Me, Myself and I

by Cynical Page

18 - Fifth Human Found

"I need to go walk my - my erm - toes? Yeah. Too busy to talk though. See ya."

He hardly made it three steps before he felt himself nearly being pulled backwards off of his feet. He turned to see Rainbow angrily pulling on him with her teeth, letting go after he slowed down.

"Dude! Don't ditch us like that, we were just saying hi!" she complained.

"Not to be a prick, but I don't get the most pleasant of feelings being around you guys. But sure... 'hi'. Hope you're doing good and stuff. Can I leave now?"

Rainbow looked slightly hurt for a second. Fluttershy quite literally seemed to attempt to hide behind her mane.

The prismatic horse drew level with him, switching to a determined look. "Okay - I promise not to bother you right now, but you have to promise to hang out later! I still haven't gotten to meet you, dude!!"

"You had plenty of chances already, I thought."

"Not really, I had Wonderbolts training to oversee and only got breaks to come back to Ponyville. Even then it's only because Celestia needed me there, too!"

"Still, this rubs me the wrong way." Joey grunted. Did they come all this way to find him?? There was no way.

"Joey..." Fluttershy began to say, and Joey looked irritably in her direction. She looked slightly frightened and hesitated, but spoke anyway. "Can you just talk to us?"

"Or what?" Joey scoffed. "You'll just forget again. You always did. Stop acting all nice all of a sudden, it's pissing me off."

Rainbow's eyes widened for a second, as if she seemed to have finally understood something. She looked around sternly at Fluttershy. "Hey, Fluttershy...? Don't talk to him right now."

Joey and the butter-colored horse looked at Rainbow in shock.

"Wh-what?" Fluttershy said timidly.

"Just trust me on this right now." Rainbow replied steadily. She then turned to Joey, looking quite serious. "You and me. At the bar a block from the main plaza tonight. You know where it is?"

"I... think so?" Joey said blankly.

"Cool. Be there at six, okay?"

"But that's when I eat dinner with -"

"Please. Be there," Rainbow looked dead serious.

Joey hesitated. Did he dare take the chance? After all, Rainbow had basically told one of her best friends to shut her pie hole. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to at least hear her out.

"...Are you bringing her?" he asked, gesturing to a hurt and bewildered Fluttershy.

"No." Rainbow sighed. "Just you and me."

Joey swung his arms around in a circle as he made some irritable half-turns on the spot. "Alright fine! Six o'clock then."

This caused Rainbow to grin. "Sweet! See ya then, dude! I have to go, though - official Wonderbolts business, heh."

As the two pegasi headed off, Joey watched them go trying to make heads or tails of what had just happened. Either way, he refused to go back on his word. Tonight he would be meeting Rainbow Dash for the first time.

---

Excusing himself from dinner had been an unexpectedly easy task. There was no hiding the truth from Cadance, as much as he might have bothered to try. For some reason, she seemed to be oddly excited about the whole thing.

Now he was standing outside the pub near the town plaza, - there was only one, so it wasn't hard to find - and for some reason he couldn't rack his brains for any excuse not to enter. Maybe he was on the defensive, but why shouldn't he be? Save for a handful of ponies he had every reason to want to avoid any chance of a "friendship".

Inwardly groaning, he entered the building. Instantly he drew several stares, but none of them were unwelcoming. After all it would take some time for anyone to get used to an alien walking into a bar.

Heh. Sounds like the start of a corny joke.

The pub was a little larger than he thought it would be; to his left it appeared to be dedicated to a sit-down restaurant. To his right through a double doorway there was the bar. Around the corner and towards the farthest wall he could see Dash waving him over.

"You came!" she exclaimed happily as Joey took a seat across from her.

"I promised, didn't I?" Joey grunted. He tried to make himself comfortable, but he was suddenly feeling an odd amount of anxiety.

"You disappeared, dude." she replied with a huff. "I didn't know if you were gonna stick around."

"What did you want to talk to me about, Rainbow Dash?" Joey deadpanned. Right off the bat there was already tension.

"Woah, no need to get mad. I just never had the chance to talk to you before this." the prismatic pegasus said defensively, raising her hooves. "I just want to hang out!"

"Sorry, sorry." Joey sighed.

"Hey... what happened to you, dude? I remember one of the arguments from back in Ponyville between you and Clara. I kinda feel bad for not saying anything." She looked him up and down. "Then when Bill came and told us that you just disappeared everypony got scared!! Plus look at you! You definitely weren't that skinny before you left!"

"How do you expect me to answer that?" Joey replied shrewdly, looking over the drink menu. "I'm not exactly eager to tell you all my deepest secrets."

"...I saw the magazine."

Joey froze. "What?"

Rainbow looked... sad? What was that expression? It didn't suit her. "That magazine with that article about you. From the movie makers in Las Pegasus, I think? What were you doing there?"

"Trying to advance a career." Joey replied bluntly. "Had a good laugh over that, did you?"

"What?? Dude, no!!" Rainbow exclaimed heatedly, drawing many startled looks from nearby tables. "It made us all worried sick!!"

"Who is 'us', exactly?" Joey asked curtly. He got the strangest feeling that Rainbow would be just like her friends. Appear to care, then be fake when it matters most.

"Everypony in Ponyville, duh! Don't you -?"

"Liar." Joey interrupted coldly, starting to feel angry.

Rainbow took a deep breath. "Sorry... I got carried away. I'm not agreeing with you by the way!" She added quickly as he began to open his mouth. "I'm not sure what exactly happened since I wasn't there for a lot of it, but... I don't know why the others sided with Clara so hard."

Joey sat up straight. "You... don't think Clara was worth siding with?"

"Buck no. I mean, she has her own problems to get through. I get that." Dash explained, leaning back. "From the sounds of it though she was just being a -"

"Jerk? Moron?" Joey butted in. His opinion of her was improving greatly.

Rainbow grinned slightly. "Yeah, that. Drinks are on me dude. Wanna talk about it?" She waved down the bartender and ordered two beers.

"Oh geez... where do I even start?" Joey sighed. "What's your opinion on all of this?"

"The honest truth? I'm so pissed about all of it." Dash groaned, slumping down a bit. "Like, so many things happened that were wrong. Why does everypony keep pushing you aside? That makes no sense, if there were only five of you wouldn't that make it easier to pay attention to all?"

"I don't want attention." Joey sighed. "Honestly, I'm just happy to be rid of them for now. I had some real bad, unclassy moments. Honestly the only thing I regret is not handling them any better than I did. I agree with you. All of it is a load of bullshit."

"So... can you tell me everything that happened?" Dash asked as the bartender returned with two large pints. "I wanna make sure I'm getting this right. I'll never betray my friends, but if my friends are doing the betraying... I dunno, it makes me mad."

"Betray is a strong word here, but it'll work I guess." Joey corrected, taking a sip of his drink. It was very bitter.

He began to recount the painful events (omitting some of the details to be brutally honest) that led to his departure. Several different times during the recollection Dash either looked shocked or made a silent 'oh' of understanding.

"And when Twilight scolded me for swearing of all things after I said all that... that was sort of my final straw." Joey finished. "I left Ponyville that night on a train to Las Pegasus."

Rainbow looked upset, but almost as if she were upset at the idea of being upset. A super bizarre expression.

"Why would my friends do that...?" she murmured, looking at her half empty mug. "Especially Twilight... that egghead should have known better than anyone."

"You say that like they, what's the word - 'learned the error of their ways'?" Joey remarked sarcastically. "I won't buy any of that crap for a second."

"Do you hate them?"

Such a simple question. Four syllables in total, and he was stumped. How did he really feel about the group? Both humans and the five ponies? For months and months he had been recoiling from his negative experiences involving them. He certainly didn't want to be anywhere near them. But hate?

He knew what this was. He was holding a grudge. Despite that... he didn't feel anything beyond that.

"No. I don't hate them." he finally admitted. "I just - want nothing to do with them."

Dash looked a bit relieved at the sight of that. "Can't say I blame you for feeling that way, dude."

"You're kidding, right?"

"Buck no!" Dash exclaimed determinedly. "No one can just leave their friends hanging like that!"

"It's fine, Dash. Really." Joey huffed, not having the heart to mention the fact he could hardly even call them friends.

"No, it isn't!" she pressed on. "Seeing the group begin to tear up over this freaking sucks! Clara and the other humans are arguing more than they used to. Twilight and the others don't know who to side with, and they also feel terrible about eh stuff that happened. Whether or not you like it, dude, they miss you."

Joey chose not to respond, and simply took a large swig of lager. "Okay then," he finally said with a smack of his lips, "What the heck are you guys doing in the Empire then?"

"For your information it's just me and Fluttershy." Rainbow amended, crossing her arms. "I asked her to come with me so I could have some company. All I'm here for is a little Wonderbolts meet and greet, that's all."

"What the heck are 'Wonderbolts'?" Joey asked, which earned him a deeply shocked yet slightly offended look from Rainbow.

"Uh, hello? The Wonderbolts are only the greatest fliers in all of Equestria!" she said in an almost scolding tone. "And I happen to be a part of them!"

"Oh so we're boasting now?" Joey asked sarcastically. "I can burp the ABC's."

"Don't make fun of me!" she whined, but then noticed a hint of a smirk on his face. "Wait - you're joking. Seriously? You have a sense of humor?"

"Bold words coming from a horse who went out of her way to talk to me." Joey retorted.

Rainbow snickered. "Wanna get some fresh air?"

"Yeah, this booth is kinda cramped." Joey agreed, and the two made their way outside.

---

"You should have seen the looks on their faces!! Princess Cadance and Shining Armour's kiss was nothing compared to the rainboom. It was amazing!!" Dash exclaimed as the two wandered the streets. He was strolling while she opted to hover a foot off of the ground, around his eye level.

"Dash, you still haven't told me what this rainboom even looked like." Joey sighed, half-amused. "Is it like a sound-barrier-breaking thing, or...?"

"A sound what-now?" she asked, blinking.

"Nevermind."

"It's like... ugh, it's too awesome to explain. I'll show you one day." Rainbow answered eagerly. "Still, movies huh?"

"If I can, yup." Joey replied casually. "I'm reproducing a trilogy of books first, though. Do you read much?"

Rainbow blew a raspberry. "No. Not unless if it's Daring Do."

"Daring who?"

"Daring Do!!" Rainbow replied, flying ahead of them and hitting a bodybuilder pose mid-air. "The greatest adventurer and treasure-hunter Equestria has ever seen!"

"Wait, like archaeology?" Joey hummed, half-interested. "I might have to give that a try. Is it a series?"

"Rainbow Dash! Hello!" called a familiar voice, ending their conversation. Right then Joey realized that they had wandered up to the base of the palace, and it was Cadance calling out to them.

"Hey Princess." Dash replied coolly.

"You two seem to be getting along!" the princess observed.

"We had a good talk. Can't say we see eye-to-eye on everything, but at least we're in agreement on some of the drama from Ponyville." Joey explained, stretching.

"I still think you should come visit Ponyville sometime again, dude." Rainbow pressed. "After all you have a house still there."

"I'm not going back." Joey grunted stubbornly with a grim expression.

"Rainbow Dash, I'm really glad the two of you have become friends." Cadance intervened. "There are a lot of moving pieces to Joey's puzzle, and if you knew more of his story you would understand. For now, respect his decision. He's getting the help he needs already, and in time we can hope that things will heal."

Joey shrugged half-heartedly. Sounded a bit too fairy-tale-esque to be true. At the moment he still wanted to avoid that town at all costs.

Rainbow eyed Joey for a moment, trying to get a read on him. "Yeah, I understand. Sorry Joey. I just want our group to stop fighting."

"You can tell them I'm doing fine." Joey sighed. "Since they seem to care all of a sudden. But if any of them comes hunting me down to talk I'm gonna be pissed."

"I promise to tell them that." Dash said with a smile. "I'm gonna get going, Fluttershy's probably been alone and sad at our hotel. Don't be a stranger, dude!"

"Take care." Joey responded, and the two gave one another a fist-to-hoof bump.

Cadance smiled. This was a baby step, but at this point baby steps were still progress.

---

It was now summer, but in the Crystal Empire the weather didn't change that much. It was always sunny and always the perfect temperature, which kind of became depressing. Joey spent most of his time hunched over the desk, typing away vigilantly on his laptop. Months of work that involved writing (duh), occasional rewording, and constant study of the Equestrian dictionary and thesaurus just to make sure that everything would translate well in this world without losing it's gritty, old book feel.

Months of work, all culminating up until this moment. As chance would have it as soon as he hit the period key on his computer a knock came at the door.

"Come in!" Joey chirped.

"Wow, somebody seems happy today." Aquamarine noted as she entered the room with some coffee. She then paused upon getting a first look at Joey. "Okay... really happy. Did something good happen?"

Grinning from ear to ear, Joey saved his work and closed the computer with a flourish. "It's done! All of them - I finally finished!"

"All of the books?" Aqua gasped, nearly spilling her coffee. "But - what?"

"It's not like I'm writing them, I'm pretty much just copying them." Joey explained. "That alone should theoretically take about a month if I work nonstop, but then add another month for the additional work I put into making it understandable for ponies..."

"But - Joey, this is big news!!!" Aqua squealed. "Hurry up and write to the princess!!"

"Already on it. I needed to respond to her last letter anyways." Joey agreed, feeling giddy, and retrieved some parchment and a pen from the desk.

Dear Princ Celestia...

Comments

[Scinary]

:D. Joey happiness pog! This is probably gonna crash and burn isn't it :/.

[FTR2017]

On one hand, I can respect--and relate--to Joey's decision to no longer share the same town with his so-called 'friend' plus hanger-ons and Clara-bitch supporters.

Besides, Rainbow has got an excuse to not share the same classification as them ... unlike Flutters.

'Twas good to see RD and Joey bonding slightly, I bet Caddy was all the happier to see him extending his trust once more--even if said extension was a turtle's step, it still was done!

On the other hand ... .

It must suck for Twiggles that her babysitter is doing a better job at being the Princess of Friendship than her.

May she suffer some more while at it!

[TheronActs]

Sir Cynical Page,
Your admirable spirit of the admissions of chapters extending and broadening the storyline has made for the regular viewers more material to expand their available understanding of your creative understanding. However, it seems it has come at a cost, a cost of quality.
The overwhelming itch of expanding the available story material to engage itself with your audience is of many, a bane for performing Authors.
Understanding that its the viewers side that is required to supplement the existing gaps of the scene aspects along the way.
My criticism is with its downside being others whom are comfortable with the current batch quality would deny my claim, I plead for yourself to lessened the coal attributed to burning the boilers for further speed, instead aim to dampen the unstable pressures afflicted from the journey onto your passengers.
Good progress and spirit,
Have a nice morning, Sir Cynical Page.

[Negativity enjoyer]

Dear Princ Celestia...

Lost the opportunity to fuck with the monarch
Like "dear princess celestia" but like super cold and the monarch would get sooo concerned! And it will turn out that it was only a joke!

i'm Dissatisfied, i readed tooo fast and now I have to wait! BAH!

[Skrepka]

Thanks for the chapter! And so soon!

[Diamondized]

In hindsight, Rainbow is probably the best one to approach Joey. Being busy with the Wonderbolts and spending so much time out of town means that she's very loosely attached to what happened by association.

[Animal]

Rainbow looked upset, but almost as if she were upset at the idea of being upset. A super bizarre expression.

I like this bit

[Prince Jules Moonshade]

Yay Joey happy, glad to see another chapter for this, we need more damnit this is too good that sitting around waiting for new chapters suck.

Anyways keep up the awesome work mate!

[Animal]

Honestly hope we see more of Dash, I’m a fan of how you’re writing her

[Solus Eclipse]

Dear Princ Celestia...

I like this touch. Marking out the title is a great little detail cause why would he have respect for her anymore?