Brony-wan-kenobi
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There's your problem PIP. You thought! Rule number one, bad things happen when you think they won't. What is your deal Pip?
Sorry, that beginning line was too much for me not to say that. I may get this look over.
I kinda expected the whole Yak alliance to fall short. They need to curb the violent tendencies. Even Dragons behave better. Also, please don't tell that Equestria is going to fall to the Caribou for the entire time that Pip and Succubous are gone. I'd rather their invasion fail before it starts.
8243651
Maybe
Let me guess, it's a voodoo dolly, right?
ok I can see where this is going just once I would like to see some one do something with the Caribou other then a bunch of rape happy thugs just ones people I mean dear luna there 1000s of things you can do with them and yet all any one ever dose is make them a bunch of rape happy thugs
8243961
Are you sure you know where this is going? This isn't a fall story
8243965 well considering that whole bit with the mare crawling on the floor and licking her masters hooves clean and the fact the Caribou are in it it is pretty save to say that is where it is heading unless do something that shows that the Caribou while being patriarchal that they can still respect a matriarchal race or have them want to take over cause they see the ponies as weak and only the strong should rule
Well, this cultural experience is starting off swimmingly. Of course, early on in the chapter, I had one thing running through my head, but it had nothing to do with the story itself, as far as I'm aware. I was wondering just what the foals of Pip and Succubus would be like, the time between the end of the prior story and this one is left in a bit of an ambiguous state. Time is a factor, especially when you consider Succubus's insistences on certain behaviors. Considering the activities she insists on, some of which happened on the train (the mare has very little self-restraint) there is a good chance she could be pregnant, granted, it would be an early stage, especially when you take the gestation cycle for equines into consideration.
8244025
Well wish I could tell you more, but I can't give away too many spoilers. You'll just have to trust me
8244718
ok since I know your work I will give the benefit of the doubt so I will be witting for the update
Good opening so far, I like the little joke about the Caribou but hope this doesn't turn into a 'Fall' fiction. As you are the author I will trust you on that as I like your work and it would be a shame to have it go down that route.
Otherwise I like the descriptions of Hollow Shades and even the train with its gothic design. It gives the thestrals an almost Transylvanian feel.
...
Really hope this dont go down that road......
Tis a very steep, dark, and slippery slope.
Seems like Banshee a little selfish, and lacking empathy because of her narrow world view, she didn't even let Succubus try explaining anything before automatically jumping to conclusions.
8249296
Well, she is a five year old filly
8249300
Point taken. Succubus is going to have her work cut out for her explaining it all to someone who has yet to experience puberty.
8249302
Not to mention what she can do with her power. Just imagine someone that young with that kind of power.
8249304
Wow, her moral compass is going to be really skewed, if not outright busted, without a considerable dosage of intervention. Of course as "punishment" Dark could always just send her to be educated in Ponyville for a few months (possibly a year or more), I'm sure there are plenty of residents in Ponyville who would be more than willing to put up with her
Family drama, political crisis and this is only day one.
How did I miss this story!?
I must read immediately!
8251688
I'm as surprised as you
Banshee is going to require a more...shall we say, creative approach when being disciplined. Since Pip was the one she offended maybe Dark would think it poetic for Pip to decide her punishment, it also seems like Dark's sort of style.
I think I found someone I should be able to relate to.
Should. But won't.
C L I C K
Well, it’s official, “Prince Charming” is most certainly not charming. In fact, he’s a massive Jerkass
I hope when it is all said and done "Prince Charming” becomes another statue in Princess Celestia’s garden just like Discord was. This being needs karma to come calling with 800% interest.
Oh ho, so that's the game he likes to play, is it?
Well, I hope he's fully aware of what's to come to pass when it's game over for him. Not 'If'. 'When.'
Interesting, I like the description of the underground/stalactite city, but I now also wonder who is Prince Charming? What is his game?
8315291
Well the only way to find out is to keep reading lol
8376529
It will continued. Apparently a now former friend did all the stuff on Saturday. So no worries this story will be complete.
This is the first little error I spotted, I suspect there are more.
I bet that this nobel family has much more dangerous mines then the inspections claim. Let's see how it survives being exposed to the light of truth.
On another note, that was heartwarming. Knowing Rarity, if Ghostly Stich does decide to go that route chances are if she can't have her in the main store she'll probably commission the purchase or construction a facility that could potentially better meet those needs. I also think it would nice to see a side story revolving around this character, I only got introduced and already want to see more.
8387160
Well we will be seeing more of Hollow Shades and the Hanging City with plenty of other characters. Hopefully they will all be enjoyable
Succubus is quite wise...in her own way. I like what you've done by taking what is typically viewed as a desirable female body (large breasts, wide hips etc) and turned it on its head with the Thestrals. Ghostly is going through so much because of her body and Succubus has started to make her see that she is a beautiful mare and there will be someone out there for her. It's quite sweet, well done.
Really liked this chapter. Succubus is finally able to stop worrying so much about what might happen while she's in Hollow Shades. Best part, she getting over her worries by helping other thestrals with their worries.
I'm glad to hear her intentions are to recruit new talent who may very well need a way out of Hollow Shades to build a new and better life. While I doubt Succubus and Pip can afford to hire every thestral that need a change of pace/scenery, even if they were to limit themselves to just the discriminated busty mares. Still the idea of giving a reason to believe that they can improve their lives by broadening their horizons is a pleasant idea that Succubus is giving them.
My only worry is of course that evil Prince Charming. Who's he gonna seduce next? Will he go after Succubus, and will her love of Pip be enough to save her? Or could Dragonfly, Ghostly Stitch or some other thestral Succubus befriends only to be seduced and made to betray our protagonist?
I'm so hyped for the continuation of this story.
I'll read through this and have feedback in three days. How's it going so far? Sorry I've taken so long; working 70 hour weeks is murder.
8405220
No problem. Trust me, I know how it is. Being writing this while moving to a new apartment and not taking any time off. Also dealing with stuff mentioned on my blog.
I look forwards to you feedback
8405592
It's coming later today. :) Definitely not as much as last time, but it's coming.
8432161
Getting a little worried. The story isn't even done and have so much to say. At least, judging by the length of time it is taking to post something. Don't know if it's a good thing or a bad one.
Either way, comments help
8434482
I think the end result is going to be about 3K words or so. Not too many.
Very good. Hammering out your writeup now.
I apologize for the very long wait I have put you through. It was unacceptable and I am sorry. I got wrapped up with work and business, and going back into ketosis, which ultimately manifested in leaving you hanging for way too damn long. Now I've purposefully made some time and really read your story, I'd like to rectify this outstanding balance and give you what I promised.
Because I already said so much back when reviewing the original Pip's Treasure Chest, which I enjoyed but ultimately held mixed feelings about, although I think you could submit that to the Reviewers' Cafe this upcoming October 7'th, and there is far less to remark on here due to where the story currently is, this review is going to be not so much a freeform dissertation as it is going to be a point by point assessment of what you have got down so far followed by a conclusion with some criticisms and some recommendations.
For anyone reading this comment section and looking to avoid spoilers for the first four chapters of the fic, scroll on by.
Narrative: This story kicks off a not quite certain amount of time after the original Pip's Treasure Chest. I'm actually not too sure when, but clearly enough time has gone by for Pip and Succubus to have settled into a more or less normal marriage, and for their business to have become quite well established. Indeed, all is going well. I find it to be a small note of annoyance that in between stories they have gone from just a small town couple to connected with the princesses so much that Princess Celestia finds it fitting to dispatch them on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan, I mean Hollow Shades. Why a couple of goddesses can't just crush them back into line if they get too unmanageable is beyond me. It is sorta contrived, but oh well. This, naturally, has Succubus freaked out more than a little bit, and quite understandably so. She wants them to do something mining or Threstrals of some investigation about nobility, and only they can do it, OFC... And while they are doing this, some dude named Prince Charming has been acting like an incubus and exploiting the hell out of some poor, magically enslaved castle maid to get secrets and raid her keep for reasons we'll some to understand. So CPip3O RDD2 arrive on Batooine, I mean Pip and Succubus arrive in Hollow Shades, and it becomes immediately clear that all is not quite well. They get a missive from Dark Bargain and get their own private guard, someone who is totally not scary at all. Plus they meet Succubus's little kid sister, and some blacksmith guy. Dark Bargain wants to send them off to help him with some ploy in the Hanging City elsewhere, given that there's still a shitstorm going down after all the chaos that was involved in the final chapters of the origibnal Treasure Chest, which you have done a great job of acknowledging and remembering. He wants them to seperate, Pip handing business in the Hanging City while Succubus remains back in Hollow Shades. This thrills her sister, who has missed her dearly, while not making the couple in question all too happy. And so they go their separate ways for the moment. And while this is going on, Prince Charming has finished playing Arnord Schwarzenegger with his latest maid and is on his way back to Threstral territories. He's got some very evil plans on his mind. We learn that the mining companies are gradually failing and that Threstrals have an interesting inherrent magic, that minerals mined by them grow back and quickly. But ever since someone has started replacing them with cheaper non threstral miners, the deposits have been getting depleted and not replenished. Hollow Shades is now rapidly becoming Equestria's West Virginia, but is trying to cope by developing a tourist industry which stops them from starving but does not get the same consistent cash flow as the mining industry did. Somepony thinks aloud that she's ugly within earshot of Succubus, causing her to get the most brilliant idea ever: traffic insecure threstral girls to her strip club back in Ponyville to build up their confidence and make money in order to solve both emotional and economic woes. This is despite one of them saying that this move will be thoroughly disliked by much of the community. I expect you, author, smart guy as you are, to have this come back and bite them later, hard.
Characters: To avoid overloading this section, I'll be focusing on just the most major characters who have been featured and done the most thus far. These are Pip, Succubus, Dark Bargain, and Prince Charming.
Themes: There is some very good thematic continuation from Pip's Treasure Chest, I am pleased to report. I like that this story is definitely 100% a sequel. You're not dangling shit off the ass of the last story -- it's all carried over and made brand new. Congrats on wrapping up the first story so well and now starting off this new story so fresh. The first theme you work with is the idea of love, especially with Succubus. The poor girl has to deal with a lot of competing loves. The first and strongest is her love for Pipsqueak. She loves that man possibly more than life itself, and understandably so it would seem. She and Pip interact and communicate very lovingly in the romantic way. Kissing, hugging, embracing, touching, caressing, boning, and so on. She also has a competing love for her family. She has missed her little sister very much; her brother, understandably, not so much. And now she's back with her lil sis, she has to decide what to do. She's happy to be back together again, but her sister doesn't want to go to Ponyville or have Pip around. Her sister, understandably, wants to just have her back and make everything "normal" again, including taking her back to the family manor. Succubus doesn't want that, of course, but her love for her sister is competing against her love for her husband. Pip is dealing with themes of sacrifice. He has been sacrificing this whole fic already. Supplanting his own emotional needs to take care of Succubus, reducing his sexual needs to tend to hers, denying his desires to go on the mission, selflessly denying his own wants to seperate from Succubus to go do something that is hopefully for the good of them both. I fully expect the strain to start showing on him soon; everything is asking a lot of him and everyone needs him for some thing or other. Sexual themes are present throughout. I expect both Succubus and Pip to deal with some temptation, given that they are apart, anxious, and haven't had space to bang in a while. The sexuality is handled expertly, like always. This is actually a believable and real sexual relationship and the kind I would expect two mature adults to have. One last theme I have noticed is the theme of family. The threstrals consider Succubus to be family and Pip to be an outsider. Pip considers Succubus to be family and does not consider other threstrals, even her relatives, as such. And she is caught between both. With her sister and brother and husband hanging in the balance, someone is going to have to make some very tough choices and sooner rather than later.
Pacing: The pacing is excellent. It's a substantial improvement over the lopsided pacing of Pip's Treasure Chest. I have to say that I now realize what was throwing it off: Succubus's impulsive tendencies as well as a pathological need to shove sexuality into the story. Now that sexuality has taken a backseat, and Succubus is a more mellow and established character, the story's pacing is far better. Nothing is rushing and nothing is dragging. Do be careful with the stripping idea this time around so it neither swallows your fic nor gets rammed through. I think it should reemain a secondary element to the unfolding intrigue and drama rather than being a main focus like in the original. Succubus already somehow found enough dancers despite being warned about the difficulty of the task in less than a whole chapter, and now she's on her way to getting them started at the club. I have no idea how long this fic is going to go, but I'd wager it'll be a roughly 60K word fic, and I'm veering more for beyond 60K words instead of it stopping short. I think you can safely make it to about 66K before the ideas start wearing thin. And the structure sees to this as well. We've clearly just seen the end of act 1. The eggs are in the scramble and the main conflict is due to break out right about now. I'd advise trying to get to act 3 by the 50K mark. Words in this fic are well distributed between chapters. You are doing a nice job of avoiding huge chapters as well as avoiding count creep. I could definitely learn from you in this regard.
Mechanics: Your mechanics are pretty good in general with no real pressing concerns, honestly. You avoid most mispellings and homophone errors. You don't get all your commas right, especially with dialogue and addresses, author. I'm willing to help with proofreading new chapters if you'd like.
Recommendations: I like this fic. It's different from Pip's Treasure Chest, which is a good thing. This sequel is a different story and that's a good thing. I have a few ideas for what can be done to help keep up the good ideas and avoid pitfalls. Play up the intrigue and drama; there wasn't enough of it delivered in the original, which is sad, because it was the most memorable part of that fic despite being a very brief segment. Use Pip's perspective as an outsider to give one perspective on threstral society, but then have another character, like Succubus, give another one. Let's see how they compare and contrast. Perhaps Pip can misunderstand things to varying degrees and take things the wrong way until he talks with her and then learns how it really is from their point of view. Push Pip to the limit and tempt him. He's been sacrificing all story long and is way out of his element; let's see what kind of man he is. Let's see Dark Bargain be the sociopathic shit we all know he is. Now, some things I think you ought to be wary of. Firstly, watch how many words you dedicate to stripping. You did it too much in the first one and it kinda took over like kudzu vines. Secondly, don't forget that with Succubus, damn near everything she does is a monkey wrench thrown into somebody's plans, so there should naturally be countermeasures, traps, and consequences. Don't waste much of the fear factor Prince Charming currently has by giving us too much exposure or insight regarding him until the very end. Right now, he is a near supernatural menace; let's keep him cloaked but have the treat of Dark Bargain getting quite a very bad headache over him. Lastly, don't forget that Succubus and her family members are all at odds; there are going to be winners, losers, and hurt feelings.
Conclusion: This is a better fic than Treasure Chest. The content is better written and handled better. This is a more engaging, more complex story. The characters are handled excellently and all have their own angles. You are getting the villain right by getting him going early but keepin him shrouded. I am enjoying this deeper look into Succubus's home society, an alien world to us and Pip. There is just the right infusion of sex to keep this all spicy, but the real star here is the unfolding narrative and the drama involving characters who are well written and interesting. The crafting of the pacing and mechanics has been handled superbly. I can't wait to see more of what you have in store.
There you go, one personal review, as promised, and also as promised, it's just over 3K words long. I hope you like it. If you would like a second review upon completion, just ask. Odds are I can find another 2K words to give once there's more content on hand.
8440099
A comment like this deserves a proper response, which I will give when I have the time. Also I am HOPING that the next chapter will be done next week
8440150
I'm looking forward to your response and the next chapter.
8440099
, and general other things of life.
Ok. Like you, work is a pain in my ass right now working almost 60 hours a week. I was finally able to catch up with some of my other favorite past times, like watching the latest episode of Atop the Forth Wall which was a MLP comic
First off, the summery was a bit off. I don't know if that was intentional or not, but it was state that they were being summoned there and that Dark Bargain would explain everything. Also, Dark Bargain loves Succubus and wants her to be happy in his own way. If he wanted they separated he could have easily done so in the previous story. He is a crafty pony, one whose overall motive won't be seen until the end. He will manipulate others to get what he wants...but there is some 'humanity' to him. This is what I believe makes real and interesting characters. Seeing how ones wants and desires interacts with emotions and bonds. It one of the reasons that shows like Yu Yu Hakisho and Naruto are my favorite animes of all time.
Now, on a different note, one of the reasons I haven't been updating this story as much is because its taking more out of me to write. One of the reasons I loved Pip's Treasure Chest was writing Succubus who, in my head, has the voice of Lime from Cyber Marrionate J. It was only in the previous chapter that I felt happy with writing this story because I felt like I was once again writing the character I loved so dearly. Now, I think it is obvious why I am writing her this way. That doesn't mean I'm thrilled about it. Thankfully there will be ups and downs to come with her that is making this story easier to write. That and Hunter's Catch is wrapping up soon as well
As for Prince Charming, while he will be more in the shadows for a while, that doesn't mean I'm done hinting at how his power works and the lengths he has gone to in order to get what he wants. I am considering NEVER giving his full history by the time this story is finished. All I can do is hopefully give enough info so the conclusion makes sense.
You are correct with the themes of sacrifice. Dark Bargain, we will find is making his own and Pip will have to make another big decision down the road regardless of what choice he makes. Lets just say that your future MILF comment may or may not hold some weight.
At the end, when this is over, I will be doing the other stories I have wanted to do and I will be thankful. While I love these characters, I do want to move on to my Sonata story and my Spike one. Both of these will be more story based as well as being dark. BUT, they will also continue my theme of making love work and getting to that emotional core that I adore. Its why I love porno's with plots compared to a composition.
No, but i fear it is very close to the truth
Someone needs to knock her out and drag her of to a kitchen soon, otherwise she won't survive for much longer.
You know, i am starting to think that the mare that disappeared in the previous story was a "test run" for Charming to test his power, and i am starting to think that he might not be a changeling... but if he truns out to be one i am totally saying "CALLED IT"
HA, nice
And i really hope you don't go down "that" road with the caribou
8263961
Maybe he sends her over to Ponyville, that could be fun
You know if i am right about Charming, then it most likely was a changeling.
I really hope you are telling the truth and did not have a hand in all of this Dark, i really really do
8461774
It would be a fitting punishment, live with Pip and Succubus and have Pip decide the rest of her punishment. It would be amusing to see Banshee try interacting with the other foals in Ponyville, even more so if Succubus explicitly forbids her from having dolls of any kind without Pip's expressed permission.
It would also be a nice excuse to show how Ponyville has changed from how it currently is in the series proper.
8461769
Actually the missing mare from Treasure Chest isn't one of Charming's victims. I was setting something up for a Spike, Ember, Sweetie Belle story that was supposed to be the next installment.
If the mayor and blacksmith of the town and his family eat like this, then something is very wrong here
And i still find it a little suspicious that the countess wants to talk to, i just can't think of a good enough reason for her to do that, his interactions with the family that is under suspicion is minimal at best, an argument could be made that Succubus might have told him something during their time together, but it still seems highly suspicious
And how is he supposed to do that huh?
He is surrounded by ponies he does not know, in a place he has never been with something obviously suspicious going on, and you are taking him somewhere, that apparently has predators that would probably enjoy a nice fresh meal of pony meat, oh and did i mention that he can't see anything and what he can hear, smell and feel is just making things worse.
So do explain to me Dragon Fang, how the hell is supposed to calm down ?
Hey, you're the one who did not give him the goggles to begin with, this one is on you
Things are about to get interesting
Well is suppose this place is perfect for you then Charming
I really hope Merry survives, i really do
Ohhh karma can not come down fast enough, or hard enough on this guy
Okay, is this guy's real name "Incubus"? i would not be suprised