I awoke with a pounding headache. Note to self, don't faint on a stone floor. Second note to self... Stop fainting already, before I'm accused of being weak. Third note to self... I am weak... Fourth note to self, work on that weakness. Fifth note to self, stop making notes to self already.
I groaned as I picked myself up off the floor. I almost immediately noticed that the noise of the party above had faded. Perhaps everyone else went home or passed out? Either way, I needed to tell Twilight about Discord. I made my way gingerly up the stairs, wincing when I opened the door and light blared into my sensitive eyes.
Once my eyes adjusted, I looked around the room. Books were strewn on the floor, and tables of refreshments had been emptied. The music booth where Vinyl worked her magic was empty as well. Making my way upstairs, I found that all the rooms up here were empty as well. OK, where was everyone? Scanning around for a clock, I found one and was shocked. I had fainted for the entire night! Discord's rise was imminent, buck, it may have already happened!
I rushed outside into the warm air, praying and hoping I was not too late. Making my way to the city hall, where the Princess of the Sun was set to make her appearance, I became uneasy at the lack of sounds on the air. With increased haste I finally arrived at city hall and opened the doors. What I found shocked me. Inside the infrastructure were dozens of life sized statues. Looking closely I could recognize some of my friends, including Berry frozen in the act of running in terror. I saw Twilight and her new friends in a bunch, seeming to stand defiantly against whatever had done this.
Feeling a touch of inspiration, I recalled all the spells I could perform. One in particular, taught to me by Princess Luna herself, stood out. I focused my energies on Twilight, feeling out the formation of stone encasing her. Shocked, I learned that instead of stone, they were encased in some sort of static energy. Right now they could probably all see me, but were unable to move at all. With some on the spot tweaking, I began to undo the magics that kept Twilight frozen. After about a minute and a half, I succeeded in fully freeing her, leaving her stumbling groggily as she tried to regain bodily control.
Leaving her to sort out how to move her hooves instead of her tail, I began to work on her friends. Stretching the spell to encompass all of them, I freed them all within seven minutes. Spells used over greater distance tended to take longer, which was why Celestia and Luna usually started their rituals about an hour before they worked. Even with their vast power, they still needed a little time.
When Twilight and her friends were free, I paused to recover. This was the most magic I had used in my life, and I still had a way to go. Twilight wanted to help free the rest, but I knew that she and her friends had more important business. I felt in my heart that they were destined to great things. I told them to track down Discord, before all of Equestria was his. Unfortunately there were no leads to follow...
"Ha, ha ho ho ho."
We all heard a deep, resounding laughter. Looking around for the source, I noticed that one of the decorative ribbons had started floating overhead. Looking closely I could see a strange, lopsided face on one end, peering creepily at us.
"So, this must be Princess Woona's little apprentice. And he's freeing Celestiuck's little student as well. How precious. In return for touching my heart, I will tell you where I am. 'Under the sun these do dwell, although in the moonlight they grow well. A field of perfection, lit only by the light of the heavenly selection.'"
With these final words, the ribbon vanished in a tuft of smoke. Twilight was sitting there trying to figure out the riddle while her friends had already given up. Seeing Twilight stumped made me decide to try to figure it out. I knew she needed to find him quickly, but it seemed like this obviously night based riddle was directed towards me...
Whoa someone actually using the "Alternate Universe" tag?
I have to check this later.
Wolfsbane plant?
OMG where did you get that image!?~
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Well I hope it doesn't disappoint.
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Not quite.
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Bouncing around on the internet. Lunaisbestponyprincess! (YuNOMAKELUNAEMOTICONS?!)
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Haha, you noticed that...
I figured out the riddle, is Discord hiding in the garden of Moon Lilies?
Calling it right now; Discord is at Novalis' home town. 'Northern Lights' and such.
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Ooh... So close...
1568921 WHAT? it's not the moon lilies?!? interesting... what could it be then.
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It involves moon lilies. But there's more to it, haha.
a small plant on lunas balcony?
no
mabey his home town. northern lights an all
moon related so
moonshine?LOL
artemisa?
[youtube=www.youtube.com/watch?v=wledWvJzGIM] yeahhhhhh new chapter
would it be the everfree forest of where discord is at
Damn, moon lilies. And i was gonna say sunflowers.
And now for a proper (small) review:
I really like your story. Novalis seems like an interesting character, and your characterization of Luna is really good, too.
The first meeting as a student was really good, with the daydream and Luna seeing it ... I think he could have rivaled his shapshifting brother by turning to bright red in a matter of seconds.
I kinda was disappointed by the reason you stated for Luna to remain with Novalis. Obviously you needed one, but "staff shortage"? The princess/goddess has to jump in out of staff shortage? I don't think Luna would mind that much, but the remaining staff would probably be mortified and feeling extremely guilty for "dissapointing" their princesses, whilst most patients (Novalis apparently excluded) would be up and about faster than you can blink, even if they would still be ill.
I personally would prefer these reasons: (I) Luna feels guilty for making him drink the wine even though Novalis didn't really want it., even though he just didn't want to drink it out of it's rarity. But emotions aren't always logical. (II) Luna is the princess/goddess of the night. The night is the time where everyone relaxes and recovers from his wounds. It would make sense for her to be very skilled in healing magic. (III) She can also make a joke about how she can't let a personal student of hers die after the first day.
Then the next part: Why would Luna join Novalis in his bed that soon? I just don't get it. It would make much more sense if he would have stayed in the hospital for a few days, and his sleep (and thus his recovery) has been denied by his nightmares.
Then the part where Luna awakens: My favourite part of the story. It is not only funny, but also very realistic - and I can just see it happening.
Luna's visit to Novalis family was very surprising, and I don't really know why she did it. I did like it, though.
The orb and the subsequent talk seems to be the changing point in their relationship, with Luna viewing him in a different way. Definitly the foundation of the coming romance. The only thing I didn't like about it was that you didn't include one sentence in direct speech. It's not a big problem, but I personally think it add's a lot of depth if you don't just summarize it, but write it out. I also know what a pain it is to write it in a convincing way.
Now to Diurnality: It also just pop's in very random, with one sentence as an introduction. But that isn't my problem. Up to the point where Novalis opens his mouth I like the chapter, but everything after that is heavily out of character for Celestia. She has been wearing a mask in front of her subjects for a thousand years, probably more - that mask wouldn't just crack after two rather uninspiring sentences, and definitly not to the point of her crying. But that's just my opinion.
My favorite sentence of the next part: Hubbageebrixagrushmah?! I I really like it.
Probably more than the actual happenings, not that they aren't well written: You see, the problem with Mary Sue's is mostly not their power, but the way they are forced into the story. Novalis being sent to Ponyville with Twilight and his sudden obsession with checklists (and books, and how he avoids making friends - you just sent 2 Twilights there) are definitly my least favorite part of the story, sorry. And I also don't get why Celestia sends Luna to oversee the preparations.
I could elaborate it more if you want.
To summarize: I really like your story. I think that you should focus more on Novalis/Luna, and take the mane six out of the "main picture" as fast as possible, to avoid a Mary Sue effect. I am looking forward to Luna teaching some magic and generall stuff (like society) to Novalis, and of course the romance. But you may want to check some of your (future) reasonings.
Favored, and liked, btw, and I will definitly continue reading.
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Aah, lovely. A complete and thorough overview, with opinions and honest reasoning. I love you, kind reader, for giving me exactly the constructive criticism I look for. And in return, I shall address the problems you have pointed out.
Yes, this is true. Unless... you think about foreshadowing, perhaps? Eh, I'm not the best writer around, but I did try to leave this open-ended. That's all I can say, alas.
Err... I didn't make it clear enough that she fell asleep healing him, did I? And once asleep, she might have gotten uncomfortable, and moved to the most readily available comfort zone, ie, his bed. Is that better?
Perhaps to introduce herself personally to his parents? To assuage any doubts about herself, and let them know he was in safe hooves?
I find it difficult to get my meaning across with words. I'm terrible with vocabulary, even though I possess quite a large one. Perhaps it's because I possess a large store of words... Hmm.
Hmm... I tried to make the sentences inspiring enough. Guess I failed... But maybe she was cracking under the strain? I myself can endure for a long time, but certain words, at a specific time, can break my facades. At any rate, I'll try to avoid making it seem that way in the future. My apologies.
He was mentioned to be intelligent, yes? Such a mind is often easily helped by simple organization. In fact, I'd wager to say that lists of some sort are used by any being of higher intellect. And on that note, once you reach a certain level of intelligence above your peers, then they begin to get jealous, and making friends becomes more difficult.
Siblings. If I had that much power, one of the only few I could trust for such important tasks would be my brother.
They aren't in the list of characters of this story for a reason, haha. Don't worry, this story won't involve a terribly large amount of their time. Too many stories are written around them as it is, because a lot of people don't seem to want to break from that norm. Or if they do, they make characters that are way beyond realistic. Sure, Novalis' eyes fluctuate, and his hooves are a different color than his coat, but all of that will be explained in due time.
By all means, be my guest.
And my final words are as follows. Thank you for your review, such things are critical to my improvement, and my audience's happiness. I write so that others may enjoy my work, and also to have fun by challenging my atrophied creative processes. I am deeply grateful to any and all who appreciate my story, and am respectful and courteous to those who dislike it. That isn't to say that I will tolerate useless bashing, however.
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Huh. This has sat in my read later list for a while. Slow update days let me catch up on that list, and i happened to get to this one today, among others.
While what i would love to say eludes me at this point, more because i'm tired and can't brain well enough to say it, than anything else. I will say that this story has piqued my interest. Have a thumb and fave, i'm keeping an eye on this one.
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Uh oh... You have something else to say later. Hope it's good!
I... think, i got the riddle now. You said the answer 'moon lillies' was close, so my guess is the Canterlot Royal Gardens. In the Canon universe, that's where Discord's original 'challenge' takes place for the Mane Six, specifically the labyrinth for them, though. My thoughts, as to the riddle, that isn't a moon lily, would be a mushroom. They grow in caves though, so maybe the cave from 'Dragonshy'?
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Alright, as to my thoughts, now that i've had enough time to get some sleep, and work some (most) of them out. There's some little things that just made this story for me. Luna waking up and out of reflex, smacking Novalis? Completely hilarious, and i'dve expected nothing less. Those little dreams in the middle of a scene, great little touches that convey some extra emotion. Little moments like that make this story so much more than it appears to be. Each character is pretty believable, even Luna and, to some extent, Celestia. Celestia's 'mask' shattering as easily as it did just seemed wrong to me, after spending a thousand years or more behind it, but the amount of D'awwww in that scene made up for it. I'm interested to see where you go with the cliffhanger you've left, and i normally hate cliffhangers.
I'd love to see this whole thing continued. I do have one question, though. In the cannon universe, the 'big bad' of this particular event, Nightmare Moon, doesn't exist. Why did you choose to bump Discord up from where he would've regularly appeared in the timeline? Or is his original appearance in the cannon universe going to be appearance #2, and a much harder fight?
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YAY! Thoughts to reply to!
Now, to actually do so.
Damn, there's only the one question I actually need to... oh wait... the riddle. Still off, buddy, still off... Lol, getting warmer, but then you got colder... Haha.
As for Discord, yes, this is replacing Nightmare Moon, and yes, he will be released a second time for his canon appearance. However... I am not sure if I'm going to write Novalis into that fight, or let the Mane 6 deal with it in the background of Novalis' continued studies. I don't want to stray too far from the canon universe, having already written an OC into it and removing a major story from it. Get my drift?
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They were two separate guesses. I'm still interpreting the warmer as the Canterlot gardens. *Realization* Damn it... It's the old castle isn't it, where Nightmare Moon was originally defeated, or at least the Everfree?
Good, i interpreted that right then. You've still got a long ways to go until then, so leave it in your subconscious until then. The first fight hasn't even happened yet, eh?
Yeah, i've not written a story before, but i definitely know as a reader (who can see some possible lines of where you're going), i know the feeling. I've got about five or so different ways this story goes about the first fight, and i'm not stating them. I try to keep possible spoilers away, but mostly, they're vague as hell, no meat to how it happens, just 'generic A -> B involving characters X,Y,Z, and AA, and something happens,' right now.
Oh, and at the time i opened to view this reply, apparantly it was only 41 seconds after you posted it. Dunno how i managed to refresh my notifications page fast enough, to find that waiting.
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MAGIC!
WATCH IN AWE!
I am like Luna and Twilight and I swear on my life that Discord has been shipped with everypony same as Spike and Big Mac
I feel so sorry for them