I'm a brony, I'm a fan of this life, and I often fap. Oh, and I write, too.
Sad4,382 stories ·2,625 members
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Rainbow Dash7,324 stories ·4,158 members
Sensual Fiction (SFG)1,196 stories ·1,726 members
Have you ever wanted to just stop? Have you ever been so insulted, and so broken you felt that throwing yourself into an oblivion was your only escape? Just know that even when you've thrown yourself off that ledge, hope is always close by. Even if you feel like it's a fictional thing, it's not.
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Beautiful work so far. Keep up the great writing! I look forward to reading more of this as it comes out.
2365678 Thanks!
2365806 Thanks pal!
Well this caught my eye, I'll give it a read later on.
2365824
Perhaps Dash should see Twilight again. She seemed to know what she was doing.
Seriously, it's really good so far. I'm curious as to who this new pony is though, she seems nice enough. She seems a bit insecure though, like she had a history of rejection or something. By the way, that's not a bad thing, sad yes, but not bad. I am a huge fan of character flaws as the primary source to drive stories, and on a more personal note I kinda have a history of being rejected as well.
Have a like, oh and a few of these...
.
2365965 Thanks for the wonderful feedback! And sorry for your history of rejection. That's always rough. And lastly, take some of this!
2365989
Wow, that was fast.
You're welcome
.
Your Dashes made me smile thissss big
.
2366043 Well I don't have a lot to do.
Rainbow Dash should find a nice stallion oc to pair up with that will save her from her depression
/)*(\
2366063
.
Could you finish this story? That would be themostamazingandutterlythebestestthinginthewholeworld
*
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2366244 Welp, I'll start on the second chapter soon.
2365965
This man (er, pony?) speaks wisely!
I like this beginning. The writing flows better than the Pinkie Pie letter, and grammatically it's a big improvement. Whatever you've done to refine your writing, I think it's working well and I encourage you to keep at it! There is nothing new or unusual that differs from the comments I made on PIRPP, but definitely the writing is smoother and more polished, and I found it an interesting read.
Once again, you've chosen to take an established character and explore an aspect that has been hinted at by the show- we know Pinkie has a sad side, and as you explore here, that Dash can be fragile. There's such a contrast to the 'normal' Dash that I think some expansion on WHAT drove your Dash to this point is necessary. Not only would it support the development of an unusual side of Rainbow, it could help increase the reader's empathy towards her by showing what drove her, rather than expecting them to simply accept the her mental state.
I loved the use of the rescue as a way to introduce the other mare. Partly because I'm a sucker for heroic acts, but also because it's an efficient and emotionally charged situation that lets you skip a lot of delicate (and potentially long-winded) meeting and getting to know each other, etc.
I liked the 'opening her eyes' part very much- I thought that was a very smooth lead-in. I thought the dialogue right after the rescue could have been expanded on, Since you're writing this in a very sparse style, it fits with the rest of the story, but I think an opportunity to explore some emotions was missed there.
The twist with the other mare feeling lonely was well-done, too. The symmetry between her and Dash is apparent, and that creates a desire to see them get together and fulfill each other. Has that been done before? Sure, but I still like how you did it!
I like the references to 'hope.' Hope is a very strong storytelling element, and one that I like seeing in just about any story. Nice work!
Rainbow Dash isn't a fillyfooler, right?
/)*(\
2367912 I actually haven't decided yet.
2367812 Thanks for the wonderful feedback!
Can't Dash just kick Blazing Saddle or something like that? Seriously that's not only irritating as Hell but it's also really out of character
2369457 I thought that myself.
She was going to, but I decided to go with the less realistic path.
2369465 And may I ask why did you make that choice?
2369470 You may. I can't really say, it's probably just bad writing.
2368410
you can make your story more drama oriented by having dashie fall for a stallion instead of that mare
Btw great story so far
/)*(\
2371358 Thanks for the compliment!
2371409
np
/)*(\
2371457
2369482 Oh well, I just hope that idiot will eventually be punished, or else...
2372820 Oh have no fear. His end is nigh.
2372820 By the way I'd like to say that your english is very good! A lot better than many people who were raised with it as their first language!
2374309 Wow, thanks
Maybe that's also because studying English and Spanish is kind of my job currently since I study Modern Languages at university.
2374550
Pretty good so far ;)
/)*(\
2384094 Thanks!
2386077
Np
/)*(\
2546441 I'm fine wit' dat. Besides, I gave it the tragedy tag for a reason. I'll just say things change.
Anyway, are their any other reasons you don't like it? I'd like to improve.