This is the sequel to Southern Style Love. So please bear with me.
Now that they're together Twilight Sparkle and Applejack are finding that being a two mare couple isn't as easy as they'd hoped.
Will they be able to over come this problem, or will it tear them apart?
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Why were there other foals in the barn? Get 'em all in trouble for trespassing!
Why did the chapter end there? There's no conclusion or real reason for it to end...
Since when do Ponyvillians-- or any ponies, for that matter, have a problem with gays? Even if we accept the premise that they do (It's your story, after all), why would they bully ponies they know both A, can beat the snot out of them, and B, will?
For that matter, why didn't Applejack just say, "Have fun, y'all!" and let Applebloom beat the hell out of 'em? I get that maybe Twilight wouldn't do that, but AJ is a rough 'n' tumble gal and probably grew up in a place and a way where you dealt with your own problems-- by which I mean, you got into fights and settled them yourself.
Why is there no consequence from either party involved in the fight? No sweat, no scuffs, no blood, no snot. No whining, no wincing, no pain-- nothing happened. I know that blood isn't shown in the show, but neither are romantic/sexual relationships dealt with there. Also, ponies in fights usually are shown to be a little scraped up, even if only for the rest of the scene.
Why have Spike there at all? Unless he's important in later chapters. But really, he didn't even go get Twilight Sparkle and say, "Hey! There's a fight in the barn, help!" All he does is says one line, right at the end of the chapter. And it's pretty awkward.
What was the cry they heard from the barn? Clearly, the fight didn't start until Applejack and Twilight Sparkle got there, so... what, were they practising their pained cries? Going to get their "Crying in Pain" Cutie Marks? Would have worked better if Spike came up and said, "Twilight, we need some help."
Why was Applejack & Twilight Sparkle's conversation so short? Seems like that conversation should have been the meat of the chapter, it would set up the story for-- well, for the whole story. It could give us any background we needed, ease us into this world where filly-foolers are hated and feared (and give us any other crucial info). Instead, the conversation is just quick, meaningless, awkward, NOT giving the CMC enough time to have a stunt go comically awry, and with Twilight Sparkle stuttering, of all things! When has Twilight Sparkle stuttered, ever?
Why did the colt say "I don't have to listen to you"? It's weird. It sounds like a response, but Applejack didn't give him a command-- she didn't say, "Now y'all get out of here," she said, "What's going on?" Does he go around acting like that all the time? The waiter says, "Would you like the salad, or the sandwich?" and the colt says, "I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE ORDERS FROM YOU!!"
Since the colts (who shouldn't have been there in the first place...) absolutely would not take orders from Applejack (even though it was a question, not an order...), why did they leave immediately as soon as AJ said, "go away"?
What "Oldest Traditions" was Twilight Sparkle talking about?
What's the answer to Applejack's question at the end? Wouldn't a brief answer, in catchy, one-liner format, have been a better stinger and ending to the first chapter, and a better hook into the second one?
OKAY I'VE HAD IT! there are nine people who don't like this story, and I can live with that. But that also means there are nine new opinions as to what I could do to make this better. Come on y'all it ain't that hard to do, rip the daggum thing to bits for all I care, it helps me get better so that one day I can turn those dislikes into likes.
4348736
Okay, thank you, I've had others tell me they thought the chapter was too short, and this used to be chapters one, two, and three. But I think I agree with you, and so I'll change it back.
4348736
Indeed. You need to fix the formatting. In addition, the short summary (that I saw on the main page) has a typo. It spells "same" as "smae."
4357730
Oh, I didn't know that. Thank you for telling me.