With an editor, most of the spelling and grammatical errors that are pushing readers away could be fixed.
The premise is a strange one for an opening chapter. For one thing, the main character appears to be one existing before the Great War ended in the apocalypse. For that matter, more mention should be given about the Great War, just so that the reader is reminded of the Fallout: Equestria lore. What intrigues me is the immediate urgency of the situation: an impending disaster is coming and obviously the protagonist is more concerned about finding out what it is than he is about examining the whole oddity of his situation.
There is a clear mystery with various pieces coming together through the clues in each train car. The reveal at the end was quite unexpected as well, and it sets up rather grimly the theme of this story: fighting fate.
The first chapter, however, proves a little lacking in characterization and description. The narration does not really lend much personality to the protagonist, which is a shame, since strange, disturbing visions are usually good moments to acquaint the reader with the character. Also, too many details are left to the imagination. The reader is told who characters are, but they are not shown those characters; the setting is referenced, but never clarified. More description would help the reader better imagine the story unfolding.
Overall, the potential is present, but it is glanced over. Revisions and editing recommended. Once the most visible errors are corrected, this story will be able to present a narrative unique to the FOE fandom.
With an editor, most of the spelling and grammatical errors that are pushing readers away could be fixed.
The premise is a strange one for an opening chapter. For one thing, the main character appears to be one existing before the Great War ended in the apocalypse. For that matter, more mention should be given about the Great War, just so that the reader is reminded of the Fallout: Equestria lore. What intrigues me is the immediate urgency of the situation: an impending disaster is coming and obviously the protagonist is more concerned about finding out what it is than he is about examining the whole oddity of his situation.
There is a clear mystery with various pieces coming together through the clues in each train car. The reveal at the end was quite unexpected as well, and it sets up rather grimly the theme of this story: fighting fate.
The first chapter, however, proves a little lacking in characterization and description. The narration does not really lend much personality to the protagonist, which is a shame, since strange, disturbing visions are usually good moments to acquaint the reader with the character. Also, too many details are left to the imagination. The reader is told who characters are, but they are not shown those characters; the setting is referenced, but never clarified. More description would help the reader better imagine the story unfolding.
Overall, the potential is present, but it is glanced over. Revisions and editing recommended. Once the most visible errors are corrected, this story will be able to present a narrative unique to the FOE fandom.