Time Is a River, and I'm Sopping Wet

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Twilight tries to lose her virginity through time travel, and fails.

~~~(This~is~a~way~to~write~crossed~out~text~so~it~looks~different~even~if~you~download~a~story~as~a~plain~text~file.)~~~

_{August 6th Update/News: I guess it turns out this story will probably be an entry in "The Twilight Files Contest," if I don't write anything obviously more suitable in the next 40 or so hours.}

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Comments ( 9 )

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Mockingbirb

Mockingbirb #1 · Jun 14th, 2022 · 3 · 1 ·

(This comment was me accidentally touchng the wrong button.)

FanOfMostEverything

FanOfMostEverything #2 · Jun 14th, 2022 · 2 · 1 ·

Elegance is a very beautiful pony...who lives alone with her cat. I've never seen her so much as go on a date. I don't think she's the best pony to ask.

Pretty sure that bit should've been sent to a dermatology journal. We'll need experts to properly appreciate that burn.

And yeah, these are the kind of circumstances where I can accept Twilestia... though I have to wonder what happened to the other alicorns.

Also, Twilight's definitely going to regret this when Best Pony re-enters the timestream. There are more "accidents" where that came from...

Delightful madness. Thank you for it.

Knight of Cerebus

Knight of Cerebus #3 · Jun 15th, 2022 · 3 · ·

I discovered people arguing if Twilight SparklexPrincess Celestia is the worst ship ever

Point me to these uncultured swine.

Starlight Nova

Starlight Nova #4 · Jun 15th, 2022 · 1 · 2 ·

Twilight tries to lose her virginity through time travel,

Why would she want that?

Mystic Sunrise

Mystic Sunrise #5 · Jun 15th, 2022 · 1 · ·

11272094
Love makes you say and do stupid things. The other alicorns might still be alive. Future Twilight and Celestia might have just forgotten about them.

Mind Jack

Mind Jack #6 · Jun 18th, 2022 · · ·

The format of Twilight writing to a magazine is pretty clever. Makes the story feel unique.

This honestly could have used more description though. Some visual humor to break up the dialogue.

I did get a few laughs out of it though. Overall good.

VeryDeadlyBee

VeryDeadlyBee #7 · Jul 6th, 2022 · · ·

JAMBALAYA, EAT IT!

Mockingbirb

Mockingbirb #8 · Aug 6th, 2022 · · ·

11272094

And yeah, these are the kind of circumstances where I can accept Twilestia... though I have to wonder what happened to the other alicorns.

Maybe Luna married Cadance and moved to the Crystal Empire, so she's no longer in Equestria? Or maybe I'm just enjoying stacking up the silliness. Really, a few thousand years in the future a LOT of things could have happened.

There's also that little "mutually eligible" issue. You can hardly expect Celestia to marry her own sister, for example.

Bicyclette

Bicyclette #9 · Sep 12th, 2022 · · ·

I've read stories ~~~like~~~ rather different from this in your journal, but I never thought something like this could happen to me.

well that is certainly one way to begin a letter...

"But this time, it'll be different!" I insisted. "Last time, I traveled to the past. Traveling to the past is almost guaranteed to go wrong, because the past has already happened. But if I travel to the FUTURE, there are no preexisting events to disrupt."

yeah but then to get back you'd have to travel to the past of that future! think Twilight, think!

"If advice is what you want, you could ask our friend ~~~Rarity~~~ Fashionable Elegance. I'm sure she knows a thing or two about--"

hehe, i do like this fake name for Rarity

"Elegance is a very beautiful pony...who lives alone with her cat. I've never seen her so much as go on a date. I don't think she's the best pony to ask."

nothing wrong with living alone with a cat and never going on dates

"I'm fine," he said. "It's just...I was wondering about something. How large a gem do you think an engagement ring should have? And does it count if somecreature else found the gem, and you just dug it up for them?"
"I have no idea," I admitted.

love how Reading Light just breezes past this without acknowledging any of it, just as she should, just as we all should

"My SEXLESS state. There, you made me say it. Now do you feel better?"

Twilight down bad (also weird thing to talk about with your little brother who is pretty much a child himself but that's just me)

(barometric pressure changes significantly from one day to the next, and the odds of a randomly chosen time far in the future having the exact same weather conditions are very unlikely)

yes, yes, mechanics of time travel

"You might think so," my much older and larger self said. "But we two are by far the oldest mutually eligible ponies who exist. When it comes to choosing between cradle robbing somepony far younger than myself, versus romancing and taking to bed somepony who was ONCE my teacher, long ago...well, after enough thousands of years have gone by, that changes things, you know?"

i mean this is true but the context of this conversation is all very strange

My older self added, "And I'm thousands of years older than you too. Although I know how to bring you pleasures you can scarcely imagine, I don't think you could handle them. You'd probably become some kind of time travel addict, coming back again and again to beg me for another go-around."

i don't like this :( selfcest is supposed to be nice, not about weird power dynamics!

(And had anypony helped me try to relieve even a little of my stress? No, they had not.)

i do not like incel Twilight at all!

the prose here really didn't fit the supposed format of being a story recounted in a letter. it just reads as standard first-person prose instead of something a character in the universe wrote themselves, which is all the more jarring with how strong of a voice the unsympathetic character selectively has.

some good ideas here, though, and if your goal was for reading this to be an unpleasant experience (a metacommentary on the unpleasantness of the ship or arguments about it?), then it certainly worked!

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