ALL HAIL PRINCESS LUNA, MY HER RULE LAST FOREVER!!!!!! ;3
Darce Grayson, a dark mage with the whole world against him, for twelve long years he has been hated and abused for what he was born with
he then catches a break, for when they attempt to banish him, he takes control of the spell, and redirects it
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Good story. I hope you decide to write a sequel to it
9902856 i very much intend to write a sequel to this
it'll be called (A dark lover) "no clop though"
9902856
i'm revamping this story, though i'll leave this one up
so the sequel is gonna be delayed
I see you have said you are revamping this story, so maybe what I’m about to say is no longer going to apply, but I’m going to say it anyway. It might help you in the rewrite, and maybe someone else who will happen to stumble upon this could learn from it as well. To be honest, this chapter is very hard to follow. Everything happens incredibly fast, making the story pretty much impossible to digest fully.
There’s also a bunch of typos and the like—such as the lack of capitalised I. It’s always capped, always. Loads of oddly placed punctuation, information that’s summarised in brackets, multiple exclamation marks, and lots of words in bold, italics, and some underlined parts are making the text very hard to read. To be honest, most of these are not needed.
Lastly, if you want to use a first-person POV, you cannot switch between characters in a single scene, you have to stick to just one, otherwise it gets jarring really fast.
I’m sorry that my comment has to be such a negative one, but I find such brutal honesty better than pointless sugarcoating. I hope this can help you grow as a writer. Let me know if you’d like me to elaborate more on something
10505919
*sigh* you don't have to worry about that any more, iv'e decided not to write any more, i lack the imagination to continue, and i lack friends to accurately help me through, so there are no more stories coming from me 😐
10506527
Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. To be fair, you don’t really need friends to write—writing has always been a lonely affair. (Of course, once you have finished writing, you can hire a bunch of beta-readers and editors to go over the story with you. It’s a pretty amusing process. There’s a lot of people on the site who like to pre-read and joke around.)
As for your imagination, I have to disagree. The chapter I read might have been chaotic, but from what I have seen, you’ve created lots of lore for the mage world, and I’m pretty sure that if you tried, you’d continue to amaze your readers with what you can come up with. But hey, that’s just two cents of an experienced author and editor.
I loved the Plot, but I was a little lost in the change of point of view without having a clear indication of who was speaking or narrating, I don't know if it's intentional or not, but in general it's very good.
11701127
thanks
your the second person to say something nice of my story