Not My Destiny
by Smayds
Appendix I: Self-Critique
Hi there, everypony.
Let's get this out of the way first: I can't write. I'm not a professional writer. I don't even think I qualify as an amateur writer. But I do has prettie drarn gud spellung and. grammar, which'll be fairly helpful to me if I decide to bash out fanfic after fanfic.
I started writing this story around the premiere of Season 2 last year, but whether it was before or after The Return Of Harmony aired, I couldn't tell you. Basically, I was looking for fanfics of Twilight suddenly getting wings. I don't know why that is so relevant to my interests, but if I had to hazard a guess, it would be because Twi's my favourite character and I really wanted to see her with no physical or magical limits. I couldn't find any, not one! I'm sure there are loads of them out there, but the only other two I've seen to this date are The New Princess and Responsibility, and before I found either of those, I decided that if I wanted to read about Twilight as an alicorn, I'd just have to write it myself.
This story is essentially one enormous wish-fulfillment fantasy. It's far too contrived. There's really no drama aside from the constant cliffhanging, the big world-ending plot-point (which was conveniently resolved with no real effort), and Twilight having something in her head that keeps trying to get her to kill her friends. I think I only started writing this story because I really wanted to see Fluttershy flying into battle on the back of a dragon. And as for THAT scene... There was no reason for Pinkie Pie to have flown back with Rainbow Dash at all, she just got to sit on the third dragon for the hell of it. Kinda stupid too, as Pinkie hasn't got wings herself, and the back of an airborne dragon, even a temporarily tame one, is no place for a pony that can't fly.
And the dialogue. The dialogue! Of all the worst things that could have been written! This! Is! The! Wait, wait, my fainting couch is in the shop getting a service. Moving on. A very wonderful anon called Anon pointed out to me the obvious word for multi-party dialogue: polilogue. A wonderful word, and I just can't write it. (Well, I can write the word itself, but not polilogues in the abstract. Good grief). In conversations between groups of characters, most of them tend to get forgotten or given out-of-character lines just so they have something to say. I am TERRIBLE at this. I'm surprised I never put in a few lines like:
"Hey, we're here too!" Dash exclaimed. "Don't forget about us just because you're shit at polilogue!"
"Yeah, ya schmuck! What are we, invisible or something?!" an out-of-character Rarity agreed, gently and bloodily inserting her horn through the fourth wall and up the author's left nostril.
So I'll have to work on multi-party dialogue. I'll have to work on it a lot. I should watch some of the better "everypony says something" scenes in the show itself...
But I guess the real, real reason I started writing this is because I've always wanted to write... something. Somehow, I found the motivation, I dreamed up a crazy story that could never work, I threw in every single cool thing I could grab from the show so I wouldn't have to come up with my own cool things, and then decided to never, ever post this story anywhere.
And then, reading Responsibility by GaruuSpike just before Christmas, I saw a story that I considered to be far, far better than my own. "Someone else wrote my story!" I whined to myself. "They wrote it far better than I ever could!" Then I calmed down and stopped being a selfish little twat, and decided that I would offer my own take on the "Twi's got wings, woo!" story. Perhaps because I had no idea where Responsibility was heading, but I was sure that it wouldn't be "end-of-the-world."
Anyway, this is my little story done and dusted. There are two alternate endings still to come. One's a gag ending, so we'll all see if I'm better at comedy than polilogue (answer: almost definitely yes. That doesn't mean I'll be funny, though). The other one is the grimdark end-of-the-world ending I originally had planned out, but then couldn't write because it was too depressing, but then wrote anyway, because the idea of what would have happened in the library if Applejack had actually hit the wall at nearly a thousand miles an hour was far too tempting not to explore.
And on a personal note:
I have to admit that I was completely blown away by the response that this crappy little fic received here at FiMFiction. In fact, I'm rephrasing that. To say that I have been blown away is an understatement, a vast, gaping monstrosity of an understatement. I like this place, it's comfy and cozy and you can put your hooves up and enjoy a cup of cocoa any time you want. I really think I'll be staying.
You are, all of you, the most incredible and amazing people I've ever come across online.
-Smayds
January 2, 2012
what are you saying? this story was amazing! if anyone can't write, it's me, just look at my story. considering cancelling it. anyway, that was one of the most original and well-written stories i've read!
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This story was quite good, there certainly were points that could use polishing, but wouldn't hesitate to say that it was enjoyable and pleasant along with highly addictive and... umm that word that means you want to keep reading besides addictive.
This isn't crappy! What would make you think that?
You sell yourself really short.
While admittedly this isn't the greatest FIM story I've read it's really good, specially for being your first work. Keep up at it, you have potential and it would be a shame to let it go to waste.
Brohoof brony.
The one rule telling you that you are a good author,
Your writing is never good enough for you no matter what other people say
Don't sell yourself short, yours is th the keyboard that will pierce the heavens. Seriosly though it was an amazing story and I hope you write more.
Just like with any author or artist, they always see their works as sub-par, but that's what makes good stories and art. Seeing it as never being good enough while not being dragged down by that is a defining quality in always making yourself better. In fact, I hear that they train them to think like that.
Just don't look back on this 20 years from now or you will go crazy from it. Apparently, the older the work, the worse it looks to the author/artist.
I'm not going to gainsay your self-assessment (though I think you're selling yourself short), but this was a very entertaining story. I've been thinking a lot about themes of power and responsibility and what those might mean to Twilight in my own story. I think that the idea of Twilight as a powerful being is so resonant because the show touches on it occasionally and gives us just enough hints about what might actually be behind her eyes to really set one wondering.
Anyway, uh, keep writing, cause this was really fun!
102540 No, I am the one that sucks out of everyone... I just can't believe that my latest story actually got some good marks for once... *sigh* I was wrong all along. You do get better at things if you just try!
~ Fearanger, Master Shape-Shifter of Canterlot
The first step to writing a good story is coming up with an interesting idea to base the story on, which you did. And lots of people wanted to read about it.
You most certainly have a point if it comes to the lack of Twilight gets an alicornfics. It's just like Twilestia-shipfics, you think they're plenty of them, but you have to search for hours to get ten of them... (Happened to me today.)
Anyways, I loved your writing style and the pure awesomeness of an unstoppable Twilight! (Yeah, you're not the only one, who likes that)
But, there is something I wanted to add:
I had the feeling that you didn't really want to write on at some point, or just wanted to end this as fast as possible. I think that point was at the incident in the library, as Twilight nearly smashed AJ into ponypulp. You've got absolutely every right on the earth, to say that you suck at polilogues, although I think that the most readers noticed it just after you mentioned it in this AN.
I wrote it like four times in the previous chapters, but I'm looking forward to the grim-dark ending, because I don't like the (Hey I've mentioned that before, too!) immortal and lonely forever crap.
Have a nice day. Oh and a happy new year.
102549 nice XD. but yes this story was amazing. i mean my story is probably the worst story ever of all time im considering canceling it.
102549
I agree with this guy. Bravo
From my perspective as a reader, the story was great. Which is to say, I had fun reading it. That's what really matters, right? And I'm sure your next stories will be even better, since you're obviously driven to continuously improve your writing. Here are some more stories for you that deal with Twilight gaining wings or becoming otherwise overpowered in one way or another, since you said you liked the idea:
SPOILER WARNING, since it doesn't come into play immediately in some of them.
The Empty Room
Backwards Through the Mirror
Your Best Shot
Spark
(And I'm tracking Responsibility and Not My Destiny, too, so that makes what.... six Twilight-becomes-awesome stories. Can you tell I have a thing for this premise? )
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You should stop be belittling yourself so much, all I see in the comments (besides grammar nazis) is praise for your work. I wish you could view your work as the people who read the story do, I feel it was a very well written story, although slight pieces could be polished, but every story is that way.
None the less your story is very compelling and was very fun to read
but god why? is cliffhangers your favorite past time or something
I loved your story, I'm glad you posted it, Alicorn Twilight is best pony.
This is not the best I've read, but you just said you are not a writer, and this is a good enough story anyway. Very few people writing fan fiction are real writers, but we try our best, we help each other, we learn from others. (I can't write AND my spelling and grammar are subpar at best, Celestia bless my editors).
You should totally try writing something else with Twi, your ideas are interesting.
If you think you can't write, then I don't know who can. You, sir, have written a story that held my attention better than most stories I've read.
You know you can't finish a sentence with the word: and.
Lawl wut?
It definitely could have been executed better, and not felt as rushed, and had less cliche. But you know what? Buck it You did a good job, and it was entertaining to read. I approve.
The best Twilight-becomes-an-Alicorn story is still "Spark" in my opinion, even though it has a different focus. The epilogue deals with the topic of immortality in a fantastic way and shows exactly what Twilight has to go through.
This story here is a close second though. It has a very good flow with a lot of humor in the beginning, slowly getting more serious, up to an epic conclusion, not dragging out any more than necessary. The part of the dragons could have been a bit extended though, as you said it yourself, it didn't make much sense for Pinkie to be riding a dragon and the dragons didn't really do much.
I think it showed that this was a story you really wanted to write for yourself and that is a good thing. Keep writing like that!
My philosophy is that fanfics are supposed to be fun for the writer first, and if it happens that any readers enjoy them too, that's just a bonus. It seems like you wrote something that was fun for you -- and I, for one, had fun reading it.
Besides which, if you look at a lot of the very amateurish stuff that comes through FIMFiction on a daily basis, I think you'll see just how inappropriate it is to apply the "crappy" label to your own story. (Is there any way to filter stories by rating??)
AS for myself... I've thought of myself a reasonably competent writer, and I'm working on a couple of projects that I think will be fun for me. However, I was just reading "The Empty Room" by Wanderer D (which also slips in a Twilight-as-alicorn element) and thinking to myself that I just can't match the sort of sophisticated, multi-threaded, multi-styled plot that he's woven. Mine are simple-minded and linear by comparison. But you know, I guess I'll keep banging away at them anyhow.
102731
This, pretty much. I'm not going to throw empty praise; being critical about your work is important* and it'd be a disservice to tell you it couldn't have been done better. That said, it was an enjoyable read and I'm not complaining about the result.
* Sadly, I enjoy my own writing far too much than is healthy
I find the author has some sense of self honor and I am quite surprised! I was planning on doing a critique, but the author just picked everything I was gonna mention and explained it rather well. Some of the stories did drag on, and Deus ex Machina had a major role in this story which is something that I would rather not be in a story unless you can really pull it off (eg. Celestia regrows Fluttershy's wings... That's a bit of a far-cry) and who was gonna get hurt and how was a touch predictable but other than that this was a brilliant story! I don't tend to add Grammar to my critiques because I don't care much for grammar, as long as it does not interrupt my reading I could care less to be honest. Very good show and thanks for stealing my critique!
102648
^ that
This was a very enjoyable read and I'm glad that you decided to post this story. I can tell that you put a lot of heart into this. You wanted a Twilight-becomes-all-powerful fic and you made it happen, not everyone can say that. You also too the chance to post it on here for your fellow readers to read and give feed back, that takes guts and I applaud you my good sir.
This is something that I could see you rewriting later, if you ever felt the need to as I think when you have more experience you can make this fic better than what it is now. Make no mistake, I had a lot of fun reading this and I enjoyed it greatly :D. I'm looking forward to the gag as well as the gridmark ending that you have planned. Laugh before Cry :c
Have a good one. :D
Your story was amazing keep on writing makes me wonder
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You, sir, are too hard on yourself. You learn quickly, significantly improving your skills over short time. As I said, both you and your story are amazing.
And thank you ever so much for posting the 'good' ending first, for that's how I'll remember it now.
And, sorry to stress out, but word 'polilogue' isn't that rare and unique...
Anyway, I most certainly wont read two other endings. I want to remember this story as it is. But I will most certainly keep an eye out for your other stories, if there ever will be any. All of us will. For we are anonymous, and we are many. I am sure, that your fanbase is larger, than you think. Good luck in your future endeavours and thank you a lot for an amazing story.
you sell yourself way too short
this story may not have been the greatest story I have ever read but it is very good, at least in my opinion, of course I did manage to force myself to read the Twilight series, bucking brain wouldn't let me just blindly hate it like everyone else, anyway you did very well especially for your first story
Honestly speaking? This was not the best I've read, and it's nowhere close to it. On the other hoof, it was very enjoyable, and I think you aren't bad at what you do.
Keep practicing.
I gotta agree with the above. While the plot was quite simple, and at some point a bit strained (yeah, it felt a little weird to me too that Celestia regrew FS's wing just like that), it was very, very well executed, and the final defeat of the Lunacy was beyond awesome. I agree that you have something to improve upon (like you said, having characters talk, and talk in-character; also, getting more funky with plots, with spins, twists and shiz), but that comes with practice, and observation.
I definitely have you on my watch list, so keep up the awesome work, good sir, for I will be delighted to read your next stories!
hey thats what we do and that was a good story
Stick a bunch of bronies together and everything gets better! Writing, reading, TV... this story here was great even if there wasn't a fan base to hold it up. I've read published novels worse than this. You know what, I'll cut to the chase. This. Story. Is. AWESOME!
Of all the good stories possible... This. Is. THE. BEST. POSSIBLE. STORY.
Was this your first fic? If so, kudos! I'm learning from writing my own that actually taking the idea all the way through to the end is a major accomplishment in itself, the fact that you did so and made it work is even bigger. The biggest admonishment I'd have for you would have been to not let it go to your head and stop trying to improve yourself, but it seems you already learned it
I hope to see more from you in the future my friend!
I still hope to see the grim-dark ending.
You should totally make a squeal, possibly trying to make her friends immortal. I don't know anyhow if not at least make another fanfic, this was amazing. [Luna smiling emoticon goes here]
I agree with you in most of the complaints, the dialogue was weak at some points, the details were few and far appart, and the story was kind of rushed here and there. Still this was a great first fic, just look at the reception it received. I think the concept of the story, plus the constant upload is what kept people coming back for more. I can't wait to see your other work, if you write anything else, I can see you improvig greatly over time. You should still go back to correct and improve some points of this story and reupload it in a "improved" version. Still that is all up to you, it seems like a lot of work, but everyone will be thankful. Great story, keep it up, and thank you.
Rarity's horn up your nose huh? You are one lucky guy...
Damn you are modest.
I for one enjoyed reading your story. So I take my hat and salute you!
That "Rarity" line about polilogue... I need to towel the juice off my monitor now.
I can't write.
Bullshit. Do yourself a favor and revise the question. It's not, "Am I writing?" It's, "Am I writing well?" Is this the best I've ever read? Nope. But you have solid diction, a pretty good grasp on character, and the ability to turn an "awesome" idea into something other people felt compelled to read. Any ol' schmuck can hammer out a fanfic (and too many do), but it takes some measure of skill to build a story. You have a good start here. Keep going and see what worlds you can build.
Sincerely,
A fellow (overly) self-critical writer
Edit to the above: "Is this the best I've ever read? Nope, but it was well worth the read."
Curse thee, nonexistent edit button!
@Smayds Try not to disregard simply because TL:DR, I as do many of those here, wish to maybe give some advice and watch you further grow your skills as a writer.
You will always be your hardest critic when it comes to your own creations. You have to be aware that we don't expect you to be a shining author, no one here really is. We're all just fans writing about what we share a common interest in. Giving our different takes and viewpoints on ideas and developing those ideas into cohesive stories that can paint wild scenes through interpretive imagery and clear dialogue is something that everyone will struggle with at first and will only get better with practice. You've made a strong first impression and the development of your writing skills is clear to see as the chapters progress. And with everyone who shares their creations and ideas with the world, they must be prepared to deal with the criticisms that follow, which you have dealt well with in your comments section. I'll give you a little pro/con from my point of view on the story as I view it so far. I won't be considering your alternate endings, as those are to stories as deleted scenes are to feature films.
Pros: You took a premise that has been covered before, Twi with wings, and took off in a completely original path. 100% original story lines are hard to develop from a very saturated Fan Fiction community, but you've done well in creating a story that I haven't yet seen before, and you've executed it well from start to finish. You've taken the original cast and played them in such a way that didn't follow the straight and narrow that so many people have chosen to do, but you've ventured off and created unique little quirks for some of the cast that posed an excellent comedic juxtaposition to a serious scene or helped to damper the usual banality of their typical roles in these sorts of fictions.
Cons: Don't take these statements to be an attack on you personally, these are just a few issues I found with the writing. I'm not going to offer you plot development ideas, as that is the job of pre-readers. I found a few chapters to transition in a very disjointed fashion. There were points where a plot developed into the apex of its action and then simply stopped, without much of a welcome deflation to the scene. Imagine a fade wipe verses a straight cut in between a scene. Those left little bumps in the cohesion of the story and interrupted the flow slightly. I won't address the dialogue issue as you are already aware that it needs some practice. Back-story and adequate information on the driving factors of your Fic need some polishing. In particular, the Lunacy. A great concept, one that many of us thought we knew what it was, but I for one was sort of lost when it became a physical and living embodiment of who knows what. Elaboration needed.
You have promise and a drive it seems to explore writing as a hobby and maybe more. I am incredibly curious to see your future endeavors and have thus earned yourself a "watch". If you need proofreaders or anyone to just ask for advice, feel free to PM me or anyone else who offers. This community is always wiling to help and feedback is invaluable to the development of a good story.
I agree with you on grammar and spelling, I'm poorly trained in that art but manage to pass, barely. Reading your self-crit I can se where I'm going or have made mistakes in my fic (no, I'm not posting til its done.) So, I can now watch out for those.
Other than that, Wow. I've read very few where Twi turns Alicorn, and in everyone she gets violent either way.
I look foreward to reading more of your work, should you continue.
102562 The artists sees all the flaws of his work. As simple as that.
I've got a *Totally* Not sad story called To be an Alicorn
I repeat... N-Not S-S-Sad *Sniffle*
Bad author? I scoff. From now on, I'm watching you, remember that...
(clap clap)
Soooooooo i need MOAR STORIES NOMNOMNOM
polilogue reminds me of poliwag... dear lord... save meeee..
toupee or not toupee.... that is the question....