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Living in the Everfree Forest, an unknown creature has been bullying Fluttershy's animals. Twilight decides to help her tend to the wounded critters, since the yellow mare has been extremely overworked. The two come out of the experience a lot closer, but will it last? When they confront the beast, Twilight can't be so sure. [Twishy]
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Interesting. I'm watching this now. Even better, I didn't catch any errors, and the characters stayed canon.
Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...
Bwahahaha!
Go on...
I read the title and was considering reading this... Then I read the discription and realized I'd have some kind of anuerysm if I did. Seriously, work on your word choice.
"has been bullying Fluttershy's animals to the extent of violence"
Is not something that inspires confidence, or the desire to read.
(Is english your second language?)
Like Manhattan's greatest friendly webslinging superhero, Inky Swirl flies from one fic right to the next to dispense criticism, for great JUSTICE!
1) Yup, I've Heard That Line. Beginnings are delicate creatures--they need love, and care, and eat a steady diet of uniqueness and interest. This was your beginning:
It was a perfectly normal day in Ponyville. The birds were singing, ponies were going about their day cheerfully, and Twilight Sparkle was studying. Yes, everything was in order.
Okay, you've established the weather, and what Twilight was doing. You even capped it all off with an affirmative, "Yes, everything was in order." Now, what is the problem with this?
The problem is that you are attempting to tell a story, and as such, your beginnings must adhere to that One True Law of Fiction: Tell the story. Our story obviously does not begin with what awesome (and typical, cliche) weather Ponyville's having--it begins where something becomes different. I suggest beginning with Twi reading, not with the sexy weather.
2) Hold On, Kids, I've Got to Point this One Out! Let's launch into where the story really (kind of) begins: Twi studying.
The first book was titled: Animal Anatomy Uncovered: a Vets’ Guide. She wasn’t entirely keen in learning this type of material, as she preferred much more…magical and factual books, but she wouldn’t let Fluttershy down. Even though something like that seemed absolutely impossible.
Woah! Why--hey! Did ya'll see that?!
She wasn’t entirely keen in learning this type of material, as she preferred much more…magical and factual books, but she wouldn’t let Fluttershy down. Even though something like that seemed absolutely impossible.
Good for you, kid! You've injected the narration with essence of Twilight, establishing her as our narrator and point-of-view character.
See, by adding the ellipse (...) before "magical and factual," you've made us aware that sentences like these are going to be in-tune with Twilight's thoughts and emotions. And then, you went ahead and confirmed it with, "Even though something like that seemed absolutely impossible." We know that's what Twilight is thinking or believes, even though it's not in italics (the universal standard for thoughts). Excellent! A lot of people screw that up royally, using a narrator to describe everything in a writer-y way, instead of filtering everything through the main character's thoughts and feelings.
And lookie here, you kept the train rollin'!
The unicorn opened the cover of the book magically and began reading. It wasn’t uninteresting, but it definitely didn’t catch her attention the way Starswirl the Bearded did. A little bit into the reading she realized that she would need a dictionary for some of these technical terms used.
You get a cookie for that.
3) Pullin' Weeds. Something simple a lot of people make a habitual mistake of is not cutting useless words. Observe:
“Thank you, number one assistant!” The lavender mare quickly flipped through both books, quick to find the definitions she was after. Briefly it occurred to her that Spike hadn’t yet returned to doing whatever it was he had been before being called upon.
Ask yourself--do we really need that "briefly" there? Consider how fast Twilight jumps to the thought--that alone informs us how brief it was.
And... ah! Here's another one:
“Uh…Twilight?” He sheepishly called for her attention, in which she gave him an annoyed glance, “Why are you reading about animal anatomy?”
We can guess that Spike's feeling a little sheepish from the pause ("Uh..."). And, if that's not enough for you, we can add an observation of how Spike might look when Twilight gives him that "annoyed glance."
Twilight shot him an annoyed glance. Spike lingered on the side of the stairs, one eye poking out from behind the wall.
Spike's actions in my example above illustrate that he's feeling "sheepish."
4) Painting By Thought. Here's another good example of how you can illustrate feelings and emotions without explicitly describing them:
“Well, Spike,” She took on a lecture tone, as she so often did while explaining something she found obvious,
Right after "Well, Spike," you explain why Twi takes up her 'lecture tone.' Instead, you could illustrate it with a thought, like so:
For all Spike's years under her wing, he still hadn't developed the skill for detecting the obvious; every speech had to be a lesson, should anything be misunderstood.
Not only do we now know why she's lecturing, we have a better sense of how Twilight thinks, as well as a flavoring for her personality.
5) Weed the Garden. Another instance of word-killing:
The book she was studying from was surrounded in a magical aura and closed automatically.
We understand what happened without the word, "from."
“Oh wait, Twilight! Do you think that maybe I could go to Rarity’s for a bit?” He held his tail nervously between his claws.
Kneading his tail with his claws is enough to let us know he's nervous. If that's not satisfying for you, let Spike hesitate before mentioning Rarity.
Cheerfully, the young dragon bolted out the door just before Twilight left.
We can suspect Spike's good mood by his action of bolting out the door.
The unicorn swiftly came to the timid mare’s rescue. Well, in her mind it seemed quite the more…heroic deed.
As we're already in Twilight's mind, we don't need a reminder; narrative perspective has been fixed to Twilight, so any opinions are hers, and we know that without question.
The yellow pegasus jumped in surprise and looked over to see who had addressed her. Fluttershy’s eyes immediately softened when she noticed it was Twilight,
Jumping when someone speaks is surprising, which we infer. We also infer that Fluttershy's eyes soften after recognizing Twilight, because she just "looked over to see who had addressed her." And we know it was Twi who addressed her.
“U-Uhm, yes…” She nervously scuffled her feet.
Act of scuffling her feet reveals she's nervous.
6) Perspective Fixing. You made a boo-boo, bub. Well--two, actually:
“Eight bits.” They didn’t know it, but they were unknowingly leaning towards each other in a sharp glaring contest.
"They didn't know it, but they were unknowingly leaning..." You've just said the same thing in two different ways--that's the first and most obvious mistake. The second one is a bit more subtle:
they were unknowingly leaning towards each other in a sharp glaring contest.
Earlier on, you established Twilight as the point-of-view character. By declaring that both Twilight and the stall vendor are unaware of their leaning, you've broken the perspective, taking it away from Twilight and giving it to an unseen narrator. This kind of 'perspective jump' disorients readers on a more subconscious level, breaking the illusion of the story; we were just looking at the world through Twilight's eyes, but now, we're seeing from someone else's? It can be jarring for the mind.
“Three bits, that’s as high as we’re going.” Twilight finished unyieldingly.
We know she's not yielding from the context.
Twilight smiled at her successful negotiating. She had never been very good at it herself, but she was rather impressed at how well she did it for Fluttershy.
We can guess why Twi's smiling, and her thought immediately after confirms our perception, so you don't need "at her successful negotiating." If you need the clarification, do:
Twilight smiled. She had never been very good at negotiating, but she was rather impressed at how well she did it for Fluttershy.
Good... but something's still wrong.
at how well she did it for Fluttershy.
There it was--the giveaway.
In a story like this, you have to be very subtle about how characters come to terms with feelings towards each other, and Twilight's happiness at negotiating so well "for Fluttershy" is an obvious sign that she likes impressing Fluttershy. It could be made smoother and more ambiguous (hard to tell she likes her) if Twilight's just happy to have helped out her hapless friend.
She smiled gratefully to the unicorn beside her.
Another useless word, due to context. You've got a lot of weeding to do, but you'll be able to catch them.
And with that, I leave you; there's more I can work on pointing out, but this comment's too long.
Other than all that, a decent first attempt.
1484642
Aneurysm? Hm...
Well, I thank you for taking the time to point out the word choice errors, and no, English isn't my second language.
1484840
Oh wow, that's a lot of errors... I'll try to fix it up, and thanks for taking time to write such a long comment! Constructive criticism is always nice.
I'm not sure how to feel about this chapter. Would you consider it a good plot-twist? I've been working on it for a few days, editing crazily. The one thing I like the most is the chapter title.
Stay tuned to see what happened to Angel..
1517717
Hmm... Definitely not sure how to react to what happened with Angel. On one hand, I extremely dislike Angel for the crap he makes Fluttershy do. On the other hand, I feel bad for Fluttershy, knowing how much she cares for the little bunny.
It was good. This need more attention. Spam ALL the groups!
Well... What did you all think about this chapter?
I'd like to see if anyone can guess what Spike is asking advice for.
Oh! And I wasn't sure--but for Spike, would you say 'face-palm'? Or 'face-hoof' or even 'face-claw'?
1564443
Hmm... It's good that all the animals are okay...
Wonder how everything'll turn out. Not sure what else to say .
Also reminds me I really need to work on my fic... How is it that this has gotten much less attention than mine? I feel this is much better than mine...
EDIT: Looking at the Tragedy tag....
1564666
Yup. I'm not planning on abusing the animals much more.
Hmm, you have a Twishy fic, don't you? I need to check it out... And thanks for the compliments! They made me pretty happy.
Heh, you'll just have to wait and see what that's doing there.
First interlude.
I felt that I needed to give the other characters more screen time, and this leads to what I have planned next. I feel really bad for what I did to Spike, though. It was more like...me testing my plot-twist skills. If you didn't see the chapter title and were just reading through, would you have guessed what happened? Let me know what you think.
Oh, and if you find any formatting errors, let me know. I especially have troubles with 'extra spaces.'
1580413
Good chapter, but I noticed that there wasn't any quotation marks before 'I'm sorry... I've known for some time.
Other than that, don't think there were really any errors. Might've looked over them if they were there.
i think it would be even worse if Rarity had a crush for Twilight, i'm a evil very evil
1580513
Ohh, thanks for finding that. I had a feeling I had missed something.
1580935
Heh, that would be a bad situation... You'll see what I have in store later..
1581278
I have a feeling I won't like the ending
1581290
Hm, that would depend on what kind of endings you do like... but it will be relevant to the tags. No spoilers, haha.
1581332
Bad endings are good if done well, but I love this ship too much to like a bad ending...
1581355
I have to agree with you on that statement. This ship really is one of my favorites, and I hope I can do it justice in the future.
NEED. MORE. CHAPTERS!!!
Fluttershy is my favorite pony, and FlutterLight is my favorite ship (Don't like TwiShy, seems a bit... lazy)
1607737
I'm glad you like it. I'm working on the next chapter now, and it'll be done pretty soon.
Hm, FlutterLight? I kinda like that too... The reason I use TwiShy is because it's easier to type, and because it makes me think 'Twice Shy.' Considering both of them are rather awkward socially, and because they seem like they'd both be shy in a relationship I figured that this name would fit well.
1612242"Twice Shy".... I hadn't considered that.
Clever
This has some more romantic stuff, mostly. Not exactly plot-development, but that will come in the next chapter. I'm sure you guys can tell from the cliff hanger, anyway.
Sorry for taking so long. I had this idea for another pony story and it wouldn't go away, so I had to write it up. (If you're curious, go check it out!) I'll try not to do that again, but when inspiration hits... It gets a home run.
Anyway, let me know what you thought of this chapter. Bad kiss scenes? I'm working on that. Bad chapter title? Let me know. Bad characterization? Just say something and I'll do my best to work on it.
Thanks for reading!
1641688
New chapter? :0
And suddenly I don't feel like reading.
wat
I'm still debating on whether it is fluttershy or twilight that is hurting the animals unknowingly... but now that i think about it, spike does seem like a possibility
good story so far
Ok, read it this time. All I have to say is:
"WOO! GO FLUTTERSHY!"
Sorry for taking so long. I've been working on some of my other stories, and this one got kinda neglected. However, I hope this chapter was good enough to hold you over until the next one. Feel free to guess what's gonna happen with Rarity and about AJ and Rainbow's past. We'll be getting closure on the Everfree Forest monster soon, so look forward to that. And shipping. Don't forget the shipping.
Feedback is appreciated.
1763268
I was wondering what happened to this...
Anyways, good chapter! Looking forward to whatever happens next.
A nice chapter again, and so many cliffhangers... Celestias letter to spike, Raritys love to somepony we don't know, the creature in the everfree forest etc. : )
Is Rarity is in love with Twilight?
.
Because she said that if Spike knew who she was in love with, he would be devastated, and let´s face it, Rarity loving Twilight would be much more devastating to him than if she fell in love with anypony else.
Also, if i am right, i can already see her crying even more while holding a picture of Twilight when she finds about Twilight and Fluttershy´s relationship
about Rarity loving Twilight
I had a theory about the Everfree thing. Is it possible that Angel, that little f
k, has been bullying the animals, and they all jumped him to get even? 
Mind Blown!!
has spike been put on a bus
1827835
If things go according to plan, you'll know what it is in the next chapter.
I'm sure you were happy about having guessed that.
1828215
Everyone seems to be coming up with some rather good ideas for the Everfree creature... You'll just have to wait and see.
1828276
Haha, haven't seen that before. But I guess that's what it'd be called--a convenient departure of a character. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to be doing with him, but I do have an idea. So, pretty much, he's not disappearing entirely off the face of the planet.
18285394
i actually am happy because i like Rarilight but i hardly ever see it in fics, so i get happy whenever i see Rarilight even if it´s only from Rarity`s side.
1828539
so far my major theory is that the creature is somehow Twilight... whether it is some sort of werepony thing or subconsciousness thing.
though, i'm not putting it past being Spike or Fluttershy.
Ps. called the Rarity falling for twilight as well
Thank you for this chapter, filled with action. And that cliffhanger.... Can't wait for the next chapter.
Great chapter!
The tragedy hasn't happened yet? D;
Or do you mean the tragedy has?
Because if it gets worse, then...
O.o Tragedy? Must you wound us so?
Well, if you must, it's still going good! Can't wait to read more!
1912281
Yeah, it gets a little worse. This was just the main turning point.
1912576
Heh, I'd always intended for this to take a tragic turn of events.
In all seriousness though, I'm glad you like it!
1912651
Oh no
What a sad chapter.
Can't wait to see what happens next.
A TwiShy story I didn't know about? Blasphemy! But moving on to the seriousness...
I'm thoroughly enjoying this and the sorrow and tragedy that's woven in is absolutely amazing. I simply cannot wait to see what happens
1929036
I'm glad you like it, and I'm pretty sure I've seen you commenting on every TwiShy I've seen.
Thanks for the compliments; I should have the next one up soon!
Great chapter. I just hope there is a way to save Twilight...I feel really bad for her. And what's up with Celestia? Can't wait for the next chapter.
Really good start so far. I'm looking forward to reading chapter 2...right now!
And... How did I not notice this was updated?
I really need to get to reading some more, clear out my unread favorites...
Oh well. Good chapter! Hope everything ends well with Twi...
Kind of reminds me of the myth of Orpheus
Orpheus went to the Underworld to retrieve his wife, Eurydice, who had just died of snakebite. He made his way to the Underworld's royal couple, charming all in his passage with his extraordinary musical skill. Then Orpheus persuaded Hades to give him a chance to bring his wife back to life. He got permission on the condition that he not look at Eurydice until they reached the light of day. Orpheus failed to accomplish his mission
Wonderful chapter. I personally don't have a problem with the Celestia x Discord relationship. Looking forward to the next chapter as always. Greetings
2068502
I don't hate them together, but I also don't ship them. Mostly neutral, but oh well... I'm glad you liked it! 
I don't know what you're talking about...
Very nice to see you pick up on that! It is an interesting tale, and I thank you for mentioning it, as well as reading!
2068524
Thank you!