A/N: Hey guys. Sorry (Glad? Not sure. Take your pick.) to say that there will be NO SHIPPING in this story. I mean, who doesn't like a good romance sub-plot to make a nice filler? But I got so tired of writing/reading them. So yeah. Y U NO EVER PUT OC IN FRIEND ZONE? Sorry for the rant, needed to get that out of my system. On with the show.....I mean story.
Today was just absolutely invigorating. The sun was shining bright, various birds were chirping their mating calls, and multitiudes of flora sprouted and added to the glorious rainbow of colors that constituted Canterlot's breath-taking image. The pegasus weather teams had done an excellent job clearing any stray clouds in preparation for the Royal Wedding. Well, at least from receding brush of the Everfree Forest that led to hilly mountains did Canterlot's sprawl and castle truly complement it's natural scenary. What lay inside the city was contradictory to its visually stunning exterior...
A single pastel-yellow Earth mare, sporting a curly, carrot-orange mane, noted her overwhelming surroundings while traveling on the Canterlot mountain side, but she wouldn't allow herself to be distracted from her task. Pushing along a wooden, creaking wheelbarrow, she soon cleared the tall trees of Canterlot's portion of the Everfree, and viewed what she was preparing herself for: A fenced acre of various vegetables. She unlocked the gate, and soon got to work.
The sun traveled across the blue sky, blaring it's rays of light and heat down for hours on the laboring pony. Caked in a thin layer of mud and dirt, she stubbornly refused to take a break until she pulled the last carrot with her teeth from the cool, muddy soil. The mare, eying at her now produce-brimming wheelbarrow, finally rose up, and stretched out her strained back, proceeding to elicit her spine to crack multiple times.
Ahhhhh. That's the ticket...
Her mind slowly formed a consensus to inevitably take a breather and rest her lactic acid-stricken muscles. As soon as she wearily inched the wheelbarrow outside of the garden, she locked the fence, and plopped to the ground outside her garden, closing her eyes to let the earthy smells of the forest envelope her.
To her luck, she finally found a use for the acre that she had been unfortunatly tricked into buying. A seemingly trustworthy salespony had knocked on her door one day and had somehow enticed her into signing a contract for a timeshare plan of some Canterlot condos. The price was very, very cheap, and she was feeling generous that day, so she agreed to the plan. Things got suspicious when she later found out her "condos" were located on the edge of the Canterlot forest, and the salespony had a fake address on the business card her gave her. Grudgingly, she forced herself to look at the positives in her recent purchase of land in the Canterlot hilly mountain side. It gave her a chance to travel to new surroundings if she ever got tired of Ponyville's rural lifestyle, and many ponies of her "economic stature" would kill to see Canterlot's beautiful landscape. The majority of ponies that lived in Canterlot were stuck-up and arrogant, but you can meet some nice ones once in a while. And plus, the mountain climate and soil was perfect for growing rare roots and herbs that would sell for exorbitant prices back home, as some of them are even derived into medicinal drugs and herbal tonics in clinics. The income she was going to get after she harvested her produce from both her Canterlot garden and her Ponyville vegetable patches would also start to give her business enough bits and attention to compete with her friend/super arch-competitor (or to use the colloquial term: frenemy) Applejack, and her apple farm.
She relieved her sun-burnt coat on the refreshingly cool ground and thought to herself, "How could a mare like me get this lucky? Carrot Top, you may have finally outdone yourself! Even after all you've went through, you've managed to create another perfect day for yourself!"
She lazily opened her eyes and her self-imposed state of relaxation suddenly shattered. Celestia was slowly dragging across the sun in the distance, and Carrot Top sluggishly remembered that her train ride back home was scheduled to leave at sunset.
Nearly as fast as Rainbow Dash in a sonic rainboom, Carrot Top sprinted to her wheelbarrow and started to push it back to the path towards the Canterlot city. In her rush to travel back, she accidentally tripped on a tree root as she struggled to push her produce-laden wheelbarrow down a hill, placing her full weight and sudden inertia onto the wheelbarrow. The wheelbarrow finally edged over the hill and raced down to the bottom.
Rising her head off from the ground, her sand-irritated eyes viewed the cart as it was arriving at a sudden curve on the brush-sandwiched road. Carrot Top could only freeze in horror as she realized that if the wheelbarrow continued on its straight path, it would rocket down the mountainside and all the hard work she had exerted to grow her vegetables the past year would have been for nothing. Out of her terrorized stupor, she sprinted down the hill and screamed at the top of her lungs, "Somepony help me! Stop that wheelbarrow!".
Oh who am I kidding. Nopony lives in the Everfree forest or even on the Canterlot mountainside. My life is offically ruined. I'll have to room with Derpy again after my business fails, and I'm not even sure she would be able to. She has a family now. Why did today of all days have to be so horrible!
The futility of chasing after the cart had stopped Carrot Top in her tracks. She collapsed onto the ground and sobbed desperately. After her coltfriend had cheated on her and her own friends rejected her in jealousy when she was the only pony that had been able to grow crops during the Equestria Famine last year, the only thing that held Carrot Top together was her garden. It was the only thing that sustained her during those hard times, both economically and emotionally.
Her garden plot in Canterlot was her only chance to gather enough money to pay rent for her house. She was falling behind on sales and her normal income selling vegetables to restaurants weren't cutting it. Now, her only oppurtunity to preserve her hobby and livelihood had been slapped away from her hooves by Fate.
She truly felt that all was lost.
i'm eager to see where this is going
Is this a sequel?
like I know it isnt but it really seems like a sequel to me
Ah - teeny, tiny nitpick; 'fauna' refers to animal life. That's fair enough if you _meant_ to refer to the animal life, but the fact you use the term 'sprouted' after it would indicate you want 'flora' - meaning the plant life.
Otherwise - this is an okay first chapter, and I can see how it _should_ work. Unfortunately, due to the fact of Carrot Top being such a minor background pony, I just don't _care_ enough about her to feel the level of tension that would constitute your having set the hook.
Her relative anonymity means I'm treating her like a new character - which means I don't know enough about her to care that she is about to suffer a major financial setback. Heck, she's not even in imminent danger (unless you count 'living with Derpy' as hazardous to one's health)!
TL:DR - You meant 'flora', not 'fauna', and either use a main character or develop your chosen background pony _into_ a main character before you try to get your readership to empathise with her.
Wrong tense.
...You haz moi attention.
killto-> kill to
but you can meet some nice ones-> but you could meet...
as some of them are even derived-> of them were even...
attention to compete with her friend/ super arch-competitor (or to use the colloquial term: frenemy) Applejack's apple farm. awww, how nice that she consideres SAA her friend.
Well, I can't rightly form my opinion on this, as it is only the first part, but it looks good so far.
fascinating
Prereader mode, ACTIVATE
I'd sleep better at night knowing you'd swap "wooden" and "creaking" there.
I'd replace "slowly" with "inevitably", and remove the second one. "Inevitably" doesn't make sense where it is.
Man, your adverbs are all over the place!
You're overwhelming me. I tried... Your vocabulary is nice, it just seems that you're too eager to use it all.
^my twin pennies
*reads description*
Awesome! Juggernaut changeling looking to fit in or something. Sounds cool.
*reads disclaimer*
Well, that's a relief. I don't want to see a ship between a juggernaut changeling and.. anyone.
*reads first chapter-not a thing like the description*
*laughs out of confusion for five minutes*
A TRULY poor opening, this has nothing to do with the description. You need to either combine some chapters until you get to the main premise, or seriously re-write this. You're gonna lose a TON of readers with such a weak first chapter, good ideas in your description or not.
I share your opinion about OC not ending up in the friendzone enough. Seriously. Not every single human/pony needs to end up getting in relationship in order to build a satisfying story.
Before I read, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!! FINALLY! A GOOD FIC WITH NO SHIPPING!!!
Sorry about that, I just find the best fics are great but fall apart once you bring in shipping. Shipping:Completely new story focus. Shipping always distracts from the actual story, heck it consumes the story.
Welll...
I liked it.
It's not a "Holy solar-flaring orgasms of Celestia", but it's good enough for the beginning.
Fate, why you such a mean pony. Huh? Why?
Great chapter.
EDIT: Woops, commented twice on the same chapter. Silly me.
Bad Luck Carrot Top.
1421829
Not every fic can be Fallout Equestria
Anyway, onto commenting!
I liked it. It may have needed some more as first chapter, since, as has been mentioned, nothing actually related to the fic's promised contents seems to be happening yet, but nonetheless, it's a nice start.
And now, as promised, the grammar nazism, and other remarks. Though I see 1319960 already commented on the "killto" error, and you seem to have ignored that... please do fix it.
> blaring it's rays
"it's" means "it is". The possessive form of the word "it" is "its", not "it's".
Any time you write "it's", try expanding it to the full "it is". If it doesn't fit, you probably meant "its".
> The mare, eying at her now produce-brimming wheelbarrow
While both "eying" and "eyeing" are technically correct, I still think "Eyy!-ing" is what The Fonz does
> would killto see Canterlot's beautiful landscape.
As already mentioned, you forgot a space after closing the Italics tag.
> her friend/ super arch-competitor
Either use no spaces around the /, or put one both before and after it. Since the second part is multiple words, the first approach is advised.
> the only thing that held Carrot Top's together was her garden.
The ['s] behind Carrot Top seems completely unnecessary. There's no need for possessive there.
1771225
Yeah sorry. The "it's" thing was purely habit. I always seem to type it even when I don't want to, so please bear them with me in the future! I might not be able to edit them all!
And thanks for getting some of my errors, and moreover thank you for liking the story! I hope that I can please you guys with the future chapters, and the next story I'm working on.
And another thing, I know that the first chapter was suppose to be ABOUT the story, but I wanted to separate them into two chapters. Ergo, the "part 1" and "part 2". So they might not be related (seemingly)
Sorry about my personal quirks!
1771225 wrote : "While both "eying" and "eyeing" are technically correct, I still think "Eyy!-ing" is what The Fonz does "
And if The Fonz ever did make it to Equestria... give him a few months and there wouldn't be a single virgin mare 18 or older left in Equestria, except filly-foolers.
^_^
^_^
[youtube=http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KN45uptfg0s]
*reads first chapter*
*loves it already*
O3O
1919326
Gulp.
No shipping? Not even a little bit? ....well might as well give a couple chapters a read i guess.
1921331 NODS ENTHUSIASTICALLY! O3O
Started to read the story and saw this
....
FUCK YEAH not every story needs romance or should have romance.
Now to read the actually story.
Why is it that almost every time I read this somewhere, I feel the need to crack my own back, and then proceed to sound of the 21 salute with my spine?
This is delicious. I'll be reading on.
wasn't
weren't is for plural
wasn't is for singular
Poor Carrot Top.
1919326
oh, that made me think of that silly Fonz cartoon...
i still laugh at that silly scene with Cupcake:
Fonz tells Cupcake to look around to see where (or when) they wound up.
Cupcake walks through the wall.
Fonz whistles.
Cupcake walk back through the wall and says, "yes, fonz?"
Fonz says, "how many times do i have to tell you to use the DOOR like everyone else?"
"oh, sorry," says Cupcake, then walks through the door!
Fonz makes a face, then opens the door by snapping his fingers.
a dumb cartoon, but it had a few funny moments.
A friendzone fic? Hey, everyone needs a break. Let's go!