Psst... You wanna read some horse porn?
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The thing about this is, you should always make the effort to ask an artist their permission to use their art as a cover. It's lazy to not send them at least one message, two if you don't hear back in a week or two. At least then you can say you've made that much of an effort. Even if you don't hear back from them, there's far better ways to say what you've written. I'd go for something like: "Cover belongs to (insert artist's name here). Used without permission but in good faith." What you've put comes across as extremely arrogant.
Now, onto the story.
Missing a comma between 'long' and the closing quotation mark.
Swap the positions of the comma and period around.
The comma goes on the outside of the brackets.
De-capitalise 'He'.
Comma between 'worry' and closing quotation mark. Capitalise 'rainbow'.
Swap the positions of the comma and period around.
Well that escalated quickly
Use a comma or semi-colon after 'asking'.
Effectively: abruptly asking; “Are
or: abruptly asking, “Are
It doesn't matter which, but you need one or the other. I'm partial to the semi-colon.
De-capitalise 'she'.
You'd probably be better off using an ellipsis in place of the period.
Missing a period at the end of 'unabated'.
Replace comma with a period.
Axe the strike-though portion and replace with just 'the'.
Effectively the sentence becomes: This is the first time I’m really seeing the grownup mare you really are.”
OK, that escalated really fucking quickly
Capitalise 'blaze' since it's a name in this case.
Why are they swollen? That seems rather weird to me.
With that out of the way, the story itself is, admittedly, a bit sub-par in comparison to what I normally read. It would be a good idea to get someone who's willing to edit, then you can potentially bump up the quality of the story. Nothing really happens outside of "and then this happens" in terms of development, so you missed out on a lot of potential for that Between daughter and father. You could try reading more clopfics to get a better idea on how to write longer sex scenes, as this one didn't do a good job of getting a rise out of me, heh. Try doing a lot more research before you write another clopfic. This was just way too short to accomplish anything, sorry.
7245295 Thanks for the detailed response. I do have someone who usually edits my stuff, but apparently incest grosses him out, so I was on my own for this one.
Also your right, I should have messaged Ambris, I was just overly eager to get this published
Anyway I'll make the changes you mentioned right away.
Thanks for the criticism.
7245295 do u edit others fics
7245324 She now knows, as I messaged her through tumblr, and she's fine with it so long as you credit her.
7246473 Thanks! though for the record, I sent a her a message on Deviant Art and was waiting for a response.
7245539 Oh sure. I've got a laundry list of stories I've helped with on my profile by their respective authors. Go have a look if you want.
0 to 100 real fuckin' quick.
This fic is confusing to me. Not the fic itself, mind you, but the response it's receiving. How can something so riddled with spelling and grammatical errors, not to mention being just a rather uncomfortable read, be so popular?
Boners are a powerful thing.
7249344
Incest is Wincest. Especially when heat and/or impregnation is involved.
7250244 That video is now what i'm sure anyone would use when a sex scene is about to happen in a story that's not a shameless clop fest.
7250998 I certainly hope so. I want to start a new fad here.
7246653 i meant could you help me with mine?
Well, finished reading this clop-fest attempt. Uhm.. was not entirely persuaded by it but... it was a nice attempt. Continue to improve and I hope to read more from you!
Well...I just read this...
Well that was a roller coaster!
(_))===D
7250244 well this is single handedly the most amazing thing I've seen all day, and the day just started.
7297253 (takes a bow)
AHAHAH! Pervert of a Blaze....
7246490
Welp, guess I'm going to hell. I enjoyed this way too much...
Well this was........ fun?
So many stories of father impregnating daughter. What I really want is one that deals with the aftermath. What happens when the child/sibling/grandchild is born, how do they cope with this child in their life, what about when the child grows up to find out that their mother is also their sister and that their father is also their grand father?
A is for anthro b is for ...I GOT A FUCKING BONER!
9551678
Thanks! fixed.
Alucard Voice: And with that reading, I have a boner.
7245295
A lot of errors you pointed out. Trying to become an English teacher? (If so, my brother could really use some assistance).