Queen Nightmare Corona has returned from banishment on the Spring Love Celebration! Cadance has mysteriously disappeared after being hit by a beam of black magic, and her faithful student Lyra Heartstrings is going to try and stop her- but without those pesky Ponyvillians in the way! Will Nightmae Corona rule in a state of eternal eclipse once again? Or will Lyra be able to stop her? Will they even make it to the Crystal Tower to fight her?
NOTE: I could not put in all the main cast with the character tabs. Very sorry. Enjoy my amateur work! 
Chapters (1)
I'll admit I have a bit of trouble with this as I generally don't enjoy first person perspective (this is nothing against you're writing, it's just a thing for me). I found the grammar too be quite good and the dialogue and internal monologues to be quite well written and they seemed to flow quite well.
Now as for some hopefully useful critique, I feel the first two paragraphs might need to be spaced and I think there needs to be a clear line between flashbacks, spoken dialogue and internal monologue as they are all framed very similarity in the text body and are also held in large paragraphs; this led to some run on sentences or me not knowing where one line began and the other ended or where dialogue started and internal monologues ended ETC I'm sorry if that seems rude or out of place. It seemed to improve later in the story though.
I found the background behind the sisters very interesting, though I think "Nightmare Corona" might work better, as that way both lose their celestial/space theme. But feel free to ignore that. Cadence was definitely very bubbly, though it seemed that was partially a cover for her prank; if she's like that all the time it might be a bit much considering how royalty are expected to covert themselves; but she was highly entertaining and her dialogue carried a lot of energy which carried over to me very well.
Interesting aside with Cadences's spell, A few things like the Apples being controlling and Corona moons intro, did seems a tad similar to the Lunaverse, but form what I saw those similarities did not pop up often. Sorry again I hope that did not seem rude.
Overall I found the description of the characters actions to be extremely well written and very immersive, allowing me too easily picture the character as they walked and moved throughout the story. Some more editing for grammar and spelling would perhaps be useful, overall it was easy to read, but certain words were placed incorrectly, or weren't used correctly making them a bit trickier to read. Though it wasn't enough to take me out of the story.
I loved that line, that was some clever use of Twilight.
I liked the background detail and building throughout many of the scenes, Lyra mentioning her mood swings, thinking Twi was testing her, Cadenzas techniques, the crystal floor ETC.
This is not a complete review as this is a very large story so I had to cram a bit; but I think there were some amazing and creative ideas here with a lot of great descriptions and a great deal of emotion & energy behind the writing. I hope I can come back to this story again before you post and leave another review. And I hope what I have here has been useful.
2790930 Ok! The beginning story I admit I copied and pasted the canon one from mlp wikia, and edited it to fit the story. The Apples- well, I tried to make them kinder than in L!Verse but a bit more powerful than in M!Verse. Nightmare Corona- PERFECT!
This helped me a lot. Thank you SO SO much! 
2791129
Copying that is fine, I did much the same thing to ensure I had a similar opening that worked. I just meant the following Lyra paragraph was connected to it and it read a bit strangely. Sorry. I think it was more the similar situation as opposed to position, controlling stall/tables to protect the orchard, if that makes sense. I'm glad you like the name; and i'm glad I was of some use.
2791350 No, you were very useful! Also, it is weird to be commenting on an unpublished story.
I love the concept on this, especially Princess Cadance, who seems very unlike Celestia or Luna, and gives the world she rules over a rather different atmosphere. My main criticisms are pacing and characterisation. I never really got a feel for what any of the mane six are actually like as characters - not even Lyra, the main character. Is Lyra nice? Mean? Crazy? Unstable? She seems to be all of those things. I thought she was quite funny in her randomness, but I don't know if that was what you intended.
The other characters, I only know their names. I can't describe their characters at all. That's the main weakness of this first episode - a lot of things happen, but ultimately, they have little meaning because we don't see how they affect the characters.
The show did this well with the corny-but-effective device of having each character face a separate challenge intended to test some fundamental aspect of their character. The Lunaverse also handled this well, not just with obstacles but also cleverly with Poison Joke, attacking each character in a personal way. Because it's personal, we instantly understand something about the character. In this, it just feels like they all went into the forest and then came out again.
That said, don't be too put off by these criticisms - it's certainly a good effort :)
2871914 Lyra is meant to be random! She just has some wierd mood swings and stuff- like, a lot. Also, yep. Characterizaion is kinda hard for me in this story, since all I'm told is "they all act the same" even though I don't get why.
Will anybody actually post WHY they disliked this? I need some constructive criticism here!
The only problem here is that you're inconsistent in spelling Cadence's name.
Here it's spelled with an 'a'.
Now it's spelt with an 'e'.
Now it's 'a' again. I will now proceed to add a bunch of emoticons.
Oh, and in the description it's called Corona Moon, in the story Nightmare Corona.
2884217 OOps! Sorry. Fixing.
2884217 Also, really?! That was all you thought was wrong with it?! SQUEEE!
I'll try to go into more detail on the problems in this. As I said, it's not a bad story, but it could be a lot better as an introduction.
A lot of the problem I had with this story was following what was going on and visualising it. Lyra is somewhat of a poor choice as a viewpoint character, as she's... well, random. Because we're seeing everything through her eyes, we only know what she knows, and she doesn't provide much description of what her world is like. There's also the problem that, if the audience doesn't empathise with Lyra, they won't feel the events as strongly as they would if the story was being told impartially.
Lyra's also not a very interesting narrator. There's a lot of times where she's simply telling us what's going on. For example:
It's impossible to tell what's actually important in this scene. It's just a lot of stuff happening. The reader needs to know, more than anything, why they should care about what's going on. At this point, we don't know that the cream pony is Roseluck, and we don't even know if we're supposed to like her or not.
Another problem is paragraphing. You often have a lot of action lumped into one paragraph, which makes it seem like everything is happening at once. Here's an example:
That's a huge chunk of text in which a lot of different things are happening. It would be better like this:
I've put the breaks in whenever Lyra loses her train of thought (which is a fun character trait, I admit :) ). That's a natural place to start a new paragraph. Although Lyra is the kind of pony who WOULD think in long run-on sentences, there are clear places to break.
There's another problem with this section as well. Why does Lyra suddenly decide to teleport over to the tree? We don't know... but we're listening to Lyra's thoughts, so why doesn't she tell us? It's like we're following someone who isn't speaking to us. A lot of the time, I didn't really feel like I was able to follow Lyra very closely.
Then there's the problem with the other ponies of the Mane Six. We simply don't learn enough about their characters because Lyra doesn't spend enough time with them for us to see what they're like. We barely meet Blossomforth, Sassaflash, or Roseluck, and all we can say about Sparkler is that she's nice, which is something you can say about most ponies. Octavia is slightly more interesting because she does actually know Lyra, and therefore we actually see them talking as friends.
I hope that's enough to go on. :)
2887249 Great, thank you. I admit, I am not editing it now but later, as I am working on a new story... which is stupid. I hate two stories "On Hiatus" and more ideas in my head. But yeah, I'll work what I thought would be helpful in later.
Name of Story: A Day without Light, a Day without Night
Grammar: 8.5
Pros:
Nice idea using other ponies like the Elements of Harmony.
I like your first-person style.
Making both sister-Sun and Moon-being monster, and Cadance being the “good-one”.
Cons:
You may have a good moment of comedy, but, sometimes, I feel like the text it’s too heavy.
Sometimes the reader feels like this should be updating like a “normal” fic-this is something in my personal view-making each chapter more interesting.
You should keep updating this-filler slot ‘cause I need this one, haha, I really like it-
Notes Section: Good luck mah writer, this is a good work for an amateur. Nice move with Cadance, I wish you will updating this tale.
I wish you enjoy my review, and if you don’t mind, please help me out by looking at my story/this story: The Silent War
2930066 Cool, thank you. Updating this? I kinda am, but the sequel is in the works.I'll review It ASAP, but is it Mature or Gore or Sex? I don't read those.
2931319
First: It's Teen.
Second: Yep, has Gore and Sex but not a lot. It's only for some aspects that I will make, if I wanted I could make it mature but, nah. It's more comedy and dark than anything-and bad luck, don't forget the bad luck-
2931773 Hmm. Well, sorry but I just don't like reading those. If you want me to review anything else I'll do it.
2933514
Fortunately, this is my only fic for the moment.
2934913 Oh well. Tell me if you do need a review though! I owe ya one!
Dude... What?