I like Anime, video games, midnight strolls, and other things.
Luna is trapped on Earth, will it be forever, maybe, maybe not, but she isn't alone, she has a friend, a human to be precise. Will Luna ever return home, or will she be stranded on Earth, where everything is the opposite of her own world.
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A few tips for your writing.
It's not a good idea to use both past and present tense inter-changably in your writing (EG your first paragraph: " she couldn't remember the events that happened last night, all she could do is open her eyes and stretch on the soft grass. Her eyes widen as she jumps up"). Chose to write your story in either past or presence tense and stick with it throughout.
You should also be more descriptive. You told me what happened in this first chapter. What Jake did, what Luna said, etc. But there's no substance. What does Jake's house look like? What is he thinking? What is Luna thinking? Does Jake live in a suburb? In the inner city? Out in the country? Be descriptive, be eloquent with your words. Paint a picture with your story in the reader's head. Show, don't tell.
This is a concept that has been done many times, to varying degrees of success. I'll be brutally honest, this is one of the worse starts I've seen. It's more of a rough outline of a first chapter than an actual first chapter ready for publishing. And it feels like you had to stretch and put in filler words to meet the minimum word-count for the story - not a good start. I'd recommend reading some of the other stories on the site and seeing how their authors type, maybe read a couple of guides on writing both on the site and elsewhere on the web, and come back when you've got a bit more knowledge under your belt.
Don't let the dislikes discourage you. You are off to a good start there are just a bunch of people that hate HiE and PoE fics
Alright, and thanks for looking at my story and giving me some tips you two, I really appreciate it, and I will look at other stories so I can see how they are typed and what not.
I have a feeling that this is going to get good. Especially since its Luna and Luna is best pony.
Great so far, looking forward to more!
Just to make a point out, I don't care what kind of insults people say about my story.
Its rough, but its clear this is your first try. Still, better than my first attempt (I started writing on another site years ago.) so be proud you wrote something intelligible on the first try.
I felt you rushed through several phases of 'the displaced pony' trope, but that's excusable. We all begin as newbies. =3
My suggestion is to read other fanfics like this one and try and pick apart their scenes. Ask yourself why you really liked reading it. Try stretching out your scenes a little and give detail.
Keep going, it doesn't matter if you write poorly at the start. If you like writing then you'll only get better as you go.
Hey guys and or gals, I haven't been able to post a new chapter since school has been getting in the way, tests have been a cancer to me and I have been through depression, but I'm out of depression and hopefully I will be able to start a new chapter. So I do apologize for not posting a new chapter, which I will try to make if school isn't going to hold me back.
I gave up on the story guys, sorry.