Rainbow Dash performs a Sonic Rainboom at the Young Fliers Competition to save Rarity & the Wonderbolts
This is taken from S01E16 - The Sonic Rainboom, however I wanted to write it from Dash's point of view and describe what she was feeling at the time. Sorry for the lame title, but it's late at night for me, and I'm tired :(
Just a tester story with two main purposes
1) To tame whatever writing skills I can muster using any constructive criticism I can get
2) Learn how to portray thoughts in a more orderly fashion. Currently I'm using italics, but personally I think it's a little messy.
Chapters (1)
Constructive criticism is actively encouraged.
Although advertising not so much
I kinda did something like this a while back. Just check my profile.
the idea wasn't meant to be original, I was just looking for some advice and criticism
I have quite a few ideas I'd like to get started on, but first I want to make sure I'm not about to do an awful job of it ;)
Well, I'm surprised nobody's commented on this yet at all. Well besides the one spambot, but you can't do anything about those.
The concept is a tried and true one; there's been a few fics that I've personally seen that cover the inner monologue of Rainbow during the Sonic Rainboom. This one doesn't really break the mold. It's a very straightforward depiction of what Rainbow probably was thinking, and there's not a lot of real further development of Rainbow's character. And that's also fine, because there's not a real need to develop her character more, nor is there a lot of room to develop her.
Therefore, what we are left with is a very descriptive account from Rainbow's point of view with a lot of excellent imagery. The description of the sound returning after the Rainboom, and the many different things described in the descent were all very evocative and I could imagine everything very clearly even beyond what I saw from the show; I could see them through Rainbow's eyes. All of this makes a simple yet very strong piece that was very enjoyable to read.
However, I had a few issues throughout. First, the Mechanical Issues. Take for instance this:
"By now, Rainbow's wings were aching, but she ignored it, pushed higher and closed her eyes."
There are so many clauses in this single statement that it comes out very broken up and stop and start. There's a few instances of this where the clauses are so short that they and combined where it would make more sense to simply create multiple full sentences and flesh them out. Going back to the above example, it might flow better and be more understandable as "By now, Rainbow's wings were aching, but she ignored it. She pushed higher and closed her eyes." Even though the sentences are still very telly vs showy, just dividing them like that creates the individual ideas rather than a list of things happening in succession.
The oxford comma tends to appear and disappear in your lists throughout, and since you utilize quite a few lists its quickly becomes apparent that its not consistent. The above sentence does not use an oxford comma, however it appears in other places such as "It was a horrible, high pitched, and very, very loud scream". I'm not typically one to be grammar nazi, but the inconsistency stood out to me enough that I felt the need to mention it.
Going back to the previous statement, there's a few issues with telling vs. showing. The up front wording you've put into many of Rainbow's paragraphs make it feel as though you, the author, are simply talking at us, the audience. You're overall descriptors for the environment, for the world and events are full and excellent but it seems when you're describing the character's thoughts and feelings it comes up short. Things like "By now, Rainbow's wings were aching, but she ignored it" and "Pride was what Rainbow Dash felt", these are missed opportunities for the embellishment that is elsewhere in the piece. Simply saying that her wings are aching doesn't have the same impact as Rainbow's wings throbbed in protest as she pushed herself higher and higher. Just as an example. But there are a lot of instances of show vs. tell and I would encourage you to go through and find those places where you are just stating what is happening instead of describing what is happening.
However, there's also the opposite issue involved in the story where there's simply unnecessary descriptors, or what I like to call groaner lines. They are the lines that feel like they are being delivered to a five year old because they might not pick up on the subtlety of it. The show itself is pretty good about avoiding these, but there are a few scattered about this piece. Places like "It was like it was in her dreams, only now this was real!" It just makes the statement feel wooden and unnecessary.
As for the italics, its a fairly universal symbol for an internal thought or statement. I don't really mind the italics, however you do tend to run multiple thoughts in the same paragraph when a line break would help the clarity. Places like
"“In History, maybe!” Rainbow Dash retorted, her voice breaking slightly “See you boys at the finish line.” She grinned, radiating confidence and cheekiness. Rainbow Dash sighed inwardly. I could do with some of that confidence right about now".
This could have certainly used a line break before Rainbow Dash sighed inwardly as its a separate thought. The same goes for a few lines later "I've got to do it for them, for my friends, for Rarity. It's the only way. Rainbow Dash gulped. Somehow." There are a few of these. Also, "Satisfaction. She thought" does not need the She thought at all.
Of course these are my opinions about mechanics and flow, and you are more than welcome to take them or leave them at your discretion. I think you have a great grasp on making descriptions interesting and engaging and if you work on your character development and branching out from the canon and what is set in stone, I think you'd be able to do a lot. I hope this helps you and even if you disagree with specific examples I hope you'll take the overall critiques to heart.
Good luck to you,
-Duskrider
1291751
You, sir, are genius
This was exactly what I was looking for
Never have I been more pleased to see a wall of text criticizing me! When you said developing and branching out from the canon, it opened my eyes a little. I always considered canon to be Divine Mandate, I suppose. Straying too far away spells no surer demise.
But that said, it's also unimaginably flavourless
Thank you :3
I'll give those commas a revise, and if you think the italics worked, than that's both my aims for this story achieved
Now I can start on something more serious, more original, and maybe less canon
1292201
I'm glad I could be of service, and I'm glad you agree with my opinions as well.
I would caution you about how far you stray from canon. Directly contradicting canon is EXTREMELY difficult to pull off well. Expanding on canon, developing canon, branching off from canon that's not been developed much in the show are all very good ways to apply your view and perspective to add something of you to the world and I would encourage that wholeheartedly.
I do wish you the best, because it looks like you'll make some great things.
-Duskrider
-PS I also find it funny that in the time it took me to write up my first reply there were 4 replies. Oh well, I often have a lot to say.
*Dwarfish accents*
FANTASTIC
1359985
Fluttershy with a Dwarvern Accent? Oh my...
Thanks for the reviews on this, everyone! This has been an excellent start and I look forward to completing more works - I have a HUGE idea list, so I'm just debating where to start at the moment
Really impressive, always wondered what would have happened if they all died instead but this is a nice take as well, other then changing beforehand to hoof you done seriously very well, I'm very impressed, loved it
2563510
Oh, this old thing? It's not even worth the praise.
Still, it had a purpose, and it fulfilled that purpose very well. Now I don't suck at writing.
2564071
That's funny as hell and nah, you do not, you done seriously very well with your writing.