zombiebwains
Joined 19th Jan, 2013 ·
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If nothing else, zombiebwains, the quality of your writing is consistent.
if there is more coming, then why is it labeled as complete?
You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...
Right off the bat, don't ever...ahem, excuse me...You don't EVER write a cupcakes rip-off (unless you don't want to get a good like-dislike ratio or you are a superb writer (nothing personal, but I don't think that you are).
Already, so the story's over and I can go home?
Lemme rephrase that for you.
Look, just...just no. No one likes this kinda story except for the writer (any maybe the kid who's birthday it was. Happy birthday to him), going in with the intent of being the end-all hero and saving everything just doesn't work out, EVER (unless it's satire).
What next, is he gonna offer candy and ask you to get into his van to help find his puppy? On another note, this sucks. Nothing personal, but there's simply nothing of any value going on, it's all so goddamned boring, dull! Plain and simple, you have a LOT of work to do if you want to get into creative writing and if you aren't willing to put in that work, then you're going nowhere any time soon because good creative writing ain't easy.
One place to start is punctuation:
Beginning of quotes need to be capitalized and at the end (depending on the situation) you need some form of punctuation.
Two of those things should be, 'what mental hospital did he escape from' and 'can I outrun him'. You'd have to lack sanity if you took someone like this seriously on whim. If the character isn't mentally stable then please continue, otherwise: scrap and revise.
I can't say that I live there, but a relative does and I don't remember Conn. being a dump to any degree.
New speakers get new paragraphs. Also, indent paragraphs.
God, this is painful to read. It's flat, boring, lacks any decent detail, and is completely unrealistic. I don't care if the character is a dumbass, no one would be chill with the fact that they got teleported to a new land.
Bro...you already are.
For the record, I enjoyed Cupcakes.
This really gets annoying when words are dun goof'd like this.
Yeah, totally. I mean, it isn't as if your character is in the middle of a mother effing town in the middle of the day with ponies walking to and fro as they always do every freakin' DAY!. Oh wait, yes you are. There would be ponies everywhere and your character would be seen almost instantly.
What you do is scrap the story and quit while you're ahead, something that would've ended better for this story.
And the Captain Obvious award goes to...
I think that it would be a bit hard for you to fit through the digestive tract of a duck...oh wait.
Ducts, not ducks, genius. Run stories through a Google Drive document or a Word Document prior to posting to get rid of any mistakes.
Darn, I was hoping for one of those bad endings that come around not often enough.
Wow, this is actually getting interesting now. I didn't actually think I'd be getting to point out any gore mistakes you made.
Or I'm not. Oh well, the fingers part coulda used a lot more detail.
So, all in all, you have to improve of pretty much all areas if you wanna write any good fiction. I'd go into more detail, but I've got things to do.
Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise, good luck and farewell.
/)
Another Cupcakes spin-off, desperately yet futilely trying to garner the same kind of notoriety as the original?
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9ag6yF3VE1qgkifyo1_400.jpg
Originality, pal, look it up.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lxr6jyQrLb1r3zat8.gif
I thought it was O.K. but that is just me. Apparently I like stories others don't. it does need some major improvement and I think if you are dedicated you can do it.
Just keep trying
>>Warren Peace (By the way, excellent pun of a name, good sir) I think you hit the nail on the head for the most part, but there's one other thing I wanted to point out.
that's why there's not a second part,