I awoke in the Canterlot dungeon, stripped of my identity. I have no specific memory but have general knowledge of pony life. I can't remember my name. I have no cutie mark and no clues to who I am at all.
Chapters (5)
Nolongerposting
Joined 10th Mar, 2013 ·
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Best to proof-read this yourself, or better yet, get a proof-reader to see the mistakes you made in the story.
Very good.
I look forward to future chapters.
2311048
I'm working on it right now.
Glad to know that you liked it.
Not bad
I now dub thee amnesia the pony.
"I tried to shy away from her but she just swooped down and gave me a huge" I spent a couple minutes thinking of the word that would come after huge, eventually I realized you probably meant hug.
Also, the main character hasn't spoken yet. I half expect her (I think its a her, you haven't really made it too clear) first words to be "fus ro dah!"
2313537
Actually I think I meant Huge and forgot to add hug in after it...oops I'll fix it in a minute. Thanks for pointing it out!
Shweet.
Mysterious recognition.
Chapter, Y U No LONGER!?!?! Glad to see another chapter after so long. Have you procrastinating with bioshock infinite too?
2371338
Sorry that it isn't longer... I haven't had access to a computer and writing on my phone is a pain. Also I've been switching writing chapters for my two fanfics but I think that im gonna finish up this one and then continue my other story, mostly because I can see the end of this one and I already know the last line. Now I just have to connect the dots and get from one to the next. Also it's really nice to know that people are coming back and continuing to read my story. Thank you.
YAY
New chapter.
2414580
Glad you're excited. Hopefully I can get the last chapter done fairly quickly.
Aside from a few mistakes, like
"In a split second I realize just how high up we were and my wings looked to my sides. Plummeting I try and calm myself dow"
Should be locked, and this repetition
" I never seen anypony perform a dive like that a dive like that. "
There was a couple on the previous chapter as well, however this story is well written regardless and I have enjoyed the chapters, a sequel would be great!
Also keep up the good work.
2416665
Thank you for pointing those out to me. That would have been me trying to finish the chapter last night and not really double checking it. I was just ready to get the chapter done.
I got a basic theory of why Rainbow Dash is getting memories that she doesn't think are true. I think the blast from the memory spell caused it so everypony within the radius of the blast got affected and are remembering forgotten memories. Just my thoughts!
2423071
Interesting theory but no. There are other reasons why Rainbow Dash is getting weird memories
Loved it. I feel the strangeness of the story and the mystery behind how the pegasus got to where she was, why she couldn't remember who she was, and what will happen later on. I caught a few mistakes but it didn't bother me so they didn't ruin the experience.
2429387
I know that there are mistakes but Im glad that they're not major enough to distract you. Who exactly she is gets explained in the next (and last) chapter but the details aren't overly specific and so Im thinking I might create a sequel with more of her backstory and why she lost her memory. I'll also go through and edit this story once im done to fix any mistakes.
You did great on the story. As for the chapters 5, 3, 4, 2, 1.
Yes i want more........ if that is ok with you
2455683
Thanks I'm glad that you liked and thanks for rating the chapters.
2455693 You're welcome. To follow up on this fic are you gonna do a large story of her before she lost her memory, just keep going from where you left off, or something else entirely?
2455688
Glad to hear that you want more. I have a lot of thoughts on how to continue this so it might take me a week or so to figure out how I want it to work out and to write it but I'll try and get it out as soon as I can.
2455698
I've had ideas for both and I might possibly do both or combine them into one. I've also had an idea for what might have happened if she hadn't sided with the Elements and had sided with Discord. But I think I'd have to write what happens in the timeline first to be able to make an alternate reality.
But most importantly I'm pretty sure I'm planning on continuing.
2455711 Awesome can't wait
Okay, story line? Good. Plot? Good. Details? Good. Spacing? Bad. Grammar? Good. And Spelling is good. I just find it hard to read without proper spacing between paragraphs, and HELL YEAH MAKE A SEQUEL!
2462808
Proper space? I'm confused on that. But I'm glad that you liked the rest of it. And I'm pretty sure that I'm going to make a sequel or two
2462840
Like, the chapters are too tightly crammed together. Lemme give you an example
WORDSWORDSWORDSWORDSWORDS
WORDSWORDSWORDSWORDSWORDS
The spacing, is too tight I would do it like this.
WORDSWORDSWORDSWORDSWORDS
WORDSWORDSWORDSWORDSWORDS
Just so readers can get some distinction between paragraphs.
2462848
Oh. Okay that makes more scene. Thanks
2462853
Your welcome :D
First off, wow- credit where credit is due. Amnesia plots are notoriously overused. It's really *really* hard to make them compelling because most readers have already encountered a bajillion different variations on the idea. The chances of the bajillionty-first (Of course that's a real number- why are you looking at me like that?) being sufficiently different from all the others to actually be interesting is staggeringly low. This story's conceit- not only is the amnesiac missing her memories but everyone who ever knew her has had their memories altered- has probably been done before, but I for one have never seen it. I've got to give you huge props for that.
Unfortunately, while you had a good core idea, the execution stumbles in a few places:
1) Character voices: The characters often don't sound or act like you would expect them to. For instance, when Applejack explains to the CMC that the protagonist doesn't have a cutie mark, it sounds like she's quoting from a medical journal. Her dialog in that instance should have been a lot more informal. I ain't just referrin' to her accent disappearin' all of sudd'n, neither- though it don' help matters none.
2) Everyone appears to be suffering from Expositionitis. Too often, a character will suddenly launch into a huge uninterrupted piece of dialog. Pure exposition should be avoided where possible (hence the old adage, "show don't tell"), but when unavoidable, it's more natural to have a back and forth conversation. Other characters ask questions and the one doing the exposition responds with pertinent information.
Having a mute protagonist introduces additional difficulty. When she is alone with another character, her inability to ask questions directly makes it difficult to avoid a stilted-sounding conversation.
3) Grammar, grammar, occasionally spelling and grammar. (Why yes I am aware that wasn't a complete sentence. Hypocrisy ho!) Normally, I don't call people out on these things. I genuinely, acutely despise nit-picking Grammar Nazis. If there are only occasional errors, I can easily ignore them. In this case, though, the story was absolutely littered with grammar and spelling problems. The biggest issue is the constant switching of case between present and past tense. Sometimes both tenses were present in the same sentence I am reading. (I sincerely hope you can see why that sort of error is distracting to a reader.)
This story desperately needs to be passed under the eyes of a proof-reader. Heck- I'd be happy to do it for you myself, but I suspect you're probably tired of listening to my criticism at this point.
Bottom line- as much as I liked the core idea and wanted to like the story, the problems in execution are forcing a regretful thumbs-down from me.
2632125
Thank you for taking the time to tell me why you didn't like my story and how I could make it better. It's really helpful.
I'm glad to hear that I had an 'original' idea with how I played out my amnesiac mute pony. The story started off with me being bored one night saying "Why not let's write a mlp Fanfiction". I took the character I was roleplaying with threw her into the first chapter. About half way through chapter one I realized I had no clue where this was going so I just had her go to Ponyville because Celestia always sends her problems to Twilight and the others. While writing chapter 2 I realized I had yet to give a description and when I went to describe her I realized that I had used Rainbow's mane and tail when I used a pony generator and that gave me the idea to make her Rainbow's sister. The other details came a little bit later and I was determined to finish this story because this is sadly the longest piece of writing I've ever finished because I get distracted easily and I'm always getting new ideas.
As for being 'out of character' with the dialog, that was because I haven't watched the show in a while. And Applejack's accent is me being horrible at writing with an accent. I live in the Midwest and we have virtually no accent other than hard Rs.
The huge chunks of dialog probably come from the fact that I will jump into long noninterupted rants about something and my friends know better than to interrupt me because I'll pull them in to a discussion that I will never drop. As for having the character mute I have always wanted to write a story where the last line is the main character's first line in the entire story.
Now on the issue of grammar and spelling I know that those are my two weakest points, especially when it comes to switching tenses. I did start fixing the tense issue but then I got distracted and now it's lying in a notebook somewhere in my room which looks like a tornado hit it. My friend who I normally have edit doesn't like mlp so I wouldn't ask her to edit for me so I had to do it myself which is needless to say not very much, consisting mostly of me throwing the chapter into word and then fixing anything that came up and calling it good. And that's bad I know that.
I would really like to say thank you because I've been wondering why people weren't liking my story but they'd just down thumb it and then leave and you actually took the time to write an explanation as to why you didn't like it. Thank you.
4873797
Which is the problem with the Human mind, remembrance is dangerous.
4873802
All you have is words which fray the mind, naught more. What can you do?
4873814
They bring some comfort to the distress and frantic mess.
4873823
It is of the better that I topple you. For if I don't we are slaves to an eternity.
4873837
The hectic scramble that is life is a better destiny... a better fate, then what you have in store for us.
4873853
But it is not what we want.
A life of eternal happiness and peace IS NOT A LIFE WORTH LIVING!
4873869
It is naught but a rock, something beautiful? Something to behold.
Something to show that the world is real.
Otherwise what is it? A mirage of a perfect world drowning itself in unwashed misery?
4873885
So you are made of dream? A corporeal entity?
4873902
Then if you are so confident I won't understand, why won't you show me? Allow understanding and peace may form.