- Member Since 13th Apr, 2017
- offline last seen 1 hour ago
NetherTempest
A man in the shadows who observes and favors great works
NetherTempest
Joined 13th Apr, 2017 ·
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Ok, this sounds interesting. The concept itself is very unique, you already get a point for being creative. This already looks like its gonna be a lot of fun to read so ill be keeping an eye on this.
Oh and just one small thing, Please dont go overboard with the body alteration ive seen so many authors fall in the trap of overdoing it to the point where it comes off more silly and distacting than erotic and sexy.
8813611
Thanks. It's my first time fully writing a story like this.
Oh, and you don't have to worry about the body alteration. Nothing totally crazy will happen.
8813617
Well so far your doing a pretty good job, specialy the way you described the girls leaving it to the reader to imagine how they look and not throwing their exact cup sizes into our face. (Seriously so many people make this mistake)
I always thought its a better option leaving it up to the reader to picture how the characters would look and just using generic terms like: big,large,huge, etc. that way everyone is happy and noone has a reason to complain.
Again, good job so far.
8813717
Yeah, I always had trouble imagining what the cup sizes actually were. H-Cup, E-Cup, I can't really picture that. An actual description seemed better and easier for me.
Thanks again. I'll try to progress this as soon as I can.
So when will everyone see some possession and body alteration?
8813812
That is a secret but it will be soon. I promise. ;)
8813812
Alright, look, listen to me, this is in its infant state, just give it time and let it bloom into a beautiful smut flower. No reason to rush things, the build-up is just as important as the pay-off.
Color me intrigued.
This is interesting for sure and I wonder where this will really go. I honestly think that even if he has to be intimate with the girls to free them, I think not all the girls after they are free will want to be with Spike. I always liked the idea even if he has to be with all the girls for their own good that wont all of a sudden make them all fall in love with him. Even more so when he will have the spirits there to keep him company lol. I can honestly see Rarity, Fluttershy, and Starlight being the ones to have a base closeted feelings for Spike that the spirits like to use on and it would make those girls being willing to stay or come visit that mansion afterwards far more likely. Not to mention it could have him being with them while the spirit is in them but the Spirit change and let the girls express themselves and confess their own feelings as they are having their own turn with Spike lol. I mean I think that would be too fun. Rarity get some kind of Spirit for the olden days all about the old 'Hollywood' kind of style and the two of them get along and help decorate and get the house all fixed up. Shy get a spirit that help her come a bit out of her shell and reveal her secret fetish for being a super sub and be dominated, like by a big strong dragon lol. And Star get one that plays off her need for control and things like that. I think this could be a interesting story even with it being a smut with some proper tlc.
8814446
You have some interesting ideas for the spirits but I can assure you each one has a unique kink and I have always thought each mare had hidden feelings for Spike. They just couldn't get past seeing him as a brother of sorts. Especially Twilight.
8814736
Really honestly I always find it hard to see him with Dash. I mean I don't think they have a single episode together interacting besides her being a flank towards him. I think she is someone who will need alot of work to make that work,but than again this isn't a romance story but a clop fic lol. AJ I do find it hard to see her with him. I mean besides the backrub thing she seem to treat him honestly more like someone in the way than all of the girls. Pinkie as well is kinda just Pinkie enough said I will never try to understand what is her motivation for anything lol. Twi I do agree with you there, they are dancing on a razor's edge of either being siblings or something more I always felt. But this is just my feelings on the girls and how I see them paired up with Spike, it is your story so I want to see the tale you tell.
This should be interesting and you said each spirit has a unique kink. Could you list them?
8816167
Some are more submissive while others are more dominant. Specific however are a secret. ;)
When should the next chapter be up?
8816524
Hopefully by sometime next week.
8816526
Thankyou for the answer and may I ask when we will be seeing the spirits?
8816760
They will make a brief appearance in the next chapter.
8816778
Okay thanks
It was a bright sunny mid-day in Ponyville, - bright, sunny
From their time in Canterlot, to the old Golden Oaks Library to their new Castle of Friendship. - , after Library
“I’ll get it Twilight.” Spike said rather quickly. Anything to get out of sorting countless books. - Nouns like pronouns need commas when directed at a person; so, I'll get it, Twilight. Also, Anything to get out of sorting books is a thought and staying in your chosen format, should be italicized.
Once he reached the foyer of the castle to the front door, - Get rid of the foyer of the caste or to the front door. You could also make it between the foyer of the castle and the front door Spike became curous.
he was happy to deal with them than handle one more book. - happier to deal with them
“Congratulations Spike Drake!” - “Congratulations, Spike Drake!”
you get your own luxurious place for whatever and do whatever you want. - This line doesn't make sense. you get your own luxurious place to do whatever you want with," is a possible fix.
“Regardless my young scaly friend - “Regardless, my young, scaly friend
“That’s just it Twi. - “That’s just it, Twi.
didn’t care that didn’t even - didn’t care that I didn’t even
a point but thought came to mind. - but a thought
“Tell you what Twilight - “Tell you what, Twilight
“Alright Spike. - “Alright, Spike.
Whether that he might get his own mansion or that he no longer had to work in the library, Twilight couldn’t tell. Maybe it was both. - Whether because he might get his own mansion or that he no longer had to work in the library, Twilight couldn’t tell, maybe it was both.
“That would Spike’s decision. - would be
“Thank you, Rarity.” - This is correct, and makes me happy
then it would quite a job to fix up - would be quite
“You’ve been saying for-” - “You’ve been saying that for-”
Okay, now that I got through all of those, there is one mistake you made grammatically every single time. You even have the perfect example to show with it, “Wait.” Spike interrupted. “There it is. I see a metal and stone fence and a large structure up ahead.” Spike pointed and the mares could see it as well. - You put a comma at the end of quotation marks when when expressing a characters actions that go with the quote, mostly commonly, said. This example doesn't use said, which is good, as it's not limited to it. “Wait,” Spike interrupted. “There it is. I see a metal and stone fence and a large structure up ahead.” (No comma here since this isn't referencing his action in speaking.) Spike pointed and the mares could see it as well.
Now mind you, this rule applies to every case of Spike said, Twilight said, so and so said. If the action refers to act of vocalizing it (said, interpreted, called, yelled, whispered) or an action accompanying or during this rule applies. You use it like this if it's before: Spike yelled, "A ghost!" If you use a question mark or exclamation mark you don't use a comma by the way " A ghost!" Spike screamed. This rule has a lot of finer points but as long as you get the basics the rest is easily forgivable.
To be honest, I feel like you do a great job at things I would consider more advanced while missing some of the most basic things. It's kind of an odd combination. You and the story seem to have a lot of promise, but you should really double check your work, maybe even triple, and find a good proofreader or editor who knows what they're doing to look over it and correct your mistakes or misunderstandings before it's posted. Trust me, having one or two knowledgeable proofreaders/editors is one of the greatest things that any author can get. The story has potential, you have potential; I'd like to see you achieve it.
8818082
I understand your feelings and thoughts. I appreciate the critique but as I mentioned this is my first time writing a legit story. I had a friend read it over but he didn't really mention and problems. I know there are some grammar issues but at least its nothing major.
I'll take your advice in reading over the next chapter a few times to make sure there aren't any problems.
8818539
It's fine that you make mistakes, but you should want to fix them, to improve. Your missing entire words or have sentences that don't make sense, and that is fairly major and very jarring. The point isn't to dissuade you, but to help you advance. Do as you wish, I really can't stop you one way or the other, but you should know that just because it's your first story doesn't mean that anyone should simply ignore the mistakes or avoid telling you them. It's your first story, what better time to begin improving and building yourself as an author.
8820904
Thank you, I understand. :)
Critique can really help.
Of course
I'm intrigued. I look forward to seeing how this goes.
This will be interesting to say the least. I honestly really want to know the backstory of the ghost. That is a big thing, I am hoping they all have a wide range of backgrounds and histories to them to make them all feel different. But the biggest thing I feel I would personally LOVE to see is if they all have DIFFERENT body types. I just mean if they all have that SAME tall busty with a super skinny waist it would be boring. Not all females look alike and very few have that body type. SO why is it every mare Spike knows and interact with live or dead would be like that as well. The girls have been set with their figures, but the ghost really haven't we could see a wide and diverse range of body types between them. And if they ARE from different areas it would only make sense they all would look different since different areas all have different standards of beauty. I think also a super major thing is Spike should be and really always be SUPER reluctant about doing anything with the body of his friends. When it is looked at and is really thought about he is in a really messed up way taking advantage of them when they can't consent to any of this. And he would know this and it would hit him really hard each and every time he is forced to do it. And by the end he should feel like shit for what he was forced to do.
He said swinging the golden key in his hand.
Are there’s others transformation beside body alteration?
8827491
My bad.
8827496
None that I have currently planned.
8827669
And that is?...
8827671
Sorry, it's a secret.
8827677
Alright
Interesting!
hmm *pulls out a old book* i think i seen her on here in this old records
I like the set up. Im hoping we get to learn more about the ghost and their mansion history. Also looking forward to how the posession is going to happen. Im hoping its more of the slow possrsion slowly effecting the girls. We getting interesting interection with the ghost. You can have it so the main 7 slowly do what the ghost did in life in their room and change them. This way the anticipation build and we can learn more about the ghosts with out it just being explained in a talk.
I like the set up. Im hoping we get to learn more about the ghost and their mansion history. Also looking forward to how the posession is going to happen. Im hoping its more of the slow possrsion slowly effecting the girls. We getting interesting interection with the ghost. You can have it so the main 7 slowly do what the ghost did in life in their room and change them. This way the anticipation build and we can learn more about the ghosts with out it just being explained in a talk.
8831049
Thanks and that is actually a very good suggestion.
8831078
If you like it then use it to your heats content. How you will arrange them in their rooms will be interesting and be a very creative undertaking if you wish.
The more i read this the more exciting it gets. I know i shouldnt hype myself up this much but i cant help it its so fascinating.
I can already picture who's gonna play what role once the ghosts get active.
I only have one concern about this: i hope the possession is not permanent, by that i mean once the ghosts had their fun they pass on and leave their "legacy" to the others.
8831049
For me its the opposite, they could get possessed quickly and still have the same results.
8838423
The possessions will not be permanent. I have something else in mind.
8838432
it may have the same result but may not of the same impact. through I much prefer a build up with exploration teasing character interaction. lately, I keep finding interesting stories that just go from point a to b in more ways than one.
8838434
Well now im just hyped more then i've already been.
8838492
I guess its fine either way. We have to see what the author cooks up.
8838550
ypu and im sure it will be good no matter what. i just hope that what ever is cooked up is strawberry flavor.
This is incorrect, it should be “We must have patience” or “ We must be patient”.
Btw, nice sex scene.
8850009
Thanks for both. :)
I think if you ask nicely she might let you have it
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