Chapter One Edited
"Goodbye y'all" Braeburn said "I hope to see ya again soon cuz."
"Me to Braeburn." Applejack replied "Goodbye"
Five other heads and hoofs popped out of the windows, waveing "Good Bye."
Then with a chuga chug chug the train left the station and on to Ponyville.
"I'm going to miss Pinkie Pie" Braeburn thought. "She's just so much like me."
He sighed and want back into town.
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The next day Braeburn heard a knock on the door. He quickly got dressed and answered the door.
"A letter for Braeburn."
"Thanks."
Braeburn closed the door, sat down on his couch and opened the letter.
Dear Braeburn,
I hope you are doing good. Every thing is fine here.
Anyway the real reason for writing this letter is that AJ's Birthday is April 1
and i would like you to come to Ponyville for her birthday.
Your Favorite cousin,
Big Mac
P.S. I enclosed a ticket for you
Braeburn peeked into the envelope and their was a ticket.
"Well i've better be on mah way. The train leaves in 5 minutes."
Braeburn galloped all the way to the train station. Braeburn stopped at the train station catch his breath
"All aboard whose coming abroad." Braeburn quickly trotted onto the train and sat down.
"Hi Braeburn."
Braeburn turned his head and siting next to him was a buffalo cow.
"Little Strongheart, what in tarnation are you doing here."
"I got a letter to come to Ponyville for Applejack's birthday."She repiled
"Did Silver Star let your come or did you sneak onto the train" Little Strongheart and Sheriff Silver Star were dating.
"Yes,After alot of asking that is." Little Strongheart said ,"It is annoying but it's nice that he want's to watch over me."
"Yah. That is nice"
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A hour later they arrived at Ponyville.
"Here is a map Little Strongheart."Braeburn said "So you can find your way around."
"Thanks."
"I'll see yah in later."
"You to, Good bye. Braeburn."
Braeburn walked into town but stopped when he heard a famillrer voice
"Hi Braeburn I'm soooo glad you came to Ponyville"
Braeburn turned around . There stood a pink mare with curly hair, His spirits lifted immediately
"Hi Pinke Pie. How are you doing." He asked
"I'm ding super-duper-blooper good." She repiled "Hey want to go to Sugar-Cube corner."
"Sure but what is that?" Braeburn scratch his head
"I'll show you."
Pinkie Pie grabbed Braeburn and zoomed into town and stopped at a building that looked like it was made of sundaes.
"Here it is Burnie,Sugar-Cube corner"
"Burnie?" Braeburn asked
"Oh do you not like the nickname. Oh that's mphh." Braeburn put his hoof on her mouth
"Ah like it Pinkie now let's go to Sugar-Cube corner."
Braeburn and Pinkie walked into Sugar cube cornor. Their at the counter was a blue mare with three cupcakes as her cutie mark
"Hi Mrs. Cake this Braeburn."Pinkie chirped
"Oh Hi Braburn."Mrs. Cake said
"Would you like somthing to eat.?" "
Well,,,"
"Oh don't worry it's on the house." Mrs. Cake chirped. She winked at Pinkie Pie
"Do you have a Apple pie preferably braeburn apple pie but it ain’t matter." Braburn asked
"Why we happen to have some braeburn apple pies." Mrs. Cake said
"Can you get then Pinke?"
"Yes Ms.Cake."
Pinke Bounced into another room. Braeburn notcied how cute it was.
"Here's one." Pinke said as she skipped into the room "I made it my self i hope you like but i think you well...."
Pinkie keeped rambling on as Braeburn cut his pie and eate a slice.
"Mhhh this is good." He said with his mouth fulll.
"You sound funny." Pinkie giggled "Ooo i want to do it to."
Pinkie opened her mouth and gobbled the pie tin and all
"Now i sound funny." Pinkie said.
She swallowed the pie
"What?" She asked Braeburn.
His mouth was open and he was staring at her. Pinkie felt a faint blush
"How do you do that.?" He stammered
"I don't know."
Pinkie then just realized what she did.
"I'm sorry i ate your pie." She whimpered "I can make you another one. If your want" Her hair deflated slightly.
"Oh don't be sad Pinke." Braeburn walked over to her and put his hoof on her shoulders "Let's make one togther."
"Oh thanks Burnie. Lets go."
Pinkie smiled They zoomed of the Kitchen and start making Pie.
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After a hour a delicious odor came out of Sugar-Cube corner.
"Their's our pie Burnie." Pinkie said "It was so much fun making it."
"It was fun now, lets eat it."
They sat down and started eating some Pie.
"Why did you come to Ponyville Burnie?" Pinkie asked
"AJ's birthday is on April 1." Braeburn repiled. "Ah came for her birthday."
"Yah i know i'm thorwing a party for her."
"Oh really ah din't know that?"
Pinkie and Braeburn chatted on intill it was 8:00
"Well ah better be on mah way Pinkie." Braeburn said as he started to walk out the door.
"Okay but can you pleeeaassee come to sugar cube coner tomorew pleeaasse Burnie." Pinkie begged
"Alright i'll come tomorrew bye Pinkie." Braeburn gave her a small hug and trotted out to Sweet apple acres.
Pinkie watched him go.
"Maybe, he does like me."
Pinkie then closed the door and went to bed.
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The next day Pinkie hopped out of bed and started making a braburn apple pie. After that she got all the ingredients and recipes for anything braburn apple related. Then she waited for Braeburn to come.
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Ok so you did awesome but its a little fast like I think you need to slow it down like take more timeout I loved ware its going and you write pinkie and braburn
so just work and the passing
Capitalize the pronoun "I" and add in commas after dialogue if there's more to the sentence. In addition, every time a different character speaks, start a new paragraph.
Even though I'm sure that you don't need this, I'll give examples.
-Rarity, from darkshadow051's great story, "New Discoveries"
-Alula from a story I'm working on
-My imagination
Other than these basic errors, your pacing was a bit fast. But it wasn't bad.
Okay looks abit rushed and need help on the grammer but i give anything with Pinkie Pie and Braeburn couple in it a chance
I love this pairing, but your formatting and grammar are, quite frankly, atrocious. Nice effort though.
My suggestion to you? Get a proof-reader.
1877416Thanks. I'll edit it And thanks for reading it
1879004>>1877679>>1877297Thanks for reading it. I'll edit it and try to do better in the future.
1879411
No problem!
There are some really good romances in this fandom. You can read any one of them get inspiration for your plotline, should you need it.
Improved, but I have a new set of concerns.
You didn't add commas after dialogue. (Did you ignore my awesome example earlier?
)
The letter that Big Mac wrote to Braeburn should be italicized.
Also, some apostrophe errors in there.
Examples
-Pina Colada from my Alula story
-A letter from my imagination
Keep in mind that bold, underline, or any other format like those doesn't work as well for letters as italicizing.
Instead of:
Consider:
There are many different instances in which you change from apostrophe to no apostrophe, but I'll list the main uses of the apostrophe.
1. Posessive Noun (Braeburn's, Pinkie Pie's, Twilight's, Apples' for the Apple Family)
2. Contractions (It's for 'it is,' don't for 'do not')
The others have slipped my mind at the moment, but you'll find a list at the School for New Writers along with other lectures about other slip-ups in storytelling, grammar, or the like. As a matter of fact, everything we're picking on you about has a lecture there. I'm sure you could use it.
Aside from that, your pacing is getting a bit better.
Also read the 'there, they're and their' lecture on SFNW. It'll help.
18807Thanks again.
I edited it again and i hope it's good now.
Not bad, a little fast for my tastes though.
Not bad for your first fan fic but might wanna get a proof reader/editer for your work i hope you continue the story
I would like to welcome this fic to the PinkieBurn group.
Why would Pinkie have a crush on Braeburn? Aren't they from the same family? I'm asking this because Braeburn is a member of the Apple family, & Pinkie Pie & Applejack are cousins, according to the 9th episode of season 4.
5052451 actually, the episode wasn't fully explored, so it could be false.
Also, everyone has their own canon, which allows for more freedom.
5100426 So that means Pinkie could be with Cheese Sandwich. However, on DeviantArt, people are shipping him with Coco Pommel, a pony from the 8TH episode of Season 4. 8 is Rarity Takes Manehattan, & 9 is Pinkie Apple Pie. I hame more stuff to talk about with you, but we won't let that get in the way of your work.
5101906 people already shipping Pinkie with Cheese.
I have my own head canon, with Braeburn and Pinkie are not related.
Calm Wind has his own head canon.
Fiction means we don't stick with the show.
5102018 This fanfiction began BEFORE Season 4, so it can't blend in with the present day, but you keep doing what you're doing, people are getting angry at you for not making anymore chapters.
5102907 not fully. Just somewhat impatient on different stories.
5102922 I don't care about this story, but I'm speaking for others who are becoming impatient.
5103632 I'm one.
AND ME!
DARN IT, PINKIE!
5103642 And Braeburn?
5107603 yeah, but at least he doesn't go around breaking fourth walls.
Somepony say my name?
Never mind.
5107734 Anybody & anypony else?
5108077 Hopefully, no.
Hello Darth.
Who are they? Well, at least nobody & nopony else is coming in on this.