Four and Two: Portents
“Our purpose here was actually to do a simple reconnaissance, to remain unseen and not undertake any sort of sabotage,” the zebra told them as they walked. It turned out that zebra burial rites were identical to those of ponies, although them having been soldiers meant that their arms and armor were to be used as their grave markers. Just as with her own cloak, the mare smashed the enchanted jewels beyond repair before draping them over the artfully-piled accruements and pinning them in place with each fallen soldier’s combat blade.
“What changed then?” Verde inquired.
“The praetus arrived with new instructions for us,” she replied. “We’d heard vague rumblings of a turnaround at Colthav and the disaster around Stalliongrad but we’ve been in-country for weeks and news was very sparse.”
“You’ve been skulking around the Barrens for weeks without being seen?” Astra looked and sounded impressed.
The zebra laughed lightly. “Don’t be overawed by the achievement. It’s not hard to survey a place where everyone smiles at you and enthusiastically suggests their favorite bit of scenery.”
“Hid in plain sight?”
“And it was so easy, a foal with half a brain could do it.” The zebra confirmed. “The Ministry of Morale does not exist here by decree of Queen Chrysalis and because the Ministry of Morale exists everywhere else, Her Highness’ subjects are very used to strange zebras.”
“I don’t know about that,” Astra commented. “You’re very pony to me.”
The comment earned her an odd look. “Is that meant as a compliment?”
“From her, it is,” Verde told her.
“Then thank you,” she smiled slightly. “But by ‘strange’, I simply meant zebras that aren’t well-known to them. But although easy, almost a vacation, the task has its challenges. As you might have noticed, my fellows have… er, had strong feelings on the subject of Nightmare Moon and a willingness to voice these feelings. There’ve been many close calls these last two months when some of our party drank too much excellent wine and spoke too freely. Nothing about our purpose—too much discipline, even drunk—but a bit too much about Nightmare.”
“Nightmare? Not the nightmare?”
“Nyx Sparkle isn’t a bad dream,” she replied dryly. “She’s a pony, with a mother named Twilight Sparkle.”
All three of them halted and turned to look at her with various degrees of surprise, causing the zebra to grin a little. “I told you, the mission of I and my companions was to gather intelligence. Why are you so surprised that I’d know who Nightmare Moon’s mother is?”
“Because it means that you’re the first non-Equestrian zebra we’ve met who isn’t completely insane!” Astra exclaimed. “You referred to her by name! You acknowledged that she has a mother! This is huge!”
The zebra frowned heavily at this, although the expression was more disturbed and pensive than angry. “It’s… rare for my people to acknowledge Nightmare Moon’s given name?”
Verde stared at her. “How can you not know that?”
“I… um,” the zebra sort of shrank a little, biting her lip, “avoid discussing the matter with my peers and they don’t talk about it amongst themselves. The nightmare may be drawn by the speaking of her name and they fear that.”
“What about you?” Chrysalis asked. “Why do you avoid discussing it with your peers?”
“I would be a heretic,” she responded quietly. “I would be right, for Princess Nyx Sparkle is no force of evil, but I would also be a heretic. The tradition of the malevolent stars is ancient, going back to a time before there were Princesses to raise and lower the Great Lights, and to doubt is anathema.”
“Why do you?”
“Because when I was a young filly, before the war, Nightmare visited my village. She wanted to meet the extended family of a zebra friend of the family, and so I got to see her with my own eyes.” She smiled. “She was… cool. Just as comfortable playing tag with children as enjoying some intellectual sparring with adults and I still remember being in awe at how smart she was.”
“She gets it from her mother.” Chrysalis smiled broadly. “Never met a more intelligent pony in my long life.”
“I’ve heard that she’s quite unique,” the zebra agreed. “Youngest child of Dusk Shine and Orion, older brother is the Captain of the Royal Guard, soon to retire. She’s unmarried, one child, close maternal-esque relationship with a young adult dragon named ‘Spike’ who’s her closest companion and assistant. Sixty-three years of age, no medical complaints, no signs of age-related dementia and it’s theorized that she has too strong of magical reserves to be at risk for a wasting disorder of that nature. Magical reserves are too plentiful to be accurately charted, ninety-ninth plus nine percentile intellect, known for a comprehensive grasp of all major and minor branches of unicorn spellcraft, insatiably intellectually curious and one report claims that she has such an advanced spell mimicry ability that she can cast any spell that’s cast in her presence even if she was not previously aware of that spell’s existence. The personal student, ward, and protégé of Princess Celestia; former minister-without-portfolio for the south-southeast province of Equestria encompassing the Everfree Forest, Night Palace, and the town of Ponyville; current Mare of the Ministry of Arcane Sciences.” She paused in her smooth, almost monotone, recitation and smiled a little. “Deeply devoted mother and beloved friend of the other five Ministry Mares, Bearer of the Element of Magic, classified into the so-called ‘Second Triumvirate’ encompassing the Mares of the three most powerful wartime Ministries.”
Verde couldn’t stop her jaw from dropping as the mare casually recited what sounded like the summary page of a vastly more comprehensive intelligence file. “Do you have those for… every pony of significance?”
“Just about,” she chuckled. “The files are our lifeblood, as important as eating and breathing, and so we’re supposed to memorize them. The one on Twilight Sparkle is especially large because of the policy of the Praetorium towards her: conduct ongoing comprehensive research on Mare Sparkle but under no circumstances is she to be targeted for assassination.”
“But the others Mares are?”
“Except for Mare Fluttershy, yes,” she nodded. “None of us know why the Praetorium is protecting Sparkle but it’s obvious why Fluttershy is off limits.”
“It is,” Verde acknowledged, almost smirking at the absurdity of anyone regarding the famously shy and kindly Mare as a threat. “I don’t mean to discourage your very helpful and chatty disposition but why are you telling us all this? You must know that the moment we have a chance, we’re going to pass all the juicy tidbits up the line.”
“I’m tired,” she replied. “I’ve been fighting these battles for the last nine years and in all that time, I’ve rarely seen home or loved ones. I could wall it off before I was assigned to infiltrate the Barrens and conduct a survey and intelligence assessment but now…” She sighed. “The Barrens are so much like home that it’s almost physically painful. Strangers are treated with basic decency and warmth. The prickly pear wine is sweet and tart in just the right way. Old stallions sit on porches in cool evenings, talking about anything and everything and nothing. The beaches are peaceful and when I walk out a little ways, I can find a welcoming stillness that washes all the troubles away in the profound silence.
“I ache for the love and safety of home, family, and familiarity; it’s a hunger you can feel in your soul. Yet here I am, fighting a war against ponies I do not hate to hurt a Princess I regard with warmth and fondness and the only way it’s going to end is a beautiful land, perhaps two, scoured by balefire. I volunteered to be your prisoner because my experience leads me to believe that Equestria holds the key to saving both zebra and pony and if I can put the tools in your hooves to do just that, I intend to.” She paused and gave Chrysalis a shy smile. “And when this is all over, I’d be honored if Queen Chrysalis would let a washed-up old zebra veteran start a family in her kingdom.”
“I’d be delighted to have you,” Chrysalis assured her with a smile. “Does your request come with a name?”
“Zaelkyra,” the mare responded. “I’m sure you’ve heard of my aunt, Zecora, although what I hear is that she isn’t very well-loved among Equestrians right now.”
“Yup,” Verde agreed with a touch of cheerfulness. “Arch traitor and all that. Stole the designs for an anti-machine rifle and gave it to the zebras. Got spirited away by other traitors at the last moment and returned to Zebrina a hero. Granted, she’s not actually a traitor, she was given those designs because they provided no tactical advantage, and she’s actually a brilliant spy but all the rest is totally true.”
Zaelkyra smirked. “Yes, Aunt Zecora told us. You can tell Mare Dash that the cover was perfect, by the way, but there’s no fooling family that knows you well.”
“She wasn’t supposed to do that,” Verde frowned. “The more that know…”
“…the more that can accidentally say something.” Zaelkyra nodded. “But we knew without being told, so being told changed nothing. Fear naught, there’s no more chance of us accidentally revealing her to the Praetors than there is of you accidentally hoofing your companion over to the Ministry of Morale for interrogation.”
Verde and Astra winced simultaneously. “Don’t even joke about something like that,” Astra told her with a shudder. “There’s a damn good reason most zebra citizens are sequestering themselves or fleeing to the Barrens. The only reason dear old Dad isn’t is that he’s got a sister in law…” Astra realized what she was revealing and stopped abruptly but she’d already said too much based on the suddenly thoughtful expression on Zaelkyra’s face.
“Which means your aunt has enough power in the Ministry to make it buck off.” She frowned. “That’s not possible; the Ministry has a reputation for being utterly implacable.” A paused. “Actually, it’s not impossible but if true, it means that your aunt is either Mare Pie—whom, last we checked, has no family married to a zebra—or…”
She facehoofed and spat an imprecation in Zebrish. “No wonder the praetus wanted to get her hooves on you! You’re a relation of the aster-damned Undermare of Morale!”
“I doubt she knew that,” Verde pointed out. “Most friends of the family aren’t aware that Viridian Rain has a zebra-looking niece.”
“I wouldn’t be too sure. I don’t know specifics but the Praetorium has developed an extremely good source in Manehattan where the biggest hub of your Ministry of Morale is located,” Zaelkyra replied. “They’ve become convinced that the Undermare of Morale is the true power behind the throne, so to speak, of the Ministry. They’re further convinced that she’s the one in control, not Pinkie Pie.”
“That’s a load of ponypies!” Astra growled. “Aunt Viridian has nothing to do with Mare Pie’s mad policies. Sure, it’s her ambition to get rid of Pinkie Pie somehow so she can stop with the rip-memories-from-heads stuff but for now, the only thing she controls is Grey Brigade.”
Zael gaped at her. “She has her own black ops unit?”
“She does,” Verde confirmed. “Started by her daughter, her niece, and a soldier colt named Pale Ribbons. It’s been a fairly successful venture so far and as Pale puts it, it’s bucking nice to do some good instead of just doing what the Ministry wants.”
“Mutually exclusive?”
“Increasingly, yes.”
Zael looked steadily at her before sighing. “Right now, I’m drinking in the bitter irony of Equestria destroying itself while its military commanders win the war.”
“As much as the Ministry of Morale causes problems…”
“I’m not just talking about them,” the zebra interrupted. “Elements of the Ministry of Wartime Technology tried to murder Mare Applejack. We wouldn’t have megaspells without the helpful assistance of the Ministry of Peace and Mare Fluttershy just hoofing over her Ministry’s research. And there’s something… wrong about Stable-Tec.”
“Wrong how?” Chrysalis inquired, glancing back over her shoulder. “And I think we need a place to set up camp soon. I don’t think any of us are exactly exhausted but I’m sure that when we get to the Hive, we’ll want to well-rested and sharp.”
“We don’t exactly have the supplies for much in the way of a camp, Chrysalis,” Verde pointed out.
“All we need is two sleeping pads and an autonomous soundproofing bubble spell,” she replied, glancing between Astra and Verde with a grin. “You know, just in case.”
Verde felt her cheeks get warm. “I don’t think the bubble would be necessary, Your Majesty.”
“It’s better than giving the two of you a kick if you get too enthusiastic,” the changeling queen grinned wider now, making her delicate fangs stand out.
Zaelkyra looked between the grinning Chrysalis and the blushing Astra and Verde. “Dare I ask?”
“It’d be great if you didn’t.”
The zebra thought about this for a moment. “Then I won’t. To answer your question about Stable-Tec, Queen Chrysalis, when a construction company puts one set of blueprints on file for public examination and sends a slightly different set to the construction site, there’s something off.”
Verde’s ears perked at that. “Are you certain?”
“I’ve seen the two myself,” she replied. “Both sets have an architect stamp from President Apple Bloom and an engineer stamp from President Scootaloo but they’re not identical. Very, very subtle differences, the hallmark of a very intelligent designer hiding his work. But there’s no way to know when they were altered, why they were altered, and who altered them; all we know is that the alterations were approved, assuming that they were even noticed.”
Her brow furrowed. “So some of the Stables could be dangerous?”
“In the way your gun is,” Zael replied. “The changes make it possible to seriously endanger ponies but whether the danger is realized is entirely in pony hooves.”
“Granted, but it doesn’t feel like a coincidence that both you and that Royal Guard mentioned that Stable-Tec is a concern.”
“Royal Guard?”
“Yeah,” Astra jumped in. “Pegasus mare, dark coloration, nice as hay. We think she’s one of Princess Luna’s personal guards because we’ve never seen any of Celestia’s laugh and smile and be friendly.”
“Are you sure she wasn’t Luna’s twin sister in disguise?” Zaelkyra inquired, smiling. “It’d be very much in keeping with Nyx’ sense of humor to pretend to be a Royal Guard just so she could surprise ponies with a Guard who’s very normal and approachable instead of a damn statue.”
“It would explain all of her unusual quirks,” Chrysalis commented thoughtfully, pulling a very neatly folded and magically-compressed ground cloth out of an internal pocket of her robes, which seemed to double as a saddlebag. “Taking implied criticism of the Thrones so personally, apparently acting as Luna’s doppelganger to give her time to enjoy the night skies, her sense of childlike wonder at seeing something new like Mount Lepi, and especially the way she just stood their with utter calm and confidence when Captain Droso’s detachment had guns pointed at you.
“Then again, Nyx is known for her gift for creating golems out of the substance of her magic that carry a fragment of her soul and a duplicate of her mind and personality. Night could just as easily be one of those golems and her confidence that she could make the transmission towers in the clouds work comes from the fact that Nyx could and, being a semi-living extension of Nyx, Nyx knows everything that she does.”
Verde nodded. “Either one would explain why she was so considerate. Taking the time to talk about home, family, hobbies, and life… brewing some of that wonderful ‘ambrosia’ tea out of sheer niceness… frankly, I’m surprised I didn’t leap to that conclusion immediately.”
“Even when you know that two of the Princesses are inclined to mix casually and easily with common ponies, it’s hard to imagine that you might be the common pony they’re mingling with,” Chrysalis smiled as she unfolded the ground cloth into two, levitating a section over to Zael and to Verde and Astra.
“Thanks, Chrysalis.” Verde spread the cloth out then pulled a sleeping pad, magically compressed like the ground cloth, from her saddlebag and unrolled it, letting it expand into a one-and-a-half pad that would very comfortably fit a couple snuggled up together. “Are you not planning to sleep?”
Chrysalis laughed. “Commander Tin, I’m a changeling. Gritty, sandy ground over hardbaked soil may be painful for a pony...” With a greenish glow from her horn, the changeling’s form flowed outwards and upwards and in moments, where a changeling had once stood, there was a black-scaled dragoness about twice the size of a pony. She was much more slender than an ordinary dragon, more lithe and almost feline than exuding the sense of overwhelming size and presence that dragons ordinarily did. Chrysalis craned her neck around and smiled, her eyes and mane the same but now decorating a slim and graceful draconic head instead of a distinctly equine one. “…but it’s quite nice for a dragon,” she finished, her voice acquiring a slightly husky purring quality. “It makes it wonderfully easy to go on vacation when I can just pick a clear spot of ground and sleep comfortably.”
“…you can transform yourself into a dragon at will.” Zaelkyra said, in a very waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop tone of voice. “Is this something all changelings can do?”
“A few,” Chrysalis replied, curling up so her chin was resting on her tail facing the zebra, looking very comfortable. “But it doesn’t make us dragons, it gives us the physical shapes of dragons. I can no more fly or breathe fire in this form than I can reorder reality at will, even though it’s technically possible for this body to do both.”
“Ah,” Zael replied, looking faintly relieved.
Chrysalis laughed softly again at the zebra’s evident relief. “Come now, Zaelkyra… if changelings could become dragons at will, this war wouldn’t have lasted nearly this long. The only reason shifting among pony shapes doesn’t impair us is that we’re quite pony-like.”
“I’m impressed, Your Majesty,” Verde offered as she lay down and slipped her forelegs comfortably around Astra as the zebra-looking mare cuddled up lightly to her. “Not only are all the details right, you made significant variations.”
“Form reflects function reflects self,” Chrysalis replied, followed by a wide-mouthed and very toothy yawn. “Brute power was my way but once and I learned a painful lesson by it. So, without me consciously choosing it, I’m a lithe dragon with a light tread and touch. I wish I had the energy to maintain it for weeks at a time instead of a few days… it’s a very comfortable shape to wear.”
“You do look quite comfortable, Queen Chrysalis,” Zael commented as she lay her head down and shifted a little to find a comfortable position, not bothering with a sleeping pad.
“Not nearly as comfortable as our two companions,” Chrysalis chuckled, closing her eyes and settling her head comfortably on her tail. “Rest well, Zaelkyra.”
“Rest well, milady Queen,” the zebra replied.
Verde smiled as she looked between the zebra and the transformed changeling before burying her muzzle in Astra’s mane, still smelling faintly of mint. “A real zebra that’s normal, love,” she murmured. “Who would have thought?”
“Mmm… couldn’t all be insane, could they?” Astra replied in a relaxed, languid voice as she pressed lightly into the enfolding legs. “Well, I suppose they could but they… mmm… aren’t.”
“Not nearly as cool as having traveled with Nightmare Moon gone incognito on us, though,” Verde grinned. “Bet she’s been sitting on a cloud somewhere laughing her plot off at having fooled us. She sure dropped plenty of hints—from Ponyville, knew the Six, mom still has a home back in the town, ‘father’ wanted her to be the opposite of the mare she’s become—but still couldn’t look passed the solicitous guard with the turquoise eyes.”
Astra deftly twisted around so they were laying belly-to-belly then pressed her lips softly to Verde’s. “It’s OK, cuz… I forgive you for not being your mom.”
Verde mmm’ed happily, lingering in the kiss for a moment. “Not sure she would… she’d be all like ‘Observe, ask, deduce, act Verde. Oh-ay-dee-ay. Make sure your remember it.’ And then she’d lock me in a room with a bunch of photographs and not let me out until I had a clever observation for each one.”
Astra pulled back, blinking. “Seriously?”
Verde managed to restrain her giggle to a light snort. “No, you silly filly. You know as well as I do that she has a ‘sad puppy eyes’ weakness like none other.” She nuzzled under her fillyfriend’s chin, pausing, shifting subjects. “Do you think there’s anything to Night and Zaelkyra fretting about Stable-Tec?”
“If there is, we’re totally bucked,” Astra replied, trying with limited success to frown heavily while making a small noise of pleased contentedness at the nuzzle. “If somepony’s altering the blueprints, screwing around with the Stables, they’ve already got hundreds of thousands of pony victims in their hooves and we can’t do a bucking thing about it. I mean, what would we do? Spread the word that the most secure and thoroughly-engineered safe places in Equestria could possibly be dangerous? Make ponies afraid to take shelter in them if the worst happens?”
Verde gave her another light kiss before meeting the other mare’s beautifully sapphire eyes. “There’s a reason I got so much support for upgrading the Alishield, dear,” she told her. “I didn’t realize it until Night expressed her concern but I think Aunt Scarlet knows something that makes her reluctant to throw all her eggs in the Stable-Tec basket. Can’t imagine what it’d be… your mom’s awesome but a cunning spyfilly she ain’t.”
“But she has one for a sister,” Astra pointed out. “There’s no asset quite like family.”
“Oh yes,” Verde all but purred. “Great spyfillies, awesome pranksters, the one-mare source of the world’s chocolate chip cookies… and a nice warm mare for bracing desert nights.”
Astra was noticeably less successful at containing her giggle. “Isn’t the playful, irrelevant innuendo supposed to be my thing?”
“I stole your thing,” Verde stuck her tongue out and had to contain a groan as Astra deftly sucked the appendage into her muzzle and turned it into another, albeit deeper, kiss.
“Yes, well, you’re welcome to it,” she murmured when, after a complete minute, the kiss broke. “Good to see you break out of the obsessive analyst mold.”
“Well, I did bring my notes…”
Astra fixed her with a death-glare. “Don’t you dare, Verde Tin. I’ll totally cocoon you in duct tape and roll you around if you lay telekinesis or teeth on those damn drawings.”
“You have duct tape too?”
“A mare needs only three things in life: oil if it should move but doesn’t, duct tape if it does move but shouldn’t, and a frying pan if her fillyfriend needs enforced spa visitation,” Astra informed her in perfect deadpan. “I made sure to bring them all.”
Verde waited for a long moment then grinned widely as Astra sighed. “May I?”
Astra rolled her eyes with a touch of fondness. “Might as well get it over with.”
“Restraints and lube.” She faked a serious expression. “Is there something you want to tell me, love?” She couldn’t help but follow the question with a soft giggle.
“Oh, yuk it up cousin,” Astra nipped her lightly. “That’s the last straight line you’re getting out of me for the rest of the trip.”
“Fine with me.” Verde hugged her closer, sighing contentedly at the soft warmth of her fillyfriend’s body and a warm muzzle resting in the hollow of her throat. “Should get some sleep.”
“Eeyup,” Astra agreed, going completely relaxed. “Love ya, Day.”
“Love ya, Zen,” she murmured, letting her eyes close. “Sleep well.”
><><
“I’m pretty sure that traditionally, the monarch is the one that’s supposed to be carried around, not the subjects,” Chrysalis observed wryly.
“You’re the only who can do the dragon thing, Your Majesty,” Astra replied, grinning. “This way is much faster and besides, didn’t you say you’re really comfy as a dragon?”
“I did at that,” the changeling-turned-dragoness admitted as she returned her gaze to the path ahead. They’d been awoken by what sounded like distant explosive detonations and the harsh sun of the Barrens near noon and, unable to figure out where the detonations had come from and not hearing them repeated, they’d quickly packed up camp and started out along the tracks. After nearly an hour of having to trot at a rapid clip to keep up with Chrysalis’ expanded stride (she’d elected to keep herself in her draconic form for intimidation purposes), Verde had hit on the idea of Chrysalis slightly expanding her size and carrying the other three on her back. After much cajoling (and Chrysalis finally losing patience with having to travel so slowly so they wouldn’t fall behind), she’d agreed and it turned out that not only was Chrysalis’ form lithe like that of a feline, her hide was more like that of a pony than a dragon (proving her point that she couldn’t use the form for combat) and thus very comfortable to ride on.
“Can you give us any idea of what we’ll see when we get to the hives, Zael?” Verde asked the zebra, who’d elected to take position on Chrysalis’ shoulder.
“Zaelkyra,” she corrected her. “Zael is one of my cousins. The proper familiar shortening of my name would be ‘Kyra’ and although you have been pleasant to me, I don’t think we are quite that familiar with one another just yet. At any rate, my best guess is one of two extremes: either we’ll see nothing or we’ll see the results of a successful establishment of a beachhead.”
“And nothing in between?”
“Either they chose to stage the invasion last night when the coastal emplacements would be sight-impaired and vulnerable to being blinded by bright lights, or they held off to prepare the ground first,” Kyra replied. “The signaling station on the coast was already taken offline and the coastal batteries have no garrison, so if invasion was attempted, it will have been successful.”
“Losing the signaling station wouldn’t matter,” Verde told her. “The Royal Guard we were traveling with left to break into one of the relays and open up communications before we encountered you.”
“That would explain why we were unable to find a relay to sabotage and were forced to sabotage the station instead,” Kyra commented thoughtfully. “Ingenious to place the relays where only Equestrians can access them.”
“We thought so,” Chrysalis chuckled. “Although you’re undoubtedly right about the invasion being successful if attempted. Even if Night got a message to the military within moments of leaving us, it’ll still take days for them to arrive.”
“Except for General Dash’s forces,” Astra pointed out.
“Except for them, yes,” Chrystalis agreed. “But there’re limits to what ordinance a pegasi can carry—part of the reason I support Scarlet Knife’s initiative to add mechanical fliers to our forces—so they can only harass the beachhead and make it more difficult to quickly secure. No, the heavy equipment that we’d need to defeat the invasion moves on trains and I have no doubt that Zaelkyra and her companions were quite thorough about destroying switches.”
“Assuming it does arrive,” Verde pointed out. “If nothing else, the zebras have always been known for thoroughness. All it would take would be an extra team blowing switches far and wide and movement of heavy forces into the Barrens would get… complicated.”
“They’d still arrived eventually, though.”
“Not necessarily, Your Highness,” Astra said. “It’s quite obvious that the invasion of the Barrens is meant to try and divert forces from following up at Stalliongrad and command would be aware of that. No way in Tartarus they’d abandon you, but fighting the zebras over empty land would be low on their priority list.”
Verde felt Chrysalis tense below her. “So you think we may be on our own?”
“No, but I think that your uninvited guests aren’t going to be shown the door very soon.” Astra patted the changeling sympathetically. “One of the hazards of being one of the few places in Equestria where we can safely trade space for time.”
“So we’re traveling towards their likely invasion site… why?”
“In case we’re wrong or in case our eyewitness report convinces command that they can do major damage with a minimum investment,” Verde told her. “Sending one of the new dreadnaught refits to draw some blood, tow in a rail battery, use one of the new stutter-bombs to take out vital targets, maybe even giving some of Mare Applejack’s new power-armor soldiers a lift out here to act as Mare Dash’s heavy artillery. There’s lots of options, Chrysalis.”
The tension left and Chrysalis craned her neck around to give Verde a grateful look. “Thanks, Commander.”
“Speaking of the title, I was wondering something, Verde,” Kyra said, looking at her in a way that made it clear the curiosity was anything but casual.
“That being?”
“How did your mother get into the position of Undermare without running afoul of Mare Pie’s so-called ‘Pinkie Sense’?”
Verde sighed. “I take it that one of the things you found out about Mom is her daughter’s name.”
“Yes, and your cousin whispers quite loudly,” Kyra’s eyes twinkled. “I’m sure she does other things quite loudly as well.”
Both Verde and Astra colored at this but they were saved from having to answer by a kerthump kerthump of explosions, vastly closer this time. Chrysalis didn’t need to be prompted, pausing to gently dump her passengers before breaking into an easy feline lope; clearly, although she couldn’t fly, she had no trouble figuring out how to run effectively and she was already out of shouting distance before Verde could think to protest.
“What the hay does she think she’ll be able to do alone?” Verde demanded of no one, glaring after the retreating form of the transformed queen.
A series of kerthumps echoed in the near distance and Verde shook her head, grimacing as she started trotting in the direction they were coming from. “I guess this answers the question of whether they’ve established a beachhead,” she muttered.
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Will there be more of this story?
1281145 Most certainly, but I'm back-burner'ing it for the moment because my other story, "Game of Worlds" seems to be what the public wants to read so I'm concentrating on it. It's not on hiatus necessarily, but it'll be put together much more slowly than its bigger, more popular cousin.
1281270
no pans for balance?
1300899 No... what for balance?
1300930
any more even split between time?
1300958 I'll try to. And this will be as long as it takes to complete the countdown.
1300995
i was expecting a long fic after the countdown basing how the wasteland would work with these changes. who knows maybe something will happen in this time that will render that unnecessary.
1301050 Render what unnecessary?
1301067
speculation. i'll see in the future.
For lack of an 'applause' emoticon, and my laziness in not wanting to dig up that scene of clapping from Citizen Kane, I'll simply observe that what you have of this fic so far has been magnificent. Your mechanics were by-and-large impeccable, and I found the way you tied your source material together to be riveting. The social implications of Nyx outside Equestrian society have a vast potential, and you've tapped into an impressive amount of it in drawing your explanation for the 'the war'.
There are a few items of minor concern, however, that I felt I ought to bring to your attention. Foremost among them at least in a chronological sense is your use of dialogue amongst OC's, and the concerns of keeping the speakers separate. While I was always able to decipher who was speaking with just a little thought, there were points at which I had to back up and re-read a few lines to realize who the speaker was for a particular statement. It's a minor issue, but it does disrupt flow.
This can often be a difficult issue to address in literature in my experience, as any visual medium clearly expresses exactly who the speaker of any given dialogue is. However, in writing, it might help to pay a bit closer of attention to explicity stating who says a particular line, at least until the audience has gotten a good chance to recognize these characters. To provide an example, it's fairly obvious when you read the text "Ah told y'all I wasn't ready!" that Applejack is speaking. While the same might seem obvious of "Yeah! Go Wonderbolts!" for Rainbow Dash, the difference is that we have the former has an actual identifying trait, while the latter revolves around knowing the character's motivations well enough to ascertain their dialogue. Basically, what I'm saying here is that for at least the first chapter or two after introducing a new character, I would urge you to put a bit of extra effort into clarifying who they are when they're speaking. After those couple of chapters, when readers have a real grip of what motivates a character (or at least, what their dialogue looks like), such clarifications are no longer quite as necessary. About halfway through Chapter 3 in this case, I found that the issue of recognizing who was speaking had largely disappeared for me.
On the topic of OC's, I found that you did an excellent job of characterization. And, similarly, I stood up and yelled rather loudly when... a certain character made reference to herself by proxy during introductions. While the 'twist' there was masterfully played, I have to admit confusion that it seemed like none of the characters picked up on the statement. I note you make something of an explanation a few chapters later, after said character has... 'departed'. (I want spoiler tags so bad). Anyway, that's just sort of an odd thought that stuck out to me.
Finally, while I recognize the necessity of a lot of your 'technical talk' and 'pseudo-jargon', there are times where its use gets so dense as to bog down the pacing. This might very well be the result of needing to get information across to the reader, but at least on some level, it strikes me as the result of the fact that seeming every character you introduce has some degree of high-level technical knowledge. While (especially in 'Fallout') such information is necessary, I'd strongly advise putting a little bit of attention toward 'trimming the fat' in these discussions when you get back to writing this story.
And on that note, get back to writing this story! I know you're busy with the other one right now, and I certainly wouldn't encourage simply dropping it, but this is great stuff. Here's hoping for more.
-Loyal Liar
1971165
Thankee.
I don't deserve credit for the social implications part; that's all Kkat who stated that the reason for the war in Fallout Equestria was partly that the zebras remained convinced that Luna was Nightmare Moon and were dead certain that if they didn't kill her, she'd destroy the world. My change is that unlike in KKat's story, Nightmare Moon is a real pony and her name is Nyx and her nature and backstory are as outlined in Pen Stroke's famous work.
And since my imagination works like a movie theater in which I'm the only one who can see the film, I tend to see the characters talking and acting as I write them and find it very easy to keep track, and thus forget to make it more explicit.
It's actually quite simple: Chrysalis doesn't know her well enough to spot it and it doesn't occur to the other two that it could be her, so they don't see it either.
I'll try to but sometimes, technical things are highly important. Explaining why they're surprised to see what appears to be an ironclad monitor requires explanation. Explaining how the victory at Stalliongrad happened requires technical details as well because it's an important story point, the reason for what happens next. And since things are told from the perspective of an incredibly techno-minded character, she tends to notice these small details.
More will happen, promise.
Just as a random Easter egg, because you give me a nice wall o' text here, I'll reveal that what's told about the Battle of Stalliongrad here is a combination of the historical aspects of the Battle of Stalingrad during WW2, a bit of alternate history involving a plan generated by General Erich von Manstein ("General Manestein" in the story) to trick massive portions of the Red Army into thinking the Germans were fleeing, thus causing them to try and cut off the false retreat, and then trapping their armies against the Sea of Azoz and ripping them apart. While I don't think General Heinz Guderian and the forces he commanded would have been involved in this plan, I put a "General Derian" into the story for fun. The precise tactical aspects of the victory were based on the tactical practices of General Erwin Rommel during the campaigns n North Africa; it's no coincidence that someone named "Ruby Pommel" is touted as the hero of one of the battles. As you might be able to tell, I'm a bit of a history nut (which is how an ironclad ship called a "monitor" appears in the story) and I'm using this nuttery to compose some of the military aspects of this.
1301050 Having been drawn back to this by LoyalLiar, I'm thinking more clearly and I realize now what you meant by this. In answer, I'll say that the Wastelands still happen in the future of this story but several things change that make the wastelands quite different than they are in Kkat's work.
Heya Dual, this fic has been sitting in my "read later" tab for a bit now, so I'd like to offer my initial thoughts on it.
First, I will admit that I know nothing of the Fallout: Equestria universe (i've played the Fallout games, though I doubt that they'll be much help in this case,) so there may be some required reading for me to fully grasp what is occuring in your fiction.
The first thing that I notice upon coming to this story is a rather intimidating two-paragraph author's note, followed by the actual synopsis. I'm not saying that you should change it, but it may scare off potential readers. Perhaps rearranging it so that the synopsis is at the top will help pique interest. Giving credit where it's due is absolutely important, but the way you have it currently set up interferes with the reader finding out what they can expect from this story.
I've only read the first chapter thus far, but so far I am enjoying it. I like the interactions that you've written between Verde, Pale and Astra. It feels natural and smooth, for the most part. Their characters, as well as their relationships with one another, are still a bit fuzzy to me, but that's probably because it's just the first chapter. I enjoyed the chess metaphor that you used as well (for the record, I suck at chess.)
There were points during the conversation that felt like they were just there for exposition's sake, but as someone coming into this story with no knowledge of the FO:E world, they helped fill me in on some of the events that have transpired. Still, they do stand out from time to time amongst the rest of your writing.
All in all, I will say that I am quite interested to continue this story. I will also say that my critiques are very much a matter of opinion, and you may tell me to kindly fuck off if you wish.
Thumbs up, and onward to Chapter Two!
How do I give feedback on something like this? There’s so much to think about. This will be a long wall.
I’ll start by saying I enjoyed it. Very much so. The intricacy of all the details being combined is masterful. It’s not entirely flawless, but there is so much going on that works great. It’s one of the most exciting stories I have read in a long time. I have read all three of the things this story makes use of, so I was mostly able to keep track of everything. That said, the story still left me with a headache. I think I would have got lost if I hadn’t read the base stories. It might just be me. I refuse to forget any detail in a story unless I’m sure I don’t need it anymore.
I’d like to give you some credit for world building, even though you used a lot of stuff other people thought of. There’s still plenty in here that’s new and exciting. You seem a little quick in the comments to shrug it off, but I do think it deserves praise.
While this is a very enjoyable story, it is not without problems. I’m going to try to identify everything in the story that I thought was strange or out of place. Maybe some of it will be useless, but I’ll probably hit something important.
The first thing that bothered me was that you give us a lot of information, of varying levels of importance, but I found it very hard to distinguish how important it was that I remembered each thing. In general, when I read a story, I think of everything the characters say as a critical point. You do more explaining through conversation that through action. It made me feel that I had to remember everything they remembered, like weapon specifics, battle tactics and engineering specifics. There was already so much going on in the story, I had to slow down and re-read parts of it to process everything.
This is a strange thing to think about, because a lot of the charm of this story actually comes from the levels of depth you go to with everything. The only thought I have on making it easier is to try transfer less important information to action scenes, like maybe have the character read about something and summarise it in their mind, or if they test a weapon, just describe the weapon being used and leave it at that.
Thing the second: everyone in the story seems desperate to spill their guts at every opportunity. This was most notable during the introduction of Chrysalis, and the part where they take the zebra prisoner. You just pass things off as making small talk to fill us in on the plot, but I found it strange that the characters haven’t put more advance thought into what’s going on. I would expect them to do less talking and more thinking. You have Chrysalis show up for some diplomacy thing (not sure what it was anymore) and then she gives all this history of changelings and her repentance story and a whole lot of stuff. The content here was good, but the delivery was a tad clumsy.
I would expect Verde and Astra to take a more active role in this situation. If they have a goal in mind, I’d expect them to be constantly asking questions directed towards it, and not get side-tracked. They were trying to test the new megaspell, right? If the extra stuff wasn’t crucial information, I’d think it would have been left out, and if it was, I’d think they would have started already knowing more about it. A treaty between the changelings and ponies would be big news. I’d think a large portion of the story would have spread to the point of being common knowledge. The characters felt strangely ignorant to me at this point.
Number three: lack of group tension. Perhaps not a direct flaw, but I think this is a place where the story missed out on big opportunities. The main pack of the story seems to be Verde, Astra, and Chrysalis. Maybe Pale as well. They lack the little disagreements that could make them feel more real. Whenever anything comes up that they could disagree on, someone caves and there is a clear winner. It would have done the characters more depth to hold onto things, and stay together for the greater good, despite their differences.
The prime example is Astra’s strange zebra-racism. Pale seems surprised and confused by her explanation, but then he sort of just adjusts to it. It is unreasonable to claim all members of a race are irredeemably bad. More so when her distinguishment on what makes a zebra is so unsound. It’s perfectly acceptable for Astra to be racist, given her backstory, but I think it’s strange the other characters don’t harbour feelings of pity or contemptment for her.
It’s hard for me to specify exactly what I mean by all this. The best I can do is say that people are judgemental of each other, and they always remember little things their friends do wrong. It feels like your characters aren’t forming opinions strongly enough for me to relate to them.
If I compare to FO:E (which isn’t a perfect metaphor for this group, but it will do), At the start, we just have Littlepip, but very soon we know she wants Velvet, but will never get her. They have to be friends in spite of this, which creates a strong dynamic of tension. If you could work things like this in, I think your characters would be stronger.
White we’re on that, here’s number four. I had some problems with Verde’s character. She seems to just act mildly through the whole story. She smooths out conflict between the other characters, but she doesn’t do much else. I get that she has plot significance in the big picture; I just mean that she feels strange in the group mechanic to me. The other characters are at least trying to be opinionated quite often, but she doesn’t seem to feel strongly about anything. I guess you were going for a yin-yang sort of deal with Astra.
I thought the relationship with Astra was a bit weak too. You bring it up a little at the start with the teasing, but we don’t really know what’s going on. Then four and a half chapters later the randomly break out the fuzzy handcuffs and vibrators. They go too long in the story without affirming their relationship. Or if they did, and I didn’t notice, then everything else clouded it. I would expect there to be more tension between them. I don’t really know anything about love, but I’d think it normal for them to be just a little irrationally concerned for each other. Without signs like that, or a backstory to relate to, I forgot they were together.
Thing five: this is just a little one. It’s sometimes hard for me to follow what atmosphere you are trying to create. You sometimes just between cartoony and serious descriptions. Like in chapter one with the ‘eyes gone dinner-plate’ thing. It’s not really a big deal.
So anyway, that’s a like and favourite from me. I’ll probably read your other story when I have time. I can write a big thing for that if you like. I like to dissect things. I know I spent like 75% of this post poking holes in the story, but that’s disproportional to my enjoyment levels. I’m looking forward to reading more of your stuff, whatever you end up working on.
2126764 Thankee much. :) No real knowledge of the FOE universe is needed, which is why I'm doing my best to do lots of exposition. This fic is essentially an AU of FOE, changing the past (which is when this is set, 5 weeks prior to the apocalypse of FOE) to alter how FOE would shake out.
A very good thing to do, because most every big point that the characters raise foreshadows a future event or explains why things are currently happening. It's a major infodump, but I couldn't think of a way to get the information in without doing something like this. I'm working with a friend who's helping me with this but the revisions are slow in coming because I've got higher-priority matters going on.
The circumstances of why the changelings are no longer Equestria's enemies isn't widely-known and while the daughter of a high-level intelligence analyst (Verde) is aware of things, her cousin isn't as much so. Thus why Chrysalis tells her story to Astra, although as before, I'm trying to streamline this with help from a friend.
There's no point, though; they asked about it, Chrysalis did some thinking and identified the only safe place to do the test (the old hive) and they got on a train to personally inspect it; I'm not sure what else should be happening if they're on a train towards their goal and have already asked all the relevant questions.
For reasons discussed in the revised version of the chapter, everyone involved agreed to keep it quiet lest the news that changelings are still everywhere after everypony thought they were gone for good causes a panic. Since the treaty, moreover, the changelings have occupied a place similar to the place that Pacific Coast native Americans did for east-coast Americans in the early 1800s: a vague sense they exist without much solid knowledge of who they are or how it is that they're no longer enemies.
There has yet to be any opportunity to develop such things. Disagreements will develop, naturally, and I keep emphasizing that this is being slowly revised to fix many problems, but the points of disagreement are still a ways in the future because nothing controversial has happened quite yet.
It doesn't matter to Pale, Verde agrees enough not to fight her on it (this becomes clear much later), and everyone else she's mentioned it to is a bit stunned by her anger and bitterness and insistence that she's not a zebra despite looking like one.
It's still quite early and the fact is, Verde is extremely tightly-controlled; once again, it's early, you find out more later, and revisions are occurring to fix things. Suffice it to say, Verde Tin is a pivotal figure in the larger story but how and why is not yet revealed.
By which you obviously mean they cuddle a little and Verde teases Astra about bringing duct tape, oil, and a frying pan along with her.
It's still early and no opportunity has presented itself.
There's a LOT of chapters to come on this story, FakeScienceMonthly, anywhere from 20 to more than that. So... patience, this is a small side project in comparison to Game of Worlds.
4062514 I'm working on the "wordy" aspect with the help of an editor. Chapters 4 onwards are under the care of the editor right now.
"True motives"? You mean, a religious crusade against the evils of the stars, in the form of Nightmare Moon? *suddenly wonders if I missed the part of FoE that explains the zebras' motives...*
Thanks for the compliment, tho. ^_^
Damn, this is dead as a door nail. Pity
Though I do take issue with calling Fallout: Equestria a novella of all things. It’s longer than war and peace! Mice and Men’s a novella. There are individual chapters that are longer than a novella.