A meteor storm, a silent city and an ancient secret. When the Reapers invade Equestria, Twilight and her friends find themselves behind enemy lines with no choice but to fight for survival. What will they sacrifice to return their world to the way it was?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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There is some convention and syntax errors, but nice sense of multiple events.
Have a free like for having better story than Mass Effect 3
1780300 Lol, don't be that way, Mass Effect 3 had a great story. Just because the FIRST ending, which they have since fixed, was sub-par doesn't mean the whole thing sucked.
Look at me defending games I don't even play.
1780414
So with the DLC, the god awful ending that made everyone want to burn EA HQ to the ground became a god awful ending that made everyone want to protest outside of EA HQ?
I don't see much improvement.
And yes, I played through both endings...
1780300 Thanks Dashey. This is my first fic so constructive criticism is definitely welcomed.
Chapter 1 was a bit slower and more clunky than I'd have liked but I felt that the story really started to kick off in Chapter 2.
Hmmm. I think there's no problem with your opening. It's interesting, but we've kinda got no one to relate to there. At the end of the chapter, I realised that maybe the beginning related to the fight scene, but it's not really a necessary prologue because it doesn't add anything extra to the scene. And the clinical way that it's described is not really all that engaging, so it's probably not the best bit to be repeating.
I'm no expert on explaining pacing. I think that's the thing I fail at most in my proofreader-y skills and the thing I least often comment on, but I think your pacing in this chapter is a bit funky, and that makes things somewhat boring. We get a little too much detail on things that are unimportant or uninteresting, while we don't get enough regarding important revelations and the world you're building, and the questions it inevitably brings up. My questions throughout this were: what are the reasons it doesn't happen this way in the show? Which is not to say that your scenario isn't plausible, but you need to explain why Celestia has never before offered royal guards on any of the dangerous encounters she's sent Twilight and her friends into. And why guns are better than Luna and Twilight's battle magic.
I've got some other comments I'll send to you.
I keep thinking about the usefulness of magic and why Twilight, Luna and Rarity can't just use magic to fight the enemies.
Other comments: I'm interested in where you're going. Mind-controlled Luna. Does that mean they can control other ponies, too, or do they just want the most powerful ones? Hmm. Reading on (yes, I can do that, mwahaha)
Still waiting on that Chapter 3 y'know