This is it! the white pegasus thought to himself. For the past five seasons, I’ve been working my flank off; to the bone. The ceremony of being enlisted into the Royal Guard is today. This stallion’s name is Serus Starz. He has a short blonde mane and a blue tail. He’s always ahead of his team when it came to training. He earned his cutie mark from inspiration. It contained two adjacent wings with a silver sword shining down the middle.
His father was a Royal Guard under the command of Captain Shining Armor. A few years after his enlistment, his father was considered KIA during the war against the dragons. Neither his body nor his ashes were recovered by his comrades, never giving Serus’ father a proper funeral.
Serus continued looking up into the sky. Father, I thank you for watching over me for all these years. He lined up along with the rest of the graduates, and they waited until their trainer arrives to debrief them and turn them over to Shining Armor, the Captain of the Royal Guard. Within a few moments, doors crashed wide open, as their trainer entered the room with a scowling look on his face.
“Alright listen up, you maggots!” He shouted to the team. “The years of hard work, guts, and sweat has led all you foals up to this day. Right up until Shining Armor gives you your positions, you’re all still mine. I want you foals to stand up on that stage, keep your head up high, and, by Celestia’s holy name, do remember to recite the motto once your name is called. No pony wants to be an ass to himself in front of a crowd.” He continued to lecture the group for about a few minutes until they heard the music begin playing behind two large doors, which led to the stage. “Colts, I’m proud to have fresh recruits like you,” he announced to everypony and then gave the order. “Let’s begin, Graduates. Move your flanks out those doors in a single file line, on the double.”
The team then galloped out the door to see a large cheering crowd calling out to them as they approached the stage. They could see the commander waiting for them on the stage as they lined up. Shining Armor raised his hoof and motioned the families to quiet down; they did so. He casted a spell on himself to make his voice be heard throughout the stadium and began.
“Fillies and Gentlecolts, welcome to the sixty-seventh graduation of the Royal Guard. For many seasons, these tough stallions have faced countless exercises that tested their bodies and minds to their limits. And now, they have passed their requirements to be one of us. I will call up the names of our grads and they will make their pledge to the Royal Guard and receive their uniform.”
Serus waited in silence as the Captain called up names one at a time. He waited for Storm Shower’s name to be called up because he knew that he’d be next. “Private Storm Shower,” Shining called out. This is it! I’m next... “Private Fire Flare.” Serus’ heart stopped almost immediately, watching the stallion next to him moved forward. He was more confused than anypony as some of the graduates cocked their heads. Serus remained still as each and every stallion after him was called up.
I-I don’t understand. he thought to himself as he shook his head. Why wasn’t I called up? Did he skip my name or something? I couldn’t have failed; I passed everything my trainer threw at me with flying colors. So what’s going on?
Shining Armor was finished with his list and congratulated the stallions for their hard work. The ceremony was over and the Captain left the stadium. A bunch of stallions approached Serus, “Woah that was rough dude. What happened, Serus?”
Rage filled the mind of the white Pegasus as he answered the group, “I don’t know guys, but I’m going to give the Captain a piece of my mind.” He stretched out his wings and with a hard flap, he took to the skies like a jet and soared to the Captain’s office.
A few minutes later, Serus Starz arrived in front of Shining Armor’s office and bashed at the door. “I demand answers, Captain! Open the door!” he ordered. In no time, the door immediately opened. He quickly entered and sat down on an unoccupied seat in front of the unicorn. “Why wasn’t my name called out during the ceremony? I know I didn’t fail training.”
“Calm down, Private Serus,” Shining responded. “You’re right, you didn’t fail.”
“Then why didn’t I receive the title I worked so hard for?”
“You’re being reassigned, Serus.” The captain pulled out a letter and gave it to the stallion. “By orders of both Princess Luna and Princess Celestia.”
Captain Shining Armor was leading Serus down the barracks courtyard, and a series of buildings and stadiums. “I still don’t understand, Captain. Why am I being reassigned to a different squadron?” he asked his commanding officer while looking at the letter with the stamps of both princesses.
“Because this squadron has too little soldiers in its arsenal,” Shining answered. “Since it just opened up,” he added. “Don’t worry; you’re going to love this group. They come from very separate backgrounds.” He finally stopped in front of a building with the letter ‘Z’ etched on the side.
“Um I know I haven’t been the Royal Guard, but isn’t that supposed to be a number?” Serus asked cocking his head. He knew that they’ve arrived at the barracks that he’s going to stay in, but all barracks are supposed to numbered, not lettered.
“You can imagine it as a stylish ‘2’ if you want, but it’s a ‘Z’.” Shining lit up his horn and opened the giant doors. “Private Serus Starz, congratulations and welcome to Squad Z.”
The barracks was crammed with a lot of stuff, but the first thing that stood out was a Griffon and Night Guard, playing cards on a small table. “This is it?” he asked.
“Yup.”
“Where are the rest of them?”
“Wait, there’s going to be more of us?” the Night Guard asked gleefully.
“Of course! Here’s the more of you,” Shining Armor replied tapping on the ‘suppose-to-be’ Royal Guard’s shoulder. “Filly and griffon, allow me to introduce you to your new teammate, Serus Starz. Serus, this is Griselda,” he mentioned gesturing toward the griffon. “That is Aknow Twist. So, I guess I can leave you guys alone. You have a lot of catching up to do.” With that, Shining Armor made his toward the door.
Just as Shining reached his hoof to open the door, the golden-maned Pegasus jumped in his way. “Hold on a minute!” he reached his hoof out in front of him to make his Captain stop in his tracks. “So, not only am I stuck with a Night Guard and a Griffon, but I am also stuck with a bunch of girls!?”
“Hey!” Aknow interjected. “That’s really offensive.”
“Does it look like I give a hoof right now!?”
“Well, you smell funny,” Griselda finally entered the conversation before downing her drink whole.
Speechless, Serus turns back to the unicorn. “Captain, please tell me that you’re yanking my hoof right now; I beg you.”
“I’m sorry, Serus,” Shining said, walking around the Pegasus. “This comes from both of the Princesses. You know I can’t disobey an order signed by them. If you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.” He slowly closed the door on the three, leaving the room in an awkward atmosphere.
Pulling a chair, the griffon motioned Serus toward it. “Come sit down, new guy. We are starting a new hand, and a new round of hard cider.”
Defeated, the white Pegasus sighed and joined their game of cards and cider. “I guess I’m stuck here,” he groaned. “So what’re your stories?”
“I am stuck doing community service for stealing and destruction of property,” Griselda started. “I have been stealing for about 5 years now. Do you know how long my sentence is?”
“5 years?” Serus guessed, but the griffon shook her head.
“I am stuck doing this stuff for 10 years.”
“Harsh.”
“It’s better than going to griffon prison. We make you ponies look like a bunch of foals when comparing our prisons.” She gulped her cider in one smooth motion.
“How long have you been here so far?” the blonde pony questioned.
“We have been here for about a week.”
“Ouch.”
“I don’t need your sympathy.”
“I wasn’t being sympathetic.”
“Good because I will crush you under my talons if you ever are.” After that she broke her wooden mug with her sharp claws. Fragments of wood flew in various directions.
“Griselda,” the Night Guard whined. “I just bought that… again.”
“Then just steal one from the people next door.”
“There is no next door,” Serus replied annoyed by the idea.
“Then go and make one, buy a mug, place it in the house of our soon-to-be next door neighbors, and steal it.” The griffon explained this idea using the cards as place holders.
“Why would I go steal something that I already bought in the first place?” the Royal Guard asked.
“I don’t know,” she said in a sarcastic voice. “You are the crazy one stealing a mug you already bought.”
“Coming from a thief, that doesn't even phase me,” Serus cooed.
“Coming from a ‘Royal Guard reject’, that’s pretty cocky,” Griselda shot back with a malicious grin.
“Ooh,” Aknow gasped, covering her mouth. “She got you there.”
In anger, Serus was about to buck the griffon in her face, but instead he violently gulped down his beverage and stormed off. “I’m going to bed.”
“Hay aren’t you going to listen to my story?” the grey coated mare asked.
“I’m not in the mood, Aknow.”
He continued towards the bunk room, but was stopped by Aknow’s hoof. “Hold on, I had to listen to everypony else’s story and no pony has heard mine yet. So, you are going to sit your flank down and listen to my story.”
“Fine, I’ll listen to your story,” he groaned as he took a seat.
“Now let me tell you a story,” she began as the white unicorn took his seat at the table. “I started off as a little filly, and I had a mother and father. We lived in a nice village just south of Cloudsdale, and it had the largest amount of cocky stallions Luna could find. Anyways, I was walking to school one day, and I found a jawbreaker on the ground…”
“Wait a minute,” Serus interrupted. “Where, in Celestia’s name, does a jawbreaker relate to the topic we were discussing?”
“It doesn’t.”
“Then why are you talking about a jawbreaker? The story is supposed to be about how you came to be a Lunar Guard.”
“Sorry, I forgot what the subject was, so I thought of a different story that I knew we could all enjoy.” Serus commenced the facehoofing shortly after, and Aknow started over but with the right story. “It really isn’t much on why I became a night guard, really. When I was young it was a lifelong dream of mine to serve, and meet, Princess Luna. From that point on, I worked my way up to where I am right now, and I became a lunar guard for this squadron. I didn’t get to see Princess Luna yet, though, but I had the best conversation with the lunar guard captain.”
Finishing the story, the dark mare made her way over to the fridge and grabbed each of them a drink. She tossed the drink over her head in the table’s general direction. Miraculously, the drinks fell restfully on the table without a chip to their exterior shell. She trotted her way back to the table holding a bag of various sweets.
“Well, aren’t you two successful,” Griselda chuckled. She grabbed a hand-full of candy and threw it into her mouth. Using the drink, she washed down the food before she got the taste of sugar in her mouth.
Sersus took a sip out of his drink and trotted off. “Well I’m off to bed, girls. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Wait!” Aknow exclaimed getting out of her seat. “Aren’t you going to stay up with us?”
“No way, I’m not a nocturnal like you. Besides, I have to get up first thing in the morning to do morning practice. Then I have to go see if Captain Shining Armor has any missions for us.” He took off into an unoccupied room and collapsed on the bed. The other pony and griffon continued to talk throughout the night until the morning sun reached its way across the horizon.
Please, any and all constructive criticism is accepted. I don't expect you to sugar coat the story if it isn't good because that would just annoy me. Let me know what you think, and I will see what I can do to satisfy your thoughts as best as possible.
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, TWE Administrative 80's Reaper
hmmmmm, you sir are scheming and have a plan....I think. I like the set up, somewhat rushed in the trio at the end-a bit more to that scene may have been nice, but you could just be saving that for later. I think your scheming because even considering prank Luna/Trollestia there is no way in Tartarus that the princesses would humiliate the guard like that, I'm thinking they are making a task force of some kind......will have to wait and see, but will read...please continue
The first few paragraphs are info-dumping. We don't need to know what he looks like, his cutie mark, what he's doing, and what happened to his father all at once. Spread it out a little.
“I demand answers, Captain! Open the door!"
This would be a very bad thing to say to a superior officer. In fact, Serus Starz doesn't seem to act in a military manner through the whole story.
This chapter could have, should have, been about twice as long. You're going way too fast and overlooking things.
Your spelling is pretty good.
I do like how you managed to take the cover art and create a story from it.
Will do. Thank you all for your criticism and helpful pointers. We'll make the next chapter more pleasing.
1542539 Scheming? Yes, there might be a bit of scheming involved because we have the intentions of adding stuff later on.
1542580 I do not believe that my brother really intended him to act in a complete military manner, but I don't know. I need him to give me further detail on how Serus is like to go further with this idea, but I think that he wants him to have his own qualities yet follows the orders he are given. That is just an assumption that I have made of him so far.
1542685 Thank you for the wonderful advice, and yes, this chapter was short when I look back on it.
So I have heard all of your guys' request, and the thing that you all said was that it was rushed. I had no intention of making this anything but a simple introduction to tell you about the three characters. Yes, it was pretty much and info dump, and I can assure you that the info dumping will be avoided these upcoming chapters. Also, they will be longer than this one. I will do my best to make them 3500 words minimum, and if I think it needs to be a bit long, I will do the best thing anyone can use when they are stuck in such a situation, improvise. Anyways, chapters longer and no info dumping, got it. I would like to let you know that I am in school, so the chapters may take a while to be published. I will try my best to keep you from waiting to long. Thank you for the CC, and I will fix these errors.
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, TWE Administrative 80's Reaper
Squadron Z is so going to turn out to be special forces
i like the setup on this. ill track it and maybe leave some constructive criticism if i can, if only because i need a break from romance fics.
you already seem to have a pretty good idea of any mistakes you might have made in the first chapter, one thing i noticed however is that your scenes lack some transition. ex:
...both Princess Luna and Princess Celestia.”
Captain Shining Armor was leading Serus down the barracks courtyard, and a...
here you have two different scenes in the same paragraph, it might have been smart to split them up somehow.
anyway, hope this helps, and i look foreward to the next chapter.
1545996 Oh wow, that completely flew by my head. I am usually great with my transitions, but that definite skid past my sense. Thanks for pointing that out, and I will be to watch out for those next time. Of course you can give CC along the journey into the story. Might I add that you should get comfortable because being that I have school; it will be a little difficult to get my stories written and published, but I will do my best to get it done. Thank you for the CC and I will be sure to work on it next time.
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, TWE Administrative 80's Reaper
I read, I enjoyed... I have some feedback.
What's great is that you guys have all the grammar, punctuation, and spelling accounted for. I only noticed one part in particular, where you had an unneeded comma.
After meet.
I'd like to drop a concept with you that I think will greatly enhance both the pace, and the story as a whole. Are you aware of 'showing and telling'? It's a slightly detailed process, but If you can master it, anything you write will be greatly enhanced. We should do a skype call, and I can give you the rundown.
~Syn3rgy
1557505 Indeed, I know about showing and telling. I know a lot about telling (because it is what I am best at), but I am really bad at showing. Yes, we can initiate a skype call. Whenever you see that I am online, send me a message, and I will call you after if I am online.
Im getting a Bad Company vibe from the make up and size of their unit.
Good, I like this. Though the conversation was a bit dull. Still, most first conversations tend go that way. I do like the idea of this, and I look forward to more.
1720958 All in good time. my friend. All in good time because usually a squad consist of four or more members; there are only three in this squad...
1721241 Indeed, it was a dull conversation with good reason. I hope you enjoy the other chapters that are to come.
1721605
So we're currently waiting on the "SGT. Redford" of the group before launching into shenanigans?
We already have Haggard(the Griffon), Sweetwater(lunar gaurd), and Marlow(Starz). Can't wait to see how their leader will turn out.
*Re-reads description*
So shenanigans based around the castle/base and not tearing up the country side in Nameless-istan?
I think I can see an annoyed Shining Armor from here!
This looks rather interesting.
1721670 Oh no, shenanigans will indeed take place. They don't need a captain on the squad to look stupid. Now that you bring up the subject about getting a captain, I will think about bringing in someone as their new captain.
Shining Armor will be annoyed by the things that they do, but a lot of events will take place... IDEA!!! I just figured out what I will do with this story and where to take it.
Just wait for two more chapters and everything will start to change. First, shenanigans need to take place to give this story a kick, or buck in pony's case.
1725836
Did I just kick start your creative juices and got you out a writer's block?
So they're going to get a straight man commander for the ladies to act a foil to and someone for Starz to do bitch work for?
They're going after mercenary/enemy gold while behind enemy lines aren't they?
Writer's block removal services are $150 USD!
I take cash, check, money order, wire transfer, gold bars, and electronics of equal or greater value
1729099 Writer's block removal service? $150? I am deeply sorry, but I am not very well fluent in the English language. My understanding of the foreign ideas and culture is strictly limit to an extent that which one can barely comprehend its true value.
Every other idea will be introduced in upcoming chapters, and it will answer all the question you will have I hope.
1732034
The writer's block removal service was just a joke anyways.
Hooray Globalization and the free exchange of ideas!!
*sets up lawn chair*
I shall wait here for the next chapters then
*pops open a beer and takes a sip*