Anything can happen when you click links in suspicious emails. You can get a virus, you can lose money, or, in the case of this story, you can be transported to another world.
This is a 2nd person POV-story that's been collecting dust for a while since I got the first chapter done (which I revised), and I thought I'd post it since I need some critique on my writing, and tips since I have another story that I want to be as good as possible.
Characters and tags will be added as the story progresses.
Rated "Teen" for language at the moment.
Derp
I will read this. It piques my interest.
You sir gets a mustach
As someone who is an avid reader and critic, slow down.
This:
Should become more like this:
Okay, synopsis:
Slow the *** down there, cowboy.
Don't assume things. Anyone wouldn't be in their right mind after such an experience.
One does not simply learn to walk and fly in five minutes.
if you recognize yourself as being a pony, you MUST be in Equestria(This is sarcasm), and he doesn't EVER think of alternatives, such as death or dreams.
DO NOT REFERENCE MEMES, EVER. NO CATCHPHRASES EITHER.
If the character ends up with a silly name like "Anon" or some inside joke shit, I will eat your first born child.
There's my opinion, heed it, and use it to better your writing style.
2276726 Thank you very much for that wonderful critique! I've learned a number of things from that. I'm also pretty tempted to use what you wrote....
2276788
Also, here is a good description of how to write well.
2276820 Thank you again, since it's pretty late and I'm tired I will read it when I get up, I'm sure it will help, it looked good on the first glance.
But anyways, I understand that any person could panic if they found themselves in a situation like the one I've written about, and I should probably written it that way as well... and the reference to the meme wasn't very wise to use either... but what I want to say is that I made it pretty clear in the beginning and after the part you fixed, that the person the story is about, is a brony.... so after some thinking I am kind of confused. Like, I can see that the person can go from insanity to eventually calming down and realizing what has happened, but still.
2277135
Well, for figuring out what happened, I used the example to show that he should figure out things separately and not in quick succession. He would have figured out the the 'I'm a pony' thing shortly after calming down. The 'I'm in Equestria' would have come later with a reassurance, such as seeing Cloudsdale or Canterlot in the background. Between these, he'd wander around trying to figure out where he is, try/fail to fly and/or survive.
First of all, follow what MicroUltraMad has already said. Great advice.
As for my own opinion, here are some tips:
Write down your ideas, know where your story is going and where is it coming from.
In this little part we have learned absolutely nothing about our character, I know it is supposed to be 2nd-person, but we still need something to work with.
Pacing. You need to pace yourself and the points you're making with a story, this relates with the 'write your own ideas', you want to know your own sequence and want to take us there as smoothly as possible.
You're actually being quite descriptive, and that's not a bad thing. But, you need to pace yourself, you can't just rush things because you want them to happen.
Make your protagonist more believable. This is self-insert, yes? This part is easier just by that fact. Imagine yourself in that situation, and write accordingly. You would obviously not wake up all and dandy, learn to fly minutes after waking up.
That is, if you introduce a character that is not you, write the reaction according to that character. Don't always assume characters will react the same way.
Hopefully I was of some use to you. I'll be following this. Send me a PM if you need a pre-reader or something.
“Hmm, seems legit,” you chuckle.
this seems like a valid human reaction to your tablet blowing up in your face
followin'
I fear Molestia smexytimes...
P.S WHO THE FCK CLICKS A LINK IN AN EMAIL!? IS THIS GUY MENTALLY RETARDED OR SOMETHING!? TABLETS DOESN'T HAVE ANTIVIRUS TO PROTECT THEM!
2278863 This comment is god tier...
A good first Chapter. And I hope the second will so good, too.
The revised version has a more believable reaction, I like it.
Then again, the pacing could be ironed out too.
That said, I await eagerly to see where this Molestia encounter leads to.
Get writing that second chapter, boyo!
I have some advice for you, but in no way do you have to follow it, nor in any way would I think you might. I am just putting this here, as an avid writer and reader of professional novels. Not a writer of professional novels, oh no. But an avid reader of them and...........yep. Any-hoo! Let's get to my advice, shall we?
I have a huge basis when I'm writing to rewrite everything that I write. So, as in this story's case, write it once, save it in two separate places, pull up the original piece (not the one on FIMfiction, as an example) and type the final one as you read through the original. You are basically copying down the piece, but can add helpful changes to it as you write, changing words here and there, making a fluid sentence structure, creating breaks in paragraphs that may have been absent before.
Another thing. I'm not sure where this is going, so I will keep all judgement back until it is farther along, so here's another piece of my Tin advice:
Always be thinking of adding more detail to what is happening in the story. It helps flesh characters out, and really let the reader see what you're imagining. Especially strong, vibrant adjectives. (i.e.)
That is not very descriptive.
It doesn't have to be significant or heavy to be descriptive. Here is a part from your story that could have been more descriptive:
Original:
A suggestion:
That is just my suggestion. You can take it how ever you want, all I am trying to tell you is that longer descriptions are usually better, and allow readers to get engaged in their stories.
A fellow writer,
Fellstar K'naeglis
I will be waiting for the second chapter as well. You've got my attention.
sweet mcayon you caught so much of me in this story and hehe i'm screwed but i'll like it
2278654 oye that's me yer talking about buddy
great chapter! keep up the good work
2338819 Thanks! I'm glad you like it and I will try to get the next chapter out faster.
hmm i LOVE it dude keep it up
Something tells me that Molestia will find him despite the perception spell...
It is because of Nicolas Cage!
today ive spotted the incredibly rare story update
also
ok youre not dead, good to know