Erectile Dysfunction
“Wew,” Celestia puffed, setting down and leaning against a bent girder. “How’s this, boss?”
Anon momentarily stopped leveling the patch of concrete he’d been working on and peeked over at her. Dressed in a safety vest, jeans, and a tank top, with a hardhat resting on her head, Celestia proudly smiled while the forman inspected her work. To his abject shock and pleasant surprise, things had been going much, much better than he’d dared to hope. Smiling to himself, he sat down his tool and walked over as the supervisor gave an approving nod and moved on.
“Gotta hand it to ya, Cele,” he chuckled, “you’re pretty damn good at this.”
“I never knew manual labor would be so refreshing!” she merrily tittered. “The open air, being around so many hard-working stallions, and the instant gratification of seeing his project come together - honestly, if I’d known it would be this much fun, I would have done this ages ago!”
Sagely nodding, Anon smirked. “That and they actually - ya know, have clothes that fit you.”
A faint blush crept into her alabaster cheeks as she averted her gaze. “It’s not the most marish attire I’ve ever worn, but it is quite comfortable.”
She turned, bent over, and lifted a steel beam that should have taken a dozen ponies or a piece of heavy equipment to move. As crazy as it may have sounded, this was working out far better than he’d expected. Not only had she avoided causing any overt scenes or injuries, but she was actually damn good at her job. The foreman, a cantankerous old stallion who’d probably been working construction for most of his life, had been quick to use her muscle, magic, and ability to fly to incredible effect.
Stepping back and giving her some room, Anon watched as she brought the giant metal girder over her head, set her jaw, and tensed. The steel whined as it was folded like a piece of cardboard, standing no chance against her, while he marveled at her in open awe. She wasn’t overtly beefy, appearing large and a bit plump, yet her softness covered muscle that would put even the world’s most devout powerlifters to shame.
Her biceps swelled, veins pulsed along her arms, and sweat beaded her brow as she reshaped the bar. A hush fell over the yard while workers paused to spectate in admiration, fascination, lust, or some combination of the three. Such displays had become all too common since she and Anon had joined the crew, but nopony, not even the foreman, seemed to mind.
Judging from the reactions of his coworkers, he wasn’t the only guy around who appreciated a strong mare. The way Celestia was dressed was, for all intents and purposes, remarkably conservative and left everything to the imagination - well, almost everything. Her jeans snugly hugged the dump truck of her rump, while her vest hung open over the taut fabric covering her expansive, sweat-streaked bust. There were times when he’d catch employees eyeing her from afar, savoring the unique sight of an alicorn toiling alongside them, and it was difficult for him not to join them.
“I don’t know how you do it, Princess,” a gruff voice laughed.
Anon scowled and turned, recognizing the voice. Everypony had been polite with Celestia even before she’d proven how capable she was - everypony but one. An absolute hulk of an earth pony, Anvil had been the only stallion brazen enough to try and flirt with her. Dealing with some cocky stud would have been bad, but that wasn’t the worst part - the worst part was that Celestia humored him.
With a swagger in his step, Anvil trotted past Anon and straight over to her. “I thought the boss hired you as a piece of eye candy, but you really got a talent for this.”
Celestia dismissively waved a wing and giggled like a schoolfilly. “Oh stop. I bet you say that to all the mares!”
“What mares?” Anvil laughed, throwing his arms wide. “You’re the only dame on site, but that ain’t a bad thing - say, you got any plans later?”
Gnashing his teeth, Anon marched around him and to Celestia’s side. “As a matter of fact, we do. I was gonna take her to the Hayburger for dinner and a milkshake.”
“The Hayburger - Hah!” Anvil guffawed, doubling over and slapping his knee. “And here I was gonna invite you out to a real restaurant - ya know, somewhere that doesn’t serve greasy slop.”
His attempt to woo her with a fancy meal backfired in the most spectacular way. Her smile wavered and shoulders went limp as she hung her head. It wasn’t a well known fact, but she actually enjoyed unhealthy fast food - barring the occasional, opulent pastry, of course.
Anon couldn’t help but smirk when Anvil realized he’d accidentally made a slight. Though he and Celestia weren’t an item, he wouldn’t deny being protective of her. She’d given him a home, welcoming him to Equestria with open arms, and he owed her everything he had - which meant it was his duty to keep prideful assholes from taking advantage of her.
Glaring at Anon, Anvil straightened up and shrugged. “Guess I’ll keep that in mind. One of these days, you gotta let me treat you to lunch or something, Princess.”
“Former Princess,” Celestia murmured, doubtlessly wounded that her favored side dish, sweet potato fries, had just been labeled greasy slop, “but I appreciate the thought…”
“Don’t sweat it,” Anvil remarked, fanning his shirt. “Speaking of sweat, it’s a scorcher today ~ ain’t it?”
Her ears perked up and she lifted her gaze, giving him just the opening he’d wanted. The moment she looked at him, he grinned and pulled his shirt up and over his head. Celestia was a great many things, timeless and prone to flights of fancy, but she was still a mare. While Anon had been mildly annoyed by the stallion’s pitiful pass at her, the shameless display made him seethe.
Though he was loath to admit it, Anvil had him beat in the looks department - hell, if he had a six pack, rippling pecs, and broad, powerful shoulders, he’d be showing himself off too. Clenching and unclenching his fist, trying to think of something - anything to say to divert Celestia’s attention away from the hunky stud flaunting his chiseled body, he was hit with inspiration. There was no guarantee it’d work, but there was one thing that may take her mind off the brain-dead beefcake’s efforts to woo her.
“Wanna wanna go try your hand at welding?” he asked.
Celestia wheeled and peered down at him wide-eyed. “Really?!”
Anon nodded and kept his fingers crossed that he hadn’t just made a terrible mistake. There were a number of duties that needed tending to on the worksite, though he’d intentionally steered her to ones that were unlikely to cause damage. Once she eased the beam down to the ground, he took her by the hand and guided her past Anvil.
“See you later, Anvil,” he spat, barely able to contain his contempt.
“Take care, Anvil,” Celestia hummed, turning her head and lifting a hand as she passed him. “Don’t forget to skip leg day at the gym.”
Things could have ended there, leaving the wannabe lothario in the dust, but she wasn’t done with him yet. Swinging her arm back, she smacked Anvil squarely on the ass. Anon had never seen her intentionally hurt anypony, and he’d only witnessed her legitimately angry on a scant number of occasions, although that excluded the unintentional moments when she caused injury.
Anvil wasn’t set off balance by the clap on his tush, nor did he yelp and clutch his stinging backside - no, he went sailing like a bullet over the earth and tumbled into a patch of wet concrete. What would normally be a friendly, albeit questionable and inappropriate display of affection from the giantess was calamitous. The chances of Anvil being seriously wounded were pretty slim, but he’d sure as hell be sitting funny for a few days and thinking twice before enticing an alicorn.
With one problem taken care of, Anon did his best not to laugh at the stricken stallion’s suffering. He was a simple man, never having pined for luxuries, but fuck if little moments like this didn’t bring a smile to his face. As he and Celestia wandered under the framework of what would be a highrise, listening to the clang of machinery and the exertions of the workers around and above him, his mirth gradually faded.
Given that the superintendent had gleefully told Celestia that she was free to do whatever she could to help around the site, it was up to Anon to act as her chaperone. He was far from an engineer or professional laborer, but his time on Earth and the eclectic mix of jobs he’d worked over the years left him with a smattering of experience - as such, he was reasonably qualified to show her the ropes for basic tasks. It only took him a minute to reach and step into the industrial lift which led to what would be the upper stories of the skeletal structure.
“Rule one,” he grunted as she stepped in beside her, “always be careful while welding.”
Celestia’s expression hardened as she nodded. “Got it, safety first.”
Holding up a finger, he locked eyes with her. “Next, don’t - oh wait,” he grumbled when she turned and gazed up at the sun.
He had been about to tell her how important it was to use protective equipment, namely gloves and a mask, although she was one of, if not the only pony in the land who wouldn’t have to worry about that. She was the Princess of the Sun, capable of controlling a literal star, so he doubted the comparably dim light of a welder. Higher and higher they went, until they reached the very top level of the incomplete building.
“Hey,” he shouted, rolling the door open and flagging down the first unicorn he spotted, “where’s the welding detail?”
The nameless stallion, one of dozens on the crew, hitched a thumb over his shoulder. “I was about to grab some lunch, but y’all can finish up securing the joists over there.”
Celestia enthusiastically skipped past the stallion, tickled that she’d get to try something new, while Anon followed along after her. He had no doubt that she’d be able to fuse pieces of metal together, but that was what troubled him. Since unicorns and alicorns use magic to weld, relying solely on managing the output of their magical power, she’d have to be very, very cautious.
Picking up a discarded welder’s mask, he walked up beside her just as knelt down on the latticework of rebar. “Start right there,” he explained, pointing to several pieces of disconnected supports, “and start slow.”
As her horn flared to life, she stuck her tongue between her lips and stared down at two of the thick metal bars. He flipped his visor down and crossed his arms, staying far enough away to let her work but close enough to ensure she wasn’t going to fuck anything up. With startling speed and precision, she seared the pieces together and looked over at him for approval.
He gave her a thumbs-up and lifted the mask. “That’s…that’s actually really good. We’ll still have the foreman look over it once we’re done, but I’m impressed.”
Looking more confident than ever, she beamed and turned her attention back to the task at hand. “This is easy!”
“Don’t - damn it,” he hissed, blinded when she welded a part of the floor. Blinking away the spots in his vision, he stepped back and rubbed his eyes. “A little warning would be -”
“There we are!” she chirped. “How’s that?”
He stiffened when he saw what she was talking about. She hadn’t just done another piece or two of rebar, she’d done an entire section. Several square feet of metal lay perfectly fused together, glowing red and smoking slightly. Maybe he’d been wrong to be wary about her doing this - shit, maybe she should have been doing it all along. What should have taken a team several hours to finish had been finished in seconds!
Standing tall and dusting her hands, she surveyed the area. “Should I do the entire level like this?”
“Maybe we should - oh no…” he gasped as her horn began to glow more fiercely than ever. “Celestia, no -”
A beam of what he could only describe as pure destruction, white hot, pure energy, lanced through the air, the building, and anything else unfortunate enough to be in its path. His desperate plea to stop her caused her to turn, sending the laser veering wildly and carving the building nearly in half. The entire incident lasted no longer than the blink of an eye, but the damage was already done.
The structure groaned, shouts of dismay and confusion drifted up from the lower stories and the ground below, and then everything began to shift. Anon had thought he’d misstepped for a moment, although the reality of what had happened quickly hit him like a ton of bricks. He wasn’t standing off balance - the building itself was listing to one side.
“Fuck,” he coughed, landing on his back as the skyscraper start to fall.
Pegasi sailed away as colorful darts, and numerous Pops of unicorns teleporting themselves and their earth pony kin to safety punctuated the sounds of tortured framework collapsing in on itself, while he screamed and scrambled to grab hold of anything that would prevent him from falling to his death. He kicked desperately and watched as he slid over the edge and into the open air.
Time slowed, his limbs flailed, and a preternatural tranquility settled over him. He’d heard that one’s life flashed before their eyes prior to meeting their maker, although he wasn’t that lucky. The beautiful sky above and cool air rushing past him was juxtaposed by the absolute mayhem. Yeah, he’d been right to keep her away from anything dangerous, but there was nothing he could do about that now.
Twisting and screaming, watching the ground grow closer and closer, he clamped his eyes shut. This was it, he was going to end up as a wet stain on a patch of concrete - an inglorious demise, but at least it would be over quickly. He held his breath and cursed Luna and Twilight one final time before the very sudden stop that was coming.
His sense of weightlessness came to an instantaneous end as his momentum shifted. The cold of the wind was replaced by warmth, prompting him to peek up. He wasn’t dead, that much was certain, yet the sight which greeted him was heavenly all the same. Gazing up and into Celestia’s warm, comforting smile, he lay motionless in her arms.
“I gotcha,” she whispered, flapping her wings and carrying them safely down to the earth. Like an angel from above, she landed softly and cradled him to her bosom. “You ok?”
“Uh…uh-huh…” he numbly replied, unable to look away from her face.
Standing in defiance of the devastation around them, with debris and sundered machinery making the construction site look like a war zone, she smiled. He should have been furious that she’d almost killed him and caused what had to be millions of bits worth of damage, yet all he could do was grin like an idiot. As she sat him down and dusted him off, going so far as to look him over for any injuries, he only reluctantly scanned the ruins around them.
“We g…gotta make sure everypony’s ok,” he stammered, taking an uneasy step toward what had been a towering complex.
“Fifteen earth ponies, a pegasus who was using the porta-potty, and two unicorns,” she cheerfully stated.
Anon turned and glowered up at her. “What?”
“The ponies I saved!” she clarified. “You didn’t think I just sat on a throne all day when I was a Princess ~ did you?”
He went to protest, to ask her how the hell she could be so sure, but what she’d said made a bit of sense. Somepony didn’t live for millennia and make a name for themself as the savior of a continent unless they were capable of getting their hands dirty. Starting when she strolled past and gave him a gentle pat on the head, he closed his mouth.
Peeking back at him, she winked. “Let’s go get some lunch, Anon. When we get back, we’ll see how fast I put the building back together.”
Anon wasn’t sure which was scarier - the fact that she was so flippant about what she’d just done or that she might just be able to do what she’d said. Irrespective of if she was capable of single-handedly fixing the mess she’d made, there was no way they’d be able to stay working there. Running after her and hopping over bits of detritus, he said a silent prayer that her next job wouldn’t involve anything more hazardous than a social faux pas…
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Great story.
I’ll freely admit that I’m not much of a fan of Anon. But stupidly overpowered characters doing stupidly overpowered things. Will forever tickle my funny bone.
11856009
It's gonna get much, much worse...
Can't wait for Anon to lament, complain and whine to Luna heh.
Thank you for writing !
Wait a second! NO kinks?
Who is this author and what did you do with Leech?!
A Some Leech story that has no kinks and has no sex? This is rather surprising.
11856138
Hey hey
I've written Rated T and Rated E stuff before
Finally a leech fic I can read at work. Thank you! Love you writing <3
I'm looking forward to seeing what kind of craziness Anon and Celestia will get into.
Keep up the awesome work.
Wait, if he’s not her official boy friend what exactly is he to her? It makes it sound like he gets paid to be her friend.
Celestia has had to deal with Dragon Lord Torches foibles before,
Handling giant erections is piece of cake?
11856198
an assistant that stuck around as a friend after she retired, i guess? something's definitely going to develop soon judging from the romance tag though
11856198
He's her gopher™ - you know, go for this or go for that
11856329
They didn't know what to do with him when he found himself in Equestria, so he got stuck as her assistant. Over time, they became friends.
11856145
. And that's entirely your fault too 
.
But not often enough that a new one doesn't draw a "holy shit, Some Leech didn't write smut" reaction
(I got curious and counted. You have, out of 373 stories, a mere 30 that aren't smut :
. I'm sure someone better than me at math can convert that into a percentage that we can properly appreciate, but it's not a meaningful number in any case 
.)
11856177
.
I mean, you could read the others at work. Just, you know, be ready to field some intense and/or awkward questions about your reading material if someone else gets a good look at it
11856554
30/373 = 8%
Leech do be havin' the beeeg horni :3
11856561
So ... this means the non-smut stories are like rare collectors’ albums?
This Anon and the Nord-pone's (Ord?) handler/hubby would sure have a lot to commiserate over.
I am Celestia. Please insert girder.
Pizza 🍕
11856554
Credit where it's due, the non-smut stuff is great. I mean, sure, the smut's great too, but I don't always wanna read that, you know?