I plunked myself down at the usual table. Fiddleblossom was already there, but at least I'd managed to beat Nemmie. On a sunny afternoon, this outdoor cafe was the nicest place in Ponyville, and today was a sunny afternoon. I'd made sure of that. It's good to be a weather pony.
Fiddleblossom nodded at me. “Sundrop.”
“Hey, you,” I said. “How's the harvest?”
Fiddleblossom smiled—well, not a smile exactly, but you could see it in her eyes, if you knew her. “It's good. There's a lot of work to do.”
The waiter came by with our drinks. We didn't have to order; we got the same thing every time we came here, which was every Friday since forever. For me, rum punch in an oversized tumbler with a paper umbrella. For Fiddleblossom, white wine in a long-stemmed glass. For Nemmie, a bubbling green concoction in a chalice of blackest onyx, blacker than the very night itself.
“Busy, huh?” I said, taking a sip. Sweet and smooth, with a kick like a mule. “You call in some hired hooves?”
“Some.”
I raised an eyebrow. “That include the Apple guy? The big one, with the eyes?”
“Macintosh.” She smiled.
“Yeah, him! Are you gonna make your move, or what?”
There was the clink of rusted chainmail as Nemmie took his seat beside us. “Honestly, Sundrop,” he rumbled. “You keep talking about this pony. Perhaps you should go after him.” His voice was like stone grinding against stone, perhaps the portal to an ancient tomb as it was forced open by something long forgotten.
“Nuh-uh,” I said. “I've sworn off men, after last time. Besides, Fiddleblossom would never forgive me.” I looked to her. “Isn't that right?”
She just smirked and sipped her wine.
That was as much of an answer as I was going to get. I moved on. “How about you, Nemmie? Any luck with that vampire queen of yours?”
He slumped. “I don't want to talk about it.”
I raised an eyebrow. “That bad?”
“Worse.”
“Aw, Nemmie.” I rested a hoof on his shoulder, or at least his pauldron, a spiked thing of blood-red steel. “I told you she was bad news. Girls like that will just lead you on and suck out your life-essence.”
“She was different!” he said. “We had something! But then Celestia cast her into the Tenebrous Nether. I won't see her again until the stars align.”
Even Fiddleblossom winced at that. “Aw, Nemmie,” I said again.
He stared into his sulfurous drink, toying idly with the chalice.
“Nemesis,” said Fiddleblossom. “What about your Spirit-Link Orb? Maybe you can stay in touch with her that way.”
He shook his head. “You know how much I hate long-distance relationships. It'd be Nightmare Moon all over again. I can't do it.”
“Yeah,” I said. “Sometimes work just pulls you apart. You gotta know when to let go.”
All was silent, save for the quiet sounds of the town and a faint otherworldly keening, like the echo of a long-dead scream, from somewhere inside Nemmie's cloak.
“I know!” I said. “What you need is a good cheering up. I'll ask Pinkie Pie to throw one of her parties.”
“Sundrop!” said Fiddleblossom. “Bad idea. Elements of Harmony.”
I blushed. “Right! Right. Sorry. Forgot.”
“It's fine.” Nemmie waved a hoof. “I'm not in the mood for something that big, anyway.”
“Oh!” I perked up. “We'll keep it small, then. Us, Shoeshine, Maisy May, Lord Doomwing, and Caramel.”
Fiddleblossom wrinkled her nose. “Not Maisy. She'll bring her boyfriend, and you know what he's like.”
“Alright, not Maisy. Just the six of us. Sound like fun?”
“I suppose,” said Nemmie.
“Good! My place at nine.”
Someone was shaking me. I was in no condition to regain consciousness. I mumbled something without any vowels and curled up tighter.
“Sundrop.” Fiddleblossom's voice was soft, but still plenty to make my head throb. She shook me again. “Sundrop, visitors.”
I forced myself upright and stood there, blinking. At least I was in my own bedroom. Fiddleblossom pulled back the curtains. It was almost noon. The light hurt my eyes. Fiddleblossom had made it through the night unscathed, of course. She nudged me towards the door.
The house looked how I felt. My friends slept sprawled across couches and chairs. Drinks and snacks covered every flat surface. Somehow we had acquired a very large tub of jelly.
There was a knock at the door.
I pulled it open. “Hello,” I said, although it came out more like “Gh.”
Before me stood Her Royal Highness Twilight Sparkle, Princess of the Realm, Savior of Equestria, The Spark of Friendship, &c &c. On her brow shone the Element of Magic, roiling with power such that even I could feel it straining against the confines of its prism, straining to escape, straining to lash out at all that was not good and pure. Behind her were arrayed her companions, heroes surpassing any the world had yet known, likewise bearing artifacts of unfathomable potency.
“Gh,” I said again, and meant it.
“Excuse me,” said the embodiment of ponykind's hopes and dreams. “I'm looking for a pony named Nemesis. He fled after Celestia vanquished the vampire queen.” She tapped her forehooves together. “My tracking spell led here.”
Pinkie Pie poked her head forward. “Is there a super-duper evil villain in your house?”
“Uh,” I said. I glanced behind me, racking my brains for some sort of clever ruse. “Maybe.” It was the best I could do, under the circumstances.
Twilight Sparkle stepped forth and followed my gaze. Nemesis was draped across a sofa, a coffee table, and the floor. Cocktail sauce stained his gorget. Someone had drawn something uncouth on his face.
The living goddess looked from me to Nemesis and back. Her mouth worked soundlessly.
“Well?” came a voice from outside. It was Rainbow Dash, who was Loyalty incarnate, and Equestria's Best Young Flyer besides. Also, incidentally, my supervisor on the weather team. “What's going on?”
Twilight Sparkle cleared her throat. “Maybe we should come back later.”
Umm... er... wha... well... ummmmmm
WTF is this, and why did I read it?
This is clearly incomplete despite being marked the opposite. What happened? FiM Fiction screw up the import from Google Docs?
Uhmmm... I dont know what I just read... soo... yeah... im out
2757481 Seems complete to me.
I have gone forth! Now let me read this bitch.
2757481
Any more beyond this would simply be gilding the lily. It doesn't really matter if they Harmonize Nemmy. What matters is the delightful story of a creature of foulest, most heinous evil and his friends.
Also, how many chalices of blackest onyx does that place have? 'Cause, you know, if the noxious concoction is on the menu, then somepony's going to order it eventually.
2757501
The description read, and I quote; “She'll do her best to put them at ease in spite of their professional struggles, their romantic worries, and their dastardly schemes…”, and instead of that we get shown a bunch of characters (I can’t even say introduced, so little is there to them), and then nothing happens. The End. The professional struggles, schemes — both plural —aren’t brought up at all. The romantic worries? No attempt to put her friends at ease was present beyond a party that was entirely skipped over. I feel like I walked in on the last three minutes of a movie.
2757529
I’m getting the impression that this story isn’t stand‐alone, would I be correct in that? If so, that should’ve been included in the description.
2757591
I'm not totally sure about that myself.
I get the feeling that it's meant to feel incomplete.
It's like the play "Once in a Lifetime" (Kind of an iffy play, but it's a good example of my point). At the end of every act, several things all start to happen at once, each one has the potential to up the drama significantly and lead to potential hilarity. Then the curtain closes and everyone goes out to intermission. When the next act starts, the scene is totally different and all the events at the last act are completely glossed over, never brought up again.
It's a kind of deadpan humor. (not really the exact right term, but I can't think of a better term for it offhand). The scene cuts right when you're expecting the big comedic payoff, leaving you with a profound sense of "...wut? ".
Not for everyone, but i find it pretty funny.
That was odd.
This is great.
2757481>>2757591
Most stories are meant to make the reader feel something. Some are just supposed to make the reader feel like there should be something to feel about, without actually having much there.
Not really a bait and switch, more of a bait and... not much.
I was amused.
A little underwhelming, tbh... Only a thousand words? That just... One-shots are fine, but there was no time to know who was who, or really give a damn about anyone or anything. Kind of a fail comedy fic, IMO. There wasn't really anything funny to me. Sorry, but this gets a thumbs down from me. After Changelings, Changelings Everywhere, this was a SERIOUS let down in quality and caring. That's just... No. Fail one-shot.
I get the feeling Nemmy's supposed to be a parody of 'edgy' dark self-inserts - you know, the cliche black alicorn with blood-red mane and CM depicting a bloody dagger stabbing a pony skull, or some such.
I like the idea of an absurd 'slice of life'-style story involving said sorta-villain. This chapter ends pretty appropriately, because frankly there's little more to be said, but I can easily imagine more chapters about these misfits trying to get along while doing the barest necessary to dodge the Harmony Hit Squad.
The ending is great, but I think this story could benefit from an extra 1,000 words in the middle. There needs to be a bit more buildup before the anticlimax.
2757591 2757626
I don't think there's any way this story could end in anything but an anticlimax. Nemmie is such a fail-villain that any actual confrontation with the Elements of Harmony would be farce, not tragedy. I was amused by this story and think it stands alone.
That having been said, I personally feel like it's the first half of a story which does lead up to a higher-stakes anti-ending. This teases at a lot of story (and backstory) that isn't explored in the 1,000 words it gets. I did suggest during pre-reading that this was worth further expansion.
(If you're wondering if there's context you're missing, this was written as a short-short based on a prompt in Ben's blog — so, no, there's nothing else leading in to this.)
Earlier: "WITH YOUR AID, I SHALL VANQUISH THIS LOATHSOME SIXPACK."
I...don't get it. It's just not funny to me. I feel like I'm missing the point, so I won't thumbs down or anything, but...this story just left me confused. Sorry.
2757808
2757901
This.
Brevity may be the soul of wit, but if you are too brief you will not be able to convey said wit. The story presents a unique and fun sounding skeleton for a silly slice-of life one shot, but unfortunately little else. It just never really had the words and time to explore all the intriguing concepts it introduced.
Just when I was getting into the story, it abruptly ends - like meeting some interesting people on the subway. You immediately hit it off with them, but just when things start to get good, their station suddenly comes up and they depart, never to be seen again...
This would have been a lot better if we actually knew who these people were and it was, say, long enough for there to actually be a story.
I also add "We need more stuff in the middle". Nemmie is HILARIOUS, but we don't get enough jokes with him. Guy dating a villain is funny. As long as it has stuff.
Hell, him and the elements of harmony could be funny...if only, because they'd probalby have more of a 'talking too' then a fight.
I quite like this. I'm a fan of implication.
You billed this story as a spiritual successor (warning: TV Tropes Link. Beware WikiWalk.) to Changelings, Changelings Everywhere. If you had added a proper ending, and actually gave us a connection to the characters then maybe it would be, but as it stands this is anything but.
Well that was very entertaining, thanks for sharing
This was strange and entertaining.
An entertaining read
For those commenting about the Changelings Everywhere 'sequel', it was stated that this story was "not a sequel, but it's got a similar sort of humor". So if you still thought this was a sequel...
As for seemingly being incomplete, that was part of its' charm, at least for me. It didn't need to put everything out there, spoon feeding all the relevant plot points or who people were, because by the story unfolding everything can be inferred. Whether the inferences are correct can never really be tested, but in my opinion, it's a self contained and interesting little story.
just because you are mortal enemies doesn't mean you shouldn't be polite.
This story needs expansion. All that is here is the foundations of a good story, but then instead of spinning up into one, it simply stops. I like what it is, but I don't like it for what it isn't yet.
Basically, if you're done, you quit at a bad spot.
Nice
I envy your conciseness, this story is perfectly packaged.
I can't describe how laugh-worthy this is.
It was entertaining, but it could have used either a little more at the beginning, or a good bit more at the end. There seems to be a lot of potential here, and there are some pretty heavily implied distinctive differences between this and the canon universe (e.g. why is Big Mac available for work as someone else's farmhand? He was already pretty busy normally, and now with the Elements apparently being some kind of specialized police force AJ would have even less time to help). There are possible explanations, and a certain degree of reader interpretation should be encouraged, but this is just too vague and incomplete.
Then again, you did say it was similar to Changelings everywhere, which had similar problems but at least there was a solid and understandable premise, as well as quite a few twists (albeit small ones) and moved at a very fast pace from the beginning in a format that suited the overall confusion of most characters within the story. This on the other hand, seems like it's going somewhere, but then suddenly stops.
I do love me an anti-climax.
Needed a few more words, but who cares? Silly one-shot!
Ya silly bugger. :D
What is this and why is it in my "to read" pile?
Don't get me wrong, I love it.
Just have no idea when or why I added it.
And yes twilight, you should come back later. Vanquishing the Lord of Eeeeeevil while he's in a drunken stupor is just....so.... so impolite!