This is a journal, telling the story of two ponies. The journal in question washed up in a plastic baggie on a beach. It has some pages missing; so the restorer searched for the ponies mentioned in the story. One, a Miss Ribbonetta Samantha Hearthus, was found to be deceased. Her grave is in the Crystal Empire. The other, a Mrs Chentella Amigo Sombrero, was found to be living happily in a rest home in Hoovesta Rica. She agreed to fill in the blanks of Miss Hearthus's story as best she could.
Breakwater Island. A resort off the coast of Marexico. When Sombrero and I are sent there, we see it as a harmless vacation. But what has Miss Rarity really have planned for us on this island?
Chapters (7)
Die
"Meesus Rarity." Hah!
Typo. Also, in the author's note above, it says this second chapter was written by a different author?
While technically correct, the quoted text is murder if read aloud.
Bzzt. Tense switch. Try, "I hardly got any sleep at all, and when I woke up the next morning, I realized it was already eight-thirty." Parentheses are also a no-no in most writing, obsessive discretion advised.
Again with the tense. The job of an author is to tell a story that's already occurred, so if you please refrain from present tense, much grief can be avoided.
Imma stop you right there.
Bzzt. Delete.
Clever! Well done. Though, later in this scene, you switch from present to past tense once more. Why is that?
I've already beat the tense problem to death, now I'll move on to description. Whenever you have to add the suffix -looking onto an adjective, you're leaving too much open to the reader to interpret. It's a lot of work to interpret that kind of vagueness. Do you want to entertain your reader, or make them work?
Especially considering you prove in the following sentences that you're completely capable of providing an ample description.
This would all be a lot better if the first person comments were formatted like thoughts, i.e.,
Sentence fragment. Replace the period with a comma and decaptitalize the B.
No complaints, just felt that this was worth quoting.
This is actually remarkably entertaining dialogue, but the issue is that you never describe the second party at all, not even to clarify, perhaps, what her voice sounds like.
Bzzt. Try, "I wake up a while later, without even realizing I had apparently fallen asleep."
Get rid of the parentheses and you'll be A-okay.
*inside.
Again with the unnecessary parentheses. Also, I'd suggest slightly toning down the maturity aspect (i.e. condoms), because the story was plenty enjoyable without that image present.
Pardon me, but I don't remember ribbons (specifically, those being tightly attached to hooves) being mentioned before this point in the story. That's a significant problem. You need to set the scene for us at some point, preferably at the beginning of the chapter, especially since they're apparently what the guards use to track the contestants (which is awfully convenient, if you ask me, but that frame of thought is another beast entirely).
Germane?
*plow
The rest is on my read later list, at least for now. You and your apparent partner share a remarkable writing style that's unfortunately marred by gramatical errors and the other conundrums mentioned above. If it's more fleshed out, it would definitely be deserving of more praise, and I can see this getting on Equestria Daily if enough work is put into it. The problems are fixable, make no mistake, but you have to be willing to fix them.
If you like, you can contact me via PM and we can work out a more thorough editing schedule. In the meantime, I do hope you take into account the advice I've provided so far. This story has the potential to be excellent, and I would hate to see it fall short.
Cheers,
-Mindblower
Mindblower pretty much said it all, but I'll add that I can't help but be reminded of "Dress.MOV" when I read "Meesus Rarity." Yet I don't see a Comedy tag here...