After getting stranded in Ponyville from a heavy snowstorm, Rainbow Dash and Soarin stay at Dash's house. Will there be a happy Hearth's Warming for all?
Chapters will be posted each day until Hearth's Warming. Stay tuned!!
Edits Done By Qibli2
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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9326751
Thank you for your review!! I'll definitely try to spot a few of those minor errors next time.
mach bitte weiter
tolle geschichte
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liebe es!!!!!!!!!!!!1
9330342
Danke für deinen Kommentar!!
Ps. Sorry, wenn der Deutsche schlecht ist, habe ich Google Translate verwendet.
Why are o’s and f’s blacked out in the letter?
12:15 AM? That means it happened at midnight, 12:15 PM means it happened at noon.
What happned to everypony being snowed in?
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9338770
1. I don't know.
2. I'll fix that mistake, thanks.
3. The snow was removed, the ice is the problem. I did reference the snow but not often for fear of being repetitive.
Thank you for your feedback!!
Screaming, you speilled it wrong.
9340387
I spelled screaming wrong where? Also, you spelled "spelled" wrong.
9340708
I promise I’m a worthy editor
Here
9340829
Thank you for telling me, I corrected it. I'd appreciate you editing my story!!
9341406
I would, but I’d need a story to edit...
9341518
You can edit this one.
The paragraph shouldn’t end here, I don’t think...
The bolds are a few corrections I noticed. I think it would be easier if you pmed the story to me.
Since I don’t really have a better method right now. Here’s a few mistakes, I’d suggest to change the order of a few words (ie. Pinkie said on his back to On his back, Pinkie said)
I literally just finished editing this, whelp...
Not on the Docs because this updated at 11:00 PM for me, and it’s currently 4:19 AM anyways... so, that’s why
I loved the fourth wall gag at the end, also, here’s a few mistakes.
Oof, ran out of color, this will be spilt into two comments
There’ a grammar mistake in this chapter title, it should be The Last Finishing Touch, There, Perfect
(Love this paragraph!)
(And one sentence? What? Did you mean in?)
The trend I’m noticing with most of your chapters is the fact that you use short, choppy sentences for paragraphs. Try to make it a bit more coherent by splitting the sentences up with commas instead of periods, compare these sentences:
Pinkie Pie hopped along the street. She was happy for a new day in Ponyville.
OR
Pinkie Pie hopped along the street, she was happy for a new day in Ponyville.
Perhaps it’s not the best example, as it works both ways, but see how the bottom one flows better? That’s what I want you to do a bit more.
*This is all constructive criticism, no offense meant to this story or its creator
9356806
Okay, I'll try to fix sentence structure for better sentences. The only reason they're like that is because I'm trying to not have run-on sentences but I didn't know that there was such a thing as having choppy sentences.
By the way, have you been editing in the document because if you have, it isn't registering? What I mean by that is that when I check to see edits that were made, only my edits (me putting the story in the document) are showing up. The only reason I ask this is because I'm planning on copy and pasting the edited version into here so I wanted to check if you were editing on the document.
Thank you for editing my story and I'm not offended!! If anything, I'm grateful that you told me how to fix my story so when I make another story, it doesn't have these mistakes.
9357009
I haven’t been checking the document, it is updating though, but the problem that appears to be here is timezones. When you upload a chapter, it’s 11:00 PM for me. However, I can edit on the document, if you’re alright with a bit of a delayed response.
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I'm okay with a delayed response. I'm in central time so when I upload a chapter it's 10:00 P.M. for me. That's why in certain time zones it says the day I upload is different. It'll be easier for me to correct my mistakes if you edit the document. It's updated as often as possible and I've put the outline feature in so you can easily find each chapter.
I edited this one on the Docs, and yes you did fix several errors involving sentences, great job!
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Yay, thank you!!
Docs won’t work, so here’s some normal edits.
Editing here again because I’m not sure if you’d check the Docs again
I tend to rate stories, to help you improve, so I’ll do that.
This story is OK, it had a great concept, but the execution could’ve been better. While you do need an editor (no offense), you fixed a lot of your grammatical mistakes halfway through the story. The romance was developed a bit quickly, though I do like the ship. I’ll cite Lost Muse (OC x OC) as an example of what I think romance done right is. (Note, just my opinion, you might think differently, I respect that.)
Some parts were genuinely funny, humor is always welcome. Also, there was some confusion there, like what was Discord doing in one chapter? Although I do like Discord, he usually comes when his presence is requested or needed, not on his own merit. (Save for his tea parties with Fluttershy.)
Overall, I give this a 2.8/5
Pros:
-Cute
-Funny in certain parts
-Characters are not OOC
Cons:
-Ship developed too quickly
-Minor grammatical errors, mainly before I started editing, because I didn’t edit the first few chapters.
-Slightly confusing at certain parts.
Hope this helps
-Qibli2
Okay, the pacing is a little fast. Also, since when did the friendship castle get a guard?
Hmm, I think Dash and Soarin making cards together needed more focus, but okay.
Ice cream sandwiches? In the middle of a snowstorm? I mean, I've eaten cold stuff in cold weather before but not that cold.
Ponyville has a ski resort?
I thought this had building a rocket or fighting a mummy or climbing up the Eiffel tower. Discovering something that doesn’t exist or giving a monkey a shower. Surfing tidal waves, creating nanobots or Locating frankenstein’s brain. Finding a dodo bird, painting a continent or driving your Spitfire insane “Rainbow!” (Curse you, countless number of p and f memes)
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Because it says 25 days, and the phineas and ferb theme starts with there’s a 104 days of summer vacation But I hope you add the insanity, brother busting and secret agent perry the platypuses/platypi/platypeople. But a secret agent Tank will do!