"This'll only take a minute..."
“Hello? Is anypony there? I heard the ‘click’ thingie and it stopped ringing, so I thought I must be connected.”
“Hi there! Welcome to Equine Solutions Inc, making perfect products for persnickety ponies since the Ancient Chaos Age Of Discord…”
…That seems rather an odd fact to boast about, but anyway… “Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle and I am calling in regards to…”
“...Please listen to the following options… If you want to report an issue with one of our high quality goods, please press one. If you would like to know the nearest store where you can buy any of our fine market-tested items, it’s two. If you are looking to work for us at a highly competitive salary, it’s three…”
Oh great, I forgot they’d probably be a recorded message. Just what I need when I have a kingdom to run, a dragon to feed and a bath running upstairs. This’d better be quick…
…For any positive or negative feedback about your experiences with our wholesome, family-run business it’s seven, and for general enquiries about anything generally, it’s eight. If you wish to hear this message again, it’s nine and if you want to hang up now, it’s zero.”
Wait a second. What’s the point in allocating a specific button to hanging up, when I could simply put down the… you know what, it doesn’t matter. 1, 1 please! Why you have to wait until the end of the message before you can press the button I don’t know, but at least I don’t have to listen to all that nonsensical jibber-jabber agai…
“Hi there! Welcome to Equine Solutions Inc, making perfect products for persnickety ponies since…”
I pressed it! I pressed the darn button! I even did it twice just to be sure! Oh, fiddlesticks! Now I have to start again from the blasted beginning. That’s two minutes of my eternal existence I’ll never get back. At least Spike can’t hear me use such terrible language inside my own head…”
“Um, Twi. Getting kinda hungry here.”
“Yes, I know Spike… but this phone call is kinda important, and would be over much quicker if they’d only hire somepony competent enough to manage their overflowing menu system! Also, the faux chirpiness of the ‘we’re-happy-to help’ voice of whichever individual they hired to record this endless list of options is a real pain in the… flank.”
“Strange. I thought you liked lists.”
“Yes, yes I do Spike. But not all lists. Just like you don’t like all gems. Emeralds, for example?”
“...It’s not that I hate them, but they give me gas something awful. Not very nice when you’re doing your morning squats in front of the mirror.”
“Er, I believe the colts and fillies these days would describe that as ‘TYI’, Spike. Why don’t don’t you go back into the kitchen, and I’ll be over there in just a sec to reach up and unscrew that jar full of jewels? This won’t take much longer, I’ve been pressing ‘one’ repeatedly since that stupid message restarted itself. I will not be denied!!”
“...Well anyway, good luck with that. And I can undo the container myself, it’s just located on a much higher place than I’m used to. Like, two metres from ground level. Practically a mountain. Why Starlight had to reorganise the entire layout of our shelves when she moved in, I don’t know…”
“I had to give her something to be getting on with; I don’t want her to get bored and relapse. Much better she ‘establish her order’ on the way a room is presented, than on innocent ponies confused about their Cutie Mar… oops, ssshhh I think I’m finally getting somewhere with this impossible company. This may come as a surprise to you, but I can be very pushy when I want to be.”
“Where’s the surprise…!”
“Sorry Spike, did you say something?”
“N-No, I was just wondering where the pies were. You know, in case I don’t get to eat any gems today because you’re spending so long on that phone.”
“ ‘Pies’? But I’ve never known you to eat one of them in your lif… oh, hi! Am I finally through to somepony? Because I’ve been standing here for the best part of ten minutes, twirling the phone cord around my hooves like a cat’s cradle, when quite frankly I’ve got much better things to…”
“Show me the meaning of being ppoonnyy…”
Oh great, now I’m in a queue… and forced to listen to a cheesy pop song I absolutely despise. I’m sure if I was twelve again and considerably less academically gifted, I would’ve fallen hard for The Buckstreet Stallions. But their out-of-sync pre-pudescent warbling just reminds me of all the late nights I was kept awake by my less talented peers playing their lovelorn dirges until the wee small hours, when I could’ve been studying instead. All those ponies who swear your school days are the best of your lives? Take it from somepony who knows… they’re not.
“Hi! Thank you for holding on the line, and being so patient, Your call is very important to us, and we’d just like to thank you for taking the time to contact us today. We’ll be with you as soon as we can, and…”
Blah, blah, blah. There now follows a robotic statement rivalled only in its insincerity by its utter ingenuity. If you’re going to pretend to care, at least hire somepony who seems interested and doesn’t sound like he’s talking through his muzzle. Seriously, just get on with it. What could be taking so long…?!
“...And now, back to the music. Trot by Trot, ooh filly, gonna get to ya ggiirrlll…”
You know in hindsight, a lot of these old songs seem a bit creepy, considering the target audience. Especially this one, from New Colts On The Farm. I wonder if any of the parents back then even glanced at the lyrics… arrgh! I’m getting sidetracked again! “Just shut up already, would you! I hate this generic music, and just want to talk to somepony, anypony…”
“I’m sorry Miss, but I personally don’t select the musical tracks that are playing whilst our valued customers are waiting in line. If you want I can pass you straight over to our media department, where such indispensable decisions are made.Transferring you now…”
“No!! I-I was just shouting at the phone in anger, because I’ve been on hold to talk to an actual living, breathing pony for the last twenty-five minutes! I-I didn’t actually mean…”
“Is that so… may I ask you madam, do you often yell at inanimate objects who won’t talk back?”
“W-What? No, of course not! I am a very sane, rational… look, you’re distracting me from what I rang you to talk about, which wasn’t your choice in background music and definitely was not regarding a psychological profile of my coping mechanisms! Can I please just get right to the point?”
“Please do Ms, after all it’s what we’re here for. To listen, learn, improve and service our invaluable clientele, who’s very bits are the lifeblood we survive and thrive upon.”
“...A bit dramatic, but never mind. I am contacting you today in regards to a specialist horn-polishing cream you sold me, down at my local Barnyard Bargains shop. You see, the problem with it is…”
“Let me just stop you for a second there, Ma’am. I have never worked for, nor as far as I’m aware has any member of my extended family, ever worked for ‘Barnyard Bargains’, so it couldn’t possibly be me who served you. I don’t even go there for myself, as the name of the place would suggest I need ‘Bargains’ in order to remain financially solvent, which I assure you, under my current generous salary my wonderful company gives me, I most certainly do not require.”
“Stop fudging the issue! I was referring to your ‘wonderful’ company as an single entity, not you specifically. If you’ll just let me finish, I was just about to inform you I recently underwent a big change in my life, and make a lot of public appearances for special occasions so it’s essential I always look my best. The front of your product clearly states and I quote ‘Will Make Your Horn Glimmer And Sparkle’, but in reality it…”
“Excuse me for butting in once again, but I forgot to ask you for your name. All calls are recorded for future training, education and potential lawsuit purposes, so I need to know to whom it is I’m speaking to so you can give your permission. May I enquire as to what it is?”
“Oh, of course. My name is Twilight Sparkle, or ‘Princess Twilight Sparkle’ if you want my full title. You see, the ‘change’ I referred to earlier was regarding my transformation into an alicorn, so now my horn is bigger and sharper than ever, it’s an absolute must I keep it in premium condition…”
“Wait a second. Did you just say your name is… ‘Twilight Sparkle’? And one day you just so happened to turn into a ‘Princess’?”
“Yes, I do believe that’s what I just told you.”
“So, a member of the royal family uses one of our least expensive budget products, calls us themselves instead of relying on one of their hapless flunkies, and wants a refund on it when they’ve probably got oodles of cash lying about their fifty-foot castle?”
“N-Now hold on. The only part you were right about there is when you said I live in a castle. Everything else you said is just not…”
“....And your supposed name ‘Twilight Sparkle’. Is it a coincidence that you're calling us at ‘Twilight’, about a cream that’s supposed to make your horn ‘Sparkle’?”
“When you put it like that, I suppose it does sound a bit odd. Here’s another strange fact, I have somepony else who lives with me called ‘Starlight Glimmer’, like it also says your product will do to my horn in your commercials. Only problem is, it…”
“Oh right, sure. Next you’ll be telling me you cohabit with a dragon, saved the world from absolute destruction thrice and this ‘castle’ you live in just magically appeared one day from nothing. And it’s made from indestructable crystals! Am I getting warm yet?”
“Erm… as a matter of fact… everything you just mentioned there…”
“Okay, ‘Twilight Sparkle’ or whatever your name is… I’m going to ask you this one time and one time only…”
“Yes?”
“Is this a prank call?”
“N-No!! I am phoning because your wholly inadequate horn polish turned my horn green. I look absolutely ridiculous! I can’t open the new star observatory in Ponyville looking like this! They’ll think I’m a martian! I want to know what you’re going to do about it right now!!”
“Hmm, okay. I’m beginning to get the picture. Alright, if I may make one final personal query, what colour is your mane and fur?”
“Different shades of purple and lavender, if you want to be specific. Why did you need to know that?”
“Nothing. Just trying to picture you with purple fur and a green horn. I can see how that could clash quite badly, especially if you’re in the habit of kissing foals and christening ships during your day-to-day routine. Okay then, ‘Twilight Sparkle’, this is what I’m gonna do about your unfortunate situation…”
“Finally. Better late than never, I suppose, seeing as I’ve been on this line for the best part of an hour. Come on then, I’m all ears.”
“…Have a good laugh at your expense after this phone call, that’s what. If you magnify the telescope at this alleged ‘observatory’ you mentioned the size of a millionth of a grain of sand, you still wouldn’t be able to locate the damn I give regarding your tragic predicament. ‘Princess’, indeed. Go bother other more gullible ponies about your made-up problems, because I’ve got better things to do. Thank you for utterly wasting my time, and please don’t call again.” Click.
“B-But I… you… grrrrrrr.” A very irate Twilight Sparkle (turquoise horn and all) realised she’d been abruptly cut-off...
CRASH! ...A few seconds before a glass jar could be heard shattering in the background, as an increasingly impatient Spike tried and failed to reach his precious jewels by balancing himself precariously on the edge of a wobbly chair, quickly followed by...
SPLASH! ...A veritable tsunami of water cascading down the stairs, caused by an unattended bathtub that had now flooded most of the second floor.
Forget about that from way back in the fifth paragraph, did you? Don't feel too bad... so did Twilight.
It never rains, but it pours sometimes. Literally, in this case.
But Twilight wasn’t about to let this go. For as much as she could be classified as a benevolent, generous, selfless leader, she did have a breaking point.
Hear that loud snapping noise? The mad cackling? See her left eyelid twitching? You know what they say about the nice ones…
Another less well-known phrase (mainly because there's not too many of them around) is 'Never Seriously Tick Off An Alicorn'.
Uh oh.
**********************************
Much further afield in the busy office blocks of Manehattan, It’d been a good day on the phones for Big Hussle. He’d managed to avoid distributing at least a dozen refunds for clearly faulty products (including to some old geriatric mare who’s alleged wrinkle-remover had made her face resemble that of a century-old tortoise), given a rude prankster both barrels straight to the jugular and even pocketed a loose bit of change a careless colt had dropped on his way back to the jungle gym.
If I keep up the exceptional graft for the rest of the week, the boss said I may get the key to my own executive washroom. He mused confidently later on at home, blowing out his candle before getting into bed. Just think of it… private showers, chequered floor, soap dispensers that actually work, and I’ll no longer have to put up with Shady Deals telling me all about his new swimming pool in the opposite cubicle. He can lord it up all he wants, but I’ll be the one who makes vice president before… huh? Who’s that banging on my door at this late hour?
He swiftly grabbed a lantern and put on his best polyester dressing gown, before going to see who it was. “Who are you four weirdos in cheap fancy dress, and why are you bothering me in the middle of the night for candy? It’s a bit early for Nightmare Night, isn’t it?”
“I can assure you sir, this armour is not ‘fancy dress’, but our official palace uniforms. And we’re not here for ‘candy’ but for you. Please step forward; we can do this the easy way, or the hard way.”
“Hang on, you can’t just… hey, what are those hoofcuffs for? Where are you dragging me off to with all the neighbours watching… and what’s with those sharp spears…?!”
Needless to say, by flagrantly trying to resist arrest, he soon got the ‘point’.
Looks like it was ‘the hard way’ after all.
“OUCH!”
Yes, I did write this because I had a very bad experience relating to one of these call lines today. 
No, this is not a bizarre way at all for me to let out my latent frustrations. I've already headbutted the wall, punched a cushion and jumped up and down screaming at the top of my voice, so I thought this might be good as an alternate kind of therapy. 
Did it help? A bit. 
Hope you found my pain amusing. After all, someone's got to. Till next time then... 
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I LOVE THIS
11768050
So do I. I am immensely proud of it. Even if it’s not my most popular work on here, it’s my most favourite one-shot I've written in a while.
Letting you know
Someone once spent ELEVEN DAYS on hold for a call
Just saying
Wow
"Your call is very imporant to us"
3 DAYS LATER
Damn. And I thought scammers giving scam calls were punchable.
11768201
In a way, I wish I'd have been kept waiting for 11 days. At least I'd have had a break from the bullsh*t.
11768245
All of us probably sometimes wish we could revenge on these patronising, unhelpful, irritating call-people. Well, Twilight has the motivation AND the means to do just that. My private fantasy brought to life? Never!
Well, the muzak ones you at least know that you haven't been disconnected. The silent ones are worse.
11768303
True
11768303
But i do remember that there are humans on the other side
They may be having a bad day
This is definitely one of the coping methods of all time. Reminds me of Kitboga's recent scambait videos.
Call center losers should be dealt with exactly like those jackass self-fulfilling rhyming fortune tellers.
BRUTALLY.
If only....
Life ain't fair.
11768489
That's the same excuse I hear when people defend telemarketers. And I say this. No. These things are not human. No. They do not deserve anything nice.
11769586
I disagree
Sometimes there is a reason for why they do it
Not always good but a reason
11768717
Uhhh no?
I dont want violence!
11769587
Yeah. They're scumbags with no redeeming qualities. Maybe not all of them. But those who defend their existence are a very small minority compared to most I think.
11769593
Well call me a minority then
Because im not gonna harm them
Yes i do not like em but i aint harming them
Telemarketers hate their job too. Their being ordered to do what they do and be unhelpful. The corporation that controls whether they pay rent and eat want customers to give up. So the workers need to do facilitate that.
It's either be useless and make people upset or lose your job, and you probably can't get another job after being fired and oops homeless now.
Plus alot of telemarketers actually do help. It's the automated voice system that's evil and that's not their fault at all.
Hate the company not the worker
11768456
... Pardon?
11768489
It'd be nice if they didn't spread their 'bad day' vibes onto me, thanx.
They get paid to a job (not very well, as seems to be the case a lot of the time) so perhaps they should leave their personal life at home if that's the case.
11769331
Darn. I could've just saved time writing this story, and carved that three word adage into rock with fifty-foot high letters and it would've gotten the point across just as well. But hang on... that would've taken even longer, so...
11769593
Let's take a poll... *Gets pelted with rotten vegetables and bricks* yep guess you're right.
11769635
As soon as I have a productive encounter with one, I'll come back and agree with you and maybe we can share some common ground.
Until that great day arrives though, I can go by my personal experiences which have been total...
so far. Sorry.
11770992
When you're on hold. After several minutes of silence, you have to wonder "Is anyone still there?"
These days, they mostly don't do that anymore.
11770992
True i wish that is the case
But i guess sometimes people just wanna watch the world burn
11770994
Just a joke. You said the 'silent' ones are the worse, and I was pretending I was getting one from you. Unless you knew that already...
11771021
In Roughing It Mark Twain said something to the effect "If you don't tell people you're being sarcastic, they'll never figure it out." (He spent years working as a reporter & columnist. )
Recorded reading this for the audiobook version to come soon.
How ironic that I also had a bad call center experience today.
I felt like I was able to channel some of that frustration in my voice.
11799457
As Carrie Fisher once stated so accurately (although, I'm pretty sure she was talking about something else) 'turn your broken heart, into art'. If your undoubted suffering helps to emphasise Twilight's suffering at the hooves of a Class A jerkface... then maybe it was kismet. Destiny. A higher force telling you things were Meant To Be This Way. Wow...
I look forward to listening to your production in all it's high-budget glory, but as a tightwad none-subscriber it seems I'll have to wait a while longer (any 'advance preview privileges' for the original authors of your audio dramas? Didn't think so.)
11800109
Not really the reaction I expected, I guess you live up to your name. I checked my DMs, to make sure I did ask you for permission.
I wouldn't say what I do is 'High Budget'. I put the effort in with the tools I have. I spend more to sustain this as a hobby then I I've ever made in return, still hoping to break even 3 years later. Of course as the author, you will get to hear it, as soon as possible. But I haven't finished making it yet. I still have to do the editing to make it more then just a live, raw, unpolished reading. I plan to do that today or tomorrow, just before my paid access to the Artlist.io, music and SFX assets expires. Can't afford to resume my subscription to them until the next fortnite.
I wanted to ask you also, what the songs are that you are referencing in the fic? So that I can see if I can maybe re-record those parts, singing it correctly.
11800137
Hi again. Don't worry, it's all in fun and I am very pleased you considered my story good enough to read for your channel. Of course, I think that about everything I write... but others are entitled to disagree.
I watched your trailer and was impressed at the amount of effort you put into that alone, so I can't wait to see what you have planned for the fic. Hope it all goes smoothly, and there are so unintended hiccups. HIC! HiC HIC!!!! Oops.
The songs I spoofed in the text are 'Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely' by The Backstreet Boys (who've been in the news recently for all the wrong reasons) and 'Step By Steps' by New Kids On The Block (They've kept their nose clean, as far as I'm aware. Good lads!)
Probably showing my age a bit with those obscure references to 90's pop, but I'm not yet 40... honest! I'll speak to you again later, just gotta grab my pipe & slippers and do my daily workout... ouch, my aching back! It's a good job writing is such a sedentary pursuit...
P.S Just out of interest, what reaction were you expecting?
11812337
Thanks, dude. The world shall know my genius... which will make it... perfect for the taking. HAHAHAHA *burp*
Your call is important to us, so please stay on the line.