- Member Since 16th Sep, 2016
- offline last seen Jul 21st, 2021
Bobbybrony
The Bronies have now infiltrated the police, prepare for love and tolerance you criminal scum!
Bobbybrony
Joined 16th Sep, 2016 ·
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Leave it to a private to fuck things up
He's going to wake up, naked, next to a bunch of sticky mares, ain't he?
7614370 Interesting idea
But not quite
The good stories are subtle when they don't have to be stark.
I feel as though there are some missed opportunities in this interlude. It's not bad, I don't want to give that impression, but we get very little impression of what John's observer thinks or feels about the situation, the vast cultural, technological, hell, even sexual differences between the two species. Perhaps this is an artifact of how the information is being transferred, but it feels slightly disconnected.
Again, this is only an opinion, but a couple of things I thought of were...
The rate at which modern battlefield combatants have to process vast amounts of information is pretty stunning, and would be particularly bewildering for someone trained in the kind of engagements that ponies would be expected to serve in. This would be good to elaborate on.
Modern combat is hours of boredom connected by scant minutes of pants shitting terror. I'm not saying Pre-Industrial combat was any less brutal mind you, but on the modern battlefield people die FAST. You did a good job of illustrating the frenetic pace of modern combat but the stark difference between Pre-Industrial fighting (where typically each combatant is a warrior and individual skill plays a great deal into who lives and who dies) and modern fighting (where combatants are soldiers in the truest sense of the word, trained to operate as a unit who's sole purpose is to kill the enemy like a murder factory, and where a single mistake from an experienced combatant can result in a 7.62mm retirement plan). Hell, none of these ponies has even seen a combat situation. It would be interesting to see if some of them develop mild PTSD from having it thrust on them.
Emotional overtones could bleed through. I mean, we get bits of his thoughts, certainly emotional overtones would be interesting to see. How an alien processes emotions, love, friendship, fear, so on... these are things that ponies could compare and contrast. How alien it is. Herd vs. "tribe". You know? One idea that I had and implemented in QC is that in a herd the individual sacrifices for the greater good, whereas with human, "tribal" reaction is the exact opposite it seems. Fifty people will put themselves in personal danger to save one individual that's part of the tribe. Individuals OUTSIDE the tribe can become almost dehumanized. Think about how ALIEN this would feel to ponies. It makes for interesting material.
Anyway, like I said, there's nothing wrong with what you wrote. These are just some thoughts I had, and I figured I'd share with you since you voiced an interest in improving your story. My intent is merely to provoke thought that may translate into ideas you can turn into good writing, use as many or as few as you wish.
Thanks for writing.
7623524 Thanks very much for your feedback, I do appreciate it.
I have some thing in mind in order to develop from this and am currently working on it.
Hopefully what I'm working towards will improve on some of those issues.
I applaud your quick rate of posting, but this chapter in particular could use a heavy editing pass. There are multiple instances of words being misused in their given context, essentially misspelled but the misspelled words are words in their own right, so they might not necessarily be caught by spell check. I think you need to slow down a hair, give your work a good read or two, or perhaps pick up a beta reader. I'll try to point out the things that bothered me, or where the grammar or spelling could use a bit of work.
The only pair of military boots I have ever owned that I could put on rapidly enough that no one would catch me before I went out the door was a pair of LOX boots I used to own when I worked in the battery locker, and that was only because they were laceless slip on/ slip off type boots for dealing with hazardous substances. Granted, I haven't kept up on combat boots, and I certainly know nothing about ordinance disposal boots or British combat uniforms, but I do know running in untied combat boots is a good way to turn an ankle, and there ain't no way you're going to tie up a pair of combat boots in less than 15 to 20 seconds. That's enough time for ponies to catch you before you leave, I would think.
Weird period in the middle of a sentence.
should probably be he rises.
bloody hell off me.
him to lose his footing, actually maybe grip would work better, one because he was holding John down, and two because he ain't got no feets.
Both of these should probably be questions. If you're trying to emphasize excitement while he's asking a question you could probably go with ?!
Another sentence that should be a question as written.
I would argue they they have lived without any technological advancement in the military BECAUSE they have had a long lasting peace. I get what you're saying, but I feel like the phrasing could be a bit better.
This is somewhat confusing. I'm going to walk you through what I got from this, and you can see if what I got and what you meant are the same thing. Regardless, it's a bit awkward.
Ok, so it seems like Chaser is saying, even with your technology, it still isn't easy to kill is it? John seems to reply that it DOES make it easier on humans, since you can kill at a distance and it isn't really as intimate, but that it probably wouldn't make it easier for ponies, since death isn't as much of a reality for them as it is for humans. Is this what you were going for? The problem is the "No it really doesn't. He seems to be saying two contradictory things in quick succession, like... does your tech make it easy? No it doesn't, but guns make it easier to kill someone, which probably wouldn't help you any, fighting people in melee combat up close is hard. Does this make any sense? I'm not trying to nitpick, I kinda get what John is saying but it feels like you had two different thoughts that he was trying to convey and they got mixed up and became confusing because of it.
I get this is meant to be funny, ironic bro bonding sass, but it comes across as really misogynistic. Maybe the point was to be exaggeratingly misogynistic so that Chaser would laugh, but it feels kinda... awkward, which may have been your point. If so, carry on.
the fur around her eyes is slightly damp
John, you're back
standing on her... also I think hind legs would be more appropriate here but that's up to you.
attempt to create as much distance between us as possible. Feels like the sentence just cut off.
extra that it
"I can't imagine losing mine."
all examples of "loose" should be lose.
I thought his name was John. Unless his name is Positive, I think you needlessly capitalized a word here.
Again, this is just a quick editing pass of mine, things I noticed as I read. This is by no means a hard editing pass, and a good beta reader will improve your writing by a large factor. Good luck, and thanks for writing.
7625809 Once again, thank you for your feedback.
I have corrected some of these issues quickly and shall have another check through.
I've been try to get this out before I went back on shift rotations where I would disappear for a week.
And random point with the boots, although it won't come off clear some units are issued combats with a quick release zip along the side as well as the laces on the front. I was issued a set when I was in the Royal Logistic Corps and I still use a set today in the Police
7626094 Makes sense. Again, I was just pointing out a possible continuity error, but it appears you have it in hand.
Yay!!! more plz.
7635363 In due time my friend, hopefully within the next few days.
Fifteen(15) you have it as 'fifth teen' in the chapter.
If someone has a character idea, did you want them to comment, or PM you?
7639850 Thanks for the spot
the odd one slips through the cracks
By all means send me a PM with any suggestions for characters and I will get back in touch with you ASAP
Nice. Drunken conversation is the best conversation.
Btw the link is dead, try this one: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WccfbPQNMbg
I hate it when YouTube deletes videos
7647600 Who doesn't love a senseless drunken ramble
Also with the link I have changed it just in case, when testing it and reviewing it again the original worked fine
weird
7648806 Maybe YouTube hates me?
when I clicked on it I got the "this video doesn't exist" and searching gave me the one I sent you.
I've got this before, you know the animation 'Cupcakes' with Andrew w.k.'s get ready to die as the song? Try to YouTube search and I can't find the original anywhere.
7649711 Youtube is just harsh to some.
I believe I've fixed the link now anyways, just need to continue on the next chapter now.
Hopefully will be out in the next couple of days.
Is it a mirage? Is it PTSD? Is it a merely a tree? Find out next time on...
Dying Embers!
William be creeping.
Hah!
I wonder if John and Sunny will hook up at some point. Seems to be slowly going that way, i think.
7664740 Only time will tell
How to seal your fate in five words: "I am going to die."
dammit firefly shoulda stayed in cover
Why not make cast bullets? Its faster, easier and they hold the shape better.
7673063 They were based on the materials used for the production of bullets by the British army. Based on his training he stuck to what he knew rather than try to experiment as he had a deadline.
In the future they may experiment with new material along with other things I shall reveal later in the story
I have a number of questions.
1. Why do the ponies have cordite? Even if they have guncotton, and even if they are smoothing out the combustion rate by dissolving the prcipitating it, the name cordite waz only arrived at because it was shaped into cords or rods for the propellant in naval guns.
2. Why are you using black powder? The muzzle velocity will be much lower, and the massively increased amount of fouling is going to degrade performance very quickly.
7678592 Naval cannons are used by the Equestrian and Griffin navy as explain upon briefly in a later chapter, cordite is also used by artillery units within the Griffin military.
And as explained in a previous comment he had limited time in order to create the munitions required. I plan on adding a chapter at a later date where he helps to further develop weapons for the Equestrian military including weaponry and various ammunition types which use a variety of propellants to replace the current black powder he uses for the time being.
It doesn't damage the cartridge in the short run but it will later effect the weapon in other ways.
I plan on having this come back to bite him in a future update.
Awesome, can't wait for the next chappy!
That Major Gaston seems to have suffered from some psychological trauma... what happened to him..? Interrogation? Weariness of war? Something else?
Find out next time on: Dying Embers!
Ugh.. I gotta stop doing that xD
When I read the title of this chapter I instantly throught of Private Ryan
7679337 Exactly what I was going for XD
Good stuff. Could use with an editor for a few spelling mistakes and maybe a prereader or two but other than that it's not bad. Not bad at all.
7683020 I now have a pre-reader for new upcoming chapters
Hopefully he will pick up the errors I miss
some one is a traitor or spy
7693022 There's a Spy moping around here!
I NEED A MEDIC
7664114
Training Instructor (after reading confirmed reports of the capabilities of these particular "horses"): "I am so proud!"
Pinkie, you aren't his training instructor.
Yes I am!
7695391
You, sir/lady(take your pick
) deserve a medal
lh4.googleusercontent.com/-mIdzJKHY1nQ/UwZhk_g6dXI/AAAAAAAAGcM/ZqnK_9HAt_s/s800/olympicookiemedals.jpg Here you go. Three medals to choose from. Take one
7695391 Haha
That's made my day
Here have a well earned moustache
While I can see why they would be alarmed that John ate cows and sheep, horses (and other equines) are not obligate herbivores. They are primarily herbivorous, yes, but they can (and sometimes do) eat meat. Just ask anyone who has left a hamburger or hotdog unattended near where they can reach, or who had watched one kill some small animal that happened to be too close to their hooves, look at it, and then decide to eat it.
And, specifically in the show, there are at least two examples of ponies not adhering to a strictly vegetarian diet: Applejack nearly ate a ham sandwich in the "A Bird in the Hoof" episode which introduced Celestia's pet phoenix, Philomina, and Pinkie Pie has mentioned engaging in a hotdog eating contest in the "Fall Weather Friends" episode. That said, given the sheer number of substitues for meat in the series, Equestria does seam to be mostly vegetarian.
Also, for your viewing pleasure: Humansville!:
mlpforums.com/uploads/monthly_08_2012/post-1477-0-15246900-1343796856.jpg
I Love How he make twilight embarest.
No applejack kiss Me sad
Recruit:
SSgt. Haralt of Hornstone, 49 years old Minotaur Bull, decommissioned veteran Charger of the Minos Army.
Primary equipment: heavy Charger Armor and a short but heavy hellebore.
Fights too honor his deceased Griffin friend Capt. Talk van Silverwing †52.
Van Silverwing died in the first days of the War as Royalist, now only his illegitimate daughter Vera Feathertalon (19) remains of his Family.
Veras mother Liria Feathertalon †26 , a maid of Van Silverwing's household died shortly after child birth, Talk loved Liria very much and loved his daughter Vera even more.
Haralt of Hornstone is the fifth son of the Hornstone Family ruling over the Mountain city part of the double city of "Hornstone and Rubipaw" where the Minotaur Clan of Hornstone and Diamond Dog Pack of Rubipaw ruled side by side for over 800 years now.
Some how I think balbean was worse than what I thought but I don't know a word for what he is to me though I still don't like him killing the prince
Is it ok to hate Balbean?
Fuck this private
Demm this guard is a dick
Lieutenant Dan!
So exating cant wait