Rainbow Dash's favorite color is blue. But the reason for her favorite color is surprisingly pink.
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Ponyman
Joined 11th Jul, 2011 ·
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I told you it was Pegasus, not pegasi
Other than that, love it. you should write more shorts.
Great story! Perfectly sweet and short
This was such a sweet treat to start my day with; I loved all the reasoning behind Rainbow Dash's favorite color as it progressed to the end.
1044916 I like shorts! They are comfortable and easy to wear!
1046776
And you can write them aswell! imagine that!
Well, that was cute.
The dialogue was really good. Pinkie Pie was totally in character, as was Rainbow Dash. So, it's kind of strange that your first-person segment is so out-of-character. I doubt that Rainbow Dash would use phrases like "such as myself," "oddly enough," or "dominate and control." It's like you're mixing your own narrative voice into Rainbow Dash's perspective.
Also, the pacing is really off. For example, why do you need to go over all the things Pinkie Pie can do? Everyone already knows that she can warp reality and run really fast and eat lots of sugar without gaining weight, and reading all that stuff is just an exercise in tedium. Write about interesting things! Like the contest Pinkie Pie had to win in order to get the tickets! Or the wanton property damage! Or the Wonderbolts try-out itself! That last one is an especially large missed-opportunity. I mean, just think about all the details you could've put in. How many different trials were there? Was Rainbow Dash feeling nervous? Were any of the actual Wonderbolts watching? Was Rainbow Dash competing against returning Wonderbolts? Was Pinkie Pie cheering for Rainbow Dash? If she was, did she succeed in boosting RD's confidence, or was it a distracting hindrance? There's a whole world of exciting stuff that you could've thrown into this story.
Another pacing-related issue is the way your dialogue is broken up. It seems like every sentence the characters say is split apart by unnecessary actions and exposition. I found myself skimming entire paragraphs just so I could keep track of who says what, and why they're talking.
But the biggest problem has nothing to do with pacing. No, the biggest problem is that this fic suffers from a lot of the same errors as Daring Do & the Power of the Goddess. You remembered to completely outline this fic before you started writing, right? Because this doesn't really feel like a true story. The conflict takes a back-seat to boring, out-of-nowhere exposition, and the climax is practically nonexistent.
But, on the whole, you're improving. Next time you want to write something, make sure you plan the story out completely, and it should be worlds better.
1047728 *as well
Yeah, that's true! *Goes to write a terrible one-shot* How did I do?
Awww, much much love for this one. Sweet and suggestive and genuine!
1046776
Get your pokemon out of my ponies!
1047803
Speaking of Daring Do, when are you going to give it a once over again?
1051042
I just did. Check it out.
Well, I'm going to assume that your favorite pairing is Pinkie Dash. Honestly, not a bad pairing when played off well, and this story was, indeed, played off well.
The dialogue was very strong, in character, and encouraging to see from a writer. Your use of descriptive language was well done as well. One thing I would have liked to see to expand the story, perhaps, is what exactly Pinkie did for a contest. Remember, Earth ponies can't float on clouds, so how exactly did Pinkie watch the competition? One line I might use, which you may take or leave, is that Pinkie may or may not have intentionally destroyed her flying machine just so she could spend that quality time with Dash.
I'm not exactly sure what this relationship is supposed to be. I got the sense from the kiss on the nose that perhaps it was just a deep friendship, but later in the story, the deeper kiss tells me "OH SHIT BITCH THEY DATING!!!" But was this supposed to be their first kiss? I think it would have been nice to put a little more description behind the kiss, supposing it was their first. I did like the recurring theme of blue, and the opening paragraph to set that up was very nice.
All in all, another great short story with a great premise. I recommend making a collection of these cute short stories and releasing each individual story as chapters. You might have more success that way. Multi-chapter works will usually be a little more successful than one shots, but having multiple one shots in one story is a great idea.
I'd like to see you experiment with the internal dialogue a bit more. WHat are these characters thinking throughout the story, other than she loves blue? It seems to be hinted at, which, if that's not what you were going for, needs to be tremendously brought out in order to enhance the overall effect of this story.
Overall rating: 8.5/10
Not as strong as "Fly me to the moon", but still cute, fluffy, and awesome.
Trey
Great Story!
Rainbow Pie (Or) Pinkie Dash