Chrysalis failed her subjects once to often and with her foolish behavior, her whole live changed from one second tho the other. Now everyone want to see her dead, ponies and changelings.
A few days later, her life get turned again by a mistaken spell from Twilight, was that her chance for a revenge on Twilight or was this Twilights revenge on her?
Thanks to the one who corrected everything he found.
Page generated in 0.187 seconds
Total duration
707 users online
1,013,511 hits today, 2,987,370 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Oh sweet celestia WAT? Plot? Do you have it? Sense? Do you make it?! Aparantly not... Whel'p im too tired to do a concrit... Anyone wanna try?
If yes you have my blessing... Your gonna need it...
and OK concept, dood, but do you pre-read this?
Things come out of no where, I couldn't follow the story, Chrysalis seemed to appear and reappear everywhere that not even she or PInkie can understand, dood.
Can you explain these chapters, dood?
Not sure if this story or another one is the worst Chrysalis story to date on this site. Anyway...
Remember that Shining's wife is spelled "Cadance" and not "Cadence". The only other problem I found, besides a few semantic zits here and there, is the show-not-tell problem. Don't write the events, write what the events do on the characters.
That is all.
891811
Yes, I did, but it seems i failed a lot.
It's not Chrysalis who appears, it's something like a flashback, she remembers things out of the past, if there is a way to make this more clear, I would be grateful to read it.
She actually think that Twilight is taking revenge on her, vor imprison Cadance, That is her feeling after chapter 2.
E: Chrysalis get's banned, her farmer subjects try to kill her, but they failed. Zecora found her, and "helped" her to get on her hooves. In Ponyville, Twilight fails a bit with her healing spell and without any controlling source, magic ist random, everything could happen, she could have just disappeared, but thats not what i wanted to happen.
891927
Ok, I will try it.
And than you for the constructive critical, I try to make the best out of it
It's rather hard to follow, dood. I can't seem to mentally comprehend, a lot of the characters don't seem themselves, and it's not frankly a good thing when the reader is more confused as they go on. I suggest re-writing it, dood, and get a editor. Not me, I suck at editing, A guy is randomly posting my mistakes and I finally get around to fixing them, dood.
Sorry dood, intriguing premise, but poorly executed.
EDIT: As I comment on this as if I didn't already, Instant win for my short term memory loss, dood.
931983
I still haven't found the hook to make you, and some other readers less confused.
Which characters are not them self? Actually Dash, Pinkie and Twi should be them self.
I think you won't believe me if I tell you i Wrote this first in Word, then Copied it in here and rewrote bad parts of it.
After this chapter, there shouldn't be more questions than answers anymore, if this isn't what it will be. i'll have a big problem.
Well, you got my attention.
Sad to say that this did not make it past the initial description.
There are just too many mistakes.
I would recommend you revise it, as the description is just as important as the actual story. It's what draws readers in and gives them the first impression of what the story is about and what it is going to be like.
--Sollace