Tell Me A Lie

by rainbowdashxsoarin

I don't want to be a princess!

My name is Bella Rose. Daughter of Shining Armor and Princess Cadence. My cutie mark is a heart as a music note.
"Bella Rose! Time to get up!" My mother said coming in.
"Mom! I don't want to get up!"
"Tomorrow's your birthday!"
"I know." I said getting out of bed.
"Out I need to change." I said pushing her out the door and locking it. I got on my dress my mother laid out for me. A pink dress with a sparkle black belt. I put on my tiara. My mom came in and pretty much caked make up on my face. My mom had left. Just as soon as she left my dad came in.
"What?"
"Your mom said you were being stubborn this morning."
"No way! I just didn't get alot of sleep."
"Come down for breakfast." And I followed my dad downstairs.
I was set up a gormet buffet table. I grabbed some eggs and pancakes. At least one thing was normal. I eat my breakfast and quickly go outside. It felt good feeling the fresh air. "What are you doing out here?" My mother asked. "Today you meet another boy."
"Mom! I don't get it! Why can't I just find my own true love?"
"We're helping you."
"Fine mom."
I galloped inside and ran in my room. I put on my necklace. It was the only jewelry I actually cherised. It was my cutie mark. But instead it had a diamond right in the middle.
"He's here." My mother said to me.
"Okay." I said walking to the front entrance. There stood Blueblood.
"Mom!" I whisper yelled. "No way am I dating him!"
"Why not?"
"He only cares for himself!"
"Give him a chance!"
"Mom! Ever think of asking me?"
"Just go."
"Well hello Princess Bella Rose."
"Just call me Bella Rose."
"Okay Bella Rose. Where are we going?"
"Um just for a walk in the uh garden."
"Well okay let's go."
The guards opened the door and we headed towards the Garden. "So Blueblood. What do you like to do?"
"I love to.. AH!" He said crouching behind me. "Aw! It's just a little kitty!" I said rubbing the cat's fur. "It's gross!"
I rolled my eyes and we continued on. We past the beautiful roses as I picked one. He pointed his nose towards his suit as I groaned and put the rose in his suit. After a couple more incidents I was so mad. When he asked to go eat I finally bursted. "UGH!! I'm out of here!" I said stomping away. I sat in my bedroom. My mother came in. "Why did you do that!? He was our last hope!"
"Mom! He was... Horrible!"
"Well he was our last hope!"
"What if I want to find my own love?"
"Well a princess needs to work a bit faster!"
"I don't want to be a princess! I am tired of wearing dresses all the time and waking up early for some date my parents set up! I don't want my face to be caked with make up every morning! And I especially don't want to be babied all the time!" I said realizing my face was red. "I'm going to visit my aunt." I said ripping off my dress and galloping towards her castle. I walked towards her throne. "Guards please take a break." The guards went off to their break and she was smiling brightly. "Hi Bella! Haven't seen you in a while."
"Yeah I know. I need to talk to you about something."
"Sure. Anything."
"I don't want to be a princess anymore."
"What?"
"Yeah I said it. I am tired of being babied!"
"I'm so sorry I wish I could do something about it."
"It's fine. But what I really wish is my parents stop trying to get me to have dates with all these ponies that are not right for me. I want to find love on my own."
"That makes sense. I think you should stand up to your parents."
"Thanks!" I said hugging her. I galloped away towards my home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Her dad walked inside holding a puppy in his arms. "She's yours." He said handing her to Rose. "Oh thank you!" There was a silent pause
"Daddy, can I go into town, just for a bit? I want to meet regular ponies, not all these snobby princes that mom keeps showing up with." She gave him a pleading look and her newly aquired puppy barked playfully. "I could meet up with aunt Twily and say hi, I'm sure that she'd love it.

Shining Armor gave a small smile at the sound of her sister's name and patted Bella on the back. "Of course you can. Make sure you come back before dark tough. I don't want to have to send a guard for you." He scooted her towards the door and let her walk down the stairs. A moment passed and Cadence walked in.

"You spoil her too much, you know that?" She looked down the hall where their daughter ran off.

"Yes, I know, but she deserves a bit of a break. Besides, she doesn't like any of the princes you've shown her, so maybe she should look on her own."

"But what if she finds a pony that's terrible. She might find a crook, or a delinquent, or somepony else that could make her miserable." tears formed in her eyes as she thought of the things that could happen to her daughter.

"Relax, it's only Ponyville, what could possibly happen?"

Meanwhile...

The train stopped at Ponyville. She swayed her pink mane inside the train door. She stuck her white headand felt the wind against her face. She trotted into town looking for Twilight's library. She stopped at a sign.It read:

Twilight Sparkle's Library ---->

She knocked on the door. "Hi welcome to- Do I know you?" She asked cocking her lavender head. "Y-yes. Aunt Twilight. It's me, Bella Rose. Your neice." The purple unicorn's face lit up. "Bella! I can't believe you're here! I haven't seen you since you were just a little filly. Come inside. You can meet my friends." The pink maned pony walked into the library. She was delighted by all of the books. A-Z everything had to be there. ""Aunt Twilight... Do you spend all day in here!? It's amazing." She dazed at all the books. "Just call me Twilight. And not all the time you have to have friends."

She then heard several voices in the back room. "Who was at the door?" She then heard a chorus oh 'yeahs'. She then followed Twilight into the back room only to discover she would find the best friends she could ever want.

Comments

[oijsdfgwegw]

2012Sorching summer comes, in order to thank everyone, characteristic, novel style, varieties, low price and good quality, and the low sale price. Thank everyone

==== ( http://www.fullmalls.com ) =====

==== ( http://www.fullmalls.com ) =====

$33 True Religion jeans, Ed Hardy jeans,LV,Coogi jeans,Affliction jeans

$30 Air Jordan shoes,Shox shoes,Gucci,LV shoes

50%Discount winter fashion :Sandle,t-shirt,caps,jerseys,handbag and brand watches!!!

$15 Ed Hardy ,LV ,Gucci Bikini

$15 Polo, Ed Hardy, Gucci, LV, Lacoste T-shirts

$25 Coach,Gucci,LV,Prada,Juicy,Chanel handbag,

$10 Gucci,Ed Hardy sunglasses

$9 New Era caps.

give you the unexpected harvest

==== ( http://www.fullmalls.com ) =====

==== ( http://www.fullmalls.com ) =====

==== ( http://www.fullmalls.com ) =====

==== ( http://www.fullmalls.com ) =====

==== ( http://www.scnshop.com ) =====

[Denu8thell]

1009894 :/ NO

Anyways, Your story is all right, but there is too much dialogue and not enough action or description. At least, that's how I feel about it. For instance, how did her aunt's castle look?

Also, formatting is a bit off on this story. Each new person speaking, a new paragraph. You have it down MOST of the time, but sometimes I see two people talking on the same line! Also, make sure your indenting. a paragraph should look kinda like this:

I AM GOING TO SPAM TO SHOW THIS ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
^
| See that little space to the left of the first line? It's important, believe it or not! Use the 'tab' key each time you use a new paragraph, but NOT for each line.

Also, remember to use commas! They are useful when you want to show that a character is pausing in their speech, but they have not finished their thought yet!

[VDtheBrony]

Ok, there are a few major problems with this fic. The first and most obvious is the dialogue dominating the story. I had a problem like that in middle school during sixth grade, and my creative writing sucked (thankfully that was before I wrote MLP, as I'm in high school now), but if you read a lot and practice your story fluency will get much better and more acclaimed as a good read. It will also add to your word count dramatically, and people like longer stories.
When writing a story, write stuff like:
"Daddy, can I go into town, just for a bit? I want to meet regular ponies, not all these snobby princes that mom keeps showing up with." She gave him a pleading look and her newly aquired puppy barked playfully. "I could meet up with aunt Twily and say hi, I'm sure that she'd love it.
Shining Armor gave a small smile at the sound of her sister's name and patted Bella on the back. "Of course you can. Make sure you come back before dark tough. I don't want to have to send a guard for you." He scooted her towards the door and let her walk down the stairs. A moment passed and Cadence walked in.
"You spoil her too much, you know that?" She looked down the hall where their daughter ran off.
"Yes, I know, but she deserves a bit of a break. Besides, she doesn't like any of the princes you've shown her, so maybe she should look on her own."
"But what if she finds a pony that's terrible. She might find a crook, or a delinquent, or somepony else that could make her miserable." tears formed in her eyes as she thought of the things that could happen to her daughter.
"Relax, it's only Ponyville, what could possibly happen?"
Meanwhile...
The train stopped at Ponyville...

...And so on. With even a little bit of details outside of dialogue there is plenty more to read, and it builds to the story a lot. You should split scenes so that they don't have just dialogue, but dialogue is still needed in almost any story.
In the first chapters, you also need to add character development. This will be relevant whenever you introduce a new character into the story. Characters can be built out of dialogue, but if they say the wrong thing even once Then he/she will look like a horrible idiot. Detail how they walk, maybe they'll walk a little flirty, or down and slow like they're lazy, but without the details they will look horribly boring and the reader will hate it (yes, writing is complicated isn't it?). With the characterization of your OC, bella, all we could discern was she was a stubborn brat, and Cadence was a stuck up jerk of a mom; in my alteration of this Cadence actually a caring, decent mother, which is what she should be. The characters may already have development from the show, so build on those characterizations.
Also make sure to check your grammar. Its already been said, but each change in dialogue needs a new paragragh.

This is all I can say right now. I will give this a thumbs down now, but I will watch this and if it gets better I will change that down to an up. Good luck and happy writing!

Edit: also, Pinkie is not a horse, she is a Pony. In Equestria those are two entirely different things.
And if this is a troll fic it is a very poor one.

[dance_chick_3]

Not to be mean or anything, but the story is all over the place. How did she get to ponyville so fast? and USE SOME COMMAS! no offense, but yeah.

[rainbowdashxsoarin]

I know it sucks but im just going into sixth and I used the stuff that other people do so dont hate!

[Brony of Truth]

I gave your story a chance because I love your account name
But I do have the same criticism as everyone else to much dialogue and the story is all over the place, it just isn't flowing, but don't give up. Read a couple of books and see how a story should progress you'll get it eventually, I know you will!

[VDtheBrony]

1019127 only sixth, well, you had a decent story idea and all, but if you read my last comment it gives a few decent suggestions. I'm only starting high school, but I've had a few years to practice my creative writing. If you want to see my story you could always check my page, or search Shadows and Stars (views are always nice) and reading different stories are always good.

[insightguy]

has potential.... will track.