloo.
It should say: Scootaloo said warily.
Some people would see this and give you a thumbs down, simply for that.
And the dislikes, I believe i may be able to propose some reasons as to why they are there.
Firstly, there are the aforementioned spelling and grammar errors, and then there's the way likes/dislikes work, they do so anonymously. Someone may dislike it, just to be cruel, or mean, or may simply dislike the context/pacing of the story.
You dont write bad, your way of writing just doesnt appeal to them.
Looking forward to more updates
-Storm Stream
6089311
Thank you for that correction, I would appreciate help for things like this. And thank you for understanding sir.
Danke schön,
Professor Obedire R. Birch
Great ch. man
6103352
Thank you sir, I try my hardest. Phew.
Professor Obedire R. Birch.
I like it. Can't wait to read more.
6208895
Twas,
6089311 This is a good story, but, as you mentioned, the story is written in present tense instead of past tense, which I think is what is putting some people off. Other than that, it is a good story I will keep up with. I would recommend changing the story to be in past tense, as I think it would help remedy the issue of the amount of dislikes in the future. And to be honest, the story being written in past tense does bug me a bit, but I can still look past that.
http://images-cdn.9gag.com/photo/a5dnn7q_700b.jpg
i like the tf2 references at the very end, good job
If this story is supposed to take place after Metroid Fusion then how is Ridley alive. You kill him during Fusion, and he was very much dead before that. Secondly how did Samus get her old varia suit back, she supposed to have the "unnamed " orange and yellow fusion suit after the game.
Two inconsistencies; one, samus' fusion ship doesn't have a top hatch only a bottem one. Two, Sap Sacs are native to Tallon 4 not Aether.
I think the fight scenes could have a little more detail and flare, considering when samus shot her super missile between the two changelings it didn't say if the missile missed them or exploded between them, and if it did how did twilight and spike get out of it unscathed. Furthermore the one the held the filly should be written as getting knocked back after getting hit with a regular missile.
Also in regards to samus' letter to celestia it should say 4 others not 5 others .
Ahh I see they speak the universal language; English!
Hehe :3
Loved that explanation on why Samus was able to obtain that data at all...
Them chozo been EVERYWHERE!
9110229
Ridly seems to have the habit of "Hah! You thought you killed me?! But I'm back better than ever! Just look at all of my shiney new doodads ain't they nifty? Now I'm going to kill you with them" or so I like to think anyway.
Ok I found this
I read this
I liked this
I think it's pacing is much to quick, could use more descriptions of some things and less in others
My 2 bits been handed In. :)
Welp that did it,haven't you heard the saying twilight becareful what you wish for.