A young teenage girl was sitting in a cafe, this girl had big, long and poofy(but not too poofy to cause discomfort) bright orange hair with yellow highlights in a black ponytail with spikes, she had a pale yellow complexion, magenta eyes that looked naturally menacing, she had on a mostly purple outfit, though the part that got noticed the most, was a ruby necklace. This girl's name was Adagio Dazzle.
"Ugh, where are those two idiot sisters of mine?" she muttered get inpatient
a girl then walked in she had two ponytails that were purple with green highlights that had hair ties that looked like silver stars, she had a light purple complexion, dark purple eyes,she had a green top, with purple pants that went down all the way to her ankles, and purple shoes, she also had a necklace that matched Adagio's
"Sorry we're late Adagio, this BABY, wouldn't come until she finished her soda," she said
she was gripping onto an arm of another girl, she had her hair up in a ponytail too, her hair was straight like the latter's except it was light blue with dark blue highlights, she had a bright blue complexion, she had eyes that looked like adagio's, except less menacing, and she had a mostly pink outfit, she had the same necklace as the other two.
"Well, EXCUSE me, I was thirsty," she said
"You're always thirsty, AND hungry," said the latter girl
"Are you calling me fat?"
"What do you think?"
"I think you're the worst, Aria"
"SONATA!!!" she said putting her hands around her neck about to strangle her
"SHUT UP, get over here now!!!" yelled Adagio pulling the girls outside by the arm
"Will you girls stop bickering?we have plans to discuss"
"fine," said Sonata and Aria
"Ever since that "new Twilight" incident happened, our necklaces have been restored, and now, we can get revenge on those girls"
"Except the pink one, I like her," said Sonata smiling
Adagio just rolled her eyes" Maybe we can even convince one of them to become one of us" she continued
"who did you have in mind?" asked Aria
"I don't know yet, but until then, we're going to have to lay low"
she smiled darkly "And this time, no one, will stop us"
Zero likes, three dislikes,....But I won't let it stop me
7937381 maybe that means you should work to improve your writing. Not all the dislikes are haters.
Problems with the story so far:
Chapter 1: Several errors in the first few sentences alone. A giant redundancy in the description, as we can see character tags. There is a part where a character is shocked that a new student is a boy, even though students are either boys or girls. The prose and grammar are atrocious, Pinkie Pie freaks out after she already sees the student who introduces himself and makes a not-joke which results in Pinkie Pie having a nice giggle, and my favorite part of all shipping stories: instant-love (just add water ). It also seems that
sentences are given new lines
even though there has yet to be a period or even a paragraph.
Chapter 2: Some of the same problems in Chapter 1. Also, it's impatient, and should be "she muttered impatiently" or "she muttered, growing impatient". Inpatient: a patient who stays in a hospital while under treatment. Another trope I love, all cap words, because italics do not show emphasis in dialogue. Also, generic evil plans of evil, because God knows, focusing solely on Fluttercord would be too gosh darn diddly hard.
What you gave us is nothing new. This is the same trite Fluttercord story we get 1000 times over, and it isn’t even good. My advice? Get an editor, get a pre-reader and read articles on how to write a story.
As I said before, I'm not a big fan of EQG, but, I am curious about your premise. Though, I gotta ask, does Sunset know about Discord? Let me explain. Sunset in the first movie knew what would occur if she brought the element of magic from Equestria while Twilight didn't. So, you could say she learned about Discord before Twilight did as well. But I'm just theorizing here. Good luck on your writing.
write more please!!!!!!!! i love this!!!!!!!
7937552
Hey, give me a break, It's really hard for me to write these chapters with school crap in the way
7937954
Ya, be nice! I thought it is a good story so far. Good job so far!
9364797
Thanks, and btw your avatar pic is ADORABLE