After getting mail from her brother, saying that he’s going to come over to her house, Andromeda quickly tries to get ready.
Soon, she realizes that both her and him have changed a deal.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 8th Sep, 2018
- offline last seen 10 hours ago
Dashie04
Your friendly neighborhood writer of entirely too many trans ponies! (Dashie | she/her | Discord: velvetred2004 | pfp by Malphym)
Dashie04
Joined 8th Sep, 2018 ·
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Hey there! I found your story through the I Just Want A Comment group, so here I am with a comment!
I like the idea of this story, siblings reuniting for the first time in years and confronting the trauma of each others’ absence. I thought you did a good job of sowing how Almach hasn’t been around in a while, which made some of his cluelessness more believable.
It was an ambitious choice to use OCs for this story. Probably necessary, since I can’t think of a canon set of siblings who would fit here. That does bring the challenge of establishing your characters and their relationships, and I think that’s an area that could use improvement. This story hinges on the strength of its characters, after all. For example, Almach uses the word needn’t, which is not a word one usually uses in conversation. It has an air of superiority, almost snobbishness. But that’s not really the kind of character he is. Neglectful, maybe, but not snobby.
I found it odd that Almach doesn’t seem to know what happened with Tirek. Even if, somehow, his own magic wasn’t stolen, it seems impossible that he wouldn’t have somehow learned about his hometown being wrecked. That he doesn’t follow up to see if his family is ok says a lot about him. Even in the initial conversation with Andromeda, he doesn’t seem very interested in finding out where his parents are, since he drops the subject the moment Andromeda changes the subject. I’m not sure if that was intentional. If it was, that’s good character building, but it doesn’t really mesh with his concern later on when he learns the truth.
OCs are hard, and you’ve done a decent job. I think a good next step is to really define personalities and motivations, and make sure those qualities shine through. Good luck!
11141347
Thanks for the comment. Even if this story is not one of my better ones, you still took a significant chunk of time out of your day to do this.
All your point are mainly stuff I agree with, though my biggest problem with this story is oddly not mentioned. It’s the suspense of disbelief issues I feel like this story has.
However, I mainly wanted to point out one thing, I find it a little funny that you said that using OCs was an ambitious task, when it’s something I do in basically all my stories. These usages can range pretty wildly. It’s nothing for or against the critique, I just found it funny that you mentioned that when using OCs is basically all I do.
Regardless of all that, I will take this into consideration for my next stories.