Ruhig Fortepiano is the ambassador of an yet unnamed, but powerful military and industrial empire, performing his duties in the city of Canterlot. After months of planning, the political-economical relations between the two kingdoms are keen to change for the better in quite a short time, Ruhig, as an ambassador, having a rather direct participation. But the brand new order of things may actually not be in everyone's liking.
Will the unpredictable and somewhat odd, but kind and morally elevated ambassador manage to apprehend the intrigue evolving around his ambiance for the next days before the execution of the formalities, thus, pushing the known Equestria in a bright future ?
~~~
Cover art done by IcyBlackWing
The mare on the left is Ms. Touche Finale, the Pegasus in the center is Ruhig Fortepiano, and the aged Unicorn on the right is Mr. Presspapier.
Looks good
1875657 Thank you
i dont read adventure, but this is a good looking story. nice job
1904057 Thank you for the feed
I feel like I should want to enjoy this kind of unexpected political intrigue/courtly drama sort of fusion story. But a lot of things leap out at me just from the description. The oddly-phrased purple prose made me think there was some kind of gimmick incoming like a lipogram or similar. The fact that an ambassador comes from 'an yet unnamed, but powerful military and industrial empire' feels hopelessly convoluted and cliche, as ambassadors are government servants sent by known entities with whom some political connection has already been established, which ought to include names and general knowledge about the governors. Also this: 'the unpredictable and somewhat odd, but kind and morally elevated ambassador' screams "Two-fisted, lantern-jawed, blond-haired scientist-teacher-adventurer-archaeologist macho man" straight out of a pulp men's magazine from the 20's. Do get me wrong, I study that period with as much sincerity as I do Elizabethan drama, but if that is your intent trumpet it, be proud of a retro-future intention and make references to Doc Savage or the works of Fletcher Hanks.
As I say, I have every reason to want to like this, every reason. But the feel and look of it just... seems off, as though thing I expect are not there and things I see almost shouldn't be there.
2644137 Yup, such downfalls are present, have to agree, especially on the one with the names. Though, in the names, and the plot itself, this is a game of patience. All the important details come out, in time
3838377
A lot of people simply do not start reading fic which was not updated for a long time - too big risk of it being abandoned.
For example I have this one from like autumn or maybe summer in 'check later' list. I recall I found it accidentally but despite interesting description and zero dislikes decided to check later if it will be updated. And several times I got back here it looked like it is dead.
I planned to delete it today from my list but saw your comment.
So - what are your plans for this story ?
3916542 Well, I am quite busy. Such a life period. ^^;
But eventually, I just wish finish it and go on
PS: And such silly question. If you have read it. Do you have any opinion or critic ?
3919317
Well, I did not plan to check it now due to the reasons mentioned above. But after your question - I read it and I like it
Maybe my perception is playing tricks on me but last chapter seems to be much better quality than the fist. Also I like your characters :)
As to the critic: There are several thing that ticked me off.
1) They never use name of Ruhig's home country. Everypony keeps referring to it as 'home land', 'our country' etc never using it's name. Even Equestrians. It seems
veryterribly unnatural for me. Even if you keep hiding the name for some reasons - it cannot do for so long. Country with established diplomatic relations and decades of relationship with Equestria could not be unnamed and your characters should use some name to call it.2) Dialogue between Ms.Touche and Ruhig on the way to observatory you used to introduce reader to history between the countries is strained and too artificial.
3) Constant switching between present and past tense was a bit annoying sometimes.
4) This moment
clashes greatly with the rest of the story - while you use 3-rd person POV you describe only the things that Ruhig could see or know, and this sentence gives reader information which Ruhig cannot have. Also it is unnecessary because you gave information about Ms.Touche presence later:
5) Incident with Mr.Lock and Mr. Presspapier at observatory should have if not ruin the evening then at least be main event to talk about that evening and be all over newspapers next day. No way it could be left unnoticed.
6)
Are Mr.Lock and Mr.Focus the same person ? I thought it was Word Focus and Lock Shock...
7)
Well I think ponies are omnivores with Applejack keeping pigs etc, but in this case you meant kitchen I suppose ?
8) Ruhig's home seems a bit overpowered for me. Or at least there is too much direct praising it's power over Equestria. It does not seem to be needed by story plot.
Overall I like the story even if the fist chapters look a bit unpolished for me.
I would advice one thing though. While I personally like bigger characters (~10-20k words are the best), they do good only if you can keep constant publication rate, be it one per month or one per two months. But in this case even if you write big chapter I think it would do good to split it in smaller chapters and publish with predetermined frequency while you work on the next one. This way you will have much more visibility of the story and potential readers will see it alive.
And as matter of regular comment - I hope Ms.Touche is not culprit because she was hinted too heavily for me to be real one. Or it is at least much more complicated then her simple being hired thief.
Also now when I read it I have the next question - could you at least hint when do you plan to get back to the story ?
And thank you for the story
3919945 Wow, thank you very much for the critic. Really appreciate it
^^
Regarding its very content, I actually agree with most of the faults you mentioned
1.) The only reason I didn't mention the name of that empire is because....frankly, I didn't think of a name good enough at the moment, wanted it to be special. But I actually thought of one recently....."Campfierro" :) From the german word "Campf" meaning "war" and the Italian word "Fierro" meaning "Iron". Wanted to show that the empire is closely related to a military past and to industrial development )
2.) Agree on that one. But I still can't master exposition well enough ^^;
3.) I am not a native English speaker. So yes..... ^^;
4.) Actually.....that makes a lot of sense. It would have been a lot more natural.
5.) True.......
6.) My grammar needs perfecting ^^
With all that said, thank you very much for taking the time to read it, and bring such a well balanced critic :) I really appreciate it :>
Regarding finishing it up......
There is one or 2 more chapters left, about the same volume as the last one. Yet I can't find time to go deeper and finish them. I am very occupied, and admit it, a little lazy here
But, I really think I should force myself to finish it up already ^^
Again, thank you very much for the attention :)
3920042
I'll wait for the rest of the story
3921865 I really will try
