Luna had certainly done a nice job with the stars that night.
Twilight had begun to trot back to the library after escaping Pinkie Pie and her crazy ideas (‘The world revolving around the sun…that mare is insane!’) and was quite surprised to find that night had fallen. The moon hung overhead and without a cloud in the sky she was able to see all the twinkling stars that shined above her. Luna had really outdone herself and Twilight wondered if the alicorn realized just how many ponies had come to love her sky.
'Nice work, 'mom',' Twilight thought with a snort. She couldn't believe how many ponies thought she was related to Luna...just because they both had dark coat...and their cutie marks dealt with the night sky, and Twilight had never seen any foal pictures of herself in her parents' house...
“Beautiful night, isn’t it?” Twilight turned to find herself joined by Ponyville’s resident madpony, Doctor Whooves (‘Just the Doctor will be fine, thank you’ he had once told them). The brown stallion smiled slightly as he looked up at the sky, marveling at its beauty. “Amazing how it looks so different here than it does back home…or when half of those stars burn out after the Great Universal Civil War...”
Twilight merely smiled, deciding that she didn’t want to try and figure out what he was talking about. The Doctor was always making strange little comments like that and the residents of Ponyville had learned to ignore him. Heck, the only one that seemed to take any notice of his strangeness was Derpy…and that pony was the last one that should be considering others weird.
“So, what are you doing out this late?” The Doctor asked as they passed Quills and Beds (Not to be confused with Beds and Quills or Ray's Original Quills and Beds). “Off on an adventure? Fighting dragons or taking on the Queen of Fear?”
“Queen of what?”
“Oh…nothing,” The Doctor said before muttering “Spoilers.”
Ignoring his strange comments, Twilight turned a corner and began to head home. “Actually, none of the above. Somehow I got suckered into finding out about Scootaloo’s past and I’ve been dealing with crazy theories all day.”
The Doctor nodded, though it was clear from his lack of a smile that he was disappointed in her answer. “I suppose you can’t always have crazy adventures.” He paused, replaying her last statement. “Wait…didn’t we already do this?”
“Huh?”
“You and Scootaloo. Your little dragon friend jumped on your head then I told you about Scootaloo.” At Twilight’s blank stare The Doctor cursed in frustration. “Stupid Tardis! I wanted to go 12 hours into the future and it sent me 12 hours into the past…listen, I will see you in the morning but I won’t remember any of this…oh, and remember to take a step to your left…or was it right?” He left a bemused Twilight standing in the road as he stalked away to go make corrections to his beloved blue box.
Twilight shook her head, a smile gracing her lips. Perhaps what the capricorns of Bridle Bay said was true: Every pony in Equestria was crazy.
Deciding to take a shortcut back to the library, Twilight took a quick left, only to find herself engulfed by a massive crowd of ponies. “What the?” Twilight began to push her way through the throng, ponies muttering all about ‘his return’ and ‘he’s back’ and ‘hope I get picked to go on stage’. Twilight, no knowing or caring what was happening, wanted nothing more to get through the crowd and continue on her journey.
So she wasn’t very happy when her head collided with a stage the moment she popped out of the crowd.
“Who put this-“ Twilight never got to finish, as she suddenly found herself bathed in fireworks and explosions that left her pupils pulsing and her ears ringing. She stumbled back, another unicorn and a pegasus catching her as she tumbled, and Twilight looked up as the fireworks ended, revealing a large, muscle-bound minotaur standing on the stage, a microphone in his hand. The ponies around Twilight began to stomp their hooves, letting out cheers and whistles.
“Finally….Iron Will…has come back…to PONYVILLE!”
“Oh Celestia…” Twilight grumbled, rolling her eyes at the showboating minotaur. Of all the parks in all of Equestria, she had to wander into this one.
“You know what Iron Will sees when he looks out at the fine ponies of Ponyville? He sees ponies that want to take charge of their lives! Ponies that want what they deserve! Iron Will asks what is wrong with that? Everyone deserves to have what they want!” He began to point at the ponies in the crowd. “You with the blonde mane: you deserve what you want! The silver pegasus: you deserve what you want! You,” he said, pointing at Twilight, “the confused, bandaged unicorn that is scowling! You deserve what you want!”
“Well, I want you to stop pointing at me, can I get that?”
“Done and done!” Iron Will reached down and plucked Twilight up onto the stage. “I can tell right away that you are not somepony that lets others push you around. What is your name, fine lady?”
“Uh, it’s-“
“IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!” Iron Will roared, Twilight’s face pulling back like she was in an accelerator chamber from the sheer force of the cry. “And why is that everypony?” he called out to the audience.
“Because unless you are lame, everyone already knows your name!” the crowd cheered.
Twilight blinked, shaking her head in an attempt to get some of her hearing back. “It’s like being surrounded by 50 Zecoras,” she muttered, slowly backing away from the massive motivational speaker. “Listen, all I did was take a wrong turn…and I just want to get back home and sleep off the headache I’ve gotten from all the craziness I’ve dealt with today-“
“And what craziness is that? Tell Iron Will!” He motioned for his goat assistants to pull out, of all things, a desk and a loveseat. “Because Iron Will isn’t just about assertiveness! When he sees a pony that embodies what Iron Will believes in, Iron Will wants to sit down…" he instantly stopped shouting and instead took on a more conversational tone, "and have a nice chat to learn more about them,” Twilight barely had time to process what was going on before she found herself sitting on the comfy couch, Iron Will taking a seat behind the desk, grabbing a mug of coffee and taking a sip as he checked over some cue cards. Overhead, a sign was lowered that read “Chattin’ with Iron Will”. “Now then…Miss…?”
“Uh…Twilight,” she said, thankful he wasn’t screaming at her.
“Twilight. Can we have a round of applause for Twilight?” The audience let out whoops of delight. “Twilight, you hail from Ponyville, right?” Twilight, utterly confused, could only nod, which caused the ponies in the audience to cheer even louder, one of them crying out ‘I’m from there!’ even though they were all currently in and from Ponyville. “Now, you were saying something about craziness? Why don’t you tell us about it? Do you have a clip?”
"What? A clip? What do you...?" The unicorn looked at him, Iron Will taking another sip of coffee as he waited for her to speak. Realizing he wouldn't let her leave until she spoke, Twilight took a slow, calming breath. “Well…I have been having a rough day-“
“Well, tell us about it! The millions-“
“AND MILLIONS!” the crowd cheered.
“-of Iron Will’s fans want to hear about it.”
Deciding that she better hurry up unless she wanted Iron Will to spout off another catchphrase, Twilight quickly said, “I have been trying to find out about this little filly, Scootaloo, but everyone keeps telling me these crazy stories-”
Iron Will held up a hand, motioning for Twilight to stop. “Then why didn’t you say so in the first place! Iron Will knows all about Boogaloo-“
“Scootaloo.”
“-and he will tell you her tale of assertiveness!”
“…listen, it’s really late, and I know how this is going to go down, so can we just skip this part and-“
~MC~MC~MC~
Scootaloo sighed, watching as the other fillies and colts scampered out the door. They were all giggling as they met their parents who were waiting for them just outside the small building that served as their school. Sometimes she wished she could have somepony waiting for her. It was silly, of course, because there simply was no way her parents would ever set a hoof in Ponyville…not after all the bad that had happened. She lowered her head, noticing that a few of the parents were giving her the evil eye. They knew exactly who she was and didn’t want their children anywhere near her. It hurt her heart but she remembered what her parents had always told her: don’t make a scene, it only leads to trouble.
Scootaloo scowled and leapt onto her scooter, rocketing away from the school and making her way far from Ponyville to her parent’s cottage that sat on the edge of the Everfree. It was a section of Ponyville that few ever came to and that is why her parents had made their home there, to avoid the prying eyes of the ponies that hated and despised them.
“Mom, I’m home!” Scootaloo called out, throwing off her helmet and hurrying into the kitchen, where her mother was making brownies.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie is wondering if you had a good time as school, Scootie-Tootie. Also, would you like some milk with your snack?”
“Wait a minute… Trixie is Scootaloo’s mom?!?! Then who the heck is her father?”
“Hey babe, I’m home!”
“Gilda!” Trixie said happily, giving her griffon lover a kiss.
“STOP!”
~MC~MC~MC~
The audience murmured as Twilight pointed a shaking hoof at Iron Will. “No…no no no! I already had this conversation once today! You need a stallion and a mare to make a foal!”
“Right,” Iron Will said calmly.
“…then how could they be Scootaloo’s parents?!?!”
“They adopted.”
Somewhere offstage, Twilight heard a trombone go "waa waa waaaaaa".
“…oh.”
“Iron Will is disappointed that you are such a bigot!”
Twilight’s jaw dropped. “I’m not a-“
"Just because a couple is interspecies does not mean they can not provide a loving home! Why, Iron Will's uncle is married to a very nice sphinx!"
“Hate monger!” Someone in the audience yelled.
“You should be ashamed!”
“I like yelling things!”
“Ok, ok, I’m sorry!” Twilight called out, flailing her front legs in a panic. The crowd began to settle down and Twilight slumped in her chair, wishing this day would just end. “I didn’t mean to insinuate anything. Sorry.”
“Iron Will accepts your apology! What do we say when someone finally admits they are wrong?”
“ABOUT TIME!” The crowd cheered.
“Not my normal catchphrase, I will admit, but it works.”
Twilight lowered her head, wondering if it was too late to go talk to Mrs. Cake and hear more of her crazy couple theories. At least at Sugarcube Corner there wasn’t an audience cheering slogans (that she knew of). "By the way, how do you know Gilda and Trixie?"
~3 Months Earlier~
"Hi, I'm Iron Will."
"HI IRON WILL!" the gathering of ponies and other creatures called out.
"It has been 3 weeks since I dealt with one of the Elements of Harmony and had to leave Ponyville."
Flim and Flam nodded, patting him on the shoulder while Trixie and Gilda cuddled in the corner and Discord's statue...well, just sat there because it was a statue.
"Sorry I'm late guys!" a great red dragon bellowed, ripping off the roof of the community center so he could participate.
~MC~MC~MC~
"...I am doubting the validity of that story," Twilight said coolly.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Scootaloo, what is the matter?" Gilda asked, looking up from her sunflower seed salad. The loving family (and they were loving, despite what some evil bigoted unicorns would have you believe) had sat down to dinner and Gilda had noticed her little orange sweetie-pie was looking down. "You haven't touched your oats."
"Moms...why can't we do normal things like a real family?" Scootaloo asked. “Why can’t you pick me up from school or go have lunch in town? Why do we have to wear our paper bags of shame when we go get groceries.” Scootaloo pointed to two large bags and a smaller, filly size bag in the corner, all three with eyeholes cut in them.
"Your Great and Powerful Mother has explained this too you before," Trixie said, pulling Scootaloo closer to her so she could give her a hug. "The ponies in Ponyville will never accept us. They simply don't like us and we are ok with that. Trying to change that will only lead to confrontation.” Trixie gently nuzzled the filly. "If you have any hope of living a quiet, unimportant life you have to keep your head down. Do you remember that game we use to play?"'
"You mean 'Doormat'?" Scootaloo said glumly.
Trixie grinned. "That's right! Life is just like that game: you only win if you lay completely still and don't move a muscle when people walk all over you."
"I guess..." Scootaloo said softly, pushing around an oat flake with her hoof, eyes downcast. "I just don't understand why you don't stand up for yourselves and be more assertive."
"We both tried that once and it cost us, babe," Gilda answered. "My best friend couldn't handle my rad attitude and abandoned me, and Trixie was chased out of town by a nerdy bookworm who’s probably never even kissed a boy!"
"Hey! I've...I've kissed plenty of boys...like George...Glass. He’s not made up at all…really."
"We both realized that the only way you can be happy in life is to just roll over and let people treat you horribly. If you try to stand up for yourself it only leads to heartache."
Scootaloo wasn't convinced. "But I recently got this book by a motivational speaker named Iron Will and he says that when done right, you can earn respect from your peers by being assertive."
Trixie tapped her chin, using her magic to pull the book to her from Scootaloo's room. "Well, Trixie will admit that Iron Will is a very handsome minotaur and anyone, including that ex girlfriend of his Whiny Betty, was a fool to break up with him.
Gilda moved her chair over so she could read over the first chapter as well, wrapping an arm around Trixie. "Huh...according to this there is a difference between aggressively forcing your views on others and being assertive." She began to read over the chapter, each well written word (which made Playwrite the Great look like Playwrite the Average) made the tough griffon feel her excitement swell. "Wow, this guy isn't lame at all! He is totally cool!" She rose up, head held up high. "Iron Will and his magnificent words have convinced me: we are going to march into Ponyville and be more assertive! We will earn the respect of the town and they will give us everything we deserve!"
Trixie nodded, hugging her daughter close. "Scootaloo, where did you get this amazing book?"
Scootaloo laughed. "Iron Will's 'From Lame to Fame Game', along with his other writings including 'I am Equestria (And So Can You!)' and 'Hairy Trotter and the Goblet of Assertiveness' can all be found at your local bookstores for the low low price of 19.99-"
"Wait a minute....is this story just a pitch to sell your book?"
~MC~MC~MC~
The audience stopped cheering and Iron Will, who had been flexing his biceps and striking dramatic poses as he told the grand finale of his story, blinked in confusion as he sat down at his desk. "Well...yeah." Twilight's eye began to twitch worse than two grasshoppers bumping uglies. "But why should that matter? Didn't that story show you to never give up and even the smallest of you can change the minds of others and be assertive? Don't you want to be like Doobeloo?"
The crowd roared with applause, tossing their bits onto the stage (and in the case of one overly-excited mare, her bloomers...though why she was wearing bloomers when she hadn't even been wearing pants no pony knew) demanding their copies of Iron Will's books right then and there.
Twilight watched all of this with a burning fury that, with a blast of flames that would have made Spike proud, erupted violently along her body, sending her 3 feet in the air as her voice deepened to a Royal Canterlot Voice.
"ENOUGH! DON'T ANY OF YOU REALIZE THAT HE IS JUST SPOUTING OFF ONE LINERS AND COMMON SENSE IN THE HOPE OF GETTING YOUR BITS?!?! HE DIDN'T EVEN ANSWER MY QUESTION!"
Iron Will tilted his head, considering her words...before flashing a winning smile and gesturing towards the flaming unicorn. "See how assertive she was? You can be like that too when you buy my book!"
Twilight landed with a thud, staring at all the ponies in utter shock as they cheered wildly. The flames turned off, her skin returned to normal and Twilight lowered her head in defeat. "Iron Will?"
"Yes Twilight?"
"Do you...have any tables I can bash my head against?"
"No...but I do have these sheets of plywood!" He gestured to his assistants, who brought out several thick pieces of wood. "We use them as part of our ‘Breakthrough’ sess-"
CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK!
"Wow," Iron Will said in shock as Twilight broke each board in rapid succession, before trotting off the stage, grumbling in utter annoyance. "A hand for Twilight, everyone!"
"Yeah!"
"Go Twilight!"
"I still like yelling things!”
Twilight grit her teeth in frustration. "Wish I WAS Nightmare Moon's daughter...I'd summon such a nightfall on all of you..."
Iron Will clapped his hands before returning to his desk, playing with his pencil as his assistants handed out copies of his book to his paying customers. "Coming up next we have Vinyl Scratch with a single from her new album. We'll be right back."
If you would like tickets to the Chattin' with Iron Will Show, send a self addressed stamped envelope to-
Wow, did THIS chapter change alot during the scripting!
Originally there was a ton more with Gilda and Trixie but I realized it was reading too much like the Cakes chapter. And as I began writing Iron Will I decided to play with him a bit and throw some of 'The Great One' in there, just for giggles. But the biggest change was when Twilight got on stage...originally it was suppose to be Iron Will shouting slogans at her but as I wrote the line about him wanting to talk to her my mind went "Conan O'Brien...make him Conan O'brien" and we got the talk show.
Also, the idea to make the whole story a cheesy bit to sell books came from me realizing just how hammy the dialogue was and deciding to push it too 11.
Finally, originally there was no reference to Nightmare Moon, but I just love that sub-plot so much i decided I had to add it in.
Also, originally Doctor Whooves didn't appear but as I wrote the beginning I decided I wanted to play with time travel a bit...
Next chapter will let Twilight have a bit of a break from her mind snapping but also features some great bits AND and idea for a story I don't know if I'll ever write, so i will be seeing if I can get another reader to write it so I can enjoy it.
[this is of absolute quality]
I love Iron Will. He's best minotaur.
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Not Available Anywhere
This chapter is made of laugh.
Sweet, second. You didn't mention that weird thing Twilight does.
And Scootaloo wasn't even being assertive yet... but he obviously knew Trixie. And hated her.
This chapter was awesome!! The Cake's chapter is still my favorite, but this is a close second.
Gilda and Trixie raising Scoots. That is an idea with so much potential, why hasn't anyone written it? Some intrepid has to produce a full story around this family unit, RIGHT NOW.
I LIKE CAPS LOCK
1202159
If I have two hopes from this story, the first is to inspire other writers to take some of the ideas I create and actually make them stories.
The second is to get this story a TVtropes page (already been featured for other stories). Yeah, I'm egotistical like that.
Hey, I'm a Nigerian prince. Give me your money.
AM I DOING IT RIGHT?
Lol
Gilda+Trixie=Scootaloo
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1202119
Broken link. Also, hilarious way to have Twilight just get sucked into Iron Will's infomercial each time she tried to escape.
Oh god, Iron Will's books. I wish I hadn't already liked this story so that I could favorite it so hard FIMfiction's servers would poop themselves.
And maybe you should do a chapter from the perspective of Trixie or the Flimflam brothers proving the validity of Iron Will's "Antagonists Anonymous" meeting.
1202277
I want someone to make a picture of that...especially the image of Discord's statue just sitting there.
...this story makes no sense. At all.
So why do I find it so freaking funny???
Seriously, though, this is a hilarious take on Scootaloo's ambiguous background (and fanficcers' attempts to explain it). Not to mention some other odd theories like the Luna, mother of Twilight theory. Any plans on poking fun at Trollestia?
And the really funny thing is that, on reflection, everything's pretty much completely in-character! Well, maybe not the Cakes, but nothing there actually contradicted canon. I can totally picture Spike with the spy thriller story, and Pinkie's references were hilarious. And then Iron Will, who's apparently really good at marketing pitches (as if that was a surprise). And of course poor Twilight, who just wants some sanity (and some consistency). I sympathize with you, Twilight, but I hope you don't mind if I derive amusement as well.
1202288
I'll try, but I'm not that good at drawing and it might take a while. In return, you must write in the chapter idea I had. Maybe if it was from Trixie it would be like a wizardly fantasy. If it were the Flimflam brothers it would be an old-timey musical, a la The Music Man.
1202297
Not just her, but there will be a chapter entitled "Tydal" (dealing with the idea of OCs and authors trying to figure out the role of gods in the show) that deals with Celestia and others trolling Twilight and the mane cast.
1202309
I do plan for MANY characters to have stories, so don't be surprised if the brothers or Trixie or even Gilda appear to cause Twilight headaches.
R.I.P
LEMONPOP
DIED SEPTEMBER FIRST 2012
FOUND DEAD AT HIS DESK WITH A GRIN ON HIS FACE
AND HIS SIDES SPLIT
1202327 Dis gon be a long story, in't it?
I'm considering the whole community center scene. Well, I still have four stories to finish so that's gonna be on hold. But just you wait!
1202316:
1202335
As long as I keep coming up with ideas...yes. I want all 6 cast members to have a story (and yes, I just now came up with an idea for how TWILIGHT can tell an origin!) as well as many cast members from the show that are side characters.
I will confirm that Doctor Whooves, Derpy and Dinky, Tydal (an OC...BOO!), Applejack, Lyra, Fluttershy, defender2222 (you heard me), Cheerilee, and Twilight herself will all tell an origin. I also want Rarity and Rainbow Dash to tell some stories, and I have a GIANT list of ideas I keep making for more character stories
1202159 Gilda AND Trixie raising Scoots... wow, that would be the most brutal Scootabuse story every written.
1202366 This is going to be good.
Just to let you know, if the Flimflam brothers and Trixie don't get a chapter, I'm writing one myself. Oh, and the Discord statue, too.
1202288 This story is glorious madness! I can feel my Element of Insanity being charged to maximum power in its presence! My lord Discord will thank you! (Inadvertently, your story has given power to one of the Elements of Misery, and soon Discord will be free and bring Equestria to ruin! This means you are bad and you should feel bad. )
There should be a meeting of all the ponies and non-ponies the mane 6 have wronged. They would be so awesome!
I TOO ENJOY YELLING THINGS.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I applaude you on a well writen chapter
twilight is just losing IQ points with each new theory. not because of the theories, but because of the head trauma caused by smacking her head against tables and plywood.
Why doesn't she just ask Scootaloo herself?
(beat)
Oh man this chapter was priceless gold. I laughed, and facehoofed quite a bit. Brilliant!
Oh Twilight, you're gonna get a concussion that way.
Awesome.
And reading this gave me an idea I have not yet seen: Zecora and Iron Will= ?
I like posting comments!
Wow. That was...
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to
difference
Twilight is best Kane
I've got two ideas on what the Twilight chapter might be. One involves flame
Another win of a chapter... But I have to say, I'm still more curious about Twilight having a brownie than Scootybutt... I wonder if Nightmare Moon does a weeks thing when she eats brownies...
Please tell me we'll find out.
Edit: I appear to enjoy ellipses...
1202180
IF YOU CAN'T TELL, THEN YOUR ASSERTIVENESS JUST FELL! [/iron_will]
1203147 Soooooo....
Can I have your money then?
Trollestia is behind this whole thing, I just know it
The chapter I'm waiting for, however, is . I know it's coming - you can't hide it from me!
Gilda and Trixie adopting Scootaloo, that's a spin-off from Banishment Decree I'd like to see.
And this is how you make bad ponies disappear.
Quicklime is awesome!
1202051 I'm still itching to find out what that weird thing Twilight does when she eats a brownie is.
I do hope that if/when Luna gets a chapter, she derails it by mothering the hell out of Twilight.
1202366
Sooo, Twilight will probably cast some crazy spell that makes a temp. clone of herself who will tell herself her theory on where Scoots comes from?
That or she talks to a mirror...especially after she hits her head against a table a few more times.
Also, I hope that the conclusion goes that everything mentioned is included in the real origin story or none of it at all (Scoots can have a normal life, right?)
A few minor spelling errors, but I was laughing to damn hard to care. And here I thought nothing could have topped Pinkie's version.
Another great chapter.
The bit of Twilight being NMM/Luna's daughter? That's a good bit of poking fun at the "Twilight is Celestia's daughter" fics out there, while at the same time being completely insane. After all, NMM/Luna was in the moon until two years ago.
Unless that's why you had to bring in The Doctor, just so he can provide the final bit about "oh, you ARE her daughter. From the future."
"..." *Explodes into flame* "I AM NOT LUNA'S DAUGHTER! ESPECIALLY NOT FROM THE BUCKING FUTURE!"
"Then why do you have wings of flame and scream in the Canterlot Royal Voice?"
"...Oh F-!"
Cut to Canterlot, where Celestia is in the throne room and her and everypony else there are all silent and looking towards Ponyville.
"That has to be the loudest profanity I've ever heard."
It's a damn shame I only get one upvote. I need to be able to requisition some more to throw at this story.
Pure win