Conman2005
Joined 28th Mar, 2021 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Have you considered... not colored text?
It's a great start, just a few typos but other than that I like the setting and story so far.
11431237
I have but colored text helps me differentiate characters
11431248
Dialog tags and context clues should be enough to differentiate your speakers.
11431248
I agree, sometimes I get confused when characters sentences talk at the same time, and I don't know whose sentences belongs to who. Like "The Bridge: A Godzilla-MLP Crossover" they use colored sentences to remove the confusion of who is talking.
11431250
11431253
Yeah I will try to just use uncolored words and if it dosen't work I will go back to colored text
An interesting start. I wonder how she will react to the Great and Powerful Trixie?
I did catch a few uncapitalized letters. But not bad.
11431372
I'll do you one better how will she react to starlight as in my universe starlight is the arch traitor.
And in the 40k universe blood angels have a little something called the black rage.
Where they see horus in everyone
The correct pluralization is "butterflies".
And so, Angel Bunny finds his true master
Ya knows it's a war when PinkiePie join the fun
Calling it now,
Rarity is the cause for Sweetie
11431511
Ahh no she landed on nuceria and similar thing happend to her as they happend to angron.
She was meant to be one of the most compassionate but nuceria broke that
11431378
Oh shi……
Now that I have read the chapter. For the Kahn! Sad to see who the traitors are.
11431551
I'm sad for most of them.
I think Rose is going to have a bigger shock when she meets Twilight.
11432197
Yeah she doesn't know who twilight is as all she's ever been is the empress.
As soon as she sees the wings horn a purple fur she's gonna freak
11432198
I wonder if a primare can actually faint. considering what I know of Warhammer the answer is no but humor value may overrule that.
11431378
But isn't Starlight mostly shades of purple?
11432284
Yeah but she is much lighter than twilight and the hair will also differentiate her
You had my curiosity sir but now you have my attention
Love your story. Keep up the good work!
After seeing who the traitors are I really hope our space Marine will change the future
Wait wait wait wait gentleman I think we're forgetting something which is extremely important how do you think she would react to Discord
11432419
same here
11432420
Oh I have plans for that
But not well us the answer
And now there's something going to get off my chest Angron had the best reasons to turn traitor and hate the emperor
11432427
Yeah he was kinda driven insane by the nails
11432428
And you have to consider the fact the emperor kidnapped him and left his comrades who he considered brothers and sisters to die even though the emperor could have easily saved them
And also I know this is your story but I feel like I need to put in my two bits Spike makes more sense to be Gulliman and rainbow dash makes more sense to be Leman Russ
So this is overstepping my bones this is just what I think
11432557
I approve of this plan
This is going to be both tense, and awkward.
Especially once that helmet comes off.
Some work to be done but not that bad. Will say writing out the sounds is not the best to be done over and over, better to describe it, so when you do use onomatopoeia it stands out.
Would also recommend spacing your paragraphs out more, they seem a bit long as is and it’s easy to get lost. Second, describing the areas is a good idea because this is someone who hasn’t been there before, so it makes the person seem more real, while also fleshing out the world.
11433345
Thank you for the advice I will try and do it
11433062
Yep surprised I'm technically your daughter
11431378
I'm calling it now, they're version is called the "Bat Rage". And I'm all in for this story.
Also, quick question, you're giving each Primarch an equivalent in the story, right?
11434538
Yep I am giving all an equivalent just some are ocs because twilight would have met more people in 40 thousand years to base them off of
Also they do not call it the bat rage but they do turn into bat ponys
11434540
All right, good to know.
Though another question, you didn't mention 1 (2, technically) traitor and 1 loyalist Primarch equivalents on the list at the Author's Note of Chapter 2.
The first being Ferrus Manus of the Iron Hands (Loyalist). And the other being Alpharius and Omegon of the Alpha Legion (Traitor, they're twins).
I have to ask, are you keeping them hidden on purpose or something else?
Because if it's something else and you're capable of telling without spoiling, I'd like to know who they are.
(Personally I'm assuming Applebloom is Ferrus for CMC and immediate family are loyalist purposes while Pumpkin Cake and Pound Cake are Alpharius and Omegon because Pinkie is a traitor and they're twins who were raised by her partially, though this is just me as I don't know the answer).
11434651
I will be honest I completely forgot about them
But applebloom being ferrus really fits
Not sure for alpharius and Oregon but not pound cake or pumpkin cake
personally i prefer konrad curze for fluttershy, though angron could work before the nails his abilities were based on empathy and could take others pain away,
loyalists, sanguinious works very very well, but i can also see the lion for her as both live close or in the forest .
11437560
I also picked fluttershy because of bat flutters and how the blood angels have the red thirst
Pinkie pie as mortarian I am sorry but I don't see it
11446289
She wasn't meant to be like that like the original Mortarion the planet just messed them up
I find it impressive how you managed to butcher the 40k novel intro lol
I really enjoying this story I'm sad it is well gone silent I hope it gets it's resurrection
Update When?