- Member Since 30th Jan, 2013
- offline last seen Apr 15th, 2022
metroid_freak
Proud citizen of the Upper Echelon of Mediocrity!
metroid_freak
Joined 30th Jan, 2013 ·
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"You're gonna love my nuts."
First thing that came to mind when I saw the cover.
Wrong ad, but this concept's got me interested.
Thumbs up!
This was a great little comedy story! Have my fav and like!
2258052
Glad you liked it!
2254886
I wanted to include that line but there was just no way I could and still stay true to the story. Maybe next time?
best ad ever
2261902
Ha ha, didn't actually look at it like that. Thanks!
Ha! I identify with Spike here because I too had been intrigued to buy stuff as seen in tv.!
Alright! Only gonna do this once, so I better make this count! Time to read, proofread, and review metroid_freak’s “Sham Now!”.
As always, to edit an error I may point out, use Ctrl+F to open the “search” function, copy what I put in quotes, and paste it in the search bar. It’ll help you find exactly where the error is so you can edit it however you see fit.
… “about Celestia only knew.” – Place hyphens between ‘Celestia’, ‘only’, and ‘knew’.
… “it…and stopped” – With the third-person narrative, it’s considered bad form to use an ellipsis for the narrator, since the narrator shouldn’t be capable of pausing, making exclamatory statements, or pose questions. That’s what the characters are for.
… “of worry...and yawned.” – See above regarding the ellipsis.
… “Spike replied dismissively. “If you’ll excuse me,” – Honestly, if Spike’s being dismissive, as shown from his reply, it sounds more in-character if “If you’ll excuse me” wasn’t said, and he just said he was going to order some.
… “simply could not believe” – Shorten ‘could’ and ‘not’ to ‘couldn’t’.
… “youth and naiveté” – Actually, if you’re going to use accents, ‘naiveté’ should be ‘naïveté’.
… “a real-world lesson!” – The exclamation mark isn’t really needed here, plus it’s the narrator using it, which I mentioned before as being bad form.
… “they’re called and I” – Place a comma between ‘called’ and ‘and’.
… “crash and managed” – Place a comma between ‘crash’ and ‘and’.
… “whilst knocking the box onto his stomach” – I thought Twilight was holding the box… Please clarify this in the story, so that either Spike rolls into Twilight, or she places the box on the table prior to Spike’s appearance.
… “the ones…you guessed it…seen on TV.” – Remove ‘… you guessed it…’. This isn’t for the sake of ellipsis, but for it directly speaking to the audience, which shouldn’t occur in a third-person story (unless Pinkie’s doing it). I recommend the following: ‘the ones – as to be expected – seen on TV.’.
… “as if cradling an infant Messiah.” – For the sake of keeping religion out, replace ‘infant Messiah’ with ‘foal’.
… ““Awe, do we” – ‘Awe’ should either be ‘Aww’, or ‘Aw’. ‘Awe’ means ‘shock’.
… “Twilight roller her eyes” – ‘roller’ should be ‘rolled’.
… “upon reaching which they were greeted” – A better way to phrase this would be, “being greeted upon reaching the store,”.
… “anypony in the general vicinity” – Change ‘anypony’ to ‘everypony’.
… “manoeuvred the” – ‘manoeuvred’ should be ‘maneuvered’.
… “as she razed the small towel with a blue flame over and over” – ‘raze’ actually MEANS ‘to destroy’, and since it doesn’t get destroyed, it doesn’t make sense to use it. Consider ‘torched’ as a substitute, or a word that means ‘to damage’ rather than ‘to destroy’.
… ““Let’s face
it.” – ‘it.’ should be on the same line as ‘Let’s face’.
… “Biblical proportions” – ‘Biblical’ insinuates a ‘bible’. Consider “global” as a substitute.
… “fatal Crusading sessions” – By itself, ‘Crusading’ shouldn’t be capitalized.
… “polish her Lyre” – ‘Lyre’ shouldn’t be capitalized.
… “Bonbon found a use” – The proper spelling of her name is ‘Bon Bon’.
… “then re-shelf all” – ‘re-shelf’ should be ‘reshelve’.
… ““Awe, are you” – ‘Awe’ should be ‘Aw’, or ‘Aww’.
This was a pretty good read, though there are some complaints I have. For all the good it brings, such as the chemistry between Twilight and Spike as a duo capable of producing laughs with their banter and actions, there were some moments where I'd simply pause and wonder "Wait, huh?". Mainly, these were during the second experiment scene involving the hacksaw (believable) and the chainsaw (Huh? In a TREE!?). Another thing that stuck out, was Rarity's use of it: A fabric? That implies that it can be weaved and sewn into various forms to suit Rarity's needs, but if it's indestructible, how could she use needles to sew through it?
The story sure fits the tags, but I'm not really into most forms of comedy. I suppose another complaint would be the longer-winded paragraphs seeming out of place. I mean the ones involving naming multiple ponies' uses of the towels, or the massive section involving the use of the hacksaw and chainsaw. These seemed to break the 'brief-paragraph' flow that had been going on for most of the story up until this point, which distracted me, admittedly more than it should have.
What DOES the story have? A simple plot, good conversation-usage with characters, nicely-flowing comedy bits that don't seem forced into the dialogue or events of the story, and the premise of Twilight trying to go all out to disprove everything about the product is certainly believable. The only thing that I really have KEEPING me from favoriting it, is the simplicity. There's really no meaning aside from the obvious "Omnipotent object that shouldn't be omnipotent", and it feels like more could've been done, like maybe ordering more of those, or Twilight seeing another commercial......... like Mighty Thirsty.
3217287
All of that is perfectly fair criticism. Simple comedy isn't for everyone and I'm certainly no Nobel winner but I'm glad you enjoyed it anyway. Thanks for pointing that stuff out. I'll be sure to learn from it.
3217383 It's worthy of note, that I was going into this expecting, like, one error every 100 words. I'm glad you're so devoted to the editing process that I was proven wrong.
It's good to be proven wrong when expecting errors: It means the average writer on FIMfiction is improving, and that makes me feel overjoyed.
Either that, or you're just far superior to the average.
Either way, you have my gratitude.
Newer heard of ShamWow before, but its a funny story.
ps. here's the ShamWow infomercial.
This was a fun little story!
Interesting, but what never ceases to amaze me is how people didn't see the scam coming from a mile away! IT'S IN THE NAME! “SHAM” WOW!! IT'S SELF EXPLANITORY!! It wasn't going to work in the first place!!
7431912 hey! dont you diss the ShamWow! thats the best thing since bread. (but really, it actually works my parents bought 10 when i was a kid and now i have some in my own house)
7618533 my buddy bought one and it turned out to be a total ripoff. The guy that produced them actually got arrested for false advertising.
7618583 really? huh, i guess my parents got them when they first came out so maybe the downgraded in shamigoodness as time went on
.
7618628 that would be my guess. Anyway guys if you enjoyed the video drop a like down below and don't forget to subscribe, and I will see you guys next time!
just got the possible monty python reference