- Member Since 3rd Mar, 2013
- offline last seen May 8th, 2020
Firestopper
I like to write stories about anything. I take requests if you want a story written.
Firestopper
Joined 3rd Mar, 2013 ·
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Can't really say much else about the story....
thumbs up for the original idea.
That was interesting, but I have a question. What in the name of Luna's sweet flank did I just read?
What.
2461660>>2462009 It's a diaperpony story. Honestly, I wouldn't have given it a 'no' if it wasn't horrendously written.
Your pacing needs quite a bit of work. Some setup to the two ponies, their relationship, and drawing out the actual plot of the story would be nice. Just throwing us dialogue won't cut it. Also, the payoff of Vinyl agreeing to baby Octavia works closer to the end of the story, not right off the bat if you're starting the story with an argument. You want to build things up to a climax, which in this case is Vinyl and Octavia as a Mommy/baby pairing.
But your premise is still good!
As a writer of much dialogue, I was pretty confused at the start of the story. I wasn't really sure who was saying what. Descriptors go a long way.
Example:
"Oh Octavia! I'm just sayin' that you need to be more caring." Vinyl Scrath's glasses hovered lazily over her head as she reclined on the sofa
Octavia stormed the room impatiently. "Right, coming from the mare who acts like a foal and doesn't care about anything."
"If I act like a foal," replied Vinyl, "I would cry, suck on a pacifier, and wear a diaper, but I don't!"
"Look, I don't have time to argue," sighed Octavia, her mind elsewhere. "I have to be in Manehattan by tomorrow afternoon."
It not only helps paint the picture of the environment they are in and the actions they are performing, but it informs the audience as to who is talking, making sure they can properly visualize the entire scene.
I agree with blees. Descriptors would be very helpfull. Also I think that Octavia accepts Vinel as a forever foal a little to quickly and I would have liked to see some more awkwardness. But then again this is a one shot... All around,good job.