Northern "North" Sky had survived a life threatening injury, but it sent him into a coma. Thousands of years passed before somepony found him in the ice. When he finally awoke, he brought only mystery and danger with him, and Equestria hangs in the balance of it all. Now it's up to North and his newfound allies to save their home, all while he struggles to build a new life.
Alternate Universe tag is mainly for the first chapter.
I would like to give credit to the guy who originally came up with the idea: JackRipper. He's an amazing writer, and he's gotten a couple of features. Go check him out!
So, as it turns out, this story has some similarities to the upcoming season 7 finale. Not sure how I feel about that...
Chapters (17)
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Thanks!
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This is what happens on days when I have too much free time. I have several days like that coming up.
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Glad to hear it! Guess that means I should keep typing.
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A bit of both. There's a general outline, but I'm figuring out how to piece it all together as I go.
8323433
I may just have to check that out.
Because you have requested constructive criticism, I will offer you some thoughts and advice:
This chapter in particular feels incredibly disjointed for two reasons. Firstly, the voice is inconsistent throughout the three scenes. In itself, this is not so much a problem; a voice may freely shift and change according to the needs of a story. However, the second section is particularly prosy and expository and has no apparent connection to the other two first-person scenes in which it is sandwiched. It may have been better to show the effects of the blast from afar from our protagonist's perspective, then later to uncover the black truth when he awakens from his slumber in the ice.
Secondly, the reader lacks context. Where is this taking place? What is around the protagonist? What is around Celestia and Luna? What are his motivations? We know that he is searching for something, but why does he care? And, therefore, why should we? All of these things are final causes that draw the reader in and draw him on. Without them, I must confess that I cannot empathize with him, nor care about his ice-nap.
As an adjunct to the above, some of the description that is present is rather abstract in character. For example:
"Faster than the speed of light" has a meaning in physics, not in a fantasy setting. Find another way to say this. "Overloaded their systems" has a similar problem; it is a colloquialism that we accept in the context of engineering and medicine, but it breaks the flow of thought. Better to simply say, "they were vaporized in an instant." That is short, punchy, and blunt and leaves no room for dispute. (Also, "alicorns" should be "the other alicorns" or simply "the others".)
I will look at your other chapters later when the opportunity arises.
Sincerely,
-Foxmane
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I was planning on rewriting it later on, and these are all great tips. I appreciate the help.
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They did, but they sent Twilight to retrieve the other two first.
Does Northern Sky sound like North from the movie North?
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I hadn't even realized that was a movie.
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Who else would I give the cliff hangers to? Not him, not yet...
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They did have two whole weeks before that, but I may still slow it down a bit. It does seem a bit too fast.
I'm thinking about dropping The Darkening Sky and adding to this one instead of writing a whole new story.
Edit: I dropped The Darkening Sky, and set this one back to 'incomplete.'
Haven't read the story (Yet) but I was wondering if someone...maybe even the show...
would feature somepony turned to stone (Cockatrice ?) who is then reanimated in the 'present'.
A Rip Van Winkle/Time Traveler story?
Twilight and Starlight then have to explain that though they could
return him/her to the past, they won't, because altering the past is never a good idea.
(In the latest TV episode, Starlight and Twilight declined to use Time Magic to fix Rarity's mane because of the unpredictable ramifications.)
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I could fit the concept behind this idea into my current story, if that's what you're looking for. Being from another time, North may still be looking for a way home.
i can ship it
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I'm glad you're enjoying it. I was afraid people wouldn't take to kindly to an OC ship like that...
HOW DARE YOU END ALMOST EVERY CHAPTER WITH A CLIFFHANGER
i litarly looked away from my screen, glance around my room for a full min, only then did i look back at my screen and think OF COURCE! ITS NOT LIKE I WANT TO KEEP THE NORTHLIGHT SHIP FROM SINKING!