Chapter 1: The Little Unicorn And Her Big Secret
The wind howled violently as Cindy tried to sleep beside a tree in the Everfree Forest. Although she was scared of the Everfree Forest, like most other ponies, she still decided that it was best to stay away from Ponyville. She didn't like to be in big crowds. She prefered to be alone, without anyone annoying or pestering her. Besides, she had a big secret that she wouldn't like to reveal.
When she was almost asleep, Cindy heard a loud roar that seemed nearby. Her eyes shot open. She leaped into a nearby thorny bush and curled into a ball. As the thorns pierced her coat, she winced in pain, but she didn't dare make a noise in case if the owner of the roar heard her. She stayed there until she couldn't bear the pain anymore, then she peered out of the bush for dangers. Infront of her, was a large, brown bear peering viciously at her.
Cindy immediately pulled her head back into the bush, hoping that the bear didn't see her. She heard the bear roaring again, and then she felt the bush moving. Oh no! She thought. The bear must've spotted me! The bear whined when the thorns struck it's paw, but continued bashing at the thorn bush anyway. When the bear had bashed away so much of the bush that Cindy could almost see it, she began to panic. What will happen when that bear catches me? She implored. Will I die? I don't want to die! I wish someone could rescue me... After a while of bashing, the bear finally abolished enough of the bush to see Cindy.
Cindy closed her eyes tightly, and curled into a ball, knowing that she couldn't run away from the bear even if she ran as fast as she could. The bear was just about to bite her when Cindy heard a quiet voice and the bear canceled it's action and backed away. "Stop," the voice said softly. " What are you bashing at?" Cindy opened one eye, and saw that the bear wasn't attacking her. She wondered who the voice belonged to. She peered over the remains of the bush, and saw a yellow pegasus with pink hair standing there.
The pegasus looked at her. "Oh my," she said with disbelief. "A unicorn filly?" Cindy curled into a ball in the remains of the bush, out of sight of the pegasus. The pegasus walked over quietly to her. "Don't be frightened," she smiled. "I'm a friend." Cindy uncurled herself and peered up at the pegasus. "D-Did... Did you save me from that bear?" She whispered, pointing at the bear. She wasn't sure if she should've trusted the pegasus, but she talked to her anyway, since she did save her after all.
"Save you?" The pegasus asked with a laugh. "She was just messing around with you, little one. I'm sure she didn't mean any harm. I'm Fluttershy, and I'm friends with most creatures near Ponyville." She peered around. "But I- I'm not sure about the Everfree Forest. The creatures here are... well... dangerous... and... well... I don't like dangerous things..." Cindy perked up her ears and said, "They aren't that scary once you live here... Like that crazy zebra that lives in a hut somewhere around her that I met yesterday, she ain't scared of any creatures here. I myself, am a little scared, though bu-" Fluttershy cut her off mid-sentence by asking quickly, "Don't you have parents that should be taking care of you?"
"No."
"You don't?"
"I'm an orphan."
"Oh... Well... Would you like to come with me instead of being all alone in this dangerous forest?"
Cindy stared at Fluttershy. It was a nice offer, but Cindy still didn't know if she could trust her. She thought for a while. She didn't like living alone, but she didn't trust anyone to take care of her. Eventually, she agreed to go with her.
While Fluttershy brought Cindy to her house, Cindy asked her what she was doing in the Everfree Forest in the first place. "Oh," She replied. "I was getting some food for my critter friends, and while I was getting food for the bear, she smelled something. So she went outside my house and started following the scent.
"Meanwhile, I could find the bear anywhere. I searched all over the house. I was just about the give up when I noticed that the door was open, so I peered out. Then I saw her dashing into the Everfree Forest. I knew that it was dangerous there and that she could've died, so I followed her.
"When I caught up with her, I heard a lot of bashing and I thought that she might've been fighting with a timberwolf. I peered out from behind a tree when the noise stopped and I saw her standing upright in front of a demolished bush. I knew that she was going to attack it again, so I told her to stop. I thought that she was just messing around, but then I saw you and knew that she was trying to attack you.
"I told you that she was just pretending to attack you for fun, just so that you wouldn't be as scared, but now I realise that you probably have more sence than to think that she was just playing with you an-" Cindy cut off her sentence by asking, "Wait, wait, wait... Does all this mean you accually have a pet Bear?!"
"Mhm... Kinda..."
"Kinda?"
"They're not really my pets... They're more like friends."
"They? You mean there's more than one?!"
When they arrived at Fluttershy's cottage, she opened the door and lifted her hoof to walk in, but Cindy ran in so fast that she almost fell over. "Woah," Cindy exclaimed. "Look at all these animals! There's squirrels, chipmunks, mice, birds and even cute little bunnies! Hey, look at this bird, Fluttershy. It looks just like me! It's so-" "...Uhm," Fluttershy interrupted. "It looks just like you? But you're a filly... Aren't you?"
"Wait, I didn't tell you?"
"Tell me what?"
"About birds?"
"...No?"
"I didn't tell you?! Well... I... ...I can turn into a bird... "
"What was that?"
"I can turn into a bird... "
"Pardon...?"
"I can turn into a bird.."
"You can burn a bird?! Why would you do that?!"
"No... I can... turn... into ...a bird..." Cindy managed to say, and then she showed Fluttershy that it was true by demonstrating by taking the form of a small, red bird. Fluttershy gasped, clasping her hooves around Cindy and held her close to her to take a closer look. "How...? I must tell my friends!"
She started to fly out the door, but Cindy cried out, "No! Please, Fluttershy...! I want it to a secret... please promise that you won't tell anyone..." Fluttershy looked at Cindy with an anxious face. "B-But... Okay, fine then," She replied, letting go of Cindy, letting her hover in front of her. She sighed and then recited doing the actions too, "Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." "Oh thank you, Fluttershy!" Cindy said happily, turning into her unicorn form again and hugging her.
I am a little surprised that a fiction of this length hasn't gotten more attention, I kind of thought it drew the eye rather nicely. You had a good hook, I'll give you that much, but the story itself leaves a lot to be desired. The beginning was good, you proved that you have a lot of ability when it comes to describing setting and character, a skill that I find rare and far between in fanfiction. I loved how well you demonstrated the personality of the OC, another skill that's hard to aquire. Of course maybe that's just me empathisizing with one of my own characters and seeing the familiar personality reflected, may be a little biased
But all fiction has one or two things to improve on, though yours was mostly in the writing. I noticed a few basic spelling flaws that could be done without. You always want to put your fiction through the spell check before submitting to avoid any glaring flaws. Also, you've got some work to do on dialogue transistions between characters, the lines were blurred between who was speaking more than once. Protip: Make sure you keep each character's dialogue to it's own paragraph. It isn't a bad thing to have a lot of paragraphs if it makes the overall story neater and easier to read. And one more important negativity, don't change the size of the text in the middle of the story. It gives a cartoonish influence thats fit more for comics than literature. Also, your element of mystery was a little off. You provided the idea of the secret, but revealed it quickly through convenient circumstance. Things like that should be slow to be revealed, usually not till toward the end of a story, and they should be a part of the natural storyline. For instance I don't think Fluttershy would find it odd that she compared herself to a bird, more pawing it off as a foal's imagination. Her turning into a bird would've fit in better as an accident, maybe from a shocking circumstance of some kind. And also, if she could fly she probably would've escaped the bear?
Gosh, i did just write a whole paragraph on negativities... That's not saying it's a bad story though. I like that you had the guts to bring out a decently thought out original character and give her a story. It interferes with the canon a little, but you did good. If you were to re-write this after getting a little more experience I'm sure I'd enjoy it.
I'll give you a 5.4/10, for creativity and guts. Just enough for the thumbs up.
-CC
Thumbs up if you could read the smallest text there