Every world has its Guardian. But what happens when a world's Guardian is met with a battle, he might not be able to win?
This world, is about to find out.
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- Member Since 1st Apr, 2015
- offline last seen May 24th
HopeForTheFew
I am just a simple guy, creating stories for the fun of it.
HopeForTheFew
Joined 1st Apr, 2015 ·
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IT has large amounts of potential but you need to work on your grammar and word placement, but it could be a work of art.
6326570 I'm very sure it could be as well. And I am aware of my errors, but I have the problem where, no matter how hard I try to make a story better, it always just stays the same or only gets lightly better. But, over time, as I write more and more, I should start to get better. It just takes time.
Tell me, what were some of the errors that I commited?
6326596 I will write some minor errors that I have seen in the first paragraph and show the differences and how to make paragraphs flow better
6326625 In your opinion, how would I make this story fit better? This is a story that is in my heart right now and I really want to improve it as much as possible.
Thanks in advance.
6326596 Sorry if its rather long
The sky was grey and a darkness was moving on the horizon. Everypony could feel it. And everypony knew that something terrible was moving in. What they didn't know, was that their world was being guarded, by one with the purest of souls. What they didn't know, was that their world has been guarded by this being of great power since the world began. He was given the task of defending it, and now, he must see his task through. Even though, this time, he might not be able to defend this world.
I Think we should replace and, and us with as well we need to add a comma before with, and remove was and add the word, in, in after moving.
The sky was grey, with a darkness moving in on the horizon. (See it sounds better plus it takes out useless words.)
Lets take out that first period.
Everypony could feel it and everypony knew that something terrible was moving in. (If you wanted a pause just add a comma.)
What they didn't know, was that their world was being guarded, by one with the purest of souls. (Sounds fine to me.)
This can be removed and added to the previous line if you add a comma to the last line and after power, also add an a before being like so [What they didn't know, was that their world has been guarded by this] by one with the purest of souls, a being of great power since the world began. ( It makes it sound like it's not trying to repeat itself.)
Remove the comma after now. He was given the task of defending it, and now he must see his task through. (It doesn't sound like it needs a pause.)
Remove the first comma. Even though this time, he might not be able to defend this world. (It doesn't need a pause between Though and This.)
Now lets add them all together and see if it has improved
The sky was grey, with a darkness moving in on the horizon. Everypony could feel it and everypony knew that something terrible was moving in. What they didn't know, was that their world was being guarded, by one with the purest of souls, a being of great power, since the world began. He was given the task of defending it, and now he must see his task through. Even though this time, he might not be able to defend this world.
Now all flows smoothly and fits together just fine, those are the only major kinda things you need to look out for. I hope this example helps. Keep up the good work.
6326735 Thanks you greatly my good sir. However, I will not edit it tonight seeing as I am dead tired and in need of a good nights sleep.
6326769 Then have a fair night sleep friend
6326773 Actually, scratch what I last said. I forgot all I needed to do was copy and paste and now it is finished! Thank you again my good sir.
Also, might I bother for a few more moments Tell me, do you think the story in itself is good enough to be several chapters long? I ask this question seeing as I get quite a lot of enjoyment out of writing it and the people who read it seemed to enjoy it also.
6326791 I think it could be longer if you flushed out all the important details in the story
6329802 I have actually decided to make it a short story, I am going to make it three chapters long, like my other story: The Dark Side Of The World We Know.
6330161 cool
Come on the next please, release the next chapter
I love this story so far, so when do you think the next chapter might come out?
6476494 Right now I am working on a new story but I have been really occupied by work. Truth be told, I should have gotten the new story out a few weeks ago but work has held me up. And as for this story, This is my next goal to complete and should be done within the next week. Since work has begun to calm down I can start to focus on writing once more. I am glad you like this story my friend.
6477166 Sure thing pal
Huh. Seems interesting.