- Member Since 28th Jun, 2013
- offline last seen February 25th
The Devious Writer
"Inspiration comes and goes; that's neither a good or bad thing. It just means that I'm going to sit here and be lazy until I don't want to be." ~Some a**hole who quotes himself.
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Well, that was fun.
6560314 Fun for everyone.
Except Twilight. It was her first time.
It's my first time writing clop.
...
Glad you liked it.
Nice job for your first time at clop. The act itself is somewhat rushed, but your prose is decent.
6560489 Thank you! I would like to improve, and I'm wondering how I might make it less rushed. Hope you could provide some suggestions!
If that's not too much trouble, I mean.
6560496 I'm not any great writer of clop and the like, but what I can advise is more prosaic description. Draw the scene out more describe it in greater detail. Maybe touch on how it's affecting Twi' psychologically.
If you really want to improve, A) go chat with someone who does a fair bit of clop in whatever style you do best or aspire to and B) write more clop. (And maybe a sequel/continuation to this as well.)
This needs a sequel and/or a prequel of Sombra raping the rest of her friends and Cadence.
6560510 Thanks! I'll consider that the next time I try to write clop.
Really like the subject, Sombra doesn't get enough smutty love. But it is a little quick and if you allow me I'll give some advice.
You need to think about each stage of the act on its own: the teasing, the first thrust, the second, when he gets started, when pain becomes pleasure and above all the money shot. Each part of the story has to be described (feelings, physical contact, emotional response to that contact etc), you need to tell the reader what is going on in sexy details.
For example in your story Sombra is obsessed with Twilight, you could do a lot with that idea alone: when he's just teasing her he could try to seduce her in the twisted ways he only knows, when he gets started he could try to challenge her to resist the pleasure, when he's approaching his peak he could tell her that he intends to have her bear his foals, make her squirm or just break down and accept her fate. Then for the money shot you really need to have a setup (building pleasure, flare growing, tip knocking deeply) and then the pay off (you can play around with sensations here, like heat, volume, weight, thickness). You have then to explain how Sombra and Twilight react to the possibility of impregnation, for example him with pride and his twisted sense of love, and her with despair or possible resignation.
Each of these stages deserves at least one or two paragraphs, when you did them all almost in one. In the end that's the most important thing: take your time when writing about the action. I don't remember where I read this but it stuck to me: "writing smut is like writing about a sword fight, you have to make each strike memorable and explain what each does to the combatants; that way the reader can visualize the action."
6560649 That's very detailed, thank you very much! Also, love that analogy.
6560664
Clop is srs bsns.
And glad to help! I can't take credit for the metaphor idea, i read it on a blog post I can't find now. That's not the exact quote but the idea is there.
6560731 This is the second time today I've read that clop is srs bsns. Perhaps it's a sign that I should write more clop.
Well written could have been longer, but 'twas good nonetheless
actually what woulda happened if she failed, is that the regal sisters would ahve come in.
6560952 And Twilight uses this as a threat to Sombra at the end of this story. But how fast do you think news of their failure could reach Celestia and Luna, considering they were simply staring out their windows, according the the episode proper?
6560971 they are beings with supernatural powers. you really think they couldn't sense or detect the issue?
more so when there isn't a pulse of energy from there that would be an alert in of itself.
Seriously, he would be doomed. the issue is if he could manage to banish the empire once more before they bring him down.
6561096 You're telling me they'd know exactly when Twilight would find the Heart? The most likely way they'd find out that Twilight was defeated would be if they knew exactly how long Cadance could exert herself, or guards were stationed to monitor the Empire and report back. The show has made clear many times that they're not omniscient or omnipresent, much less omnipotent. They're not shown to have been monitoring the Empire in any way, since they are shown to find out Twilight wins through the aurora. Not to mention, we have no idea how long it would take them to travel from Canterlot to the Crystal Empire. The farthest we've ever seen Celestia teleport in the show is from Canterlot to Ponyville in Lesson Zero, which is nothing if you check the official Equestrian map. Though, it is to note that Twilight and Cadance managed to fly to 'the ends of Equestria' in what seems to be an afternoon, though this location is not shown on the Equestrian map, and the closest border of Equestria to Ponyville is still a much smaller distance than Canterlot to the Crystal Empire. Twilight also manages to teleport throughout Equestria with the power of four Alicorns, but even that only covered a small area of Equestria.
Not to mention, it was implied that if King Sombra was to successfully claim the Crystal Empire, his power would increase dramatically.
6561253 i'm saying they would know when the heart should activate at least.
6561311 That was the first one I countered. They don't know how long it will take for Twilight to find the heart. That is completely up to Twilight, they wouldn't be testing her if they knew for certain when she would be able to retrieve the heart.
Could you maybe one day edit this story?
I'm not saying that it is bad or anything. In fact, I actually liked this. It's just that it felt that it was too short for my taste and could use some expanding in it.
Please!
Start with rape... Note'ed
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6560820
I did a rewrite! Thingy. Mostly just the clop section. Wait, it's only a thousand words longer? Huh.
I'd say, you did a great job with the rewrite, and oh look, you even made it over 2,000 words.
Good for you! You deserve a pat on the back for effort!
6618929 Thanks!
Also why did I not see this comment before? I could have sworn I visited this story's comments lots of times...
When are you going to write the next twilightxsombra fic?
6787951 I write mostly on a whim, so I'm not sure if the Sombra/Twilight pairing will come up again for a while, or if it'll be connected to this story. I am thinking of a Twilight/Nightmare Moon right now though.
Well written. That is all We have to say
6851263 Thank you!
cant wait for more ^^
You going to make more chapters?
OK. That was interesting.
It was greatly written
8918717 Thank you!
8919685
it was really nice to read it
I did wish it was a bit longer
Hmm…
I think this is the first fic I've seen where Twilight's more angry and defiant than desperate or worried.
I want part 2 lololol
Hope a review’s okay!