Psychology Doctor Lillypad is an earth mare who wrote the series of books "The Reproductive systems and mating rituals of sentient species". A very in-depth research of the sexual anatomy and habits of several species that roam Equestria.
She proclaimed herself as "Equestria's first sexologist" and now tries to help creatures with their relationship, sexual health and identity issues. "Try" being the key word, mostly because being the first hardly means being the best.
"Sex is disgusting, dirty, dangerous, mundane, corrupting, unpleasant, sweaty, tiring, lovely, great, delightful, unique, breathtaking, kinky, intimate, orgasmic, pleasurable, and with Celestia as my witness...
It's also extremely funny."-Dr. Lillypad
P.S. This story has heavy sexual themes and explicit depictions of sexual anatomy and behavior, none of it is intended as erotic or pornographic. Should something more risqué be written, I'll increase the rating from T to M.
P.S.S. Comments with opinions, suggestions, critiques and such are appreciated. Thanks for reading!
Hi. This is a good story, and is well written, but I'm an automatic proofreader, so here are some alterations for your consideration.
Did you mean "It's far from a secret, actually."?
Did you mean "I love all you ponies"?
Did you mean, "No, I didn't sleep with Flurry, I swear!"?
If you put a comma between "told you" and "or you would've", it'd make this more readable.
Also, a comma between "about anything" and "and I failed", and another between "as your friend" and "as your sister"
Did you intend to put a second "you" here or something?
Consider a comma between "admit it" and "but intercourse"
I think you mean "within marriage" or something along those lines...
IDK why "common" is in there, and I notice there's an accidental '"' at the end of this line.
"in his arms"
If you want, you can share the next chapter with me over Google Drive, and I'll proofread it for you. (just make sure to give me "Suggestion/Comment" permission.)
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Thank you so much! I'll fix it all up right now. You were super thorough and I really appreciate the help!
I'm naturally bad at punctuation and my lack of attention makes me make all sorts of weird mistakes, you probably noticed missing or switched up words were a common theme.
Obviously I'll gladly accept your kind offer. I'm almost done with the next chapter actually, I'll dm you the link as soon as I'm done.
I hope you liked the story and thanks again for the support!
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Turned out I fixed the mistakes you pointed out, a few other I hadn't seem before, slight changed a part and even added a new small (very silly) tidbit. I wish I had done that before so many people had read it.
Oh well, c'est la vie
Thanks again!
Does she have an endearing little old lady German accent, by any chance?
I have a few thoughts about this opening paragraph. 'Much needed' needs a hyphen. 'The then doors opened' is a broken sentence (what were the doors before that moment if they weren't doors?). And finally, holy god is this pacing rushed. We went from Twilight sitting on a throne, to someone showing up, to Twilight feeling impending doom, to Gallus showing up all in a single paragraph. Take more time to set the scene, this is your first paragraph! The first paragraph needs to grab people by the balls, not push them towards the exit.
That was quite rude of Twilight Sparkle to just call out Gallus like that in public. Also, why is Twilight Sparkle being openly hostile to this Dr. Lillypad when you haven't established the relationship between Twilight and Lillypad? Surely you'd give us some exposition explaining their hostile relationship before showing us this massive break with Twilight's character from the show.
You have a question mark and period at the end of this line. Delete the period.
I have no idea what is happening. We started off with Twilight Sparkle sitting on her throne after clearing out some time to meet someone. One would think she's sorted out what this guest is visiting her for so that she doesn't waste Twilight's valuable time. Some expository narration and taking the time to set the scene is desperately needed at the beginning of any story and this is why. I'm hopelessly adrift watching Twilight vent her spleen on a gracious guest for vaguely explained reasons.
Who said that? Why isn't this paragraph tagged? 'The dragon lands again'? Is this Twilight Sparkle saying Lilly's last conversation with Spike was about the dragon lands? Like, I get that expository dialogue needs to flow naturally and characters can't overexplain things, lest their conversation sound unnatural and forced. But this is where narration is super-helpful in unfogging the plot for the reader and your story is in dire need of it.
MIssing capitalization.
Replace 'none' with 'not.
...an intrusive favor. Always change the article to 'an' when the next word starts with a vowel.
Dude... What is this spelling?
I think that's enough editing to get my point across. This work needs a lot of editing. Time to read through to the end...
Some worldbuilding headcanon. Neat.
Anyone else notice how fictional races tend towards apartheid state practices and no one bats an eye? Like, imagine if the United States introduced miscegenation laws to prevent Black people and White people from breeding. Not a look, Cadance! Yoru, my man. The only reason you don't have more downvotes is because no one has yet looked into the subtext as deeply as I have.
You need to be more careful about the message you're conveying to your readers. Princess Cadance is enforcing racial purity and enacting laws to enforce it while no one reacts like this is strange.
This story was baffling from start to finish. I was okay early on before Spike showed up but after there three characters in the room instead of two, the lack of paragraph tagging took an already frustrating reading experience and pushed it screaming off the cliff into Incomprehensible Canyon. None of the characters act in canon with the exception of Gallus who just serves the role of one-dimensional cardboard cutout. He could have been removed entirely from the story and it would have benefitted the overall work. And while I appreciate the satirical nature of this story, I think the themes put forth by this work were more than you were willing to wrangle with and so too much goes unmentioned.
This story needs an awful lot of work and you sir need to start focusing on the fundamentals of creative writing before attempting something like this again.
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No, I though of her more like a little insane and hyper Coco Pommel.
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i.ibb.co/9yCYhHB/o0V9huk.png
Just kidding, I appreciate the honest feedback. It's very clear that my grammar is somewhat abysmal even without my head skipping words altogether, and I still not 100% on the rules of writing but I'm trying to learn. (Not as hard as I could because to me this should be fun before everything.)
As for the rushed part of the story, no surprise there actually. I cut a huge chunk I had previously written before to "focus" on the story I wanted to tell, which revolved around Spike and all.
You mentioned how some parts were confusing and lacked explanation, such as Gallus, Twilight not liking the main character and even why Spike likes her. These are things I wanted to explain later, what I was calling "mystery" you saw as confusion and forced. I was trying to instigate curiosity, I may not have done it properly.
About the racial thing, I cut out the part explaining why they didn't want Kirins because I assumed people would clearly see the problem. I was wrong unfortunately. You read way into it, there is no theming of any sort in this story and the issue with Kirins was that they could turn into Niriks and set everything on fire essentially, which is why Lilly mentions working with Spike's daughter:
So anyway, I'll try to fix the mistakes you mentioned (Thanks for pointing them out btw), and maybe try to improve some things here and there, but overall, even though I appreciate your opinion, I don't fully agree with it. I'm sorry you had such a bad time reading it but thanks for reading it anyway, hopefully I'll get better at with time. I'm open to learning more about the fundamentals of creative writing, but I might not do it soon or even follow it after I do. All I know is that I'm already attempting something like this again and by golly I'll keep doing it.
I'm not that bothered by the dislikes as I joke to be, as long as there's more likes than dislikes and people favoriting, and tracking the story, I'm good. I don't try to hide the truth, I'm no literally genius, I'm lazy, my grammar should be better, and most of all:
Thanks for reading it and for the feedback, AJA. I really appreciate it. 😘
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You can do mystery all you like but if you don't establish what is in front of the reader at the very least, your "mystery" is indistinguishable from laziness and/or ineptitude. I'm not saying you need to explain everything right up front when it isn't necessary for me to know, but as the author you need to keep me informed with what the main character does know! Do not waste the reader's time for the sake of pulling a JJ Abrams on us!
You do understand that in the United States, it's considered being a Nazi to suggest that maintaining White people as the majority population is important? Seriously, apply Cadance's actions to real life and people would lose their minds. Yes, you absolutely need to consider people's feelings and the meta of politics when writing fiction because the characters in their fictional universe are ultimately meant to be analogues for actual people. You need to hold people's hands and spoonfeed them. It's a lot of work and yes, it's tiring as hell but I bring it up because these things matter.
That's a real shame because you've got a lot wrong with how you approach creative writing and a hell of a lot to learn. I can't force you to actually better myself but I can at least appreciate the fact that you replied in a somewhat passive-aggressive but reserved tone and didn't just freak out and delete my comment. Good luck with your story.
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I can see what you mean. I'm not sure how to do it well yet. I'll try to improve at my own pace and maybe I'll get it right soon. Also, I'd hate to be like JJ Abrams so your argument is even more valid
It really was all about a bunch of angry kids setting fire on everything, I know they have crystal houses and whatnot but they must still have a lot of flammable stuff around. I removed a part where it said that Spike wouldn't like to go out making children like that and they would cancel the thing, which Cadance didn't want to happen because she already knew it was strengthening the crystal heart. It felt like too much so I took it out, no racism was intended at all. But now that you mentioned it... A racist Cadance could be really funny... X3
Again, I have idea what I'm doing, I just daydream these stories and then I try to write them down as I remember. (Which never worked, it always becomes very different). I'm interested in improving but I don't want to approach it too hard, I want to take it easy because this should be a way for me to relax and have fun without worrying much.
Also I swear I wasn't being passive-aggressive at all. I might had given that impression because I'd like to joke to make things seem less serious, call it a coping mechanism if you will, I've always been like that. So I totally understand how you saw it as me being dismissive of your suggestions and passive aggressive, but I was just trying to "improve the mood" in a way. I wasn't just trying to be funny to dismiss your comment, pinkie promise!
P.S. Sometimes I write stuff in the middle in the night with my mind feeling kinda woozy or something, mostly terrible stuff comes out of those sessions. A good part of this was written when I was in that state. XD
I truly had no problem telling who was talking despite what others might say. It was clearly Twilight and Lilly talking and any time a different character spoke up it was clearly labeled unless a primary talker switched. While this is/was in need of a proofing/editing any faults in narrative or world building can be addressed in a later chapter.
If we ignore grammar and spelling this was a nice short read.
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Thanks, I'm happy you were able to enjoy it. No matter how many mistakes I fix, there's always a 100 more that go unnoticed.
I hope to make less mistakes with time. We'll see.
(Maybe I could even google how to properly punctuate...)
I wouldn't mind more mixed-race couples. As a side note, Twilight is sheltered af. Her parents didn't tell her, Celestia didn't tell her and Shining Armor was being his overprotective self by not telling Twilight anything. A bit of a hypocrite if you ask me. Then again... Twilight's hyper-focused on her studies so of course, she wouldn't remember anything about sex 101.
Doc Lilypad needs to invest in sound-proof windows. I wonder what she did to make most of her clients hate her.
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She's not a good therapist for once. She also often find ways to attract the ire of other creatures, its in her nature.
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I see. Keep up the good work.
Proofing and critiquing this chapter for you, after our conversation on Discord...
(And let me just reiterate, I really like what you're doing here, even though I'm going to criticize a couple things I think you could've done better.)
"Come on in!"
"expensive."
"we ponymorphs were just as curious"
Comma after "not that curious" and "we love" shouldn't be past-tense.
Thorax's diction is way off here: he has a wimpy way of talking, not a formal one. Try "We're so different from how we used to be" or something...
Did you mean "Pharynx sprang into action"?
Something reads off about this whole thing... Like, I see you were trying to have her say that he shouldn't force this because Pharynx needs to admit it for himself before he can heal, but it's not said well here. Also, there's a clear typo where you meant "only then can _ be helped", and it should probably be "a creature" or "he", not "the creature", because of the context.
Once again, diction: Pharynx probably wouldn't talk like this. He'd probably drop the "So you see,", as that's a formality, and bluntly state the rest.
This broke her character a little for me, because I felt like you were playing her up as a competent psychologist, and a good therapist wouldn't likely trick the patient like this, especially not when he's kind of already said it. You could've had her bring something up like "how do you know she doesn't feel the same? Perhaps if you asked her she would be interested in trying something.", but instead it feels like you've sacrificed a part of the portrayal of real therapy for a joke... (that is, unless you're not trying to make her that competent, in which case, carry on)
Try switching "girl" with a more adult word like "mare", see if that improves the diction for you.
At first I was questioning the use of "mushy" here, but then she said this, and this is a great line.
I'm also questioning the thing where you've got Pharynx embracing this term: he doesn't seem the type to care about "politically correct" terms. It's very Thorax, but I can see Pharynx not caring and it being Lillypad who tries to keep the term going. Granted, you've already written this, but it's a thought I keep having.
The punctuation should be a period after "like that", making "Be patient, my patient." it's own phrase. Though I will say, most therapists who deal in sex are very practiced with changing things like names, genders, and other terminologies with their patients.
Yeah, but think about if he did share his genitals with her? She might totally go for that, right then and there.
GIGGITY.
I love a happy ending!
Anyway, that's that chapter. If you'd like to send me the next one in a Google Doc over Discord, as we discussed, I'll give it this sort of treatment with comments and suggests and you can take them into account on your own proofing pass. Keep up the good work! :3
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Hey there, thanks for the feedback, I've already corrected/changed the things you pointed out, and also thanks for the compliments, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Yeah, I'm trying to go on the direction that she's not a good psychologist nor a good sexologist. I wanted her forte to be a biological approach, which is why:
He already did.
(It was for science/documentation though.)
I kept imagining creatures being scared of "changelings", so for them it was more like a PR move than a pc thing. I had this idea and I thought it would be fun to make it super annoying the frequent corrections. So imagine that before that, other
ponylingsponymorphs annoyed Pharynx into embracing the change.Initially I planned to write "chapters" as segments of Dr. Lillypad's book on each race, describing how their reproductive systems worked, describing mating rituals and possibly even their genitalia (Risky move). I even had a few made up scientific species names like "ferus caballus mutabilis". It would've been a lot of work to make and not much fun to read, so I decided I wouldn't do it.
There were several
And yeah, I'll run the next chapters through you for sure. You've been very helpful. Thanks!
That was weird and random I love it