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(First Person)(U.C.B. Timeline)
Rewritten Here!
Sweet marshmallows... er, this is a short little story about a mare who listens to a story by an old hindlegless stallion named Hems Cough. She develops a slight fear toward marshmallows after this story. Can't blame her though.
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Surprisingly short, felt ever-so-slightly like a creepypasta, but it lacked the detail that goes with.
A very toned-down ghost story, but it just lacked... something... The climax was surprisingly short, that part is for certain. The rest paced fairly well, but it just seemed rushed at the end to me.
7648143 As it was written more toward Amino, where I had to type it all on a phone I didn't want to make it super long, i.e. adding lots of "extra" words.
My thumbs still feels a little sore from putting it up on Amino. With it being for Amino I had to keep the more... funnest parts of horror out. Little, little kids being on it and all. That and it could have gone against the rules, which would defeat the purpose of being written.
I am thinking about doing another story though, one that will be here only. As Amino stories are fun, but I require them to be shorter(For my thumbs.). The next won't be rushed at the end... well it isn't so much as rushed... as I wrote the ending for this one, with only an hour of sleep the day before writing it.
7648389 Ahhh, lol, I know what you mean. Writing on a phone does tend to be quite a bit harder. Do you have a voice to text function? Maybe that'll help relieve some of it? Google's will accept commands like "Comma", "period", "question mark" and so on. Haven't tried quotes though... It's a little more annoying but it could definitely help rescue those thumbs!
7649019 I completely forgot about that...
I guess I could give it a try, and with a little practice. I'm sure I can make those stories longer.
7649064 No worries! It's honestly a thing I should probably do, too, when I write RP posts :| And mine usually average about 700+ words :| :|
Before I read this, what is the Dark and Horror tags for ?
And how bad does it get ?
7976563 It is, in a sense, light-hearted horror. It doesn't get bad at all, maybe a pickup in heart rate, but it shouldn't make anyone run for the hills.
An enjoayble short story, I can easily imagine why is this your best one. I noticed a few verb slips and places were a change of punctuation would help the gradation and the general flow. In other grammar and spelling aspects, good
I know you said you intended to rewrite this. While doing so, there are a few things that could help the story:
-Describe more of the campfire scene. Where is the campfire? Which characters are there? Why are they here? Also, try to properly describe Hems. If I hadn't read the description, I wouldn't know he is missing legs.
-Mention and explain more of this AU utopia.
-Let the mare realize the body change more slowly and react to that weird feeling rather then just 'Aaaah!'
-Try to play more with the catacomb scene. Use gradation and such.
8144416
Thank you, I'll keep those in mind for the rewrite. It is also surprising... this one was unedited, sadly, it was for a contest on Amino and I was running out of time. Stayed unedited because two versions won't work.
8222087
Well, I'm glad you liked it. And if I can ever get around to the rewrite there will be more dialogue, so I think you'll enjoy it a bit better. And yay, a comment! I love those. :D