Voice of Reason II – The Problem
Five and a half months before the end of harmony
Princess Celestia knocked gently on the dormitory door, her breath held as she readied herself. She’d done this before so many times. She shouldn’t be fazed by this anymore. Her instincts, however, told her that this shouldn’t come naturally, that it shouldn’t simply be another act she had to carry out. It wasn’t just anypony behind that door. It was a friend.
“Come in,” came a voice barely above a whisper.
Celestia pushed open the door to find scattered papers, disorganised living space and a pony hunched over a desk at the end of the room, staring out of the window. She stepped towards him, nodding to her guards for a moment’s peace.
“I never noticed how beautiful this place was,” the stallion remarked, his smile overshadowed by the barrage of tears across his face. “Even when you first took me in I could hardly even see it. The way the pillars twist and turn. The way birds circle the trees in the courtyard. The way the sky contrasts against the earth…” He turned towards the Princess, taking a deep breath. “It puts things into perspective.”
“I take it you already know what I’m about to tell you.”
Voice of Reason smiled harder, his eyes swelling to near bursting point. “Thank you for trying, Princess. I really do mean that.” He looked away for a moment, taking in the view outside once again. “How long do I have?”
Celestia moved closer, draping the tip of her wing on his back. “We don’t know for sure,” she said softly, feeling the onset of anxiety. “At best, you’ll live another two or three years. At worst…” She cleared her throat, regaining her composure. “Six months. Once the tumour grows large enough, your brain function will begin to deteriorate. After that, you’ll lose control of your bodily functions. I’m sorry.”
“I know.”
There was a moment of tender silence before the Princess spoke again. “There was something you wanted to do, wasn’t there? In case this happened.”
“If it’s not too much to ask.”
“By all means.”
Voice of Reason arched his back, stretching his weary limbs. He’d been sitting in that same spot for almost two days. “I was never fortunate enough to have friends. After what happened with my father, I found it difficult to do anything. It’ll come as no surprise that I never really formed any kind of relationship with anypony. After something like that, I couldn’t trust anyone.” He gazed deeply into Celestia’s eyes, forcing the corners of his mouth into a grin. “But you showed me that I should learn to trust. I… I think I’m ready.”
Celestia smiled comfortingly. “I know you are. I’ll make the arrangements. I think you and I both know what needs to be done.”
“It would mean the world to me.”
“Then I’ll write a letter to Twilight about your situation. If there’s anypony I trust, it’s the Elements of Harmony.”
“Please, don’t!” Voice cried with exasperation. “I don’t… I don’t want them to pity me. That’s why I don’t want any more doctors or shrinks. I want to experience the magic of friendship the way it should be. And when the time comes, I’ll tell them myself. Please… At least let me have this.”
It took all of five seconds for the Princess to mull things over and nod sagely. “As you wish.”
“Thank you! Thank you!” Voice leapt from his seat and embraced Celestia’s foreleg. “You truly are a saint. Thank you! Thank you!”
“It is the least I can do.”
Celestia trotted back into the hallway and reunited with her guards. As she paced her way back towards the exit, she was met with her sister walking towards her. The Princess of The Night looked furious.
“What brings you here, dearest sister?” asked Celestia.
“Have you already spoken with him?” Luna blasted, her face tensed.
“Yes. And I have decided to let him stay with the Elements for a while.”
“Don’t be so foolish, Celestia! Do you really not see the problem?”
The royal guards appeared unsettled, as if they were expecting a full-on brawl between the two alicorns. A small gesture from Celestia, and they backed off. “I do not think the problem is as big as you seem to believe. Twilight is stronger than you know and her friends are just the same. I owe this stallion.”
“You say that the Elements are strong, and I agree with you. However, this is far too reckless. To palm off a dying pony and expect them to cope—”
“Voice has requested that we do not tell them, and I have given him my word. He will tell them when he is ready.”
“You did what?” Luna shook her head in disbelief. “I hope you understand what you are doing, sister, because I do not. The Elements are not experimental guinea-pigs for you to prod; they are not here to be tested for such things as this!”
“Calm yourself, Luna. You and I both know that Twilight will eventually become one of us, and she’ll have to deal with these things in due time. Out of all the ponies I know, they are the ones most likely to give Voice the final few days that he deserves. I am doing this out of kindness, not cruelty, and certainly not stupidity.”
Luna backed away, refusing to face her sibling. “I hope you’re right,” she seethed, and began to walk in the other direction.
Celestia reassured the guards, but reminded them to keep quiet about this affair. Equestria would surely overreact to the bickering of its two rulers. She sighed, and carried on with her day, trying to forget what Luna had said.
Meanwhile, Voice had bolted the door to his room. He had cleared the desk entirely save for a single leaf of parchment. The stallion smiled to himself, tossing aside his quill and picking up a small pack of crayons from the floor. He singled out three colours — purple, pink and blue — and began to draw.
He was a dead pony walking.
And he couldn’t be happier.
Short, but interesting chapter. Sure puts earlier events in a new light.
One thing, though. In one paragraph talking about Voice of Reason, it reads "He'd been sat in the same place for almost 2 days." Unless somepony else forcibly put him there and made him sit down, it it should be "He'd been sitting."
2168998
Duly noted and changed accordingly. I know this chapter was short, but the Voice segments have to be split up based on certain events that would actually be memorable. (Since they don't occur very often, it's important that I don't overstep the mark or leave readers wondering where the last chapter left off)
I'm happy to have some more comments, though. They mean more to me than up-votes or faves. It's great to know that people are still sticking with it and not just leaving it on the back-burner. Big things are in the pipeline... May you all speculate away!
2199729
Hooray! Someone who actually likes the first chapter!
I had to do a double take when I read your comment because I thought 'AHA' was some kind of Alan Partridge reference. Of course I now realise that you meant Authors Helping Authors...
I like the Rosa part of the story so far, but the reason I don't like the first and current chapters is that they're not quite connected to the story. Maybe I'm but I'm not sure where they fit in, yet.
2211403
The Voice segments occur within the same universe as the rest of the fic, though they are set within a different time-frame. While 'Voice of Reason' could technically have been written as a separate fic, it ties in with a lot of stuff that will happen later on in the main story. However, I deliberately chose to tell that side of the story piece by piece throughout, rather than all at once. (I have my reasons) I can assure you that I am not just 'switching' to the Voice story if I get a bit of writer's block for the rest. If you're not keen on these parts, don't worry. You won't see them very often. Rosa's story is the main focus.
Anyway, thank you for adding this fic to your faves. (I see you've also added PTMM! ) I really hope you enjoy my future updates. This is by far my most ambitious fic and I hope you're in for the long haul because so far, we've barely even scratched the surface.
Well, okay time for, yes, an Authors Helping Authors review, my apologies for the earlier ambiguity, haha. (And yes, I did quite like your first chapter, though it sort of fell by the wayside in the wake of the Erudito arc)
Story: Legacy: The end of Harmony
Grammar Score out of 10: 8 - Most of your grammar is pretty spot on, just a few bits where you change tense or perspective, but my biggest gripe is how you write numbers in numerical digits. A story flows much smoother when you write the numbers as words (i.e. "another two or three years"). Another oddity I've picked up is how you use "Led" to mean "lay or lying down". I've never seen it used that way before and it stands out every time I see it. That could just be a personal thing though.
Pros:
- You've set up your original characters impeccably well, and they're easy to connect to and sympathise with. I particularly like Summer Sun with her bubbly attitude despite her lack of a cutie mark.
- Your writing style is very descriptive and its easy for me to get lost in the world you're weaving with your words. The descriptions and events can get quite wordy and at times seem superfluously so, but while that may deter some people, I find it adds deeper levels and meaning to your writing.
- Your character's interactions with other ponies, as well as the general situations they find themselves in, are completely believable. Rosa's awkwardness around Sparks and other ponies in general is spot on, as well as her disgruntled attitude towards her parents interference in her placid lifestyle.
Cons:
- The way you've set out your chapters (their titles in particular) can get somewhat confusing. E.g. when I say "Chapter Two" of this story, it's unclear as to whether I'm referring to chapter 2 of the Erudito Volume, or chapter 1, seeing as chapter 1 of Erudito is chapter 2 of the whole story. This ties in to my next point, which is:
- The two storylines of Twilight and Rosa don't seem connected at all. It's even blatantly clear that Rosa's arc is set a significant amount of time after the events of Twilight's, and I'm not entirely sure any way of linking them would make much sense. It just seems like you're telling two completely different stories and the chapter titles only reinforce that.
- Currently, the story is at 37 thousand words (34k if you discount Twilight's arc) and not much has really happened at all in the way of an "unexpected series of events" as promised in the summary. Unless you count her parents intervening in her life, but that's not really unexpected at all. It's fine as a romance story, if that's where its staying, but if much more time (or words) pass before the metaphorical bass drops, then it's going to seem like an unnecessary curve-ball in an otherwise good romance story.
Notes:
I find myself getting quite absorbed in this story and if I had enough followers to make a difference, I'd recommend it in my blog. I've always been a sucker for a good romance, but as I said, before long, any intervention of Dark or Adventure tags are going to seem more than a little out of place. There were a few mistakes I picked up on (such as minor spelling, grammar, tense and perspective derps) that could easily be polished off with a good proof-read, but you wouldn't need to worry too much unless you're trying to get onto EQD (They've picked me up on a few minor misuses of semi-colons and ellipses, that's how picky they are). At any rate, I look forward to future updates, as you seem to have left us at quite a cliffhanger in both arcs.
Enjoy your review! If you could check out my story Never too Shy to Love that'd really help me out, thanks!
Pony on my friend.
True Blood
2212016
Thank you ever so much for reviewing! Now comes my time to chip in on what you've said.
First off, I'm really happy that you're enjoying it. Deep characterization and detailed descriptions were exactly what I wanted when I set out to write this fic and I'm glad it's been picked up on by readers such as yourself. People tend to shun OC-heavy fics so it's great to hear kind words about recommendations etc. (And Summer happens to be one of my favourite characters to write, also)
With regards to writing numbers out in full, I probably should have done that. If I feel like it, I may go through everything I've written and change it all. (Though I swear I read some article saying that writing numbers out is pointless... Hmmm... I probably shouldn't have taken any notice of that)
As for the link between the two story arcs, the overwhelming ambiguity is something that I thought would be a problem. Originally, I wasn't going to have the Voice arc at all, and was just going to reference stuff that had happened in the past. However, I think that would've been the lazy route and would probably be quickly forgotten by the readers. Despite this, I knew that I couldn't just post the Voice arc all in one go and then switch to the rest for various reasons. The placing of each update to the Voice arc is deliberate, though they will be few and far between compared to the rest of the story. The link between the arcs will not become apparent for some time, but it's there. Sorry for any confusion.
As for your third point, I get that it's taking a while to get going, but I really didn't want to rush things. A major concern I have with a lot of OC fics is that character development often feels clunky and unnatural. Sometimes it's not even clear if a character does something because that's just the way they are or because of a personal change, and it makes it difficult to empathize with them. Yes, things are moving slowly, but gradual development is what I want for this story. I have four planned volumes (It's gonna be huge and I kind of hate myself for attempting something this ambitious ) so a vague synopsis was all I could really muster. Things will change for Rosa over the course of the story, however. As for what and how, I'll leave that for you to speculate.
I don't mean for this to come off as some defensive rant telling you that you're wrong or something like that because you've made valid points. I just thought it was worth weighing in on things with my own explanations. The next update should be here by the weekend, and I sincerely hope you enjoy the rest of the story. Expect plenty of surprises.
OK, I'll add your fic to favourites and get to reviewing it fairly soon.
2211901 Oh, I understand the tie to the story as a big temporal jump that will tie in somehow, it just seemed that the jumps in time were random so I was confoozed
Anyways, yeah, I'm interested in this story and can't wait to read it as it develops, so I'll be sticking around!
PTMM also is really good, and am excited for it to be written, too. I totally didn't stalk you.
I'm back! Sorry again for the delays. Balancing two jobs is tricky, especially with the busy wedding season coming to a close. I am trying to hack away at this as promised!
I am glad to see Voice of Reason return, though it did feel like it took a little longer than I had hoped. While I am curious to see how this arc unfolds, I am enjoying Rosa's arc much better. You've taken great lengths to flesh out those characters, which makes them enjoyable to read. So much so that the Voice of Reason arc seems somewhat off off putting. I think more input on this arc would make it flow in more naturally.
Just my current two cents, but expect me to nickel and dime in more as I continue to read. In the meantime, I hope to knock out some more chapters as I wait for my work computer to get fixed. Then it's back to work for me!